You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse--An 8- Step Program

by Suzette Haden Elgin

You can't say that to me! "Can't you do anything right?" "I can'tbelieve you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? Anddon't tell me it's a casserole, I already know that." "If youreally cared about me, you wouldn't behave this way." Soundfamiliar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of veryunpleasant language from those who are closest to us--spouses,employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use ofunanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm,insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant;it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalatingarguments and physical violence. Suzette Haden Elgin, creator ofthe "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," has developed a unique andrevolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence andeliminate it from your life--without ruining your marriage, riskingyour job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows youhow to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future
* An 8-step program that helps you recognize the patterns of verbalabuse
* Specific language techniques that enable you to avoid escalatingarguments and break the cycle of abuse using skills you alreadypossess
* Questionnaires and diaries that help you analyze abusivesituations, evaluate your responses to them, and track yourprogress
In this book Dr. Elgin proves that verbal abuse is not caused byhuman nature, but by language. She helps you discover that you arean expert in your own language, already highly qualified to solvethis problem for yourself, quickly and forever.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Marriage, Abuse

224 pages, Paperback

First published February 16, 1995

About the author

Suzette Haden Elgin was an American science fiction author. She founded the Science Fiction Poetry Association, and is considered an important figure in the field of science fiction constructed languages. Elgin was also a linguist; she published non-fiction, of which the best-known is the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense series.

Born in 1936 in Missouri, Elgin attended the University of California, San Diego (UCSD) in the 1960s, and began writing science fiction in order to pay tuition. She has a Ph.D. in linguistics, and was the first UCSD student to ever write two dissertations (on English and Navajo). She created the engineered language Láadan for her Native Tongue science fiction series. A grammar and dictionary was published in 1985. She is a supporter of feminist science fiction, saying "women need to realize that SF is the only genre of literature in which it's possible for a writer to explore the question of what this world would be like if you could get rid of [X], where [X] is filled in with any of the multitude of real world facts that constrain and oppress women. Women need to treasure and support science fiction." [1]

In addition, she published works of shorter fiction. Overlying themes in her work include feminism, linguistics and the impact of language, and peaceful coexistence with nature. Many of her works also draw from her Ozark background and heritage.

Elgin became a professor at her alma mater's cross-town rival, San Diego State University (SDSU). She retired in 1980.

Reviews

[Amy Christensen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Elgin's book brought tears to my eyes as I recognized myself in the examples provided in her book. What I liked best about this book is that I began to see that my relationship with my former husband was not my only instance of horrific verbal abuse. It forced me to admit to myself that all of my intimate relationships with men have been verbally abusive; and I came to recognize that verbal violence was a part of my regular communication with my siblings and my mother. What could this mean? I began to see that I was in fact the common denominator.

This is not to say that I deserve verbal abuse or that it is my fault. The only coping skills I knew were to fall into my verbal abusers traps by pleading and debating. Not to mention the emotional aftermath of feeling like a worthless human being. Elgin provided me with an excellent selection of new verbal strategies. While it would be great if these verbal skills have an effect on the abusers in my life the real victory is that I will now have more control over how I react to the verbal abuse. I will now no longer be reduced to a mewling child begging for forgiveness for the rainy weather that somehow was my fault.

What I struggled with was Elgin's implication that these systems are infallible. I think that presentation is dangerously flawed. Part of my abuse cycle is that my abusers had me convinced that my love was the most important thing in their world. I would therefore forgive them, believe them and accept their abuse because I felt responsible for loving them. "He loves me," I would think, "underneath it all he is a good person and he needs me." Therefore I endured these relationships and repeated my abuse cycle. Elgin unfortunately gave strength to that misconception. As I stated, I cried from this book because my first thoughts were ones of guilt: "If only I had this book sooner; I could have saved my marriage!" But I do know that even Elgin could not have helped me there. The truth is you cannot change another person with your own actions. You only have control of your own self. An abuser must ultimately accept responsibility for the pain that they cause. I do understand that the abuser inflicts pain to mask their own, but I know very few abusers who are willing to face their demons and change.

I am excited to try her techniques in my life and begin empowering myself. However, abuse of any kind I will not tolerate anymore. In my situation, divorce was my only option. Sometimes the only way to end the abuse is to say goodbye. I wish Elgin had addressed that issue.

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book helpful and used a lot of her suggestions. I took her information and techniques and applied them to my situations. This book does not use subtle verbal abuse as examples. The verbal abuse examples are very overt. In my situation I face subtle verbal abuse and I found that the techniques worked, especially the Baroque Boring Response (BBR). This has worked well with people in my family of origin who verbally abuse in group situations but their words don't seem abusive. Furthermore, she breaks a lot of myths our there around what we think of verbal abuse and for this, I am so grateful in having read this.

[John Stallworth]

Great book to make you think about how men and women talk to each other, and the damage it does to anyone who is listening. Her book is not about "abusive people". It is about all of us who might be unaware of the ways in which our remarks affect others.

If there are children in your house, you should read this book. It will change the way you talk.

[GBooklover · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am learning a tremendous amount from the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense books. The first one has been the backbone for me. This one though is more applicable to my life as I deal with verbal abuse regularly.

I don't know if on its own this book would be able to help me as much as I need, but combined with some other Suzette Haden Elgin books, and Verbal Judo by George Thompson (and some other books I'm just looking into) I am really changing my communication patterns. It is VERY HARD work! It is requiring that I study and re-read and practice a lot, even to make small changes, but the results are astounding. I had no idea how much my way of speaking (and therefore thinking) was keeping me in a one down, defensive position my whole life.

I'm using the skills she teaches with my partner, with clients, with sales people, with friends.

Simply by changing the way I think and talk, I'm actually being able to achieve my goals (even during conflict) in a way which benefits everyone involved. There are few things more important to me in life. I highly recommend this book.

[Susan C Lance · Rating 3 out of 5]

Verbal abuse

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though this is the 8th book in the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense series, the author states it is the one she would have written first, if she'd known how to write it when she started the series. I think it is a very good introduction to the concept and lays a good foundation for the study of verbal self-defense.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 2 out of 5]

Skimmed this, not what I was looking for at the moment. I think I would have gotten more out of it if there had been more examples of the situations where snarky comments occur. It was still interesting.

[Nancy Dyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A familiar study on how to use language effectively and with awareness, while avoiding hurtful speech.

[Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of course it is different dealing with a sociopath!

[Anthony · Rating 2 out of 5]

I couldn't find any relevant or information that was helpful. I didn't finish this book.