Am I Blue?

by Bruce Coville

A story described by Katherine Paterson as "didactic camp", a very funny but also thought-provoking fantasy about the issue of gayness. This controversial tale has given enormous comfort to many young people struggling with their own sexual identity.

©1991 Bruce Coville; (P)2006 Full Cast Audio

Genres: Fiction

Audiobook

First published January 1, 2006

Reviews

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't properly review this story because it's one of those important early texts in my life. Growing up in a small town, nine-year-old me wasn't exposed to much information about people who weren't cisgender or heterosexual. Then I stumbled upon Odder Than Ever—which was easily one of the most striking book covers I'd ever seen at the time—and this story acted as my crash course.

Before I'd ever connected sexuality with the gay-coded villains common in Disney properties of the time, there was "Am I Blue?" Before anyone I knew came out, there was "Am I Blue?" Before I even had an un-nuanced view of sexuality, there was "Am I Blue?" urging me to understand that sexuality and gender expression are neither of them simple.

Some things haven't aged well, like the extensive use of the f-word. I know it's meant to serve as an example of reclamation, but I still don't like to use that word because of how violently it has been used.

But, really, I can see the impact of this story in my worldview to this day. Stereotypes are just that—stereotypes, not hard facts. Homophobia is awful, and it creates a striking degree of self-loathing in some that exhibits itself in violence towards others. Sexuality is a spectrum—it's possible to be just a little bit blue, as is the case for our main character. "And my third wish? I've decided to save it for when I really need it—maybe when I meet the girl of my dreams. Or Prince Charming. Whichever."

That's a part of me to this day, and this is the story that made sure I was open to the wider world, to ideas other than the ones I'd been exposed to as a younger child. Revisiting it now feels like saying "Hello" to a teacher who made an impact.

[Scratch · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggled with a rating for this short story. I strongly considered 1 or 2 stars, but I rounded up because I love the author and I respect his attempt.

I feel pretty confident that Bruce Coville is straight, especially after reading this. A teenage boy is bullied for being perceived as gay. A recently deceased gay man --murdered in a hate crime-- shows up, reporting that he is resurrected as a fairy godfather and he wants to help the boy.

Now, the actual plot of this story is problematic. The boy reports that he has been unsure about whether he is gay for a full year. The boy is around high school age. ... That alone I have problems with. My husband says he always sort of knew that he was gay. On one level, so did I. But I repressed the thoughts so well, I was truly shocked when puberty struck and I found myself salivating over men instead of women.

So, either this kid should have always had some idea about his orientation, or he should have figured it out at puberty. To be crass-- he should know what gives him erections. Male, female, both, or neither, the kid should know.

Then the whole point of this story is that the kid wishes to make gaydar explicit and literal, turning everyone in the world blue based on the degree to which they are gay.

... He magically outs millions of people at once, without their permission, with no regard for their consequences. I am sure that some countries would be thrilled; Belarus and Afghanistan would promptly round up all the blue men for mass executions.

The protagonist looks at himself in the mirror and is only "sort've" blue. The magical gay fairy describes him as "confused." ... This is all problematic. The kid is probably bi. That is the best explanation given all the clues we are provided. But the fairy character describing the boy as "confused," as if his orientation is still subject to change? This contradicts the idea that orientations are something immutable that we are born with.

It appears this short story was originally published in 1991, and even the audio version I listened to is from 2006. So we need to respect the straight author's well-meaning attempt, given the era he was working in.

A nostalgic part of me is grateful that he talked about gay bashing so much. Young people these days try to pretend homophobia doesn't exist, and I am sick of it.

[Jane Sparrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't heard the audiobook, but the story itself was something that really stuck in my memory. I read it some time in middle school, I think, well before I had any queer consciousness and well before I was anything other than deeply conservative and hidden from myself.

I love it. So simple, so well-told, so useful and important.

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is funny and teaches people that gay people aren't as bad as most people think. I recommend this short story to people who want a short fantasy that teaches people

[Stephen Byron · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book gave me pause at first because of the fairy god-father; but as you go deeper into the book it teaches lessons that we must not forget like the one where appearances can be deceiving and many more, so I would recommend this book to anyone. It is a light read, a fun read but an important read.....

[Luke · Rating 4 out of 5]

I true insperation