Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair

by David Trotter

After 10 years as a pastor, David was burned out and stuck in a life and marriage that lacked passion. His desire for an intimate partnership led him to leave his mistress of 'ministry' and run into the arms of a real-life mistress - his wife's best friend. After moving in with one another and spending forty days together, the woman abruptly left to go back to her husband and four kids, and David's life hit rock bottom. This first-hand account of what led to his burnout and life implosion takes the reader on a raw and intimate journey...from illicit affair to hospitalization and ultimately to reconciliation with his wife and family. This is a powerful story of redemption that will leave the reader both challenged and inspired.

268 pages, Paperback

First published July 22, 2010

About the author

David Trotter is passionate about helping people awaken to the rich, meaningful life that is available to everyone. With over 10 years of non-profit leadership experience, he now speaks and writes on the topics of motivation, spirituality, and marriage. He also consults businesses in the areas of brand development and marketing communications (www.8trackstudios.com).

He lives with his wife (Laura) and two children (Waverly and Emerson) in southern California.

Reviews

[Andrea Love · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book made me angry. As I read it, all I could think about was how it represented the flaws and problems of current American society: narcissism, excessive acquisition and consumerism, taking the easy way out rather than making the correct (but more difficult) decisions, and sacrificing your morals and integrity in order to get attention on a grand scale (like reality tv shows), and thereby encouraging impressionable others (children) to behave inappropriately. Although the author admits on an intellectual level that he was wrong to act in a way that destroyed his life, as well as his entire family and congregation, these admissions are made in an almost light-hearted manner and I was not convinced that he had accepted his mistakes on a core-emotional level. A sentiment from the book that is representative of the author's account of his experience is that a person can't change their negative qualities so they should build their positive qualities instead. Although this approach seems practical, it is certainly not a 'get out of jail' card to excuse the rotten things that people repeatedly do, and should not be used to justify the toxic impact that someone's negative qualities have on others. Do I believe the author is sorry for what he did? Yes, I believe that he is sorry (for himself) that he made a decision with a disastrous outcome that was couched in divine guidance. I believe he is sorry (for himself) that his inability to form solid relationships with his family, friends, parishioners, and potential or prior business partners before the affair led to a total destruction of his support base. I believe he is sorry (for himself) that he didn't compulsively plan out his exit and had to reduce his comfort and standard of living because he had little in marketable skills and no solid business relationships to draw from. Essentially, I believe he feels sorry that he screwed up, got caught, and lost the life he had, and there was no one to blame but himself. The author and his wife both took the easy path without appearing to have learned anything in the process: Laura caved on her stance about the massive credit card bill he was able to amass in just a few months, and later caved into Dave's desire to have a high-end car. It was her lack of assertiveness in the marriage that jeopardized her emotional and physical health as well as the partnership. Dave shifted his manic energy and drive to his marriage and his children, and is drawing sustenance for his narcissism through the new church group he started, in addition to publicity surrounding this book and marketing himself as a visionary. If the author has truly experienced remorse to the degree which the situation warrants, it is not expressed through this book.

[Jennifer Defoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won a copy of this book for review.

This was a really good book. I can only imagine the hurt that writing this book brought back to Trotter. But I have to say he did a great job.

I always find it hard to review books written about actual events and/or people. To me the people in the stories are just characters while I'm reading, even though I know that they are real people and that these things really happened to them. I want to say that these were great characters, they seemed so real, because they are real. This was so emotional, there were the highs and lows. My heart truly ached for David as he tries to put his life back together, only to have it smashed to pieces again.

The story was so emotional, I'm actually surprised I didn't cry through the entire book. David's breakdown was so raw, being able to describe what he was going through to someone who was not there is no small feat. I was able to understand what was going on in his head and how he rationalized his decisions. Having been in a similar place in my life before I guess I have a better understanding of what he was going through. Had I not been in a similar situation before would I have understood as much? I would say yes, I think you have to go into this story with an open mind. If you look at it as he had an affair and that makes him a horrible person I don't think you will enjoy this book at all.

What I really liked about it is that I didn't get the sense that he was leaving anything out. He threw everything onto the table and really explained what was going on in what had to be the darkest time of his life. I can't say that there is ever a good reason to have an affair, and I think this book really shows the dark side of affairs. Movies tend to sensationalize affairs and this is a real look at the damage that is done to all parties involved.

[Eclectic Review · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is an autobiography about a pastor of a substantial California ministry who realizes while he is on a mission in India, that he is unhappy with his family life and has an affair with one of his parishioners. Then after he returns from India he faces the wrath of many while he destroys the lives of his family and of his mistress’s family. The mistress then decides to go back to her family while he slides into a mental breakdown. But, no, it’s not over. He decides to go back to his wife, “Laura is an incredible woman, and I am choosing to deeply love her.” Choosing? Seriously? He blew his choices. She was choosing him. Oh, and the kicker, when he returns to his family he goes out and buys a Mercedes after he has racked up a whopping $33,000 credit card bill in just a few months and he has no income to pay for it.

David Trotter bashes his job, his wife and his kids throughout most of this book, giving us a long drawn out description about his affair, and then not giving us anything about his wife’s side of the story. Does the author deserve some praise for baring it all? Does one really see much remorse from him? Has he really changed? Only time will tell.

From the back cover: David Trotter is a creative communicator with over 10 years of experience leading non-profit organizations. He now invests his time writing and speaking on the subjects of life motivation, marriage, and spirituality as well as consulting businesses and organizations on marketing communications. He has a blog at http://www.davidtrotter.tv/ with a section on “Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Wife”. It’s everyone’s guess as to whether it is supposed to encourage someone to leave or stay. Odd. Very odd.

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a honest look at what let up to his starting an affair and his way back to healthy choices. I dont think I could be that honest about my faults and how I changed my ways. and to ask forgiveness of everybody. Laura Thank you for letting us see how you made it through and the choices you made. Its a emotional book. also shows how the good we can do for others and help them and not turn away because its uncomfortable to be around you. thanks for giving me the book for a honest review. good luck in the future to david and laura.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I loved seeing the transformation that the author went through. I like many people thought he was an ass for the way he went about leaving his wife in the beginning...But I was so happy that he and his wife got back together in the end.