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Chantico in the Land of the Aztecs
The Turner Family continue their adventures around the world. The family travels to Mexico and celebrates Cinco de Mayo with close friends and the people of Mexico. Cinco de Mayo means 'The Fifth of May' and is in recognition of the Mexican Constitution. The people celebrate with festivals, carnivals, fireworks, food, dance, music and costume. People from all over the world attend these festivities yearly. The three Turner teens and their friends visit the Aztec ruins and get trapped in the Land of the Aztecs. There is danger everywhere as the teens are in the middle of an impending war between two kingdoms in which two kings are determined to kill each other and take each others people as sacrifices for the altar. The love between a princess and a prince is the only thing that stands in the way of thousands of people being killed and both kingdoms being torn apart. It is their love that can stop blood from being spilled on the altar. Can the 'Teen Archaeologists' help the young lovers unite the kingdoms before the two kings destroy them all? And even if they do, will the gods in the heavens come down to earth and destroy them all?Sample from the book-Back at the palace, the Sorceress Inancu walked onto the balcony to watch the battle of the Aztec warriors. Princess Anacoana rushed over to her. Inancu, Anacoana cried out. The God of War Monchipotl is going to destroy them all. Chantico is out there on the battle ground. He will die unless you help him. Help him. Please!" "Do not fret, princess," Inancu said calmly. "I shall call upon the Goddess of War Tipanza to come forth and destroy Monchipotl. It is the only way he can be defeated. No human can kill a giant. He can only be destroyed by another god." Inancu looked up into the sky. She held her hands up and closed her eyes. She called forth the Goddess of War. Tipanza heard her thoughts and appeared in the sky. She looked down at the battle between the Aztec warriors and her enemy Monchipotl and smiled. The two gods of war hated each other. The Goddess of War Tipanza appeared on earth in the Land of the Azteca, ready to destroy Monchipotl. The God of War Monchipotl smiled and laughed out loud when he saw Tipanza standing before him. The ground shook as the powerful giant spoke. "Tipanza, you have come on behalf of these humans to battle me? Do you actually think that you can defeat me? You are a goddess of war. Yes. You are a warrior. But you are still a mere female. Go back into the heavens or I shall destroy you." "I shall return to the heavens when you are dead, Monchipotl," she replied with confidence. "Very well then, if that's the way you want it. We shall do things the hard way. Now you shall die," he said angrily. The Aztec warriors backed away from the two giants and ran toward the Kingdom of the Tesoshtilandt. King Moctuma invited King Mapich and his four sons and head Aztec warriors inside the palace. When Chantico and Anacoana saw each other they ran and embraced. Queen Neca and Princess Tayanna smiled.
414 pages, Kindle Edition
Published December 7, 2016
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April 4, 2024
This book has a secret it doesn't want you to know.
The blurb provides the first mystery, as it opens with, "The Turner Family continue their adventures around the world." This suggests it's a sequel, but this author's only other book, Sex: With a Cheater, Abuser, Addict, is completely unrelated. There's also the matter of there not being any family named Turner in this book, they're named Strauss, but as we continue you'll understand that "quality control" is not exactly a factor in this arena.
The blurb goes on with, "The three Turner teens and their friends visit the Aztec ruins and get trapped in the Land of the Aztecs. [. . .] Can the 'Teen Archaeologists' help the young lovers unite the kingdoms before the two kings destroy them all?" This is a strong clue, but really I must thank the fan of the podcast '372 Pages We'll Never Get Back' who first discovered the connection through their sleuthing through LLC registrations.
This secret is that this book is a hidden quasi-sequel to The Land of the Moepek by Denise Brown Ellis and Larry Ellis, also authors of Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes, both wonderfully terrible, hilariously awful books that are Dunning-Kruger in action. Dee (Pepper) Lois is a new pen name for Denise Ellis, or a real name, I don't know. All I know is that in terms of authorship Larry is out of the picture. But their previous book sure isn't, because 'Chantico' steals from it liberally.
At many points, 'Chantico' is simply 'Moepek' redux. The rest of the time, it's terribly boring and droning and repetitive and bad. But if you're one of the lucky few to have experienced the Teen Archeologists in The Land of the Moepek (see my review to a link to the out-of-print book on the Internet Archive) it becomes extra hilarious to experience a whole new book featuring bickering siblings who live in a London mansion, fly on their private plane to another continent where the parents meet their local archeologist friends and the siblings join up with three other local teenagers, who take them to see some local entertainment, then the six teens go off to find some ruins with hieroglyphics and manage to unlock an entranceway to a long-hidden land where they encounter flying dinosaurs, are captured by warriors and are taken to this land's king who says they can never leave, a king who enjoys being entertained by competitions among the students of multiple warrior schools, a land where princesses are attended by multiple maidens, one of whom is pushed off a balcony by a villain who smiles wickedly, all in a book in which people speak, or whisper, "sarcastically" 33 times, in which character's ages are frequently stated unnecessarily, and in which faces are slapped 20 times (with one bonus throwing-into-trees incident).
So, yeah, don't read this book unless you've already read Moepek, and maybe not even then unless you're a glutton for this stuff like I am. Because in comparison, other than the moments that reinvigorate the joy of that prior book, this one is really freaking boring. What is it even about? It's about forbidden love. Not in an interesting way. It's pages and pages and chapters about multiple forbidden pairings (across antagonistic kingdoms, across class divides, in opposition to prior betrothals) that are discussed ad nauseum, with the would-be lovers being lectured AT LENGTH by an unending series of parents, advisors, siblings, friends, all saying the exact same things over and over again, droning on in extended monologues. This makes up roughly 70% of the book. Another 20% is spiteful making out, and the remaining 10% is the recycled material from Moepek that provides the only joy. But that, at least, is extremely joyous.
Really, the duplicated material is mind-boggling, but at least it answers some questions about which Ellis was responsible for specific elements of the books under their joint byline. Like, clearly Denise was the mind behind monkeys on bicycles, flying dinosaurs as random Deus ex Machina, giant snakes, out-of-nowhere doomed invasion of the hidden land in pursuit of riches, constantly sniping siblings ...
Mostly I have to ask why the author bothered to reuse all the material from The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists that she did, because the entire Teen Archeologists storyline was introduced very late, then neglected entirely for multiple chapters at a time, and had no effect on other ongoing events, until the final ten pages of the book. It's like she didn't know how to give the Aztec story a half-decent ending (which is true, it's terrible) so inserted this material haphazardly. The whole affair is very strange.
And the writing, my god it's bad, on a prose level and so many other ways. The book is very difficult to read because of its droning cadence, long paragraphs filled with choppy declarative sentences featuring a dire lack of commas, in drawn-out monologue after monologue. There's very little that I would qualify as dialogue, because each character just goes on and on, then maybe another character has their turn to go on and on and on, with very little actual interaction between their parts. There are whiplash scene changes between one paragraph and the next. The POV is bizarre; it's an omniscient first-person view, which is very strange because the narrating character, Chantico, is not omniscient and has no reasonable way to be able to recount the events that he does, while inserting his own editorial comments along the way. And there's an irritating habit of stating what happens, then going back slightly in time to recount the event in more detail.
So in case it's not clear, I do not recommend this book at all, and even to Antigua/Moepek afficionadoes the hits are few and far between, although when they do hit they hit good. But if you want to consider yourself a well-versed Ellis scholar, have at it.
And now for the list of names, obligatory for this author. Good luck keeping track of who is part of the Kingdom of the Tesoshtilandt, the Land of the Sitahawaha, the Kingdom of the Culhuacan, the Hiahuantanh Kingdom, the Kingdom of the Wesochtilan, the Kingdom of the Coshehawah, the Kingdom of the Vortheshelon, the Kingdom of the Petechlatah, the Tenoctitlandin Kingdom (which is only mentioned once and from context I think is a misspelling of Tesoshtilandt), the Kingdom of the Tenochtitlandt (another mispelling of Tesoshtilandt), or the world outside the Land of the Aztecs, or the pigmy village of the Ozwanaswa. Also, good luck guessing which characters are ever going to be mentioned again beyond their first appearance:
Tayanna
the warrior Yoatuh
Anacoana
Dahanna
Acoutus
King Moctuma
the warrior Humantuh
Prince Atlan
Chahannah
Sierrah
Brianah
Charlah
Trishah
Trianna
Adriannal
Chicahua
King Nocehuati
King Mapich
Pahuatah
Queen Nellihua
Chantico
Lacoati
Neneti
Tecaticui
Laxopilli
King Cuauhtémoc
Queen Citlalmina
Princess Neneti
Princess Lacoati
Princess Tecaticui
Lilathiha
Maputo
Shathica
Queen Tacapanna
the priest Momoztli
the priest Ohtli
the priest Icnoyotl
the priest Uetzcayotl
the priest Eleuia
the priest Nazahual
the priest Xihuiti
Coca
Razrohual
Allanah
the warrior Ponquiti
head warrior Teoxhualtl
Tutahwah
Princess Atzilanna
the Priest Matlai
the warrior Coaxochi
Prince Zopal
Prince Pimo
Prince Zolin
the warrior Hetchtl
Queen Roshanah
King Tutakeh
Laquitah
Apana
the head warrior Cleotioh
Posauthius
Mathacious
Pluthoth
the women [sic] warrior Atheniah
Lady Lona
Lady Ocala
Chipozu
Capana
Zabriel
the children's pet monkey Queel
the warrior Ashwoh
the warrior Ehecaltoh
Tonauact
Amontili
Thauqui
Tehua
Cithara
Talalli
Shatarra
Cintarrah
Pomutoh
Mupotah
Bhutopuh
Rahcehua
Shuahana
Locecoatl
Lazhutoh
Naceahuh
the priest Texcacoatl
Michael Strauss
Christie Martin
Professor Johnson
Victoria Strauss
Tabitha Strauss
Steven Strauss
Jeremy Strauss
Estafan
Carmencita
Madalynn
Cordero
Felippe
the Aztec Maiden Atzi
the Head Warrior Moezu
the Great Priest Ahitzot
Chipoea
Chipozu
Centehua
Anua
Tayuuh
Mahuizoh
Izel
the Maiden Malina
Chella
Caona
Tihanna
Antza
Princess Necanna
the Maiden Tapina
the Maiden Micala
the Warrior Cambaliti
Ahito
Tuac
Tona
Yao
Palzi
Pimtili
Cambal
Princess Biantanna
King Mofucoatl
Queen Cahauali
the head warrior Zopah
Princess Shatalah
Pinantah
Chataha
Roshena
King Totawaha
Queen Nehatula
Prince Victoh
the warrior Cuchituh
Anyah
Prince Tonoch
Prince Hecotoh
Cahalali
Lanicahua
Pahlani
Cotuihoh
Moztoch
pet monkey Tahtah
Roushaza
the servant Illianthiah
Luluth
Babeth
Shawntoh
the Maiden Citlali
Tepali
the Maiden Cilah
Ueman
the Head Warrior Cuiuac
the Warrior Yaotl
the warrior Ahcambal
the Queen Mother Omeci
the Priest Tauhl
the Warrior Cambali
Petrulah
Lilihuah
the maiden Nehatah
the warrior Sutotatah
the Warrior Ezu
the Sorceress Inancu
the God of War Monshipotl
the Goddess of War Tipanza
Lady Lona
Lady Ocala
Lady Apana
the Maiden Twantihl
Officer Ariana
Office Rafael
Officer Olivia
Officer Marcos
Agent Ivanna
Agent Juan Manuel
Agent Diego
Whew! Good times. Or the opposite of that. For the least painful experience of the book, see my notes and highlights for all of the absurdity without all of the dreary text. I suppose they contain spoilers, so if there's any chance you want to read this for yourself, avoid them, but really with this book who gives a shit.
The blurb provides the first mystery, as it opens with, "The Turner Family continue their adventures around the world." This suggests it's a sequel, but this author's only other book, Sex: With a Cheater, Abuser, Addict, is completely unrelated. There's also the matter of there not being any family named Turner in this book, they're named Strauss, but as we continue you'll understand that "quality control" is not exactly a factor in this arena.
The blurb goes on with, "The three Turner teens and their friends visit the Aztec ruins and get trapped in the Land of the Aztecs. [. . .] Can the 'Teen Archaeologists' help the young lovers unite the kingdoms before the two kings destroy them all?" This is a strong clue, but really I must thank the fan of the podcast '372 Pages We'll Never Get Back' who first discovered the connection through their sleuthing through LLC registrations.
This secret is that this book is a hidden quasi-sequel to The Land of the Moepek by Denise Brown Ellis and Larry Ellis, also authors of Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes, both wonderfully terrible, hilariously awful books that are Dunning-Kruger in action. Dee (Pepper) Lois is a new pen name for Denise Ellis, or a real name, I don't know. All I know is that in terms of authorship Larry is out of the picture. But their previous book sure isn't, because 'Chantico' steals from it liberally.
At many points, 'Chantico' is simply 'Moepek' redux. The rest of the time, it's terribly boring and droning and repetitive and bad. But if you're one of the lucky few to have experienced the Teen Archeologists in The Land of the Moepek (see my review to a link to the out-of-print book on the Internet Archive) it becomes extra hilarious to experience a whole new book featuring bickering siblings who live in a London mansion, fly on their private plane to another continent where the parents meet their local archeologist friends and the siblings join up with three other local teenagers, who take them to see some local entertainment, then the six teens go off to find some ruins with hieroglyphics and manage to unlock an entranceway to a long-hidden land where they encounter flying dinosaurs, are captured by warriors and are taken to this land's king who says they can never leave, a king who enjoys being entertained by competitions among the students of multiple warrior schools, a land where princesses are attended by multiple maidens, one of whom is pushed off a balcony by a villain who smiles wickedly, all in a book in which people speak, or whisper, "sarcastically" 33 times, in which character's ages are frequently stated unnecessarily, and in which faces are slapped 20 times (with one bonus throwing-into-trees incident).
So, yeah, don't read this book unless you've already read Moepek, and maybe not even then unless you're a glutton for this stuff like I am. Because in comparison, other than the moments that reinvigorate the joy of that prior book, this one is really freaking boring. What is it even about? It's about forbidden love. Not in an interesting way. It's pages and pages and chapters about multiple forbidden pairings (across antagonistic kingdoms, across class divides, in opposition to prior betrothals) that are discussed ad nauseum, with the would-be lovers being lectured AT LENGTH by an unending series of parents, advisors, siblings, friends, all saying the exact same things over and over again, droning on in extended monologues. This makes up roughly 70% of the book. Another 20% is spiteful making out, and the remaining 10% is the recycled material from Moepek that provides the only joy. But that, at least, is extremely joyous.
Really, the duplicated material is mind-boggling, but at least it answers some questions about which Ellis was responsible for specific elements of the books under their joint byline. Like, clearly Denise was the mind behind monkeys on bicycles, flying dinosaurs as random Deus ex Machina, giant snakes, out-of-nowhere doomed invasion of the hidden land in pursuit of riches, constantly sniping siblings ...
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Tabitha whispered. Watching a goat being swallowed whole by the serpent made her queasy.... slapping of faces, the term "male chauvinist pig," and plenty more. Like the constant misunderstanding of the word "sarcasm". May I?
“You’re gonna be sick because you saw a snake swallow a goat Tabitha?” Steven asked.
“No Steven. I’m gonna be sick because I just looked at your face.”
“No, you’re going to be sick because you just looked at your boyfriend’s face.”
“Where is your girlfriend right now Steven? Oh that’s right. You don’t have one!”
“You’re a bad boy Laxopilli,” his wife said sarcastically as she wrapped her arms around her husband’s neck.(In fairness, there were two instances of actual sarcasm that I didn't include, because what fun would that be?)
. . .
“Ashwoh, you can do better than that,” the king said sarcastically.
. . .
“She’s going to run to her new best friend Necanna to cry on her shoulders like a spoiled brat,” Cintarrah said sarcastically.
. . .
“I think she wants us to bow down and kiss her feet,” Cintarrah said sarcastically.
. . .
“Then she must die,” Rahcehua said sarcastically. “I shall kill her myself.”
. . .
She whispered sarcastically, “Chantico you’re a great warrior. But, a fisherman you are not.”
. . .
“Jailbait,” he whispered underneath his breath sarcastically.
. . .
“Women are so slow,” Michael mumbled to himself sarcastically.
. . .
“What, do you have psychic powers or what?” “No, I just know you dear,” she responded sarcastically. “Men!”
. . .
“It really doesn’t matter because you’re a bore anyway Steven,” Tabitha said sarcastically.
. . .
Steven mumbled underneath his breath sarcastically, “I wonder how long mom and dad are going to punish us for this time.”
. . .
“Ok, but let Steven go first,” Tabitha said sarcastically. “If there are any creatures in there they could eat him first and that will give the rest of us time to escape.”
. . .
Should they be killed or live amongst us as I suggested?” Tayanna asked her sister sarcastically.
. . .
“She didn’t say that she didn’t want him either,” responded Malina sarcastically.
. . .
He smiled to himself sarcastically
. . .
“Princess, I heard a rumor that Chipozu has eyes for you,” the maiden Malina said sarcastically.
. . .
“Beautiful women usually are trouble, Shawntoh,” Atlan said sarcastically as both young men smiled at Anacoana.
. . .
“We were just playing,” I said sarcastically.
. . .
“Coca whispered to herself sarcastically, “Do I have to? Can’t we just let her die?”
. . .
“Wimps!” Coca whispered sarcastically as she kicked the rats off of her shoes fearlessly.
Mostly I have to ask why the author bothered to reuse all the material from The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists that she did, because the entire Teen Archeologists storyline was introduced very late, then neglected entirely for multiple chapters at a time, and had no effect on other ongoing events, until the final ten pages of the book. It's like she didn't know how to give the Aztec story a half-decent ending (which is true, it's terrible) so inserted this material haphazardly. The whole affair is very strange.
And the writing, my god it's bad, on a prose level and so many other ways. The book is very difficult to read because of its droning cadence, long paragraphs filled with choppy declarative sentences featuring a dire lack of commas, in drawn-out monologue after monologue. There's very little that I would qualify as dialogue, because each character just goes on and on, then maybe another character has their turn to go on and on and on, with very little actual interaction between their parts. There are whiplash scene changes between one paragraph and the next. The POV is bizarre; it's an omniscient first-person view, which is very strange because the narrating character, Chantico, is not omniscient and has no reasonable way to be able to recount the events that he does, while inserting his own editorial comments along the way. And there's an irritating habit of stating what happens, then going back slightly in time to recount the event in more detail.
So in case it's not clear, I do not recommend this book at all, and even to Antigua/Moepek afficionadoes the hits are few and far between, although when they do hit they hit good. But if you want to consider yourself a well-versed Ellis scholar, have at it.
And now for the list of names, obligatory for this author. Good luck keeping track of who is part of the Kingdom of the Tesoshtilandt, the Land of the Sitahawaha, the Kingdom of the Culhuacan, the Hiahuantanh Kingdom, the Kingdom of the Wesochtilan, the Kingdom of the Coshehawah, the Kingdom of the Vortheshelon, the Kingdom of the Petechlatah, the Tenoctitlandin Kingdom (which is only mentioned once and from context I think is a misspelling of Tesoshtilandt), the Kingdom of the Tenochtitlandt (another mispelling of Tesoshtilandt), or the world outside the Land of the Aztecs, or the pigmy village of the Ozwanaswa. Also, good luck guessing which characters are ever going to be mentioned again beyond their first appearance:
Tayanna
the warrior Yoatuh
Anacoana
Dahanna
Acoutus
King Moctuma
the warrior Humantuh
Prince Atlan
Chahannah
Sierrah
Brianah
Charlah
Trishah
Trianna
Adriannal
Chicahua
King Nocehuati
King Mapich
Pahuatah
Queen Nellihua
Chantico
Lacoati
Neneti
Tecaticui
Laxopilli
King Cuauhtémoc
Queen Citlalmina
Princess Neneti
Princess Lacoati
Princess Tecaticui
Lilathiha
Maputo
Shathica
Queen Tacapanna
the priest Momoztli
the priest Ohtli
the priest Icnoyotl
the priest Uetzcayotl
the priest Eleuia
the priest Nazahual
the priest Xihuiti
Coca
Razrohual
Allanah
the warrior Ponquiti
head warrior Teoxhualtl
Tutahwah
Princess Atzilanna
the Priest Matlai
the warrior Coaxochi
Prince Zopal
Prince Pimo
Prince Zolin
the warrior Hetchtl
Queen Roshanah
King Tutakeh
Laquitah
Apana
the head warrior Cleotioh
Posauthius
Mathacious
Pluthoth
the women [sic] warrior Atheniah
Lady Lona
Lady Ocala
Chipozu
Capana
Zabriel
the children's pet monkey Queel
the warrior Ashwoh
the warrior Ehecaltoh
Tonauact
Amontili
Thauqui
Tehua
Cithara
Talalli
Shatarra
Cintarrah
Pomutoh
Mupotah
Bhutopuh
Rahcehua
Shuahana
Locecoatl
Lazhutoh
Naceahuh
the priest Texcacoatl
Michael Strauss
Christie Martin
Professor Johnson
Victoria Strauss
Tabitha Strauss
Steven Strauss
Jeremy Strauss
Estafan
Carmencita
Madalynn
Cordero
Felippe
the Aztec Maiden Atzi
the Head Warrior Moezu
the Great Priest Ahitzot
Chipoea
Chipozu
Centehua
Anua
Tayuuh
Mahuizoh
Izel
the Maiden Malina
Chella
Caona
Tihanna
Antza
Princess Necanna
the Maiden Tapina
the Maiden Micala
the Warrior Cambaliti
Ahito
Tuac
Tona
Yao
Palzi
Pimtili
Cambal
Princess Biantanna
King Mofucoatl
Queen Cahauali
the head warrior Zopah
Princess Shatalah
Pinantah
Chataha
Roshena
King Totawaha
Queen Nehatula
Prince Victoh
the warrior Cuchituh
Anyah
Prince Tonoch
Prince Hecotoh
Cahalali
Lanicahua
Pahlani
Cotuihoh
Moztoch
pet monkey Tahtah
Roushaza
the servant Illianthiah
Luluth
Babeth
Shawntoh
the Maiden Citlali
Tepali
the Maiden Cilah
Ueman
the Head Warrior Cuiuac
the Warrior Yaotl
the warrior Ahcambal
the Queen Mother Omeci
the Priest Tauhl
the Warrior Cambali
Petrulah
Lilihuah
the maiden Nehatah
the warrior Sutotatah
the Warrior Ezu
the Sorceress Inancu
the God of War Monshipotl
the Goddess of War Tipanza
Lady Lona
Lady Ocala
Lady Apana
the Maiden Twantihl
Officer Ariana
Office Rafael
Officer Olivia
Officer Marcos
Agent Ivanna
Agent Juan Manuel
Agent Diego
Whew! Good times. Or the opposite of that. For the least painful experience of the book, see my notes and highlights for all of the absurdity without all of the dreary text. I suppose they contain spoilers, so if there's any chance you want to read this for yourself, avoid them, but really with this book who gives a shit.
November 4, 2024
A friend on here brought this beautifully slightly less terribly written almost secret retelling of the land of the Moepek and while in some instances I do feel like it was better written and improved, such as with the actual “Aztec” people’s character developments and stories and the more vibrant feel of the world. But then you still get wild unhinged jumps into literal celestial fights for whatever reason and the ending did seem stronger than the other, I can’t help but feel like they should’ve just dropped the teenagers as a whole from this one because you really forget about them for most of the book and they are more of a hindrance than a plot point. But still this was wonderfully horrible to read through but I’m so glad I did.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews