The Perfect Stranger: The Truth About Mothers and Nannies

by Lucy Kaylin

Lucy Kaylin has written a book that begins with the watershed moment in a mother's life―when she decides to hire a proxy to care for her children. Given that it's not only affluent women who turn to nannies anymore, this arrangement is also a watershed in the history of women's rights. Women now have choices. And therein lies the problem. Having choices has forced women to confront their feelings about motherhood and work, and to make difficult decisions requiring wrenching sacrifice. It's a murky, ambivalent time, and nowhere is that ambivalence more acutely expressed than in a working mother's relationships with her children's nanny, who serves such a precious function in the private space that is the family home. Lucy Kaylin, an experienced journalist who has interviewed prominent newsmakers of every stripe, isn't afraid to ask the tough questions to get to the heart of this complex relationship. She looks at the nanny/mother relationship from both sides. As a working mother who hired a babysitter of her own, she knows the process intimately. Kaylin exposes both the great joys and the difficult emotional issues that play out when working women invite perfect strangers into their homes to help care for their children.

Genres: Nonfiction

240 pages, Hardcover

First published May 29, 2007

Reviews

[Hanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought that this book was really excellent. It's not at all a how-to book, but is rather a meta-reflection on the emotionally-loaded relationship between mothers and their nannies--inspired by the author's own relationship with her long-time nanny. I really appreciated this book.

[Elyssa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book because I live in Brooklyn and am surrounded by nannies and kids. For our son, we chose group care over the nanny option, but the whole nanny experience is interesting to me. This book explores the relationship between mothers and nannies, including the complicated (and often unacknowledged) race and class issues that can overshadow this partnership. The author also explores the vague boundaries between professionalism and friendship with the nanny. It's complex because the job requires the nanny's ability to provide love and genuine warmth to the children in her care, but she is also an employee so there are more practical business aspects to the relationship. There is a brief chapter on using a nanny cam with different outcomes, some of them very upsetting. Overall, it comfirmed my own comfort level with group care because my son is surrounded by a lot of caregivers who can support (and monitor) one another. From this book, I do realize that some parents really value the one-on-one care provided by a nanny and are willing to deal with the challenges of selecting, hiring, and retaining a personal caregiver.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read and good primer on the nanny/mother relationship. The book is (admittedly by the author) completely anecdotal, so take it with a grain of salt. I thought it was enlightening, but there wasn't a lot of actionable insights to glean from it. The book is also very East coast focused... I'm not sure if the race/ethnicity issue (which she focuses on quite a bit) are as relevant on the West coast. Then again, I haven't started looking for a nanny yet!

My next read will be more focused on nanny how-to's, like how to look for a nanny, how much to pay them, what to include in the contract, etc.

[Latasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Better than the other nanny book I read "And Nanny Makes Three." This one focused on the positive relationships, the truly intimate situation you create inviting a nanny into your home. It also talks a lot about how the small snafus are not truly important to the success of a nanny. Your children are priority number one. However, there was still a large focus on immigrant women and the issues that go along with that.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book was a quick read, yet slightly unsettling. it brought up a lot of issues about motherhood, the role of women in society, class, race, etc. that are surprisingly difficult for me to process at the moment.

[Tia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a somewhat narrow exploration of the mother/nanny relationship (narrow in that it focused on full-time working moms in NYC and their immigrant nannies.) Interesting but all too easy to judge.

[Kamy Wicoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought Kaylin did an excellent job with a delicate subject: the intimate, fraught, tricky but important and indispensable relationship between parents and the (almost all) women who care for their children. I found it fascinating.

[Ann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am obessed with childcare related books. I just finished this one - it was a little to NY powermom centric but interesting nonetheless.

[Jasmin · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book was ok but nothing out of the ordinary.

[Molly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short, peppy, fluffy, personal

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

helped me better understand the mother/sitter relationship.