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When Love Gets Tough: The Nursing Home Dilemma
Explains how to decide when to place elderly parents in a nursing home, how to implement the decision, and how to face one's feelings of guilt, anger, and fear
100 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 1983
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
October 22, 2014
My father, Einar Graff, is ninety-three. Until a routine medical examination led to a concatenation of treatments and, now, surgeries, he was living at home in East Dundee, Illinois, quite capable of taking care of himself. I'd stay there once or twice a year when his considerably younger wife traveled, but not because he needed me so much as to soothe her, not unreasonable, fears that he might stumble and fall upon one of their many flights of stairs. Looking back, I'm glad to have had so many opportunities to be alone with him over the last several years.
It was anaesthesia that seems to have done it, to have taken him over the edge to pronounced senile dementia. He wasn't all there before, but you could hold a conversation, ask a question and usually get a clear response. We were even able to do a mile or two in the woods together, in the woods on real trails, until the surgery and the anaesthia.
Now he can't walk, not unless you count a few hundred feet with a walker. Now he can rarely finish a few sentences or answer a question requiring much thought. Since the surgery he's been in hospitals, convalescent centers and, at best, retirement homes, travelling between them in ambulances.
His wife is not handling this well. We, her sons and the sons of her husband, work more to help her than to help Einar, the blessing, such as it is, of his dementia being the apparent diminishment of his cares. She gave me this book because she has found it helpful.
What When Love Gets Tough is about is dealing with those who can no longer manage to live at home. Much of it is commonsensical advice about grief and anger. This I found too commonsensical to be of much interest. The little I got out of it was about laundry, food services and other practicalities of institutional living for the elderly. But then I've worked in four hospitals, one of them a convalescent center, once in the capacity of a chaplain, and have a degree in psychotherapeutics. Someone less 'experienced' might well find it useful.
What's skimmed over, however, deserves mention. That's the relationship between money and the quality of care. There is, as one should imagine, a direct correspondence between the two, a correspondence the author does not address. Much of father's wife's struggle has been precisely about that, about coming up with the funding to maintain her husband's comfort, maybe even restore some of his capacities. And she, they aren't poor, but precisely the kind of middle class folk author Manning appears to be addressing. One could, she knows, we all know, improve the care if we sell our homes, cut our luxuries. That's the real source of much of the anquish, much of the guilty misgivings. Manning doesn't deal with it, nor with the broader issues of national health care and broader social spending priorities.
It was anaesthesia that seems to have done it, to have taken him over the edge to pronounced senile dementia. He wasn't all there before, but you could hold a conversation, ask a question and usually get a clear response. We were even able to do a mile or two in the woods together, in the woods on real trails, until the surgery and the anaesthia.
Now he can't walk, not unless you count a few hundred feet with a walker. Now he can rarely finish a few sentences or answer a question requiring much thought. Since the surgery he's been in hospitals, convalescent centers and, at best, retirement homes, travelling between them in ambulances.
His wife is not handling this well. We, her sons and the sons of her husband, work more to help her than to help Einar, the blessing, such as it is, of his dementia being the apparent diminishment of his cares. She gave me this book because she has found it helpful.
What When Love Gets Tough is about is dealing with those who can no longer manage to live at home. Much of it is commonsensical advice about grief and anger. This I found too commonsensical to be of much interest. The little I got out of it was about laundry, food services and other practicalities of institutional living for the elderly. But then I've worked in four hospitals, one of them a convalescent center, once in the capacity of a chaplain, and have a degree in psychotherapeutics. Someone less 'experienced' might well find it useful.
What's skimmed over, however, deserves mention. That's the relationship between money and the quality of care. There is, as one should imagine, a direct correspondence between the two, a correspondence the author does not address. Much of father's wife's struggle has been precisely about that, about coming up with the funding to maintain her husband's comfort, maybe even restore some of his capacities. And she, they aren't poor, but precisely the kind of middle class folk author Manning appears to be addressing. One could, she knows, we all know, improve the care if we sell our homes, cut our luxuries. That's the real source of much of the anquish, much of the guilty misgivings. Manning doesn't deal with it, nor with the broader issues of national health care and broader social spending priorities.
May 12, 2016
I found this book (an earlier version) on my dad's bookshelf at his house, during some of the initial house-cleaning-out right after he moved into assisted living. It appeared that he had purchased this book when HE was dealing with moving his parents into a nursing home! I picked it up to see if it had any helpful info.
As someone else mentioned, much of what's in it is almost common sense about the grief caused by the displacement of moving out of one's home. However, being in the midst of dealing with that grief in my own parent, and all the ways in which it manifests itself; this book provided some helpful insight! I highlighted things as I read it, and I find myself going back to reference them.
One of the most helpful tenets in the book is the suggestion to listen, but don't let yourself get drawn into arguments. Daddy is likely feeling a lot of anger, but he doesn't really have a good place to direct it. I'm trying to hear him out but not get pulled into my usual MO of trying to fix things; rather, I'm giving him my ear.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who's dealing with their parent moving out of their own home - whether into assisted living or a nursing home. And if you are considering having your parent move into YOUR home, please read this book first to find some valid reasons why that may not be a good idea!
As someone else mentioned, much of what's in it is almost common sense about the grief caused by the displacement of moving out of one's home. However, being in the midst of dealing with that grief in my own parent, and all the ways in which it manifests itself; this book provided some helpful insight! I highlighted things as I read it, and I find myself going back to reference them.
One of the most helpful tenets in the book is the suggestion to listen, but don't let yourself get drawn into arguments. Daddy is likely feeling a lot of anger, but he doesn't really have a good place to direct it. I'm trying to hear him out but not get pulled into my usual MO of trying to fix things; rather, I'm giving him my ear.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who's dealing with their parent moving out of their own home - whether into assisted living or a nursing home. And if you are considering having your parent move into YOUR home, please read this book first to find some valid reasons why that may not be a good idea!
August 8, 2011
This is an interesting read because it talks a lot about the emotions that go along with placing a loved one in a care facility, such as anger, grief, and others. The book does not speak universally to people who are in nursing homes, nor to their families, but it could be a valuable resource to people who are faced with this possibility. Also, this book could be of use for people who serve others such as nurses, social workers, and pastors. I wasn't a big fan of some of the language involved in this book, namely that it seems, at times, to speak of a theology of ownership, but if you can get past that, much information can be gleaned from this book. Finally, this book talks about the necessity of families speaking openly and honestly while making this decision because when everyone knows what is happening, there is less drama, which helps the loved one adjust more easily to the change.
August 24, 2011
I always thought at this point in my life things would be getting easier. Now I am finding I am busier than ever and pulled in more directions then I thought possible. It is almost like we are sandwiched between children--our parents and our own children. Now is a great time to spend time with our adult children and their kids. They are wonderful relationships without the stress of the resposibility, but not so much with our aging parents. It is so hard to make the decisions our parents need us to make without feeling guilty or frustrated. This book was very informative about the decisons we have to make and the anger they feel, as well as our own guilt. I was glad to find someone who addressed this subject. It seems most people ignore it.
May 22, 2009
Great book for those facing the nursing home decisions. I met Doug over 25 years ago and purchased the first 5,000 copies of his book and gave them all away. Since then I have bought thousands more and given them away.
November 9, 2015
This book helped me overcome incredible guilt at the necessity of putting my mother in a memory care unit after she was diagnosed with dementia. I highly recommend this author for understanding the psychology of caregivers and their emotional needs.
January 31, 2008
when someone close gets alzheimers then this book is a must
January 22, 2011
Extremely helpful and right on in every way. Wish I had read this a year ago. Would like to have more solution suggestions to the problems discussed.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews