The Dance-away lover: And other roles we play in love, sex, and marriage

by Daniel Goldstine, Katherine Larner, Shirley Zuckerman

psychology, relationships

251 pages, Hardcover

Published January 1, 1977

Reviews

[Will]

A wonderful, very helpful book! The first part discusses the roles we play in just about any relationships, in addition to the ones mentioned in the book subtitle. The authors give very helpful and caring suggestions at the end of each "role". This is all in the first half of the book; the second half discusses the three stages of a relationship. The first is the "honeymoon" stage, where the partner is perceived as perfect--even any perceived imperfections are "cute" or are viewed with tolerant amusement. The second stage is shown in the book as the decay, withering, twisting of the partners' attributes---nothing is right, and here is where most marital divorces occur. The third stage is where the partners struggle through the difficulties presented by part two, to a newer and stronger relationship. As I said before, the authors show much care for their patients and for the reader, and I find the book truly heartwarming, even poring over it many years later.

[ava]

I was very embarrassed to be reading this and kept chucking it under the couch of the person I was visiting, on whose bookshelf I'd found it. Ugh. The prototypes of each 'role'-- the Ingenue, the Ragabash, the Fragile, the Disarmer, etc-- were as codified and presumptuous as astrological charts. Also, the author deluges the texts with constant quoted wisdom from a 60s-centric pantheon: Plath, cummings, Rilke, basically everything on my ma's bookshelves. Every page has at least one source-credit footnote. This wouldn't be annoying, might even be gemlike, except often it's just two or three words or a single line that could have been stated easily without invoking the poets. As far as this kind of relationship self-help mush goes, "Getting the Love You Want" (or whatever the hell it's called?) is vastly more insightful and pragmatic.

[Laura]

I had to read this because my mom gave it to my dad just before he left her. Not quite in time. I find it significant that he kept (and maybe even read) it. Very 70s. I apparently know a lot of 70s people because I have seen a lot of these patterns evolve in relationships. I especially appreciated the authors' insights into the inevitability of the difficulties of what they call Stage 2, the setting in of reality after the first blush of infatuation is over. I'm not sure they make the case for the survivability or the rewards of making it through but I enjoyed their message that there's no way to get there without doing the hard work.

[Elaine]

I read this book because the authors, Daniel and Hillary Goldstine are counseling a friend through a very difficult divorce. The Goldstines are both therapists, been married for over 40 years, live and work in Berkley, California and firmly believe that couples are better off staying married and working through their issues. I have met and had dinner with them, so wanted to read this book. It was a quick and interesting read!