Mothering and Fathering

by Tine Thevenin

Suggests that the difference in child rearing styles between women's tendency to nurture, and men's to encourage independence, may be innate, and recommends the advantage to children of encouraging both approaches

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

205 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published June 1, 1993

Reviews

[Hilary Johnston · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me accept that my partner's very different way of parenting was also a contribution to my children.

The language may occur as dated and/or exclusionary in this era of sensitivity to gender fluidity, but the basic concept is that the lactating parent's biology will shape a different style of parenting than the biology of the non-lactating partner.

[Lindsay Evermore · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book for its main thesis: Most primary carers of children are women, yet most "experts" on childrearing are men. The author generalizes men's approach to parenting as focused on independence and achievement, while she paints women as nurturers whose tendencies toward interdependence and connection lead them to parent (mother) in a markedly different way than fathers parent (father).

It surprised me that I saw some truth in these characterizations, although I believe (and the author concedes) that they are very much generalizations from which individuals may deviate to varying degrees.

The main points I took away that I found valuable and worth integrating into my parenting were (1) that parents parent based on their values, and despite that they may differ from their partner's values, neither is wrong and both should be respected and examined. Also, (2) the author's message that male parenting experts' directives should not be given precedence over maternal instincts was well-received.

My only criticism, if I can call it that, is that the author's distinctly pro--attachment parenting philosophy permeates her perception and description of "mothering"---any mother who does not subscribe to an AP-based approach may feel excluded or judged. Her use of this approach is certainly valid and valuable, but I think it should have been disclosed as a chosen method rather than presented as an inherent aspect of mothering.

[Sally · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty much the first secular parenting book I read that acknowledged that mothers and fathers have different roles. Not only do we have different roles, but it's a good thing we do. Fathers don't have to give bottles of expressed breastmilk to feel like they have a part in the baby's life. Mothers primarily nurture, and Dads primarily encourage independence and play. When we realize that we're different for a reason, we can appreciate and balance each other in the parenting journey.