Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times

by Margaret Nelson

They go by many helicopter parents, hovercrafts, PFHs (Parents from Hell). The news media is filled with stories of well-intentioned parents going to ridiculous extremes to remove all obstacles from their child’s path to greatness . . . or at least to an ivy league school. From cradle to college, they remain intimately enmeshed in their children’s lives, stifling their development and creating infantilized, spoiled, immature adults unprepared to make the decisions necessary for the real world. Or so the story goes.
Drawing on a wealth of eye-opening interviews with parents across the country, Margaret K. Nelson cuts through the stereotypes and hyperbole to examine the realities of what she terms “parenting out of control.” Situating this phenomenon within a broad sociological context, she finds several striking explanations for why today’s prosperous and well-educated parents are unable to set realistic boundaries when it comes to raising their children. Analyzing the goals and aspirations parents have for their children as well as the strategies they use to reach them, Nelson discovers fundamental differences among American parenting styles that expose class fault lines, both within the elite and between the elite and the middle and working classes.
Nelson goes on to explore the new ways technology shapes modern parenting. From baby monitors to cell phones (often referred to as the world’s longest umbilical cord), to social networking sites, and even GPS devices, parents have more tools at their disposal than ever before to communicate with, supervise, and even spy on their children. These play important and often surprising roles in the phenomenon of parenting out of control. Yet the technologies parents choose, and those they refuse to use, often seem counterintuitive. Nelson shows that these choices make sense when viewed in the light of class expectations.
Today’s parents are faced with unprecedented opportunities and dangers for their children, and are evolving novel strategies to adapt to these changes. Nelson’s lucid and insightful work provides an authoritative examination of what happens when these new strategies go too far.

Genres: Parenting

276 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 2010

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Contains astute commentary on the impact of social class on parenting, however the author's overall approach seems highly biased and also strangely unaware of other cultural lenses through which she could view certain behaviors. I do not disagree with her premise that the phenomenon of helicopter parenting is out of control, but the examples she uses seem to be starting from a personal or cultural perspective she does not question which limits the value of her observations. For example, she seems to hold the use of baby monitors up for ridicule as an example of "out of control" parenting starting in infancy. Someone approaching this from an anthropological perspective could see it quite differently: the human cultural norm is to keep infants physically close to their mothers or other caregivers both day and night, which is in keeping with babies' biological design. Use of infant monitors could therefore be seen as an unconscious effort by some Western parents to use technology to help counteract prevailing notions of "proper" childrearing that are fundamentally in violation of their natural impulses.

[Jennifer Triplett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating take on modern parenting, particularly the parent-child friendship patterns that seem more frequent in many parenting approaches. The book is definitely more of an academic take than a parenting advice book, but that is up my alley. Some sampling issues certainly and a lack of generalizability, but the book finds some interesting class patterns, including an increased tendency for working class families to use parental monitoring devices (GPS tracking, computer software to limit children's internet access, etc) while middle to upper class families are more likely to rely on their "close and trusting" relationships with their kids to prevent problems. There's also some interesting speculation on why parents are so much more likely to want to have close, friend-like relationships with their children, including increasing social isolation in American society and the volatility of modern marriages (people basically invest in their parent-child relationship because of the failure of so many other types of relationships). If you are interested in Sociology or Family Studies, it's a good read.

[Caro · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of many interesting observations:

P. 46 All parents want their children to be decent human beings and to be happy in their life choices. The professional middle-class parents also want their children to be passionate, confident, and prepared to take advantage of opportunities that might shift and change with the times. The task of creating such children might feel like a particularly unknown and unknowable one. That is, if the professional middle-class parents know from the activities of their parents what it takes to produce successful children en route to being a doctor or a corporate executive, and if they do intervene in their children's daily and educational activities to ensure that success, they may not know what they need to do to ensure these complex, existential goals of self-confidence, passion, and flexibility.

[Watson Xuan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book distinguishes between professional middle-class parents, other middle-class parents, and working-class parents, suggesting the internal heterogeneity of the middle class. The author introduces the notion of inclusive control and supplement the discussion on technical aspects to enrich the analysis. Nevertheless, by the end, the findings feel somewhat insufficient. When sociologists formalize complex social processes through a particular analytical lens, the real-life heterogeneity often gets flattened out. That said, I recognize the challenge of balancing the demands of academic writing with the overwhelming complexity of lived reality.

[Karla · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is very research-oriented and gives different thoughts on how to parents with options. It discusses technology and the connectivity / invasiveness that is attributed with parents & their children. Applicable to administrators & parents who have children from 0-21.

[Catherine Siemann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Focuses largely on social class differences in parenting; not exactly what I expected, but makes sense from my experience as an educator.

[Christopher · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too academic.