From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Sons And Students In The Ways Of Kedushah

by Dr. Shloimie Zimmerman

Finally! A book that integrates the Torah’s wisdom and cutting-edge psychological research to provide a comprehensive approach to educating and supporting our sons and students regarding: health and safety, puberty, marital intimacy, and today’s challenges to kedushah .

183 pages, Hardcover

Published September 28, 2022

Reviews

[A. Housewife]

The scripts to speak to your child (and age guidelines) are excellent. This is written for ultra Orthodox and that is not me. I have chosen to take a somewhat different direction with my sons. However, considering that I think the author is somewhat hamstrung by the deep reluctance and repression and shame in ultra Orthodox community, many of the messages he gives are very important and will make a huge positive difference. He quotes many, many frum sources about not feeling horrible shame. The appendix on child abuse prevention is pretty thorough (even though he says it's not a standalone). [The 1st bullet point in "defining sexual abuse" needs a semicolon. That's a peeve of mine. The actual bullet point is extremely important information.].

Here are the parts I liked. (The parts I don't like are probably due mostly to me not being ultra orthodox so I will refrain from commenting as I'm not the target audience):
I appreciate how he is pro speaking frankly to children and in a timely manner.
I appreciate how he explains how important it is to be loving, not freak out, not blame, and convey that you will love your child no matter what.
I appreciate that he makes a a point of differentiating between halacha and clinically problematic pornography use/masturbation.
I appreciate that he takes an approach of putting it in the same category as working on bitul Torah, with that amount of cathexis. And that paying more intense attention to it (especially if you are not clinically trained) heightens the probability of it becoming unnecessarily shameful, which is counter-productive purely in a practical sense (leaving aside mental health damage, which it also does).
I appreciate that he cites the research that says that people from religions who feel moral shame about their masturbation tend to think their amount of masturbation is problematic when that amount is not actually clinically problematic.
I appreciate that he notes (and I was actually shocked by the statistics) that the frum world has a higher rate than the secular world of children abused by other children under 18. "Generally, such abuse accounts for *over* 50% of sexual abuse in our communities (47% of females and a staggering 61% of males are abused either by siblings or non-family members under the age of eighteen)."
I really enjoyed his side by side comparison chart of Torah true values vs. Illusions and falsehoods. It's a nice approach to "present a true and balanced perspective" and to acknowledge the many benefits found in the modern world: good people with strong values, wisdom, education, medicine, goods. And to also be clear about Torah values and how they are different and let them speak for themselves.

This did get me to have a good conversation with one of my teens and I hope I will have more and also be able to talk to my other teens about it. This even though I still find it a little too stifling from the modern orthodox perspective. This is really going out on a limb for the ultra Orthodox community and I applaud Dr. Zimmerman's courage and clarity and the more he can help reduce shame and anguish and normalize discussing it, the less unnecessary suffering there can be.