Sticks and Stones: 7 Ways Your Child Can Deal with Teasing, Conflict, and Other Hard Times

by Scott Cooper

Sticks and Stones helps parents teach kids how to speak up for themselves more assertively, gently, and effectively. Each chapter, based on the characteristics of a particular bird, uses a wealth of examples and imaginative exercises to give kids the confidence to speak truth to power.

This unique guide, beautifully illustrated with line drawings of each bird and informed by the author's gentle humor, will help kids be effective communicators and includes easy-to-follow exercises and sample scripts. Examples
Shut down bullies (The Way of the Blue Jay)
Overcome shyness (The Way of the Black Bird)
Counter peer pressure (The Way of the Hummingbird)
Resolve fights (The Way of the Dove)
Accept blame (The Way of the Crow)
And more

Genres: Parenting

208 pages, Paperback

First published February 29, 2000

About the author

Scott Cooper is a principal and CFO of an international planning and design firm and a member of the local school board. He has been a teacher, basketball coach, scout leader, and Boys' and Girls' club volunteer. He lives in California with his wife and three children.

Reviews

[Tanya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the specific scripts somewhat helpful in healing to guide discussions of how children can learn to deal with teasing, name-calling, and conflict. We haven't tried the techniques to know if they're effective yet in dealing with the taunts and criticism that our kids sometimes experience.

The chapters use bird analogies to help remember various characteristics and tools to help manage a situation and give a child confidence to deal with it assertively and effectively.

1) Way of the Blue Jay - resist peer pressure through assertive self-expression
Includes using "I statements" which the author calls the "Power I" technique - be simple & direct while telling others what you want.
ex: I want you to stop doing that, I want you to leave me alone, I don't like that.
Another technique is saying, "no thanks" when others ask them to do things they don't want to do or know aren't good to do - and they do not need to follow it up with an explanation.
The third technique is to ask people what you want (usually information) - this helps to make reasonable choices instead of following along with an action reflexively
ex: what do you mean? how do you know that? Why would that be true?
The fourth technique is to be a squeaky wheel or persistent so others can't just give them a brush-off.
Basically, the child is either repeating his/her Power I statement or No Thanks statement until the other person gets the message and understands that the child is not giving in.

2) Way of the Crow - accept blame intelligently and calmly
Technique: Mea Culpa, followed by an apology - a simple admission, "You're right, I did do that" or "that was my fault, I shouldn't have done that." However, don't let children just make mistakes and not learn from their behavior and weasel out of responsibility - move onto corrective assistance if needed.
Technique: Mighty Might (a verbal deflective technique against "you should have..." - respond with "you might be right" or "you could be right" or "maybe" or "possibly" repeatedly until the other person stops the condemning speech (i.e. blame or teasing). May also strategically use, "why?" or "why not?" Use this technique in conjunction with squeaky wheel.
Technique: Sorry Charlie - the reverse of Mea Culpa, "You're wrong. I didn't do that." expressed matter-of-factly. "That's not correct." Obviously, the child cannot be lying if this technique is used.

3) Way of the Hummingbird - shut down bullies and respond to teasing
Technique: Power I and Mighty Might (already described) Can also respond, "because I want to."
Technique: The Shrug - "I don't care" or "So what" and then walk away after looking bored.
Technique: The Reverse Tease - use sarcastic humor "oh, thank you very much" or "you're so kind" - the point is to be humorous and exaggerated in the response
Technique: The Disappearing Act - the less said, the better, just leave & go somewhere safe.

4) Way of the Dove - resolve conflicts peacefully
Technique: Solution time
a) each child sits
b) only one person speaks at a time
c) each side full explains his/her side of the conflict (especially FEELINGS) without interruption
d) each side comes up with at least one possible solution, if they don't the other side automatically prevails
e) parents help parties to generate solution options
f) if no solution consensus, then agree on best way to make the decision without agreement (ex coin flip)
g) if this fails, parent acts as judge of most fair solution
h) consequence must be agreed upon if either party does not live up to his/her part of the solution
Technique: Coin toss - use to solve a simple problem quickly
Technique: Cone of Silence - A time-out of sorts when the children are not allowed to speak to each other or be together until they have cooled off.
Technique: Time together sitting near the parent - in place of a time out - may be more constructive than isolation. It's like "rehab" instead of "solitary confinement."

5) Way of the Blackbird - overcome shyness
Expand the child's comfort zone in situations where they need or want to have friendly social conversations.
Technique: Sherlock Holmes - Find out about another person, "What do you think...?" or "What's your opinion about...?"
Then listen to deeply understand and ask some follow-up questions.
Technqiue: True Confessions - a complementary tool to Sherlock Holmes - open up to others about how you feel and think so others will be more open with you.
Technique: Kind Talk - seek cooperation and don't be bossy; use please and thank you often.

6) Way of the Owl- talk back to self-defeating thoughts
Owls are wise, observant, perceptive and calm. Next to love, the most important legacy we can leave our children is to help them develop beliefs and thinking habits that can help them to be happy and beneificial adults.
Technique: But Twist - an internal verbal technique to respond to a negative "I can't" thought and deal with any thoughts and feelings of helplessness. Example: I don't feel like it, but the sooner I do it, the quicker it will be over. It's not fun to do X, but it's better than doing Y and Z.
Technique: Solution Time 2 (for problem-solving) - develop a greater sense of self-efficacy and personal resilience. Turn the focus of a problem into energy spent on creating solutions rather than focusing on the problems.
a) Figure out the purpose, what needs to be accomplished?
b) Generate solution options
c) Weight advantages & disadvantages of each option
4) Select and implement an option
Technique: Thought Chop - a verbal counterblow to unreasonable internal dialogs that are creating unhappiness. Mistakes and bad events happen to everybody, remember they don't last foreever and they don't have to affect other good parts of your life.

7) Way of the Hawk - live more mindfully
Hawks pay attention and are dignified, powerful and calm. It can be hard for children to have patience to pay attention calmly, but help them learn to be focused and relaxed in the present. Be non-judgmental.
Mindful practices: Mindful eating (especially together), balloon belly - focus on deep breathing, Sky Watching - pay attention to the overlooked, The Rock - practice doing an activity with allowing oneself to become distracted, Mindful Chores - generates patience, acceptance and non-judgment

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

My littlest is very thin-skinned and takes conflict and criticism right to her heart. This book is a wonderful tool for me to teach her how to handle teasing, conflict, advocate for herself, and more. She will always be sensitive, but with these skills she will be able to handle herself better.

I also learned some techniques for my older daughter, who jumps to conclusions and has an "I can't do it" mantra she sings at most of life's challenges.

I also learned some things about myself.

With each new technique, the author gives us tips for introducing the topic to our kids and lists a dozen or so examples of role-playing scripts for us to use when practicing the techniques with our kids. To my surprise, my girls liked the challenge of coming up with responses and when we ran out of examples sometimes asked for more.

This book is short and easy to read and digest. It is made for busy parents, by a busy parent.

Wonderful book.

[Cherise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Conflict is everywhere. When it comes to arguing, fighting, or bullying, there is always some form of conflict going on between people. However, even though it exists, there are many ways that it can be avoided. In the book called Sticks and Stones: 7 ways Your Child Can Deal with Teasing, Conflict, and Other Hard Times, author Scott Cooper describes seven different ways in order to solve the many conflicts in life.
The book breaks down seven different solutions to conflicts through the different analogies of birds ranging from the Blue Jay “Assertive Self-Expression” to the Owl “Responding the Self Defeating Thoughts.” The book is intended for parents and children only and it breaks down simple strategies for them to resolve conflict together but it can easily be applied to everyone.
I feel like this book taught me some new ways on how to avoid conflict in my everyday life mainly through the way of the Owl (Wisdom and Perspective). I tend to overthink everything ranging from my relationships with working with the youth (High school children) to being there for my family (I am the oldest and I help take care of both of my siblings) at home. There are some days that I am so exhausted from work that I don’t want to deal with people and I tend to get very frustrated and complain without fully expressing how I really feel.
When I read this chapter in the book, it changed my perspective a bit and told me some simple ways on how to resolve inner conflict without being too hard on myself. It simply stated facts like keep your mouth shut when tensions arises and always solve issues in a peaceful manner. Owls are peaceful creatures who are full of wisdom.
The chapter mainly describes this by telling the parent how to help the child resolve inner conflicts in a peaceful way in a strategy called “Solution Time” which is a timeout used for coming up with ideas to solve problems and build confidence. I feel like everyone should have a “solution time” because even as adults, we have conflicts too and we need to work them out in a calming matter. If we did, then life would be a little easier then if there is any tension going on.
Sticks and Stones is a great read because it simply tells one how to solve issues in every day life. I enjoyed this book because it was a very simple read that also tells how to improve your relationships while avoiding conflicts with difficult people in the long run. It is a good read and I think that everyone should read it because it will help to make life a little easier in terms of conflict resolution.