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Empty Shoes by the Door: Living After My Son’s Suicide, a Memoir
Grief demands we stand face-to-face with it and admit the messy truth of our brokenness.
On the afternoon of December 23, 2011, Judi Merriam’s eighteen-year-old son, Jenson, took his own life—an act that blindsided everyone who knew him—changing her life and those of her family forever.
This is the story of Jenson’s life and death—and of Judi’s path to surviving without the physical presence of the kind, intelligent, and endlessly creative young man she never imagined she would outlive.
The suicide of a loved one can be devastating for those left behind and bring deep despair and seemingly endless grief. Judi was forced to confront profound feelings of loss and guilt and a future so very different from what she thought it would be. In this honest and soul-searching memoir, Judi reflects with grace and courage on the fragile and amazing, terrifying and broken, and glorious and painful experience of living life after an unfathomable loss.
On the afternoon of December 23, 2011, Judi Merriam’s eighteen-year-old son, Jenson, took his own life—an act that blindsided everyone who knew him—changing her life and those of her family forever.
This is the story of Jenson’s life and death—and of Judi’s path to surviving without the physical presence of the kind, intelligent, and endlessly creative young man she never imagined she would outlive.
The suicide of a loved one can be devastating for those left behind and bring deep despair and seemingly endless grief. Judi was forced to confront profound feelings of loss and guilt and a future so very different from what she thought it would be. In this honest and soul-searching memoir, Judi reflects with grace and courage on the fragile and amazing, terrifying and broken, and glorious and painful experience of living life after an unfathomable loss.
252 pages, Paperback
Published May 16, 2022
9 people are currently reading
25 people want to read
About the author
Judi Merriam
1 book3 followersJudi Merriam loves her roles as wife, mother, singer, actor, director, speaker, and writer. When these vocations allow her free time, she can be found hiking, swimming, sewing, reading, or watching British murder mysteries. Her favorite people on earth are her husband, Brian, and her two living children, Tyler and Kalina. Judi makes her home in the historic Mohawk River Valley located between her beloved Adirondack Mountains and New York City. She sings and speaks for various churches and community organizations throughout Upstate New York and has played an extensive number of leading roles, as well as directed, for musical theater companies across the same area. Judi is continuously grateful for the sustaining grace of God as she walks through the messiness of life in this broken world. It is her heart’s desire to shine a light of hope into the lives of those who grieve, especially parents who have lost children to suicide.
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
February 7, 2024
I recently finished Empty Shoes by the Door, Living After My Son’s Suicide, by Judi Merriam and felt as if I’ve just spent time with a dear, old friend.
Our stories are shockingly similar. We both lost beloved, creative, sensitive, talented, funny, intelligent sons to suicide, Judi’s son, Jenson, and my son, Max. In the years since their deaths, both our journeys have been characterized by shock, disbelief, sorrow, shame, guilt, anger, and more intense emotions than either of us can describe.
As I read through Judi’s book, I held a pen in my hand and underlined, starred, circled, and commented on a sentence or paragraph on almost every page. To say her story resonated with me would be an understatement.
Here are some things that jumped off the page to me and may speak to those who are grieving or walking alongside some who is.
“It’s quite amazing how actual acts of giving food, cleaning house, running errands…, demonstrate love and compassion far more powerfully than words alone.”
“Tears were often my deepest form of worship for weeks on Sunday mornings.”
“We are not the gods in our children’s lives we think we are or try to be.”
“It’s hard for me to feel worthy of being honored as a mother when my son chose to leave this world.”
“Those who actually make the effort to talk to us about him give us an extraordinarily generous gift very few bestow upon us.”
“People need to know when the things they say or do cause greater hurt than what is already coursing through the melancholy veins of a brokenhearted parent.”
“Don’t use the word ‘still,’ as it has no place in the vocabulary uttered to someone who is grieving… (still) always diminishes personal anguish.”
“Avoid speaking every single platitude you’ve ever heard uttered (and I truly mean all of them)…”
“I felt so lost, alone – totally ignored and abandoned by God.”
“If love could’ve kept Jenson alive… he would still be living, breathing, and walking on this earth.”
“I have floundered and doubted and questioned and struggled and yelled at God and a whole host of other things that have not always demonstrated a strong faith. But I’m still here, walking with Jesus because I can’t live without him.”
“I’m so very grateful for the loved ones whom I still have on this earth, I’m simultaneously extremely sad and heartbroken because of that one who is no longer with me.”
Clearly, I could go on and on. Judi’s words were like a balm to my soul because she put into words so many of the things I thought and felt after losing my own son, Max. I will cherish this book. It is truly a gift.
Anyone who has lost a child, particularly in a tragic or traumatic way. will benefit from reading it. Judi’s mother’s heart will speak to your own.
Our stories are shockingly similar. We both lost beloved, creative, sensitive, talented, funny, intelligent sons to suicide, Judi’s son, Jenson, and my son, Max. In the years since their deaths, both our journeys have been characterized by shock, disbelief, sorrow, shame, guilt, anger, and more intense emotions than either of us can describe.
As I read through Judi’s book, I held a pen in my hand and underlined, starred, circled, and commented on a sentence or paragraph on almost every page. To say her story resonated with me would be an understatement.
Here are some things that jumped off the page to me and may speak to those who are grieving or walking alongside some who is.
“It’s quite amazing how actual acts of giving food, cleaning house, running errands…, demonstrate love and compassion far more powerfully than words alone.”
“Tears were often my deepest form of worship for weeks on Sunday mornings.”
“We are not the gods in our children’s lives we think we are or try to be.”
“It’s hard for me to feel worthy of being honored as a mother when my son chose to leave this world.”
“Those who actually make the effort to talk to us about him give us an extraordinarily generous gift very few bestow upon us.”
“People need to know when the things they say or do cause greater hurt than what is already coursing through the melancholy veins of a brokenhearted parent.”
“Don’t use the word ‘still,’ as it has no place in the vocabulary uttered to someone who is grieving… (still) always diminishes personal anguish.”
“Avoid speaking every single platitude you’ve ever heard uttered (and I truly mean all of them)…”
“I felt so lost, alone – totally ignored and abandoned by God.”
“If love could’ve kept Jenson alive… he would still be living, breathing, and walking on this earth.”
“I have floundered and doubted and questioned and struggled and yelled at God and a whole host of other things that have not always demonstrated a strong faith. But I’m still here, walking with Jesus because I can’t live without him.”
“I’m so very grateful for the loved ones whom I still have on this earth, I’m simultaneously extremely sad and heartbroken because of that one who is no longer with me.”
Clearly, I could go on and on. Judi’s words were like a balm to my soul because she put into words so many of the things I thought and felt after losing my own son, Max. I will cherish this book. It is truly a gift.
Anyone who has lost a child, particularly in a tragic or traumatic way. will benefit from reading it. Judi’s mother’s heart will speak to your own.
June 2, 2022
In this heartbreaking account of surviving every parent’s worst nightmare, Judi Merriam shares her story and lessons learned. Judi’s kind and creative teenage son, Jenson, took his own life two days before Christmas, 2011. This completely unexpected event plunged his family into a nightmare of grief that would change their lives forever. Judi recounts the events leading up to the horrific event, its aftermath, and her struggle to cope throughout the following ten years.
I believe that this book will be very beneficial to other suicide survivors, in that it lets them know that they are not alone, and shares Judi’s experiences navigating permanent grief. It also has an important message for the many people who have no experience with suicide, as it contains numerous real life examples of what NOT to say to a grieving family. Each chapter helpfully ends with a short section titled “Something to Consider,” which summarizes statements or actions that should be avoided, because they only increase the hurt felt by the bereaved. There are also suggestions for ways friends can help survivors, as well as for survivors themselves, as they face life without their loved one.
This book is written from a distinctly Christian perspective. Yet Judi writes candidly about her crisis of faith after her son’s suicide, and also about the further pain caused by other Christians’ pious platitudes, and quoting of verses such as Romans 8:28. She also challenges common theological assumptions, and is refreshingly honest about the tough questions. The book has a strong focus on the person of Jesus and His love, as well as the importance of grace. It will be an encouragement to struggling Christians to look to Jesus rather than rules or doctrine. Judi states, “My love for Jesus [has]…actually grown, as I’ve learned to let go of things I’ve been told were imperative but aren’t.”
All in all, I believe this book will play an important role in raising awareness about suicide. Many people are not sure how to approach or help those who have lost loved ones in this way, and this book has a number of valuable insights. It also challenges common misconceptions and, although a difficult read at times due to the harrowing subject matter, ends with a strong message of hope and survival. I highly recommend it.
I believe that this book will be very beneficial to other suicide survivors, in that it lets them know that they are not alone, and shares Judi’s experiences navigating permanent grief. It also has an important message for the many people who have no experience with suicide, as it contains numerous real life examples of what NOT to say to a grieving family. Each chapter helpfully ends with a short section titled “Something to Consider,” which summarizes statements or actions that should be avoided, because they only increase the hurt felt by the bereaved. There are also suggestions for ways friends can help survivors, as well as for survivors themselves, as they face life without their loved one.
This book is written from a distinctly Christian perspective. Yet Judi writes candidly about her crisis of faith after her son’s suicide, and also about the further pain caused by other Christians’ pious platitudes, and quoting of verses such as Romans 8:28. She also challenges common theological assumptions, and is refreshingly honest about the tough questions. The book has a strong focus on the person of Jesus and His love, as well as the importance of grace. It will be an encouragement to struggling Christians to look to Jesus rather than rules or doctrine. Judi states, “My love for Jesus [has]…actually grown, as I’ve learned to let go of things I’ve been told were imperative but aren’t.”
All in all, I believe this book will play an important role in raising awareness about suicide. Many people are not sure how to approach or help those who have lost loved ones in this way, and this book has a number of valuable insights. It also challenges common misconceptions and, although a difficult read at times due to the harrowing subject matter, ends with a strong message of hope and survival. I highly recommend it.
May 23, 2022
Judi's goal has always been to provide encouragement, hope, and insight to those who have lost a loved one, either via suicide or by some other means. I think she does a tremendous job of capturing the heart-wrenching experience anyone goes through in the aftermath of losing a family member, close friend, role model, etc. Furthermore, she seamlessly blends her story of grief, sorrow, and redemption with practical advice for the reader. This advice is relevant for those who have experienced their own devastating loss, and those wishing to encourage grieving family members or friends but are unsure of what to do, what to say, or how to act.
The faith-based content (i.e. “Christian” or “religious,” though those words are limiting) may not resonate with all readers, but may also provide a greater depth of relevance to the scores of people struggling with their own relationship with a higher power in the midst of life’s tragedies. Regardless of your personal beliefs, the words in Empty Shoes by the Door will provide insight into the horrors of loss, and how to navigate the journey afterward.
This memoir is also well-written. Judi spent countless hours over the last several years taking memoir writing classes, reading other memoirs, writing draft after draft of the book, and reviewing feedback from a variety of writing and publishing professionals. The result is a memoir that weaves a sublime tapestry of stories, prose, and practical guidance.
I hope this memoir provides some encouragement to those who have experienced loss or want to support family or friends who have. Suicide is a stigmatized and uncomfortable topic in our culture, and I believe this memoir can open the door to healthy and candid conversations about the subject.
The faith-based content (i.e. “Christian” or “religious,” though those words are limiting) may not resonate with all readers, but may also provide a greater depth of relevance to the scores of people struggling with their own relationship with a higher power in the midst of life’s tragedies. Regardless of your personal beliefs, the words in Empty Shoes by the Door will provide insight into the horrors of loss, and how to navigate the journey afterward.
This memoir is also well-written. Judi spent countless hours over the last several years taking memoir writing classes, reading other memoirs, writing draft after draft of the book, and reviewing feedback from a variety of writing and publishing professionals. The result is a memoir that weaves a sublime tapestry of stories, prose, and practical guidance.
I hope this memoir provides some encouragement to those who have experienced loss or want to support family or friends who have. Suicide is a stigmatized and uncomfortable topic in our culture, and I believe this memoir can open the door to healthy and candid conversations about the subject.
June 27, 2022
I rarely read a book in one sitting, but I found Judi’s story one that I couldn’t tear myself away from. She found a way to work her own personal story that no parent should ever have to experience into one that serves as a poignant and emotional journey for anyone grieving the loss of someone close to them. There is something to be said for someone who is able to channel their grief into a message of faith and love for those around us as well as express her own fears and doubt.
I praise Judi, along with the rest of her family, for their strength and grace in having shared their story to help those who may be grieving.
I praise Judi, along with the rest of her family, for their strength and grace in having shared their story to help those who may be grieving.
July 14, 2022
Judi and her family have experienced the unthinkable. Through love, professional support, the mindfulness and kindness of true friends and family, and her faith, she writes to help others who have experiences similar to hers with her middle son, Jensen's suicide. She helps us know what to say and more importantly what NOT to say. Her book is a gift. She includes a thoughtful list of music and the books that helped with her continuing journey. Thank you, Judi Merriam.
June 16, 2022
Beautiful and poignant. Judi Merriam’s book was well written. The way she used titles of show tunes as chapter titles was brilliant. She did not sugarcoat anything, yet she told it with sensitivity which is a tricky balance to achieve.
April 25, 2023
Read this as part of my studies into the long-term effects of suicide. A great, emotional read that's well written and incredibly heartfelt.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews