Boy Wander: A Coming of Age Memoir

by Jobert Abueva

Boy wonder by day. Boy toy by night.
A child TV personality from a prominent Filipino family and the son of an accomplished academic, Jobert Abueva was a high achiever at his all-boys Catholic international school in Tokyo, Japan. Whatever Jobert did, he had to be the best, racking up achievements. He was a favorite among his fellow students, who elected him twice to the Student Council as vice president and president. Jobert was a brain bowl, excelling on the school's debating team, a speech all-star, and a varsity track hero. He wrote for the school newspaper and yearbook and performed in school plays. A golden boy who could do no wrong. But Jobert had a secret nobody could know. At night, led a clandestine existence turning tricks with foreign male guests at Tokyo's world-renowned Imperial Hotel. So it's not surprising that he had to be the best and was handsomely paid for it. More exciting and better pay than delivering newspapers. A BMOC (Big Man on Campus), he juggled dual identities of boy wonder and boy toy, sure that if exposed, he would be shunned by his friends and devastate all who groomed him for greatness.
Boy Wander is an intimate coming-of-age portrait of the author's sexuality as seen through the eyes of a child of the 1960s and 70s and a teenager before the advent of AIDS and finally as a young man arriving in America. From Manila, Kathmandu, Bangkok, and Kyoto to New York, Chicago, and San Francisco, the author navigates denial and acceptance, erotic and unconditional love, transience, and transnationalism. Even as the world has become more accepting over the decades, this book's present-day relevance provides inspiration to those struggling to reconcile family values and societal expectations with being true to themselves.

216 pages, Paperback

First published May 3, 2023

About the author

Jobert E. Abueva is winner of the Lambda Literary J. Michael Samuel Prize and Writer's Advice Flash Memoir contest. He is also recipient of the Arch and Bruce Brown Foundation Literary Award for historical LGBTQ short fiction as well as two National Arts Club literary scholarships. His writings have been featured in The New York Times, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Beyond Queer Words, Harrington Gay Men's Fiction Quarterly and Poetry Nippon. Jobert holds degrees from the University of Michigan - Ann Arbor (BA) and Columbia Business School (MBA). Born in Manila, Philippines, he is a global marketer by day, and resides in New Hope, Pennsylvania. Read more at jobertabueva.net or follow him on Twitter (@jabueva), Facebook (@joberteabueva) and Instagram (@jobert_abueva)

Reviews

[Maileen Hamto · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Boy Wander" is Jobert Abueva’s heartrending, evocative memoir relaying pivotal moments in his childhood as he awakens into the joys and tribulations of adolescence. His is a coming-of-age story like no other. His story begins on the eve of Martial Law under the Marcos dictatorship, where his father, a prominent political science professor, is suspected of disloyalty to the regime. The increasing threat to the family’s safety led the elder Abueva to seek visiting professorships in the United States, Nepal, Thailand and Japan. Thus, the author and his siblings spent the majority of their childhoods as “third-culture kids,” young people who are raised in a culture outside of their parents’ “passport country.” Abueva eagerly immersed in various experiences in new, albeit temporary, homes. Blossoming into sexual awareness, he realizes his attraction to boys. Adventures into self-discovery teach tough lessons about the pitfalls of desire, the importance of self-preservation, and the gift of gracious friendships.

I read the book from my vantage point as a Filipina-American straight, cisgender woman. I spent my formative years in Manila during the Marcos regime, and understand the weight of exile imposed upon those incriminated with plotting against the dictatorship. For readers who are not as familiar with Philippine cultural contexts, Abueva offers a crash course in history and politics, anchored in the tumultuous era. What was most poignant for me was Abueva’s courageous and thought-provoking narrative about growing up gay in the late 1970s, as a Filipino transplant attending a Catholic school in Tokyo. “Boy Wander” shares the lessons of shame, guilt, and reckoning with one’s true identity. His escapades involved a perilous double life as a straight-A student government leader and an underaged “call boy.” During that time, there was much stigma and secrecy around being gay, leading Abueva to engage in covert, risky, and dangerous behavior.

Overcoming years of concealment and condemnation, Abueva pridefully shares his story in Boy Wander. It underscores the importance of standing up for and protecting the rights of the LGBTQIA+ community at all costs. Abueva’s story reminds us that we must continue to advocate for inclusivity so that gay and trans children no longer have to suffer under the weight of societal pressure to conform to heteronormativity. The community has fought hard for recognition and respect, and threats to marriage equality and attacks on the humanity of transgender people endanger the progress achieved over the last few decades.

[Book Reviewer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second-graders should be carefree, have plenty of time to play with friends, and lack all the worries of adulthood. Jobert, however, lives quite a different life altogether. His father is politically active, and his mother’s concerns for his safety spill over into their everyday lives. Jobert, at the tender age of seven, has been forced into recognizing his own sexuality and deals on a daily basis with the memory of abuse by an adult he believed he could trust. Jobert begins a long journey of seeking approval and trying to find himself along the way.

Boy Wander: A Coming of Age Memoir, by Jobert E. Abueva, is the moving account of young Jobert’s experiences as the son of parents who have their own approaches to encouraging and molding his future. Jobert is an elementary student when his life is impacted by abuse–abuse on which he dwells and keeps to himself. Around the same time, Jobert realizes he has strong feelings for a boy in his school. Abueva’s writing brings young Jobert to life. His feelings, his struggles, and his fears are almost palpable. I found myself wanting to reach through time and space to comfort Jobert. One of the most impactful moments in the book came in the first few pages. After reading about Jobert’s horrifying experience as a six-year-old, I was moved to tears when I then scrolled to see the photo of a three-year-old Jobert, innocent and precious. I don’t know that Abueva could have made a more striking statement without ever typing a word. The enormity of Jobert’s treatment at such a young age hits home with a single photo. The history relayed in Abueva’s writing is an added bonus and only serves to enrich Jobert’s story. I was especially moved by the plight of the boat people from Vietnam. Abueva truly brings Jobert to life as the reader sees historical events through his eyes. His innocence is essentially the main character in Abueva’s work, and readers will find themselves completely wrapped up in his experiences.

There are some books that move you and some that simply take your breath with their honesty and biting reality. Abueva’s work, Boy Wander: A Coming of Age Memoir, is of the latter. Nowhere will readers find a more open and honest look at childhood and all of its challenges. I recommend Abueva’s work to anyone interested in exploring a new author who, without a doubt, writes from the heart.

[Reader Views · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Boy Wander: A Coming of Age Memoir” by Jobert E. Abueva is a powerful, poignant memoir you can’t forget. Jobert was a golden child, expected to achieve and excel in everything. Growing up as a young TV personality afforded him a life that came with a price. He was the envy of everyone on campus during the day, but at night he exchanged sexual favors for money, on an international scale. He grew up in the ’60s and ’70s before the era of HIV. His nightlife, however, was secret, and he thought he would lose it all if his friends and family ever found out.

Abueva deftly relays the most intimate details of his life, showing us how he yearned for real love while playing the part so well, and living in a world between the traditional and the non-traditional. If you’ve ever felt like an outsider, or a pretender, like people would shun you if they knew the real you, then you will connect with this autobiography.

When you get right down to it, the author’s main goal was survival, but he didn’t think anyone would understand. If you peel back the layers of what you think Jobert was about, you will glimpse a story that will break your heart and open your eyes. You get a good view from a true personal story of what it was like to be different back then. This book can open doors for people to discover who they really are and what they’re about. The life story is rich and full of detail, reads like a quick-paced drama, and allows the reader to develop along with the author.

This innocence-to-experience book will leave a lasting impression on you and will show you where culture is today compared to decades ago. Some parts of the book are a little painful to read, but that’s what I like about the author’s way of writing: he’s good at putting you in a specific time and place and pulling emotions from you. I’m glad the author is honest in his portrayal of abuse and how it played into his later life. I do like the author’s handle on character development, and the way he doesn’t waste words. Each thought and phrase has a purpose. For a life story that has a definite impact, “Boy Wander: A Coming of Age Memoir” by Jobert E. Abueva, is a must-read.

[Chikashi Miyamoto · Rating 5 out of 5]

The critics are right.

But I won't repeat their praises here.

Painting in words is very difficult.

One of my pet peeves about some authors is this. If you have been good at sprinting, it doesn’t mean you can do well in a marathon or an ironman. They all involve running, but they are different disciplines. Having done some form of writing as an essential part of one’s career, like copywriting or whatever, some people end up thinking they can be decent authors of books, whether fiction or non-fiction. Some are actually quite good at anything they write: that’s rare, indeed. Others produce books that are instruments of torture.

Some people resort to an excess of similes and metaphors and pack them in at every opportunity — like a bloody school assignment. If you do that for almost every sentence, you inevitably start to engage in semantic contortions and foppery that’s really rather unsightly, like that one guy who turns up at a party looking uncomfortable and like a buffoon because he’s trying too hard. It’s rude to subject the reader to such tortured shite for 200 pages. They make reading Hegel seem like a beach holiday.

Happily, Jobert is not one of them. The sentences are concise. The chapters are of digestible length. The story flows well. It starts and ends where it should. He gives enough colour and texture so you can visualise everything including what’s running through his head (well, both heads) and heart. As I said, that’s not easy, but he pulls it off. Hats off for that. Really. Well done, Jobert.

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

In the opening scene of this memoir, Jobert recounts a time at his father's work where he was alone with a man who touched him sexually. He was only six. Reading this, as a mom, I was horrified, and yet--Jobert takes this as the beginning of his realization of the power of sexuality. He doesn't seem to be harmed; he garners useful lessons from the experience: he wants more of this kind of exploration, and, he can't tell anyone. He realizes from an early age that he has to hide that he is gay, which he seems to do with remarkable energy and aplomb. He's a superstar academically at his fancy private school in Manila, Japan, and elsewhere, as his family moves around; after school, in the evenings, he becomes adept at visiting hotels where foreign men will pay for his company. All the time, he is a young man with a mission--leave home, go to school in the US, let his real life begin. I don't think I've read anything quite like it.

[Ashton Hiatt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the sexual coming of age through the lust of others. Very cool, very gay, worth the read

[Nicole-Anne Keyton (Hint of Library) · Rating 4 out of 5]

*Disclaimer: I received an Advanced Review Copy (ARC) from Reedsy Discovery in exchange for an honest review.

Content warning: child rape

Set mostly in the Philippines, Japan, and Nepal in the span of about a decade (1970-1982), Boy Wander details our fearless author’s sexual awakening as a pre-teen and his endless pursuit to satisfy a high libido without revealing to anyone he is gay.

Jobert's memoir begins with an account of being raped as a young boy — though it is unclear whether this should be read as the awakening itself or an encounter on the journey. All ambiguity quickly dissipates, however, when he learns how to masturbate, then graduates to the art of seeking out the pleasurable company of men.

Instead of coming out of the closet, Jobert keeps his night life separate from the life he leads at home and school. He takes on a robust academic schedule by day and moonlights at one of the city's notorious hookup hotels for gay men. As the son of a frequently-moving diplomat, this doesn't leave many folks for Jobert to confide in about his sexual identity, except for the rotary of older gay men passing through the Imperial Hotel. The least unsavory of them all, Leonard, might be Jobert's only confidante, and Jobert only encounters him a handful of times in his youth. Leonard is the only one who seems to care about Jobert's safety, especially when rumor of AIDS hits Japan. Why is it that the most resonating stories about loneliness involve the largest groups of people? (Cue that line from The Great Gatsby.)

While I don't have an extensive reading background on queer memoir and bildungsroman, what I can say is that Jobert's memoir takes on these familiar forms of queer coming-of-age and rips them off the page, revealing underneath the raw tissue of taboo exposed fresh air. You want to root for his success every time he narrowly scrapes by without blowing his cover, because nothing means more to a teenager than surviving with pride. Ditto reflecting on heartbreak, which Jobert encounters time and again with high school crushes and his relatively wholesome rendezvouses with Leonard, a mentor worth rooting for in many ways.

Fans of the film Lady Bird and Albert Samaha's post-colonial family memoir Concepcion will find solace in the coming-of-age antics of Boy Wander. Jobert Abeuva's memoir is equal parts wise-assed and innocent; youthful yet experienced; intimate yet open-ended, eager to tell us what happens next.