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Searching for Courtship: The Smart Woman's Guide to Finding a Good Husband
The author of Love Cycles offers a biological reappraisal of courtship, describing the four roles a woman plays when she wants courtship and explaining the eleven principles that comprise the code of courtship. 25,000 first printing. $25,000 ad/promo. Tour.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published April 6, 1993
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November 9, 2023
Dr Cutler is an intelligent and intuitive woman. I hold a lot of the same beliefs as she does when it comes to courting and love. She magnifies the necessity of not giving it up right away. Courtship is generally necessary and only comes into play when men have something to work for. Men are born with the desire to hunt so I always say the woman is depriving him if she makes it too easy for him or tries to take over the role of pursuing. It's like winning in Scrabble. Yes, I always have the goal in mind that i want to win(unless I'm playing with my 10 yr old who I pretend to lose to) so I'm content with winning but the times that I am truly inspired and enjoy the journey of the game is when I play against somebody that I'm not confident that I will win. I'm not all cocky about it because i know i may lose but the important thing is I am hopeful. It's not much fun to play with somebody that is way below your skill level that you can guarantee yourself that you will win unless of course you're playing for money hahaha
It wouldn't be that enjoyable to play Scrabble all the time against my 4 year old niece. As much as I love her.
On the other hand it's not much fun to play against somebody that is impossible to win and no matter how many hundreds of times i play them, they blow me out of the water by hundreds of points. If I could pretty much guarantee that I am going to lose because it's as reliable as the fact that night is going to come again then it seems like it a waste of time to even try. I would just prefer to avoid playing against that impossible person after getting beat down by them consecutively for hundreds and hundreds of games by 100s and hundreds of points.
I imagine that men play this dance when it comes to getting a woman naked.. They do want the challenge unless they're only after that one thing but they want to know that you're attracted to them and that you're not wasting their time either. You really do hope that it leads in that direction. If it didn't you would be disappointed as well. He needs to feel that. The way you can do that is by being flirtatious and honest about your intentions. By letting them know you don't see them as just a friend without hope for furthering your connection into physical and emotional intimacy. I think that's why some really really gorgeous women have trouble getting men for keeps. Everyone's shocked that they have such bad luck in love but maybe they set off that stigma that they think they're just too good for the man. The man can sense this and it shuts him off too. Charisma and chemistry are really important. No matter how gorgeous or smart you are, whether you're a man or a woman, it's going to be hard to spend time with you if you don't have a personality or even smile when we say a joke or seem repulsed when our hands touch ..you're stuck up,boring,unreachable. That is not the playing hard to get game that is advised.
A really insightful woman has the capability to pursue without even being known that she is doing that. When I pursue somebody, I let him pursue me. ;)
If that makes sense.
When I want a man just as badly as he wants me, I always am sure that he doesn't know this. I put him in the position to think he has to convince me a little bit even though I'm showing I'm receptive, playful and have plenty to offer. I like to show him that his life will benefit with me in it. He will look forward to his time with me and his night's home. I'm not going to muddy up his life with drama and headaches or make him dread leaving work and coming home to my negative vibes or nagging.. that is so unsexy and you do have to keep the fire alive. As you may have noticed, I'm pretty keen on dating and even the beginning parts of relationships. I think I need to read more about being able to sustain and not run away or find out why I do that. I've always been good at dating and seem to enjoy a Perpetual courtship in my life. Only the names of the men change over the years. I felt like I could have written this book except I wouldn't have had the credentials that Doctor Cutler has and I wouldn't have enjoyed reading my own material nearly as much as hers.:) Maybe I should write something in regards to courtship though, after I poured my heart out in this review. I didn't expect to.
Anyway, most (I only resist from saying ALL men to be politically correct) have sex on their mind and that is their goal which is why they would hope for it on the first date. The only way he's really going to get to know you and want you and work for your attention is if he gets to enjoy the challenge of pursuing you. If he isn't worthy then you'll be happy you didn't hook up with him yet so u never have to. And if he is worthy, then it's a win-win situation and he will value the fact that you had enough willpower and strength to not just give it up to anyone that tried who u first found slightly attractive. If all he values you for is sex because he hasn't been able to get to know you beyond that.. because really there's probably no sense for the man to go the extra mile if he's already succeeded. If he had to put effort in and was genuine enough to hold out on his own impulses just to spend time with you, that will show you that he is worthy and thinks of you as worthwhile. It will also show that you shouldn't be taken for granted and he will appreciate it that he wasn't "just there" but special enough to be one of your chosen ones after getting to know him. I'm putting this in my own words but it is exactly what Dr Cutler advises. It goes a lot deeper than just this but this is one of the most important jobs of a woman who is looking for something serious such as marriage. Or even a relationship that is not just of a sexual nature. Those of a sexual nature without any further substance are easily replaced when there's any issues or if it gets boring. If you don't offer him anything else or show him your worth by holding back then when the honeymoon stage runs Its course, which can be a couple days or months or whatever, he will not have the desire to fight the temptation of replacing you with the novelty of a new romance/woman.
I find that most books of this nature tend to tell a lot of personal case stories to fill up the pages of a book but Dr Cutler didn't rely on this crutch. She shared some stories that were relevant but not to the point where you feel like you're just reading Fiction with a lot of different characters. All the material is teachings/coaching which makes the book far more fulfilling. I will admit that I felt like some parts were reiterated a bit too much but that is probably necessary for readers that aren't familiar with this material and really need to get it into their heads. I would give this book of 4.5 rating if I could but that isn't an option. She really put her heart and mind into this book and I received it with great pleasure.
It wouldn't be that enjoyable to play Scrabble all the time against my 4 year old niece. As much as I love her.
On the other hand it's not much fun to play against somebody that is impossible to win and no matter how many hundreds of times i play them, they blow me out of the water by hundreds of points. If I could pretty much guarantee that I am going to lose because it's as reliable as the fact that night is going to come again then it seems like it a waste of time to even try. I would just prefer to avoid playing against that impossible person after getting beat down by them consecutively for hundreds and hundreds of games by 100s and hundreds of points.
I imagine that men play this dance when it comes to getting a woman naked.. They do want the challenge unless they're only after that one thing but they want to know that you're attracted to them and that you're not wasting their time either. You really do hope that it leads in that direction. If it didn't you would be disappointed as well. He needs to feel that. The way you can do that is by being flirtatious and honest about your intentions. By letting them know you don't see them as just a friend without hope for furthering your connection into physical and emotional intimacy. I think that's why some really really gorgeous women have trouble getting men for keeps. Everyone's shocked that they have such bad luck in love but maybe they set off that stigma that they think they're just too good for the man. The man can sense this and it shuts him off too. Charisma and chemistry are really important. No matter how gorgeous or smart you are, whether you're a man or a woman, it's going to be hard to spend time with you if you don't have a personality or even smile when we say a joke or seem repulsed when our hands touch ..you're stuck up,boring,unreachable. That is not the playing hard to get game that is advised.
A really insightful woman has the capability to pursue without even being known that she is doing that. When I pursue somebody, I let him pursue me. ;)
If that makes sense.
When I want a man just as badly as he wants me, I always am sure that he doesn't know this. I put him in the position to think he has to convince me a little bit even though I'm showing I'm receptive, playful and have plenty to offer. I like to show him that his life will benefit with me in it. He will look forward to his time with me and his night's home. I'm not going to muddy up his life with drama and headaches or make him dread leaving work and coming home to my negative vibes or nagging.. that is so unsexy and you do have to keep the fire alive. As you may have noticed, I'm pretty keen on dating and even the beginning parts of relationships. I think I need to read more about being able to sustain and not run away or find out why I do that. I've always been good at dating and seem to enjoy a Perpetual courtship in my life. Only the names of the men change over the years. I felt like I could have written this book except I wouldn't have had the credentials that Doctor Cutler has and I wouldn't have enjoyed reading my own material nearly as much as hers.:) Maybe I should write something in regards to courtship though, after I poured my heart out in this review. I didn't expect to.
Anyway, most (I only resist from saying ALL men to be politically correct) have sex on their mind and that is their goal which is why they would hope for it on the first date. The only way he's really going to get to know you and want you and work for your attention is if he gets to enjoy the challenge of pursuing you. If he isn't worthy then you'll be happy you didn't hook up with him yet so u never have to. And if he is worthy, then it's a win-win situation and he will value the fact that you had enough willpower and strength to not just give it up to anyone that tried who u first found slightly attractive. If all he values you for is sex because he hasn't been able to get to know you beyond that.. because really there's probably no sense for the man to go the extra mile if he's already succeeded. If he had to put effort in and was genuine enough to hold out on his own impulses just to spend time with you, that will show you that he is worthy and thinks of you as worthwhile. It will also show that you shouldn't be taken for granted and he will appreciate it that he wasn't "just there" but special enough to be one of your chosen ones after getting to know him. I'm putting this in my own words but it is exactly what Dr Cutler advises. It goes a lot deeper than just this but this is one of the most important jobs of a woman who is looking for something serious such as marriage. Or even a relationship that is not just of a sexual nature. Those of a sexual nature without any further substance are easily replaced when there's any issues or if it gets boring. If you don't offer him anything else or show him your worth by holding back then when the honeymoon stage runs Its course, which can be a couple days or months or whatever, he will not have the desire to fight the temptation of replacing you with the novelty of a new romance/woman.
I find that most books of this nature tend to tell a lot of personal case stories to fill up the pages of a book but Dr Cutler didn't rely on this crutch. She shared some stories that were relevant but not to the point where you feel like you're just reading Fiction with a lot of different characters. All the material is teachings/coaching which makes the book far more fulfilling. I will admit that I felt like some parts were reiterated a bit too much but that is probably necessary for readers that aren't familiar with this material and really need to get it into their heads. I would give this book of 4.5 rating if I could but that isn't an option. She really put her heart and mind into this book and I received it with great pleasure.
April 3, 2012
A friend recommended this as having some practical advice for dating. Published in 1993, it's woefully out of date in some ways (sections on personals and finding social activities could be replaced with links to OK Cupid and Meetup) and it's woefully confused in others. It seems as if it is written for women who have lived in a convent for years and years only to suddenly decide that they need to get married.
Its advice has two strengths - 1) To view the process of dating like the process of looking for a new job: devote some time to it each week (whether it be attending singles events or going on dates or reviewing online profiles) but don't let the process consume you either; and 2) Don't feel so desperate to find anyone that you sacrifice your own needs for the first man who shows an interest.
However, those little bits of value are buried in dry advice that somehow seems outdated even for 1993 and so scattered trying to cover all of the bases that it lacks coherence. Some of the advice is too reminiscent of "The Rules" method of dating. The author encourages the reader to go out and try new activities, but advices the reader to eschew all friendships with men who aren't courting them because a husband will not want his wife to have male friends. She also suggests that women cleave to their biological role as the prey and allow men to pursue them. And then to make sure that you'd never have to find information elsewhere, there was a chapter on using condoms, complete with diagrams of how to put them on and a chapter on writing prenup agreements, complete with sample text.
Overall, this book isn't going to greatly change the way I approach dating. I was just left scratching my head and feeling like this really wasn't written for smart women.
Its advice has two strengths - 1) To view the process of dating like the process of looking for a new job: devote some time to it each week (whether it be attending singles events or going on dates or reviewing online profiles) but don't let the process consume you either; and 2) Don't feel so desperate to find anyone that you sacrifice your own needs for the first man who shows an interest.
However, those little bits of value are buried in dry advice that somehow seems outdated even for 1993 and so scattered trying to cover all of the bases that it lacks coherence. Some of the advice is too reminiscent of "The Rules" method of dating. The author encourages the reader to go out and try new activities, but advices the reader to eschew all friendships with men who aren't courting them because a husband will not want his wife to have male friends. She also suggests that women cleave to their biological role as the prey and allow men to pursue them. And then to make sure that you'd never have to find information elsewhere, there was a chapter on using condoms, complete with diagrams of how to put them on and a chapter on writing prenup agreements, complete with sample text.
Overall, this book isn't going to greatly change the way I approach dating. I was just left scratching my head and feeling like this really wasn't written for smart women.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews