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Returns of Love: A Christian View of Homosexuality
Book by Davidson, Alex
Paperback
First published January 1, 1977
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March 27, 2021
Published in Great Britain the year after Stonewall Riots, The Returns of Love was by all accounts groundbreaking: a Christian homosexual man writing under his own name, rejecting both the sexual prosperity gospel of what would later develop into the ex-gay movement and the progressive sexual ethics of the gay liberation movement. I found this book at a library book sale for a couple dollars, and once I flipped through it and looked at the publishing date, I realized that I had struck gold: here was a genuine example of what could be called "proto-Side B" thought.
Full disclosure: I am quite sympathetic to Alex Davidson's perspective, because it is so similar to my own. I am also a gay man who submits to the historic Christian teaching on same-sex sexual behavior, and who is therefore pursuing lifelong celibacy. But though I fundamentally agree on some of the major points and find Davidson winsome and articulate, I was overwhelmed by how dark The Returns of Love ended up being. Davidson views his sexuality--the "homosexual condition"--almost exclusively through the lens of chronic illness or disability, and almost categorically denies the idea that there may be aspects of that condition which are flowers, not thorns.
I will likely return to this book again and again, because it is well-written and historically important. But I am definitely glad we have evolved beyond his perspective in the years since!
Full disclosure: I am quite sympathetic to Alex Davidson's perspective, because it is so similar to my own. I am also a gay man who submits to the historic Christian teaching on same-sex sexual behavior, and who is therefore pursuing lifelong celibacy. But though I fundamentally agree on some of the major points and find Davidson winsome and articulate, I was overwhelmed by how dark The Returns of Love ended up being. Davidson views his sexuality--the "homosexual condition"--almost exclusively through the lens of chronic illness or disability, and almost categorically denies the idea that there may be aspects of that condition which are flowers, not thorns.
I will likely return to this book again and again, because it is well-written and historically important. But I am definitely glad we have evolved beyond his perspective in the years since!
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July 20, 2021Overall thoughts:
A star rating seems irrelevant to a book like this one; I read it, it read me, it's writing of a most intimate sort--exceedingly vulnerable, and spiritually rich.
This epistolary memoir chronicles one man's journey toward better understanding what he calls his "homosexual condition," and whoo boy, what a journey it is. Certainly some of the language and psychology foundational to Davidson's* understanding of homosexuality has changed since he published in 1970. Even recognizing the difference in terms we might use or our different assumptions about the origins of same-sex attraction, I found large swaths of Davidson's reflections deeply compelling. He represents what Grant called in his review "proto-Side B thought," which is actually quite fascinating to read if you're in on those Christian conversations about sexuality. Regardless of how it has aged, so many of Davidson's insights are rich in wisdom, and it's totally worth reading the whole book just for his postscript. I wanted to devour it in one sitting.
*Sadly, or perhaps not sadly, a pseudonym. I wish I knew what happened to him.
Lingering Uncertainties:
I'm not sure what to do, quite, with Davidson's equation of queer orientation (my words, not his) with chronic illness or physical disability. Still pondering away on that one. Sometimes the metaphor seems to get some mileage, but other times I wonder whether it does a disservice to both groups.
I am left at the end of this beautiful little book wondering yet again about the purposes, limits, and best practices of Christian friendship. (And I *still* haven't finished Wes Hill's book on it . . . oops. Or Aelred of Rievaulx's. Sigh.).
Selected Quotations:
"Thirdly, it [this book] aims to be *biblical*, and in this respect it should prove to be more generally applicable than if it were merely an account of personal experience. The part of the jungle where I am lost may be miles away from the part where you are lost, but the same map and compass can help us both. That map and compass I take to be the Word of God, both Christ the living Word and Scripture the written Word. Why do people who are otherwise thoughtful and sincere find it so easy to break the third commandment? They take the name of the Lord, and call themselves 'Christians'; yet they take it in vain, by emptying it of what is necessarily contained within it. The only Christ I can accept is not the tenth-hand Christ of the popular imagination, but the first-hand Christ of the New Testament, and once I admit Him I find I have to admit a whole range of teaching which is inseparable from Him--not only His own as reported in the Gospels, but that of the prophets whom He upheld and ratified, and that of the apostles whom he taught and commissioned: in other words, biblical revelation as a whole. It is on the principles the Bible lays down that I try to base my belief and behaviour in general, and therefore my attitude to the matter discussed in this book in particular" (11).
"Still the struggle goes on, so that at times when emotion is uppermost I complain bitterly about the cruel Providence which is subjecting me to this incessant tension between law and lust. But when reason takes charge, I realize how much my experience has taught me, and is still teaching me, about trust in a God who is all love, and who yet for His own very good reasons has seen fit to allow deformity, pain, and hardship to continue in this world until the day of the restoration of all things" (12).
"There is, of course, a true love between us, the love which is a hallmark of the Christian brotherhood (I John 3:14), and in virtue of which Peter cares for me as deeply as I care for him; but the other kind of love, the grand romantic passion, is all one way. It reaches out from me to Peter, and is not returned. And yet in the goodness of God there *are* returns: 'the pay is certain one way or another'. I am not repaid with the sexual liaison which my flesh desires, but I am repaid with a gift far more precious, a new lesson about divine providence and mercy, and 'out of that I have written these songs'. For unrequited love is a form of suffering, and all suffering when invested wisely brings returns. 'God has promised to heal my body. . . . He hasn't told me if it'll be in this life or after the resurrection from the dead. He's promised me that I'll have a perfect body without any pain then. He could heal me today if He wanted to. But I can see why He hasn't done so far. There's people I can help and talk to that you couldn't'" (12).
"There's practical comfort also, I find, in the particular matter I was theorizing about last, the doctrines of objective morality and human responsibility. They are singularly comfortless if you sum them up as 'God says: (1) there are certain things you mustn't do; (2) I hold you responsible if you do them.' But they can be put in a very different way. God is Law, and He sets His standards fearsomely high; but He is also Love, and in Christ He gives grace and help so abundant that it is no-one's fault but our own if we fail to measure up to those standards. Law and Love seem to move in opposite directions, but to such lengths do they both go that eventually they meet again on the other side of the globe. Because God's reach encompasses the whole world of morality, however far His law requires me to go His love will be there to enable me. In the words of the old hymn, 'the trysting place where heaven's love and heaven's justice meet' is the cross of Christ, but by the same token they also meet in the sinner who has been crucified with Christ; in him too the infinite demands of righteousness are fulfilled by the infinite resources of mercy. So when the pain is hurting almost uncontrollably, we can at least cling to the knowledge that it is never in fact out of His control" (47).
"[Abraham] had been born and brought up in one city, and was looking forward to finding his eventual home in another, and he must sometimes have felt that life in tents was exceedingly uncomfortable. But faith in the promise made the discomfort bearable. So in the light of the next world I see that the torments which make me rebel, because God won't explain them, are mere details in the grand purpose which He *has* explained, the bringing of yet another son to glory along the same path by which the eldest Son went, the path of maturity through suffering" (51).
"Isn't it one of the most wretched things about this condition that when you look ahead the same impossible road seems to continue indefinitely? You're driven to rebellion when you think of there being no point in it, and to despair when you think of there being no limit to it. That's why I find it a comfort, when I feel desperate, or rebellious, or both, to remind myself of God's promise that one day it will be finished--finished in both senses: He will put a stop to the troubles of this life, and He will at the same time complete what He has been doing by means of them. They are neither endless nor pointless" (51).
"I can't imagine what wonderful thing He intends to make out of this particular weakness, nor what audience is going to applaud the display of His magicianship in such a private, intimate theatre--unless it is the 'principalities and powers in the heavenly places.' But that's His business.
Forgive me the hysterics, brother? You're a patient man.
Yours most truly and penitently,
ALEX" (76).
"'Listen, child--you who are by the Fall a sinner, yet still by creation a man, and now by redemption a saint: these are wonders I mean to declare before the eyes of the universe. Walk with me through the wilderness.'
Yes, Lord" (92-93).
P.S. If you want to read this book but are having trouble finding a copy, you can borrow it for up to two weeks for free on Archive.org.
A star rating seems irrelevant to a book like this one; I read it, it read me, it's writing of a most intimate sort--exceedingly vulnerable, and spiritually rich.
This epistolary memoir chronicles one man's journey toward better understanding what he calls his "homosexual condition," and whoo boy, what a journey it is. Certainly some of the language and psychology foundational to Davidson's* understanding of homosexuality has changed since he published in 1970. Even recognizing the difference in terms we might use or our different assumptions about the origins of same-sex attraction, I found large swaths of Davidson's reflections deeply compelling. He represents what Grant called in his review "proto-Side B thought," which is actually quite fascinating to read if you're in on those Christian conversations about sexuality. Regardless of how it has aged, so many of Davidson's insights are rich in wisdom, and it's totally worth reading the whole book just for his postscript. I wanted to devour it in one sitting.
*Sadly, or perhaps not sadly, a pseudonym. I wish I knew what happened to him.
Lingering Uncertainties:
I'm not sure what to do, quite, with Davidson's equation of queer orientation (my words, not his) with chronic illness or physical disability. Still pondering away on that one. Sometimes the metaphor seems to get some mileage, but other times I wonder whether it does a disservice to both groups.
I am left at the end of this beautiful little book wondering yet again about the purposes, limits, and best practices of Christian friendship. (And I *still* haven't finished Wes Hill's book on it . . . oops. Or Aelred of Rievaulx's. Sigh.).
Selected Quotations:
"Thirdly, it [this book] aims to be *biblical*, and in this respect it should prove to be more generally applicable than if it were merely an account of personal experience. The part of the jungle where I am lost may be miles away from the part where you are lost, but the same map and compass can help us both. That map and compass I take to be the Word of God, both Christ the living Word and Scripture the written Word. Why do people who are otherwise thoughtful and sincere find it so easy to break the third commandment? They take the name of the Lord, and call themselves 'Christians'; yet they take it in vain, by emptying it of what is necessarily contained within it. The only Christ I can accept is not the tenth-hand Christ of the popular imagination, but the first-hand Christ of the New Testament, and once I admit Him I find I have to admit a whole range of teaching which is inseparable from Him--not only His own as reported in the Gospels, but that of the prophets whom He upheld and ratified, and that of the apostles whom he taught and commissioned: in other words, biblical revelation as a whole. It is on the principles the Bible lays down that I try to base my belief and behaviour in general, and therefore my attitude to the matter discussed in this book in particular" (11).
"Still the struggle goes on, so that at times when emotion is uppermost I complain bitterly about the cruel Providence which is subjecting me to this incessant tension between law and lust. But when reason takes charge, I realize how much my experience has taught me, and is still teaching me, about trust in a God who is all love, and who yet for His own very good reasons has seen fit to allow deformity, pain, and hardship to continue in this world until the day of the restoration of all things" (12).
"There is, of course, a true love between us, the love which is a hallmark of the Christian brotherhood (I John 3:14), and in virtue of which Peter cares for me as deeply as I care for him; but the other kind of love, the grand romantic passion, is all one way. It reaches out from me to Peter, and is not returned. And yet in the goodness of God there *are* returns: 'the pay is certain one way or another'. I am not repaid with the sexual liaison which my flesh desires, but I am repaid with a gift far more precious, a new lesson about divine providence and mercy, and 'out of that I have written these songs'. For unrequited love is a form of suffering, and all suffering when invested wisely brings returns. 'God has promised to heal my body. . . . He hasn't told me if it'll be in this life or after the resurrection from the dead. He's promised me that I'll have a perfect body without any pain then. He could heal me today if He wanted to. But I can see why He hasn't done so far. There's people I can help and talk to that you couldn't'" (12).
"There's practical comfort also, I find, in the particular matter I was theorizing about last, the doctrines of objective morality and human responsibility. They are singularly comfortless if you sum them up as 'God says: (1) there are certain things you mustn't do; (2) I hold you responsible if you do them.' But they can be put in a very different way. God is Law, and He sets His standards fearsomely high; but He is also Love, and in Christ He gives grace and help so abundant that it is no-one's fault but our own if we fail to measure up to those standards. Law and Love seem to move in opposite directions, but to such lengths do they both go that eventually they meet again on the other side of the globe. Because God's reach encompasses the whole world of morality, however far His law requires me to go His love will be there to enable me. In the words of the old hymn, 'the trysting place where heaven's love and heaven's justice meet' is the cross of Christ, but by the same token they also meet in the sinner who has been crucified with Christ; in him too the infinite demands of righteousness are fulfilled by the infinite resources of mercy. So when the pain is hurting almost uncontrollably, we can at least cling to the knowledge that it is never in fact out of His control" (47).
"[Abraham] had been born and brought up in one city, and was looking forward to finding his eventual home in another, and he must sometimes have felt that life in tents was exceedingly uncomfortable. But faith in the promise made the discomfort bearable. So in the light of the next world I see that the torments which make me rebel, because God won't explain them, are mere details in the grand purpose which He *has* explained, the bringing of yet another son to glory along the same path by which the eldest Son went, the path of maturity through suffering" (51).
"Isn't it one of the most wretched things about this condition that when you look ahead the same impossible road seems to continue indefinitely? You're driven to rebellion when you think of there being no point in it, and to despair when you think of there being no limit to it. That's why I find it a comfort, when I feel desperate, or rebellious, or both, to remind myself of God's promise that one day it will be finished--finished in both senses: He will put a stop to the troubles of this life, and He will at the same time complete what He has been doing by means of them. They are neither endless nor pointless" (51).
"I can't imagine what wonderful thing He intends to make out of this particular weakness, nor what audience is going to applaud the display of His magicianship in such a private, intimate theatre--unless it is the 'principalities and powers in the heavenly places.' But that's His business.
Forgive me the hysterics, brother? You're a patient man.
Yours most truly and penitently,
ALEX" (76).
"'Listen, child--you who are by the Fall a sinner, yet still by creation a man, and now by redemption a saint: these are wonders I mean to declare before the eyes of the universe. Walk with me through the wilderness.'
Yes, Lord" (92-93).
P.S. If you want to read this book but are having trouble finding a copy, you can borrow it for up to two weeks for free on Archive.org.
October 13, 2022
An imperfect but deeply affecting work. Intimate and honest, a study in lament. You will feel like you've made a new friend, and by the end it will feel like saying goodbye. My full review in two parts:
https://northamanglican.com/retro-boo...
https://northamanglican.com/retro-boo...
https://northamanglican.com/retro-boo...
https://northamanglican.com/retro-boo...
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