Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids

by Wendy S. Grolnick, Kathy Seal

It begins harmlessly. Parents chatting on the playground compare their babies' first "Has Erin started talking? Addy's already using five-word sentences!" Inevitably, Erin's mom and dad feel anxious. Later, as report cards, standardized tests, tryouts, playoffs, auditions and social cliques fill their child's world, parents' anxiety intensifies. The older kids get, the more competition they face, whether in sports, academics or the arts. Hovering in the background is the race for admission to a top-tier college. To help panicky parents deal with the torrential emotions stirred up by our competitive society, and to give them scientific knowledge about their children's growing years, leading child researcher Wendy Grolnick and educational and parenting journalist Kathy Seal offer this illuminating and accessible guide to channeling competitive anxiety into positive parenting. While evolution has given parents a genetic predisposition toward this protective anxiety whenever their children face today's heightened competition, the authors guide parents to avoid pushing and pressuring, turning their fear instead into calm guidance. Distilling the results of thirty years of research in child psychology, the authors focus on three essential feelings―autonomy, competence, and connectedness―which parents can foster in their children to maximize the child's chances of success and minimize family conflict. They explain that granting kids autonomy lets them feel that they can solve their own problems and are responsible for their own actions. At the same time, providing structure gives kids the guidelines, information, limits, and consequences that they need to act in the world, instilling them with a feeling of competence. Finally, support from adults in the form of time and other resources provides children with a necessary feeling of connection and helps them internalize the ideas and values of their caring parents. Reassuring and empathic, Grolnick and Seal show parents how to avoid the burn-out―in both parents and children―that afflicts so many in our highly competitive society, while raising children who thrive and excel.

Genres: Parenting

292 pages, Paperback

First published January 31, 2008

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book because I often feel anxious about raising kids to be successful. For me the most helpful parts of the book were about grown children talking about what made extracurricular activities fun for them. The biggest thing is that parents need to not put unnecessary pressure on their kids and remember the reason for playing a sport is for fun and learning, not because they are going to make them professional stars at age 5. The book was a little long with some obvious bits of wisdom but there were some good reminders to let kids be kids and enjoy.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I almost didn't check this book out because I thought, "Gee, Mary, haven't you had enough self-congratulation through reading journalistic finger-wagging books about how parents are pressuring their kids too much?" Then I said, "Well, I can always return it if I don't like it after a couple of pages."

I'm glad I didn't. First off, this book is a lot more science-y (social science-y, at least) than most of the other books in the genre. Grolnick is actually a researcher and she draws on a lot of solid research rather than just eye-rolling anecdotes.

Also, this book talks a lot more about the psychological impact on the parents of hyper-involved kids. Instead of just saying, "you're screwing up your kids with this arms race," she talks about the way that the parents themselves can suffer. It's nice to not blame and be more generous to the parents themselves.

Finally, this book is still about "Raising a Successful Child"--at first I thought the subtitle was just a concession to get the right kind of readers to buy the book, but it is accommodating of parents who do want to plan, who want their kids to accomplish big things, who want something more than mediocrity. It was a nice corrective to the Brian Caplan "it's all genetic, so don't sweat it" philosophy to hear about prioritizing, rather than just eliminating, involvement in things like sports and competitions. She makes practical suggestions, like encouraging kids to see feedback from music competitions as just that--feedback--rather than a personal evaluation, and talks through scenarios that parents might find themselves in while talking with other parents.

[KK · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book since I have two elementary school aged kids and often I feel pressure or anxiety about their performances in sports, school, etc. I struggle with taking things too seriously and feeling very competitive about their outcomes, compared to other kids and things like that. I recognize this is probably not a good thing- haha!- so I decided to read a book on the topic.

I thought it was a pretty interesting read. I felt it was rather disorganized sometimes- the sections often go from one topic to another right in the same chapter with no apparent link between the prior and the latter. But I just ignored that and focused on what it had to say.

I liked that it basically openly addressed a topic I think many, many parents today probably struggle with but are embarrassed or unable to talk about. I found that refreshing. It has many good stories about families which was a nice balance to the more research and science based side of it. There were summaries of many very interesting social science research studies that were quite eye opening regarding motivation and kids’ performances when pressured vs intrinsically motivated.

All in all, I thought it was a pretty good book and gave me some advice to mull over.

[Jeremy Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a child psychologist and a review copy was sent to Greater Good magazine, where I work. I ignored it until we started looking for San Francisco kindergartens for my son--a freaky, anxiety-inducing process that, in retrospect, told me quite a bit more about myself than the San Francisco school system. As I write, I'm half way through. So far, mostly so good. Grolnick and Seal keep things practical and intelligent. Their perspective is very mom-centric--there is a strong underlying assumption that dads just aren't as concerned for their child's well-being, social standing, and future as moms. If you can look past that, I strongly recommend this book to parents who feel oppressed by our society's accelerated rat-race mentality.

[angelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

The authors do a great job focusing on three essential feelings--autonomy, competence, and connectedness--which parents can "foster in their children to maximize the child's chances of success and minimize family conflict." This is a marvelous resource book and I can see that it would be a worthwhile addition to a parent's book shelf. Because it was published in 2008, it is current with such topics as competition in today's world, rage, gifted and talented programs, community involvement, setting limits, over scheduling, pressures put on parents, danger in neighborhoods, and why children go crazy over video games. I liked the style of writing which includes case studies and examples.

[Anoopa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful tips at the end for not getting lost in the activity/college application process.