An Asperger Marriage

by Chris Slater-Walker

Chris and Gisela have been partners for twelve years. Four years ago Chris was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. For Chris, this was an explanation of why he had always regarded himself as 'socially handicapped'. For Gisela, it meant coming to terms with a marriage in which there would never be an intuitive understanding despite Chris's good intentions. For the couple it was the beginning of a long and still unfinished process of learning to live with a disability regarded by some as incompatible with marriage.

Genres: Aspergers, Health, Autistic Spectrum Disorder

160 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2002

Reviews

[Rainbow · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book should be subtitled, "How to abuse your Asperger partner and make him think it is his fault." Gisela admits up front that she has no desire to learn anything about Asperger's or autism. She says that she knows that Chris hates loud noises, so what does she do? She makes loud noises. SHE THROWS DISHES AT HIM. To me that sounds like domestic violence. Gisela's part of the book is made up of complaints about Chris. "Chris does this, and I hate it. Chris does that, and I hate it. But I'm not going to tell him that I hate it. He has to figure that out on his own." Of course, Chris can't figure it out, so he goes around wondering what on earth he's done wrong. It's like gaslighting. Chris's portion of the book shows that his self-esteem is a mess and he thinks he should be grateful that a wonderful, amazing woman like Gisela wants to have anything to do with him.

I suggest that anyone who wants to have a healthy relationship with a person who has Asperger's should stay far away from this book.

[Laura Cushing · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book should have been titled how NOT to have an Asperger marriage. If this is what the typical marriage between an aspie and an nt is like, I am glad that both my husband and I are on the spectrum. The chapters include segments from both the husband and the wife. The husband's sections often talk about his low self-esteem and doubts in his competence as a husband and father-- and when you read the wife's sections, it's no wonder why.

If someone threw things and shouted when they were angry, took their ex-husband along on vacation, and didn't allow you to discipline the children you were raising, posted notes all over your computer dictating things she thought you should say and not say -- you'd have poor self-esteem too. Never mind the aspergers.

This is horrible book and should be read by no one. There is no practical advice you can, or should take, that applies to your own situation other than don't marry someone like this woman.

[Mandy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is about a particular marriage where the man has since the marriage been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome. I found the book interesting in part. The couple seemed honest and open, but they did not answer several of the questions that I would have liked to ask.

There are plenty of men about who are selfish, rude etc, so I wondered how would you know when a man you are with is being rude because he feels like being rude, or is being rude because he cannot help it due to his AS? Also, there was a lot of talk about the gifts of AS, but the talk never extended to describing them, which raither frustrated me.

I would have liked more information about Aspergers itself. What exactly is it? Okay, it is a neurological condition, but I don't entirely understand what that means. I was also lost by the chapter that went through the medical scientific terms of dignosis, and where Chris and Gisela commented on how Chris was affected in those areas. I would have liked a translation of what the medical jargon meant! One reason I am buying and reading books about Aspergers is to discover more, so the presumption that I have quite a sophisticated understanding of the condition and it's effects is annoying.

[Laureen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am amazed at the poor reviews this book has gotten. I found this book incredibly accurate in describing an AS marriage. Tony Attwood’s Foreword was also very good. Many people have grown up from childhood with this confusion condition which has a maze of difficulties in relating successfully to other people. AS people are, on the whole, very sensitive, loveable people but undeniably different from neurotypical people. This makes marriage difficult unless the NT partner can support and replace some of the more important social skills for the AS partner.

It was once assumed that people on the higher intellectual level of Autism just grew out of it but this is because they learned, at an early stage, how to copy NT behaviour to some degree. Imagine how many AS people are now adults and married and dealing with the unknown. This is a tragedy unless both partners have AS I would assume but that could create other difficulties as no two AS people have exactly the same behaviours. I worry about how many marriages have broken down because of adult Aspergers not being recognised. This book has many incites as it has chapters from both partners discussing a troubling marriage issue. Yes, you get both sides of thinking.

[Korie Barrios · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written as far as expressing their thoughts, but as a relationship I felt they both used his disability as an excuse not to grow. Mostly the husband while the wife seemed to grow apathetic disguising it as acceptance.

[Sasha Boersma · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not very deep, and very surface. Although, I did I read this towards the end of my phase of devouring all resources about Aspergers. It didn't share anything new that I was looking for.

The writing style was also not as engaging (so honestly, I really only skimmed the book). For more interesting tales about AS-NT relationships, pick up David Finch's or John Elder Robinson's books. Much more humourous and less clinical-feeling.

[Tim Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not always an easy read, as it is not the slick production of a professional author, but worth some effort if autism interests you. Lot's of good insights, deeply honest, an real snap shot of people in a place together.

[Shawn Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

I see that a lot of people don't like this book, but I found it to be rather insightful, and wish that I'd read it sooner than I had.