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Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You: A Paranoid Pet Owner’s Manual
Welcome to the shadowy world where your cat’s cuddle might just be a reconnaissance mission. Here, each purr is suspect, every gift a warning, and the innocent act of sleeping on your keyboard? A strategic move in the silent battle for dominance. This isn’t just another day in your cozy, cat-dominated household—it’s an insight into the cunning mind behind those whiskers.
Discover the art of survival in a land where being ignored is a power play, and affection could be the prelude to an assassination attempt. With a blend of dark humor and unnerving accuracy, navigate the minefield of feline companionship where every adorable trait masks a calculated strategy for household control.
Arm yourself with the knowledge to decipher the murder stares and midnight zoomies of your fluffy overlord. It’s a world where paranoia meets reality, and love for your pet comes with a side of suspicion. Dive into the darkly humorous life of cohabitation with the cutest of predators, and it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.
Discover the art of survival in a land where being ignored is a power play, and affection could be the prelude to an assassination attempt. With a blend of dark humor and unnerving accuracy, navigate the minefield of feline companionship where every adorable trait masks a calculated strategy for household control.
Arm yourself with the knowledge to decipher the murder stares and midnight zoomies of your fluffy overlord. It’s a world where paranoia meets reality, and love for your pet comes with a side of suspicion. Dive into the darkly humorous life of cohabitation with the cutest of predators, and it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.
62 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 21, 2024
21 people are currently reading
21 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
April 30, 2024
“Cats are not simple house pets. They are expert manipulators enacting a generational plan for global domination, with humans as their unwitting servants.”
I have two cats, Florian and Abbot. I have never questioned Florian’s dominance and late night rendezvous with dark lords from another realm. I always say that he is a reincarnated criminal with knowledge of the unknown and the unseen and some malevolent force is using his vessel to do its bidding. Abbot, on the other hand, is just little baby orange blep. No thought, just vibes. But after reading this…. I might start watching Abbot a little more closely.
This short book is satire at its core, and legitimately made me laugh out loud a few times. I can only imagine the war that would actually start if I booped Florian on the head with a can of tuna.
Funny, light, cat owners and lovers will enjoy it. Cute!
I’m fine with being a servant to our dark felines if it means I can also revel in the spoils of their ancient power.
I have two cats, Florian and Abbot. I have never questioned Florian’s dominance and late night rendezvous with dark lords from another realm. I always say that he is a reincarnated criminal with knowledge of the unknown and the unseen and some malevolent force is using his vessel to do its bidding. Abbot, on the other hand, is just little baby orange blep. No thought, just vibes. But after reading this…. I might start watching Abbot a little more closely.
This short book is satire at its core, and legitimately made me laugh out loud a few times. I can only imagine the war that would actually start if I booped Florian on the head with a can of tuna.
Funny, light, cat owners and lovers will enjoy it. Cute!
I’m fine with being a servant to our dark felines if it means I can also revel in the spoils of their ancient power.
August 19, 2024
I love my cat overlords!
As a cat mom of 5, I absolutely get this paranoid pet owners manual. 2 of my cats have definitely tried to murder me. Tabitha, by jumping on my chest from a higher elevation when I'm lying on the couch watching TV and Bert, who gets all adorable rolling on his back and grabbing at my feet at the top of the stairs I'm trying to go down. My Skeletor would never think of harming me, though. He's a big boy at 14 pounds and just wants held 90% of the time, the other 10% is when he insists I let him drink from the faucet or hold his dish of wet food up as an offering for him to actually eat it. George and Whiskers would probably try to kill me if I'm late with their feeding. Each one of my babies has quirks and personality unique to them and I adore them all for it. This little manual gets that and celebrates what it means to be chosen as a cat parent because it is very much them choosing you.
As a cat mom of 5, I absolutely get this paranoid pet owners manual. 2 of my cats have definitely tried to murder me. Tabitha, by jumping on my chest from a higher elevation when I'm lying on the couch watching TV and Bert, who gets all adorable rolling on his back and grabbing at my feet at the top of the stairs I'm trying to go down. My Skeletor would never think of harming me, though. He's a big boy at 14 pounds and just wants held 90% of the time, the other 10% is when he insists I let him drink from the faucet or hold his dish of wet food up as an offering for him to actually eat it. George and Whiskers would probably try to kill me if I'm late with their feeding. Each one of my babies has quirks and personality unique to them and I adore them all for it. This little manual gets that and celebrates what it means to be chosen as a cat parent because it is very much them choosing you.
April 28, 2024
Why Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You is a fun and hilarious way to view our frisky felines and their amusing and cantankerous ways. You are gifted to a wonderfully entertaining list of questionable and curious behavior that is sure to lead to many good belly laughs. What a delightful and thought-provoking journey into the world of cat ownership and all it entails! I encourage any and all cat lovers to pick up this book and enjoy the best and worst and of your favorite pet.
September 18, 2025
Hilarious!
Oh, thank you. I am still wiping my tears after laughing hysterically for an hour! You surely know your cat (and mine)! I'm glad I'm not the only paranoid cat lady! One thing my Limits can do that I appreciate, is she predicts earthquakes! She knows at 15 minutes before one happens and comes and tells me. She's saved our lives a couple of times. I'd say she has earned her Fancy Feast and salmon steak.
Oh, thank you. I am still wiping my tears after laughing hysterically for an hour! You surely know your cat (and mine)! I'm glad I'm not the only paranoid cat lady! One thing my Limits can do that I appreciate, is she predicts earthquakes! She knows at 15 minutes before one happens and comes and tells me. She's saved our lives a couple of times. I'd say she has earned her Fancy Feast and salmon steak.
October 10, 2025
This book is a must read for all cat owners.
While I have my doubts that a sweet orange kitty like Pumpkin, would have the elusive brain cell long enough to follow through on these plots it is a delightful read.
While I have my doubts that a sweet orange kitty like Pumpkin, would have the elusive brain cell long enough to follow through on these plots it is a delightful read.
March 26, 2024
That was funny. You never know what sinister thoughts might be lurking underneath that sweet kitty face. The audiobook is even funnier and is free on Google.
July 5, 2024
A hilarious look at the ferocious feline that rules your home. The dreaded death stare to the midnight yowls, this fun quick story is entertaining
September 18, 2024
книжка просто ніяка. авторка розжовує поведінку кота на рівні голлівудського фільму з таким пафосом, а по факту я 10 сторінок читаю як кіт ходить на лоток та мурчить. кидаю читати з третьої глави
October 1, 2024
Comically accurate
Ms Chu hits the nail on the head with her book. If you share your home with a feline overlord, you need to read this!
Ms Chu hits the nail on the head with her book. If you share your home with a feline overlord, you need to read this!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews