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Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage
Rocking the Roles explains how marriage can be a perfect blend of structure and equality, balance and beauty. Transform your relationship by learning Build a marriage on a firm foundation of Scripture, forgiveness, and a healthy understanding of who we are in Christ.
272 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
18 people are currently reading
298 people want to read
About the author
Robert Lewis
33 books5 followersRobert Lewis is the best-selling author of Raising a Modern-Day Knight and Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage. He is also executive director of the Global Reach research/resource organization, founder of the Men's Fraternity ministry, and pastor-at-large for Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, Arkansas. In 2001, he was named Pastor of the Year by the National Coalition of Men's Ministry. He and his wife, Sherard, have four children. Jeremy Howard holds a Ph.D. in Christian Apologetics and Worldview Studies from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Now a writer and editor, he lives with his wife and children in Nashville, Tennessee.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
October 21, 2007
This book is a uncompromising punch in the face to bad theology, bad thinking, and bad culture. Here comes the cold water!
The book launches with a fair and open discussion of roles in marriage. In case anybody out there is afraid of even talking about "roles" in marriage, rest assured Dr. Lewis fairly gives both the culture and tradition enough time to say their peace.
Nevertheless, be prepared to have your eyes blown wide open!
Launching from this consideration of roles in marriage, Dr. Robert Lewis passionately and yet surprisingly unpretentiously conveys to the reader a keen understanding of the key issues that plague society today, and yesterday. In the context of these issues, Dr. Lewis annihilates the shoddy ideas about marriage purveyed by both the culture AND tradition!
I found this book to be without question the most comprehensive, balanced, and informative consideration of marriage roles I have ever encountered. Lewis doesn't just challenge today's society; he has made a case against a fraudulent and stupid cultural mindset that has existed, largely unchallenged, for millennia!
Using statistics, rational thought, and refreshingly accurate interpretation of supporting documentation, Dr. Lewis puts the limelight on the failings of the current paradigms regarding marriage, and in response, he gives the fresh air people are gasping for - absolute victorious truth.
You don't have to be a Christian to understand (or even enjoy reading) this book - everything is supported by (obviously well-researched) relevant clinical and demographic information from wide-ranging sources. I might argue that many Christians would be shocked about how little they knew about marriage (as God intended it to be) before reading this book.
I come from a family where I lacked an involved father figure and I was raised by a dedicated single mother. I was shocked at times by what he said; Dr. Lewis' work helped me understand a lot about my own life. I implore societal leaders, mothers, fathers, and ANYBODY who wants to lead a fulfilling life to read this book - it will re-shape your ideas on how to achieve fulfilment and a balanced family life, and you will never regret it.
Lewis speaks boldly and without excuses. You may not like what he is saying, but I challenge anyone to disagree with him on a non-trivial point. Lewis bases his instruction on timeless truths, and it shows.
Dr. Robert Lewis has written THE defining book on marital structure and the functional operation of a marriage, as well as on the support systems for marriage (i.e. church, counsellors, friends.) The mindset produced by the knowledge in this book raises the bar for the outcomes of marriage to what God always intended them to be: fulfilled lifelong couples, successful and happy individuals, and glorious children, all which lead to substantial learning about oneself and about God.
As Denis Rainey says at the start of the book "This book will challenge your ideas about 'Traditional Marriage.'" I see Mr. Rainey, and I raise him; this is some HOT, HOT, SAUCE. This is a must-must read, and my new favourite book ever, but if you don't like the heat, stay out of the fire.
I'm positive that if you read this book, it will convince you to take action. It will put the reasoned desire in you to move your marriage to a whole new level. In that case, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the other book I just read- "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. If this book turns your idea of marriage from a skateboard to an Indy racer, Thomas' book will take your fast machine and put Space Shuttle booster rockets on it. If you only ever read two books on marriage, choose these two. They changed my life.
-Danny Vanderbyl
Ontario, Canada
The book launches with a fair and open discussion of roles in marriage. In case anybody out there is afraid of even talking about "roles" in marriage, rest assured Dr. Lewis fairly gives both the culture and tradition enough time to say their peace.
Nevertheless, be prepared to have your eyes blown wide open!
Launching from this consideration of roles in marriage, Dr. Robert Lewis passionately and yet surprisingly unpretentiously conveys to the reader a keen understanding of the key issues that plague society today, and yesterday. In the context of these issues, Dr. Lewis annihilates the shoddy ideas about marriage purveyed by both the culture AND tradition!
I found this book to be without question the most comprehensive, balanced, and informative consideration of marriage roles I have ever encountered. Lewis doesn't just challenge today's society; he has made a case against a fraudulent and stupid cultural mindset that has existed, largely unchallenged, for millennia!
Using statistics, rational thought, and refreshingly accurate interpretation of supporting documentation, Dr. Lewis puts the limelight on the failings of the current paradigms regarding marriage, and in response, he gives the fresh air people are gasping for - absolute victorious truth.
You don't have to be a Christian to understand (or even enjoy reading) this book - everything is supported by (obviously well-researched) relevant clinical and demographic information from wide-ranging sources. I might argue that many Christians would be shocked about how little they knew about marriage (as God intended it to be) before reading this book.
I come from a family where I lacked an involved father figure and I was raised by a dedicated single mother. I was shocked at times by what he said; Dr. Lewis' work helped me understand a lot about my own life. I implore societal leaders, mothers, fathers, and ANYBODY who wants to lead a fulfilling life to read this book - it will re-shape your ideas on how to achieve fulfilment and a balanced family life, and you will never regret it.
Lewis speaks boldly and without excuses. You may not like what he is saying, but I challenge anyone to disagree with him on a non-trivial point. Lewis bases his instruction on timeless truths, and it shows.
Dr. Robert Lewis has written THE defining book on marital structure and the functional operation of a marriage, as well as on the support systems for marriage (i.e. church, counsellors, friends.) The mindset produced by the knowledge in this book raises the bar for the outcomes of marriage to what God always intended them to be: fulfilled lifelong couples, successful and happy individuals, and glorious children, all which lead to substantial learning about oneself and about God.
As Denis Rainey says at the start of the book "This book will challenge your ideas about 'Traditional Marriage.'" I see Mr. Rainey, and I raise him; this is some HOT, HOT, SAUCE. This is a must-must read, and my new favourite book ever, but if you don't like the heat, stay out of the fire.
I'm positive that if you read this book, it will convince you to take action. It will put the reasoned desire in you to move your marriage to a whole new level. In that case, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the other book I just read- "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. If this book turns your idea of marriage from a skateboard to an Indy racer, Thomas' book will take your fast machine and put Space Shuttle booster rockets on it. If you only ever read two books on marriage, choose these two. They changed my life.
-Danny Vanderbyl
Ontario, Canada
April 4, 2025
Would not recommend this book. I am giving it 1 star, because there were a couple of nuggets of truth. There were several things I had an issue with for example the author kept talking about how work is the #1 most important thing in a man’s life. While I understand his point was to advise the wife to respect his work which is good advice, shouldn’t God be #1? I don’t know I feel like he talked more about work than God and there was barely any Bible verse / gospel in it, which is really what I’m looking for in a marriage book.
January 24, 2025
I think this was a very insightful book and the authors were clear in their unpacking of cultural expectations in marriage and then the biblical call in marriage. Some of the chapters were more specific to certain people in certain types of situations so they weren’t necessarily as relevant to me but overall the book was really interesting. I loved the historical aspect of seeing how marriage dynamics were in the time of Paul’s writings and the comparison to now. This book was written in the 90’s so even some of the cultural unpacking was a bit dated and it would be interesting to hear the authors’ perspectives about current times.
December 29, 2024
Overall, fairly good book. Sometimes Lewis and Hendricks are just slightly less firm than I think they should be on the role of husband and wife. Also, disagree on their brief takes on government involvement in employment. But overall, good book with some good historical information as well.
June 9, 2025
Highly recommend every Christian to read this book in the current culture where many Christian young couples are fed up with traditional roles in marriage and dabbling in egalitarian “roleless” marriage. I found it refreshingly balanced and biblical.
October 22, 2025
This book will challenge the "traditional" notion of submission, while giving clarity to what the Biblical definition of "equality" is.
Also, please note that only 1 of 26 REVIEWS gave this 1 star, and only 1 more gave it 2 stars...
Also, please note that only 1 of 26 REVIEWS gave this 1 star, and only 1 more gave it 2 stars...
January 12, 2021
I really enjoyed this book. It was a fast and easy read. I appreciated how Scripture was incorporated throughout the chapters.
January 18, 2023
Every married person needs to read this book!
Read
March 17, 2023Good and thought provoking. I did have some issues with portraying men as inept at dealing with life without the wife "caring for their self-esteem".
July 5, 2024
This is a must read for anyone who is married or desires to be married. Pastor’s will find it helpful for pre-marital and marital counseling.
October 5, 2025
A very good book on the roles in marriage. It goes so much deeper than just the common lead/submit thinking. Highly recommend!
October 5, 2021
I loved this book! It's illustrations are a little outdated; I believe it was written in the 90's.
April 29, 2026
This book has some helpful advice, but unless you want something that reinforces hierarchy in marriage and implies that only the men need respect, that men are the equivalent of 12 year old little boys who are so insecure they need their wife to be subservient, say everything right, and treat them like a king, it may not be the book for you. He has an abysmally low view of men and gives women the advice that their place is as a support to make sure their husbands and children become all they can be and that they must make sure they never even give the appearance of competition or surpassing their husbands lest they tear him down and cause him to crumple into insecurity.
While I don't disagree that respect is important, both partners should have that. While I agree that there is a need to build one another up, neither men nor women should be so weak and lacking in self control that they cannot handle critique or their spouse surpassing them in some important aspect in life. They should be celebrating one another's wins, mutually submitting to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, and striving together to be all the Lord has made them to be. Not acting like all a woman can aspire to is to become the supporting force behind her husband, taking care never to be better than him or more than him in anything to protect a seriously fragile and, apparently, power needy ego. Nor should we be acting like men are so weak and fragile that a lack of "biological features that tell them their purpose in life" means they must forever be insecure and searching for purpose because they were not created with a body that, apparently, tells them what that purpose is, as women are, according to the author.
While the views of the book are generally dismal for both genders, I do think he does better than some in that he calls both parties to do what the Bible calls them to do... mostly. What he misses is that the passages on marital duties in context of both culture and the rest of the Bible are not uplifting the hierarchical patriarchy in the home that Rome practiced. Instead, it is radically suggesting that the women are modeling Christlikeness already in practicing submission because they're demanded by Roman law to do it. The men, however, get 8 verses where the women get only two because they've never been required to submit to anyone in their homes outside civic authorities, so they need to be told what submission looks like.
This author treats the man as if he is the leader of the home in a benevolent but dictatorial way (though he tries to maintain that the man should never use his power to harm his powerless wife). Yes, he mentions servant leadership, but only in the catchphrase sort of way most fundamentalists do; everything they describe where the major points are concerned sounds more like a monarchy in the home rather than any sense of true servanthood, which Jesus taught meant being last, not the one getting to tie break and call all the shots. It is only in small particulars, such as encouraging men to manage their households well by paying attention to make sure their wives are not being burned out or overwhelmed (which should happen not because he is leader but because he is a partner, and should go both ways), that make his take less awful or prone to enabling abuse.
So while it is better than some other books I've read and is owed credit for being the first to show me that maybe the hierarchical definitions of key Biblical passages on women were not correct, it did not step outside of that hierarchy as it claims to do. It reinforced the very roles, rooted purely in a historical view of women that is misogynistic and degrading rather than Biblical, that it claims it would refute because of the harm "traditional marriage" has done while claiming that a marriage of equals is impossible and erases gender distinctions, an argument that is not entirely honest about other readings of the texts that lead others to believe there can be complementarity with any hierarchy and with equal authority and voice in the home that does not come to the woman only by her husband's benevolent bestowal of that authority on her.
While I don't disagree that respect is important, both partners should have that. While I agree that there is a need to build one another up, neither men nor women should be so weak and lacking in self control that they cannot handle critique or their spouse surpassing them in some important aspect in life. They should be celebrating one another's wins, mutually submitting to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, and striving together to be all the Lord has made them to be. Not acting like all a woman can aspire to is to become the supporting force behind her husband, taking care never to be better than him or more than him in anything to protect a seriously fragile and, apparently, power needy ego. Nor should we be acting like men are so weak and fragile that a lack of "biological features that tell them their purpose in life" means they must forever be insecure and searching for purpose because they were not created with a body that, apparently, tells them what that purpose is, as women are, according to the author.
While the views of the book are generally dismal for both genders, I do think he does better than some in that he calls both parties to do what the Bible calls them to do... mostly. What he misses is that the passages on marital duties in context of both culture and the rest of the Bible are not uplifting the hierarchical patriarchy in the home that Rome practiced. Instead, it is radically suggesting that the women are modeling Christlikeness already in practicing submission because they're demanded by Roman law to do it. The men, however, get 8 verses where the women get only two because they've never been required to submit to anyone in their homes outside civic authorities, so they need to be told what submission looks like.
This author treats the man as if he is the leader of the home in a benevolent but dictatorial way (though he tries to maintain that the man should never use his power to harm his powerless wife). Yes, he mentions servant leadership, but only in the catchphrase sort of way most fundamentalists do; everything they describe where the major points are concerned sounds more like a monarchy in the home rather than any sense of true servanthood, which Jesus taught meant being last, not the one getting to tie break and call all the shots. It is only in small particulars, such as encouraging men to manage their households well by paying attention to make sure their wives are not being burned out or overwhelmed (which should happen not because he is leader but because he is a partner, and should go both ways), that make his take less awful or prone to enabling abuse.
So while it is better than some other books I've read and is owed credit for being the first to show me that maybe the hierarchical definitions of key Biblical passages on women were not correct, it did not step outside of that hierarchy as it claims to do. It reinforced the very roles, rooted purely in a historical view of women that is misogynistic and degrading rather than Biblical, that it claims it would refute because of the harm "traditional marriage" has done while claiming that a marriage of equals is impossible and erases gender distinctions, an argument that is not entirely honest about other readings of the texts that lead others to believe there can be complementarity with any hierarchy and with equal authority and voice in the home that does not come to the woman only by her husband's benevolent bestowal of that authority on her.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 7, 2014
We used this book in our small group. We have been going over it since the beginning of fall. A very decent book. It is a good starter book for new small groups and has enough content to assist with some challenging and profitable discussions while not being too difficult. The world cries "role-less" marriages are the way of the future, but if God has clearly defined the roles of husband and wife, then this way of thinking is wrong. I recently spoke with a friend at work who spelled out her marriage in terms of no defined roles. She claimed how great it worked, and claims to follow God to honor Him in her marriage. She had no idea that was contradictory. This is a good book to recommend to someone who has not considered roles in marriage and it’s easy to read through (short chapters).
April 15, 2008
Sound, biblical, applicable, readable stuff; highly recommended to anyone considering marriage, in order to engage your hopes and questions with Christian truth. Lewis develops a model of manhood and womanhood, and their unity in the sacred institution of marriage, that goes beyond the selfish, narrow categories that our culture offers us. Against both gender-equal and "traditional" understandings of marriage, Lewis suggests the biblical model is one which both preserves the headship of the husband while also emphasizing the sacrifice and service he must render ("servant-leadership"), as well as the necessary and natural complementarity of man and woman as "one flesh". Thanks to God for Robert Lewis!
October 23, 2013
Rich with Scripture, statistics, and personal experiences, Rocking the Roles examines the roles and responsibilities outlined in the Bible. Not only did I discover a lot of useful information about myself, but I also learned about the specific steps I need to take to be a better wife. I also gained a deeper understanding of my husband and the pressures that he faces. Needless to say, this book has changed my life for the better.
March 31, 2014
Excellent book on roles in marriage & the biblical foundation of living in those roles & supporting your mate in their role. Every couple should read this & it would be great if this were read early on in your marriage. Hubs & I both loved it & feel like it offers such a clear picture of the foundation your marriage should build on. Loved it & we will re-read this every so often, it's that good!
January 9, 2012
Favorite quote- submission is not the wife's role, but her response to her husband's role. Submission takes little initiative and would be unexciting to a woman. Her role is much more dynamic and creative. (Brittany paraphrase)
December 30, 2013
Hubby and I have read this multiple times and used it in bible studies as well. A GREAT marriage book! We read this at the very start of our marriage and it really laid a great foundation for us. If I recall, it is an easy read, to the point and some real gems of advice!
March 26, 2008
I really like this book. It explains the Christian roles of marriage in an easy to understand way.
June 19, 2008
Very good beginning ... looking forward to finishing and forming better opinions on this topic.
Read
April 17, 2009Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage by Robert Lewis (?)
January 31, 2012
Great Biblical insight into what a marriage should really look like.
October 16, 2012
insightful.
February 18, 2013
I like the perspective this book has. I felt it talked more in practical terms of what men's roles are but I still got much out of it. Very refreshing.
March 20, 2013
The marriage book I learned the most from. Love his recommendations for working moms.
April 6, 2016
Nothing really new or groundbreaking here. Pretty basic stuff. Long-winded at times.
August 23, 2010
Discusses the Biblical roles of men and women in marraige.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews