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When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter
Explaining that parents can never get over the loss of a child, a psychologist and bereaved parent offers strategies by which parents can accept and integrate the effects of trauma into their lives. 15,000 first printing.
- GenresGriefNonfiction
230 pages, Hardcover
First published April 1, 1997
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
October 17, 2023
For the grieving parent
I cannot adequately describe this beautiful book, but can only say that it is not a "read one time and then put it away" book. This is one that you must keep and go back to it any time you, as a grieving parent, need comfort and reassurance in the midst of your grieving the loss of a child. This book I will most certainly cherish as a mother in mourning. I highly recommend, and give thanks to the author.
I cannot adequately describe this beautiful book, but can only say that it is not a "read one time and then put it away" book. This is one that you must keep and go back to it any time you, as a grieving parent, need comfort and reassurance in the midst of your grieving the loss of a child. This book I will most certainly cherish as a mother in mourning. I highly recommend, and give thanks to the author.
July 21, 2025
I hope none of you ever have to read this book - but having said that, if you do, I recommend it. There are a lot of perspectives about loss, especially of a child, and not all perspectives support those of us who now define our lives in Before and After, with a constant longing for before and for a future that will never be. I believe that losing an only/no grandchildren is another level in difficulty as the future becomes so empty. Holidays and birthdays are painful reminders that what I wanted for our son was happiness, love and success and instead at the age of 21 all of that was wiped away by a distracted driver. He has no future and so our future has lost most all of its appeal. Anticipation often gives way to anxiety and dreaming to nightmares.
The interviews that Bernstein based her book on are helpful, but not all inclusive. I guess, because we are all unique and we handle trauma in individual ways. She acknowledges that this is a loss that we'll never "get over". We won't find a "new normal". At best, we will integrate and adapt. We'll lose some friends and family because we change and we'll gain some new friends that are willing to stand by us in our grief, people who are willing to listen to the stories, over and over, and who are content to sit by us, to hold us as we cry.
The interviews that Bernstein based her book on are helpful, but not all inclusive. I guess, because we are all unique and we handle trauma in individual ways. She acknowledges that this is a loss that we'll never "get over". We won't find a "new normal". At best, we will integrate and adapt. We'll lose some friends and family because we change and we'll gain some new friends that are willing to stand by us in our grief, people who are willing to listen to the stories, over and over, and who are content to sit by us, to hold us as we cry.
May 15, 2016
Unfortunately, I am a grandmother that seeks insight into grieving, after the death of my beautiful, 7 year old grandson from brain cancer in 2014. The ensuing chaos and confusion that afflicted my son and daughter-in-law was scary and overwhelming. This book clearly explains the myriad of emotions and behaviors that can occur after the loss of a child. It has helped me understand how I can be helpful and patient while our lives find new rhythms and stability.
June 4, 2022
If you are looking for a book to buy a parent who has lost a child (and you should, as books are a great source of comfort for information-hungry parents), this is the one to buy. I say this after having read more than a dozen grief books, probably two dozen, in my search fir a road map to help me cope. There is no answer for how you'll survive the loss, but hearing interviews with more than 50 bereaved parents, all of whom survived via slightly different path, cannot help but comfort you.
I plan to write a full review and essay on this book, and when that is done, I will post the link here. But in the meantime, I didn't want another day to pass without highly recommending this book for parents who have endured life's worst loss. Buy this book for yourself if no one gets it for you. Even if it's been years since your child died, as it has been for me (nearly six years! how can that be?) this book will be helpful to you.
I plan to write a full review and essay on this book, and when that is done, I will post the link here. But in the meantime, I didn't want another day to pass without highly recommending this book for parents who have endured life's worst loss. Buy this book for yourself if no one gets it for you. Even if it's been years since your child died, as it has been for me (nearly six years! how can that be?) this book will be helpful to you.
February 5, 2014
far and away the most insightful, gentle but reality driven book that I have read on the very difficult subject of the grief that accompanies the death of a son or daughter. a personal journey but the author sensitively coaxed my sanity along through many moments of intense pain. I read many books but I carried this one with me until just recently.
August 21, 2016
Thank you Amy, Leslie, Deah, and Christina for sending me this book. It was hard to read with vision blurred by tears, but it was reassuring to hear the stories of others who had managed to cope and live on despite their grief.
October 15, 2014
When psychologist Judith R. Berstein's adult son, Steven, died on July 12, 1987, she was caught totally unaware. Initially, her world was "colored by the year of horror, watching our son's struggle with cancer." She describes those months as being "wrapped in the warm blanket of caring friends and family."
Then, following Steven's death, she and her husband were "lost." "How," she asked, "are we to live with this for the rest of our lives? Will the crushing ache in my chest ever lessen? Can we ever return to our old selves, involved in the lives of our daughters, caring about our work, hobbies, friends, or the changing of the seasons?" Would it ever be possible to enjoy "the colors of the rainbow" again? Or would their lives be forever "a holocaust of grief" with the colors forever changed?
Seven years after Steven's death, Bernstein read a professional journal article about grief and "realized it discussed grief as if it were a finite period" and that it was normal for grief to end within six months to perhaps two years. Distressed by this expert opinion, she kept reading books and scholarly journal articles. "I asked myself how you ever get over this? What can be normal again after you've lost a son?"
As she studied expert opinions on grief, Berstein realized that something was missing: the perspective of grieved parents. She decided to "interview other bereaved parents to see how they were surviving years and decades later." "When the Bough Breaks" is the culmination of those years of research and interviews of bereaved parents from whom she gained so much insight. Along with her years of scholarly research, she uses the insights gleaned from her interviews with bereaved parents to form an integrated understanding of the process of grief. The conclusion that she arrived at is stark and real and hopeful:
"We know that our grief will never end. We will mourn for our children every day for the rest of our lives. We will never return to normal. But we will live again. We will be able to enjoy the bittersweet colors of a sunset. We may be productive. Laughter is not out of the question. Life will be forever colored by what has happened. For every parent who loses a child, one life ended and another life is indelibly changed."
Throughout her journey through grief, Bernstein has learned about what is and what is not possible. Central to that understanding is that overcoming or recovery from grief is not possible. One does not "recover" from the loss of a child. "The course of healing involves integrating that trauma, not overcoming it. . . . The process of integration involves changes in the person's view of the world, in the way they relate to others, in their values, in spiritual feelings, and so forth. It's the difference between stepping over an obstacle and being rerouted by it. . . . The emotional journey people take to regain equilibrium, to be able once again to feel good and value life, to reform themselves so that their loss is somehow integrated into the fiber of their existence---that is the process of mourning."
The problem that mourners face is that they are too frequently expected by family, friends, and experts to recover and to do so in a relatively short amount of time, adding to the unimaginable stress and guilt they are already carrying. Berstein's goal is offer an "antidote" to this problem that she divides into three areas: mourning, integration, and adaptation. She notes that "if we are to help and understand trauma victims, should we not ask instead where they are in the process of learning to live with what has happened? Where is that process in five, ten, thirty years? These are the questions I set out to ask."
Berstein's division of grief into periods of mourning, integration, and adaptation became the basis of her study of the grief process in "When the Bough Breaks":
In Part 1: The Way Through Mourning, she examines GRIEF AND THE STAGES OF MOURNING, including mourning that is complicated by mental illness, personality problems, and substance abuse; FACTORS THAT MAKE GRIEF EVEN MORE PAINFUL such as guilt and self-blame, denial, inhibition of feelings, relationship with the child, life circumstances such as marital stability, stress, support, and previous loss experience; and the NATURE OF DEATH including sudden death from murder, suicide, or drug abuse and anticipated death including death from AIDS.
In Part 2: The Rest of Our Lives, she addresses issues such as ALTERED PERSPECTIVES including lost innocence and changed values; MOURNING IN MARRIAGES such as the different approaches that males and females generally take toward mourning; FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS including how siblings of the deceased child approach mourning, altered relationships that parents have with surviving children, subsequent and replacement children, what happens when "special" children die, and how grandparents approach the mourning process; SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS including friends and experts; and issues pertaining to RELIGION AND SPIRITUALITY such as examining tough questions, rituals, clergy, belief in reunion, psychic phenomenon, mystical connections, and memorials.
The book is a unique blend of reporting on empirical research in the field of grief and Berstein's own qualitative research. It clearly echoes her own journey through grief both as a professional psychologist and a bereaved mother. The poignant interviews with bereaved parents help to destroy the myth that grief follows any particular timeline. Nevertheless, in spite of the fact that a bereaved parent will always carry some part of the grieving process with him or her, that person can learn to smile and laugh again and to enjoy the memories of what once was and the events that make up what is now. The result is a deeply empathic guide for how to live and even thrive in the "forever after" following a child's death.
Then, following Steven's death, she and her husband were "lost." "How," she asked, "are we to live with this for the rest of our lives? Will the crushing ache in my chest ever lessen? Can we ever return to our old selves, involved in the lives of our daughters, caring about our work, hobbies, friends, or the changing of the seasons?" Would it ever be possible to enjoy "the colors of the rainbow" again? Or would their lives be forever "a holocaust of grief" with the colors forever changed?
Seven years after Steven's death, Bernstein read a professional journal article about grief and "realized it discussed grief as if it were a finite period" and that it was normal for grief to end within six months to perhaps two years. Distressed by this expert opinion, she kept reading books and scholarly journal articles. "I asked myself how you ever get over this? What can be normal again after you've lost a son?"
As she studied expert opinions on grief, Berstein realized that something was missing: the perspective of grieved parents. She decided to "interview other bereaved parents to see how they were surviving years and decades later." "When the Bough Breaks" is the culmination of those years of research and interviews of bereaved parents from whom she gained so much insight. Along with her years of scholarly research, she uses the insights gleaned from her interviews with bereaved parents to form an integrated understanding of the process of grief. The conclusion that she arrived at is stark and real and hopeful:
"We know that our grief will never end. We will mourn for our children every day for the rest of our lives. We will never return to normal. But we will live again. We will be able to enjoy the bittersweet colors of a sunset. We may be productive. Laughter is not out of the question. Life will be forever colored by what has happened. For every parent who loses a child, one life ended and another life is indelibly changed."
Throughout her journey through grief, Bernstein has learned about what is and what is not possible. Central to that understanding is that overcoming or recovery from grief is not possible. One does not "recover" from the loss of a child. "The course of healing involves integrating that trauma, not overcoming it. . . . The process of integration involves changes in the person's view of the world, in the way they relate to others, in their values, in spiritual feelings, and so forth. It's the difference between stepping over an obstacle and being rerouted by it. . . . The emotional journey people take to regain equilibrium, to be able once again to feel good and value life, to reform themselves so that their loss is somehow integrated into the fiber of their existence---that is the process of mourning."
The problem that mourners face is that they are too frequently expected by family, friends, and experts to recover and to do so in a relatively short amount of time, adding to the unimaginable stress and guilt they are already carrying. Berstein's goal is offer an "antidote" to this problem that she divides into three areas: mourning, integration, and adaptation. She notes that "if we are to help and understand trauma victims, should we not ask instead where they are in the process of learning to live with what has happened? Where is that process in five, ten, thirty years? These are the questions I set out to ask."
Berstein's division of grief into periods of mourning, integration, and adaptation became the basis of her study of the grief process in "When the Bough Breaks":
In Part 1: The Way Through Mourning, she examines GRIEF AND THE STAGES OF MOURNING, including mourning that is complicated by mental illness, personality problems, and substance abuse; FACTORS THAT MAKE GRIEF EVEN MORE PAINFUL such as guilt and self-blame, denial, inhibition of feelings, relationship with the child, life circumstances such as marital stability, stress, support, and previous loss experience; and the NATURE OF DEATH including sudden death from murder, suicide, or drug abuse and anticipated death including death from AIDS.
In Part 2: The Rest of Our Lives, she addresses issues such as ALTERED PERSPECTIVES including lost innocence and changed values; MOURNING IN MARRIAGES such as the different approaches that males and females generally take toward mourning; FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS including how siblings of the deceased child approach mourning, altered relationships that parents have with surviving children, subsequent and replacement children, what happens when "special" children die, and how grandparents approach the mourning process; SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS including friends and experts; and issues pertaining to RELIGION AND SPIRITUALITY such as examining tough questions, rituals, clergy, belief in reunion, psychic phenomenon, mystical connections, and memorials.
The book is a unique blend of reporting on empirical research in the field of grief and Berstein's own qualitative research. It clearly echoes her own journey through grief both as a professional psychologist and a bereaved mother. The poignant interviews with bereaved parents help to destroy the myth that grief follows any particular timeline. Nevertheless, in spite of the fact that a bereaved parent will always carry some part of the grieving process with him or her, that person can learn to smile and laugh again and to enjoy the memories of what once was and the events that make up what is now. The result is a deeply empathic guide for how to live and even thrive in the "forever after" following a child's death.
August 22, 2022
When the Bough Breaks, Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter by Judith R. Bernstein and narrated by Maria McCann. The narrator was a good fit for this book.
I’ve not personally lost a child but have two coworkers that have. Just thinking about it gives me chills and feels me with fear. And if I’m being honest here I’ll tell you that I have a Christian worldview and that doesn’t even give me comfort for this situation.
This book isn’t comfort. It isn’t healing. It’s a book about others and their personal view of loss. Did it feel helpful? Yes! I thought I’d be sad after reading this but it wasn’t that. They shared only enough to teach me “what not to do with loss”. I highly recommend this for anyone going through this. You’re not alone.
Thanks Andrews Mcmeel Audio via NetGalley.
I’ve not personally lost a child but have two coworkers that have. Just thinking about it gives me chills and feels me with fear. And if I’m being honest here I’ll tell you that I have a Christian worldview and that doesn’t even give me comfort for this situation.
This book isn’t comfort. It isn’t healing. It’s a book about others and their personal view of loss. Did it feel helpful? Yes! I thought I’d be sad after reading this but it wasn’t that. They shared only enough to teach me “what not to do with loss”. I highly recommend this for anyone going through this. You’re not alone.
Thanks Andrews Mcmeel Audio via NetGalley.
October 28, 2020
4.4. Lots of raw comments from bereaved parents, some of which were painful to read, but overall helpful and validating. Maybe even a better book for people seeking to understand grief than for those experiencing it. Fairly dated when it comes to gender roles, but it's easy to ignore that aspect.
June 24, 2022
I received this audiobook as an ARC from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
"We don't get over a trauma, we adapt our way of thinking and feeling about the world as a consequence." This quote is so true!
My brother died 8 years ago in June. The pain and trauma that such an event brings to a family is just staggering. You go through a lot of emotions...and not every family member grieves the same, which at times can be trying.
I wish that I had had this book back then. I know it is written for parents who have lost a child, but I think that losing a brother is also hard -- especially when they are younger than you. Through this book, I learned a lot more about the grieving process and I related to the many stories shared by the parents in this book.
I would also recommend this book to people who have not lost a child or close loved one, but who know someone who did. At times the behavior of those grieving may seem "strange", but in reality, it is perfectly normal. This book will help others understand and support people who are grieving.
Cannot recommend this book enough!
"We don't get over a trauma, we adapt our way of thinking and feeling about the world as a consequence." This quote is so true!
My brother died 8 years ago in June. The pain and trauma that such an event brings to a family is just staggering. You go through a lot of emotions...and not every family member grieves the same, which at times can be trying.
I wish that I had had this book back then. I know it is written for parents who have lost a child, but I think that losing a brother is also hard -- especially when they are younger than you. Through this book, I learned a lot more about the grieving process and I related to the many stories shared by the parents in this book.
I would also recommend this book to people who have not lost a child or close loved one, but who know someone who did. At times the behavior of those grieving may seem "strange", but in reality, it is perfectly normal. This book will help others understand and support people who are grieving.
Cannot recommend this book enough!
June 19, 2017
Living is grieving. Grieving is living.
This was a gentle book that effortlessly moved between the words and wisdom of grieving parents and a more clinical discussion of the process of grief. I found comfort in hearing voices like my own.
This was a gentle book that effortlessly moved between the words and wisdom of grieving parents and a more clinical discussion of the process of grief. I found comfort in hearing voices like my own.
July 9, 2025
This is an excellent book for those who have suffered the profound loss of a child. I highly recommend it. Additionally it would be essential reading for therapists,
Clergy, close friends who walk beside those
Who have experienced the worst loss in life. This
Book has been a comfort for me.
Clergy, close friends who walk beside those
Who have experienced the worst loss in life. This
Book has been a comfort for me.
January 20, 2024
I kind of skipped around, reading relevant sections.
November 8, 2016
On the loss of my daughter
My way of coping with the recent loss of my daughter has been to read as much as possible about how others have found a way through the oppressive fog. This has been the most helpful book yet.
My way of coping with the recent loss of my daughter has been to read as much as possible about how others have found a way through the oppressive fog. This has been the most helpful book yet.
August 25, 2009
Excellent book to read about the death of a child or thru
suicide. A guide by an expert. Highly readable.
suicide. A guide by an expert. Highly readable.
March 24, 2012
A good resource. The author is a bereaved mom and she interviews other bereaved parents. Lost a star for her professional skepticism as to the spiritual side of this. Otherwise, a good resource.
January 19, 2015
An excellent tutorial as to how to handle social settings while you are grieving.
May 23, 2015
Helpful
In searching for comfort,this book touched on most of the do's and don't's I have encountered since the death of my daughter three months ago.
In searching for comfort,this book touched on most of the do's and don't's I have encountered since the death of my daughter three months ago.
October 28, 2015
Good advice on coping with loss.
July 4, 2016
Informative
This book reminds me of Beyond Tears. It is informative, reflective, and offers many different points of view of grief.
This book reminds me of Beyond Tears. It is informative, reflective, and offers many different points of view of grief.
May 1, 2017
This was a very interesting book that has value both for professionals in the field and bereaved parents. As one of the latter, who is only 8 months into bereavement over the loss of an adult son, it gave me hope that many parents not only are able to return to a joyous life, but indeed, have grown from grief. It's a journey none of us wanted to take, but when faced with pain so awful that it cannot be described I was comforted and encouraged to learn there are "positive" sides to this terrible thing that happened to me. I also felt how the author really, really understands what she writes about, as she too, is a bereaved mother. Losing a child is simply not something one can understand unless one has experienced it oneself.
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews