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Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage
A fresh, biblical paradigm for choosing a spouse.
Done with dating? Don’t know where to start? Wondering if your date is the one to marry?
Pastor-scholar Sam Andreades brings single Christians in that vulnerable life moment the practical, theological help to make the dangerous decision confidently. Bringing the Bible’s wisdom on relationships to bear on the dating scene, he helps you lay a foundation for a love that lasts.
This book will teach you how to:
* Confidently say good-bye to ill-suited suitors.
* Deepen your relationship with God as you date.
* Find, and make a lifelong commitment to, a worthy, compatible mate.
* Understand the role of gender in developing intimacy.
* Form a strong foundation for marriage in your dating as you grow into what marriage is about.
Done with dating? Don’t know where to start? Wondering if your date is the one to marry?
Pastor-scholar Sam Andreades brings single Christians in that vulnerable life moment the practical, theological help to make the dangerous decision confidently. Bringing the Bible’s wisdom on relationships to bear on the dating scene, he helps you lay a foundation for a love that lasts.
This book will teach you how to:
* Confidently say good-bye to ill-suited suitors.
* Deepen your relationship with God as you date.
* Find, and make a lifelong commitment to, a worthy, compatible mate.
* Understand the role of gender in developing intimacy.
* Form a strong foundation for marriage in your dating as you grow into what marriage is about.
280 pages, Paperback
Published September 20, 2021
24 people are currently reading
141 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
February 23, 2022
I get asked about dating books pretty often and finally there is a book I can recommend!
Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage by Sam Andreades is the perfect mix of a book filled with scripture and real life stories to offer wisdom in what things to take into consideration as one sets out to find a husband/wife.
The author’s tone is very conversational and this made the book easy to get through. I love how he basically is charging the reader to ask questions about their search for a spouse instead of giving a list of rules and formula to finding a spouse that the reader must do.
Many books or articles on the subject of dating can be daunting and borderline legalism. This book is not like that thankfully.
He uses gender and the roles of husband and wife laid out in scripture a lot in this book. If you’re a woman can you joyfully see yourself submitting to the man you are dating? If you are a male, can you lead as a husband and does the woman you’re dating have the qualities to esteem you in your leading?
All great questions to consider BEFORE marriage. The author normalized breaking things off (even engagements) if any red flags come up during the dating process. I think it’s very important for people to know that.
He even takes into consideration our current culture, mentioning things like dating apps and using discernment there.
Overall I think this book is very helpful and well-written.
Read this book if you are:
-A single person who desires marriage
-Parent of older teens wanting to help them lay a biblical foundation for dating and marriage
-Married and counsel singles often
Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage by Sam Andreades is the perfect mix of a book filled with scripture and real life stories to offer wisdom in what things to take into consideration as one sets out to find a husband/wife.
The author’s tone is very conversational and this made the book easy to get through. I love how he basically is charging the reader to ask questions about their search for a spouse instead of giving a list of rules and formula to finding a spouse that the reader must do.
Many books or articles on the subject of dating can be daunting and borderline legalism. This book is not like that thankfully.
He uses gender and the roles of husband and wife laid out in scripture a lot in this book. If you’re a woman can you joyfully see yourself submitting to the man you are dating? If you are a male, can you lead as a husband and does the woman you’re dating have the qualities to esteem you in your leading?
All great questions to consider BEFORE marriage. The author normalized breaking things off (even engagements) if any red flags come up during the dating process. I think it’s very important for people to know that.
He even takes into consideration our current culture, mentioning things like dating apps and using discernment there.
Overall I think this book is very helpful and well-written.
Read this book if you are:
-A single person who desires marriage
-Parent of older teens wanting to help them lay a biblical foundation for dating and marriage
-Married and counsel singles often
March 4, 2023
DNF I read the first few chapters but just couldn’t make myself finish. I’m definitely not the intended audience here.
The first thing that really got to me were the several pages of lecture on why it isn’t okay to have sex before marriage. I don’t need to be guilt tripped for my past and then basically told that even though God can redeem me, I’m still going to have all these memories that will very much so negatively affect my future marriage. Are you kidding me? That is not the way to talk about this.
The second thing was the very long teaching on the Trinity and gender. It was a very uncomfortable theological teaching. I came to understand the author’s background, but I didn’t see the point on dissecting the Trinity and the descriptions given. I also didn’t see the point of going on for pages and pages on how gender is a good thing.
With both of those teachings, I closed the book. Both of those points could have been made in a paragraph each, not two entire chapters.
Which is why I say I’m not the intended audience. Maybe some people are passionate about these things and really need that teaching. I’m not one of them. It sounds like the author has helped a lot of people with their relationships. That’s awesome. But all it did was shame me, confirm my fears, and make me feel uncomfortable with God.
The first thing that really got to me were the several pages of lecture on why it isn’t okay to have sex before marriage. I don’t need to be guilt tripped for my past and then basically told that even though God can redeem me, I’m still going to have all these memories that will very much so negatively affect my future marriage. Are you kidding me? That is not the way to talk about this.
The second thing was the very long teaching on the Trinity and gender. It was a very uncomfortable theological teaching. I came to understand the author’s background, but I didn’t see the point on dissecting the Trinity and the descriptions given. I also didn’t see the point of going on for pages and pages on how gender is a good thing.
With both of those teachings, I closed the book. Both of those points could have been made in a paragraph each, not two entire chapters.
Which is why I say I’m not the intended audience. Maybe some people are passionate about these things and really need that teaching. I’m not one of them. It sounds like the author has helped a lot of people with their relationships. That’s awesome. But all it did was shame me, confirm my fears, and make me feel uncomfortable with God.
September 12, 2024
I found this book to be practical and hopeful! However, in my case Part 1 was not *as* helpful to me…since I was already seriously dating. I wanted to know more serious questions about dating to marriage. Discerning if this was final. As Christian women, we were taught to find this ideal man that basically equals Jesus. He should love like Him, but he will never be Christ. I found myself asking, “Then what do I look for? What do I forgive? What are other deal breakers besides issues of large significance? When do you say someone is growing vs in deep error? Etc.”
Sam Andreades gives a realistic view of how both male and female should approach dating. There are so many good questions, points of character to note, and things to check for yourself. It helped me relax so much as I went on to find my mate and develop my relationship. In a world full of “Marriage is the worst. The divorce rate is high! Don’t do it!” you can feel like it’s manageable, and you don’t need to feel afraid of the outside voices whether they’re outside or inside the church.
Marriage is a process of leaving one family to start another…are you ready and willing to do so? (Yes? Yay!) Can you give them up when you find out it’s not them, but you just can’t so you keep going…it just feels too good? (No? Yikes!). Are you both heading and desiring to go in the right direction? (Yes? Yay!). You won’t be perfect, but if you see a teachable person who already has many of the traits in the book…there is hope you’re on the right track. Enjoy the 12 questions! 👀☺️
Sam Andreades gives a realistic view of how both male and female should approach dating. There are so many good questions, points of character to note, and things to check for yourself. It helped me relax so much as I went on to find my mate and develop my relationship. In a world full of “Marriage is the worst. The divorce rate is high! Don’t do it!” you can feel like it’s manageable, and you don’t need to feel afraid of the outside voices whether they’re outside or inside the church.
Marriage is a process of leaving one family to start another…are you ready and willing to do so? (Yes? Yay!) Can you give them up when you find out it’s not them, but you just can’t so you keep going…it just feels too good? (No? Yikes!). Are you both heading and desiring to go in the right direction? (Yes? Yay!). You won’t be perfect, but if you see a teachable person who already has many of the traits in the book…there is hope you’re on the right track. Enjoy the 12 questions! 👀☺️
July 22, 2022
While I stuck with this book, this book did not answer the question that I wanted it to answer. Now, this should have been obvious, but I thought it might cover something on the subject that I desire. That topic was how does one figure out whether their vocation is marriage? Do you know before dating? Do you know while dating? Similar to what the book described, I believe dating should be done with purpose, which is marriage and that marriage purpose is for the glory of God. That is why I question whether it is appropriate to try and date just to find out if marriage is your vocation. The book did not really answer that question and I actually got mix-messaging on the subject of marriage, which I will discuss later.
Who is this book for?
Obviously, this book is for Christians, but it is for a certain type of Christians. I would say non-denominational at the very least and maybe Protestant at the most. For Catholics, I would not necessarily recommend it, because it disregards that being single is a choice as well as Holy Orders for men. (While women can become sisters/nuns, that is not a sacrament and therefore not a vocation as far as I recall). There is also some theology that I am not sure if it is sound in the Catholic tradition. Page 186-187 is good illustration of that, because it disregards Mary's role in the redemption story that is also backed up by the Bible. I have more to say on that subject, but that will take me onto a tangent that is not really related to this book.
Theology and the Bible
The angle on gender is fascinating and it made some sense, but it was also bit uncomfortable when talking about the Trinity. While I have sat during homilies, where the priests talk about the intimacy of the Trinity, but Sam A. Andreades took this topic WAY beyond anything I have ever heard. That made me question its legitimacy. I was also a bit uncomfortable on referring to the Trinity as a whole as "Themself". While on one hand it makes sense for there are literally multiple persons, on the other hand pronouns hasn't really been used when referring to the Trinity or the 3 Persons as a unit.
Singlehood
In the Catholic tradition, you may never get marry and that is okay. This book I felt gave mix-messaging. I do not remember where it was now, but there was sentence that made it sound like marriage is the endgame at some point. On page 246, it mentioned that you may never get marry, due to God's jealousy for you. That is different. Also, it was not explicit whether this part was also talking about men, due to the previous comparison to Jane Austen and Jane Eyre. Also, the phrasing "But if you find no match..." sounds like being single is not another viable path on bringing glory to God. I feel like if we are talking about discernment then being single should be part of the discussion.
Verdict: I think the concept of gender and the roles that play out make sense to some degree. It is a little awkward when the author was talking about the firstborn, because I am technically my parents' firstborn and I am female. I think this book is food for thought is useful to a degree for some people, but it may not all be that useful for Christians that subscribe to a certain denomination.
Who is this book for?
Obviously, this book is for Christians, but it is for a certain type of Christians. I would say non-denominational at the very least and maybe Protestant at the most. For Catholics, I would not necessarily recommend it, because it disregards that being single is a choice as well as Holy Orders for men. (While women can become sisters/nuns, that is not a sacrament and therefore not a vocation as far as I recall). There is also some theology that I am not sure if it is sound in the Catholic tradition. Page 186-187 is good illustration of that, because it disregards Mary's role in the redemption story that is also backed up by the Bible. I have more to say on that subject, but that will take me onto a tangent that is not really related to this book.
Theology and the Bible
The angle on gender is fascinating and it made some sense, but it was also bit uncomfortable when talking about the Trinity. While I have sat during homilies, where the priests talk about the intimacy of the Trinity, but Sam A. Andreades took this topic WAY beyond anything I have ever heard. That made me question its legitimacy. I was also a bit uncomfortable on referring to the Trinity as a whole as "Themself". While on one hand it makes sense for there are literally multiple persons, on the other hand pronouns hasn't really been used when referring to the Trinity or the 3 Persons as a unit.
Singlehood
In the Catholic tradition, you may never get marry and that is okay. This book I felt gave mix-messaging. I do not remember where it was now, but there was sentence that made it sound like marriage is the endgame at some point. On page 246, it mentioned that you may never get marry, due to God's jealousy for you. That is different. Also, it was not explicit whether this part was also talking about men, due to the previous comparison to Jane Austen and Jane Eyre. Also, the phrasing "But if you find no match..." sounds like being single is not another viable path on bringing glory to God. I feel like if we are talking about discernment then being single should be part of the discussion.
Verdict: I think the concept of gender and the roles that play out make sense to some degree. It is a little awkward when the author was talking about the firstborn, because I am technically my parents' firstborn and I am female. I think this book is food for thought is useful to a degree for some people, but it may not all be that useful for Christians that subscribe to a certain denomination.
November 3, 2021
I'd largely sworn off Christian dating books for years since I really don't find them all that helpful, but some people were saying that this book was different, so I thought I'd look at it given some of the endorsements it received.
The book ended up being a strange hybrid of the good, the bad, and the bizarre. Its major "selling point" so to speak from other dating books is that it's looking at the subject through the lens of gender. Sometimes that leads to some good insights about the general differences between what men and women are looking for in a spouse. Sometimes that leads to way too many extrapolations and reliance on stereotypes. And then occasionally the bizarre kicks in with examples like the one where Andreades suggested it was a mistake for a couple to get married because her dad had been having bad dreams about it. (Seriously--perhaps there were other factors at play, but the only reason Andreades gives for the dad's concerns is that he was having bad dreams.)
At the end of the day, this book renewed my previous belief that the only book on dating worth reading is How to Not Fall in Love with a Jerk. Most other books on the subject don't end up being all that helpful. And, as was the case with this book, they too often end up being a jumped up bag.
The book ended up being a strange hybrid of the good, the bad, and the bizarre. Its major "selling point" so to speak from other dating books is that it's looking at the subject through the lens of gender. Sometimes that leads to some good insights about the general differences between what men and women are looking for in a spouse. Sometimes that leads to way too many extrapolations and reliance on stereotypes. And then occasionally the bizarre kicks in with examples like the one where Andreades suggested it was a mistake for a couple to get married because her dad had been having bad dreams about it. (Seriously--perhaps there were other factors at play, but the only reason Andreades gives for the dad's concerns is that he was having bad dreams.)
At the end of the day, this book renewed my previous belief that the only book on dating worth reading is How to Not Fall in Love with a Jerk. Most other books on the subject don't end up being all that helpful. And, as was the case with this book, they too often end up being a jumped up bag.
March 30, 2023
In this book, Andreades provides some helpful principles and diagnostic questions for those who are in or are pursuing a dating relationship. The strength of the book was definitely the diagnostic questions to ask of yourself and your date. These were fantastic.
However, I do think there is a glaring issue in the way the author repeatedly used the inner life of the Trinity as an analogy for gendered relationships, such as dating and marriage. We must be very careful when we compare marriage to the eternal relations of the Father and the Son since scripture does not make this connection. Andreades comes very close to describing a social trinitarian model. He also applies theological words (e.g. homoousios) to the marital relationship in a way I believe stretches the scope of those words in an unhelpful way. Doing so blurs the clarity they are meant to provide in helping us know our God.
Nevertheless, there we’re some helpful practical tidbits. And I loved how the author returned often to the gospel.
However, I do think there is a glaring issue in the way the author repeatedly used the inner life of the Trinity as an analogy for gendered relationships, such as dating and marriage. We must be very careful when we compare marriage to the eternal relations of the Father and the Son since scripture does not make this connection. Andreades comes very close to describing a social trinitarian model. He also applies theological words (e.g. homoousios) to the marital relationship in a way I believe stretches the scope of those words in an unhelpful way. Doing so blurs the clarity they are meant to provide in helping us know our God.
Nevertheless, there we’re some helpful practical tidbits. And I loved how the author returned often to the gospel.
December 28, 2024
I read this book recently after finding it at my local Reformed bookstore, and glad I did because it was great! I liked how Andreades focused the book on, really, just three core fundamental questions for men and women to each ask themselves of their significant other, and of themselves. The questions were very Biblical, centred around how God tells us a married man and woman are to relate to one another, and intended to help readers wisely choose a spouse. In this way, he avoided the weeds of, let’s say, secondary issues, and focuses readers on what really matters. That was excellent. It’s a little up in the air for me whether his analogies about gender within marriage that he draws from the Trinity are all legit - on one hand, they sometimes seem like a stretch, and one doesn’t want to mess around with the doctrine of the Trinity. On the other hand, his Scriptural support for his rationale seemed pretty sound, and Dr Joel Beeke endorsed the book so, eh, that’s a good sign. Maybe I’ll ask one of my pastors one of these days. Altogether, 4.5 stars out of 5!
April 24, 2023
I think this is probably the most helpful book that I’ve read about dating from a Christian perspective.
I appreciate that it approaches this whole monster of dating from a gendered perspective, which I don’t believe a lot of books do. Therefore, it doesn’t offer very specific questions, but rather asks more general questions that hit at the character and role of each gender. While I’m not sure if I agree 100% with the interpretation of the Trinity and how that relates to our gendered relationships, I would highly recommend this book and the principles it promotes to anyone thinking about dating.
I appreciate that it approaches this whole monster of dating from a gendered perspective, which I don’t believe a lot of books do. Therefore, it doesn’t offer very specific questions, but rather asks more general questions that hit at the character and role of each gender. While I’m not sure if I agree 100% with the interpretation of the Trinity and how that relates to our gendered relationships, I would highly recommend this book and the principles it promotes to anyone thinking about dating.
April 25, 2023
Excellent book on dating! I appreciated the author's approach to dating.
February 8, 2024
I didn’t actively DISlike this book but the things I actually took away from it would fit on a post it note. Sorry Lana
October 11, 2024
This book makes you rethink what dating is really meant for and asks serious questions that will make you reconsider the ease of having a relationship.
December 6, 2021
Around the holidays, dating seems to be a hot topic for discussion. But how can we have wisdom in whom we choose to pursue? How can we be smart about searching for a significant other? In Dating with Discernment, Sam A. Andreades asks 12 questions to make a lasting marriage.
Worldview and Relationships
Interestingly, the book begins with a chapter on “How to Break Up,” in which Andreades offers seven steps to have a good breakup. His rationale is that “you must be ready to not be married so you can have a good marriage.”
While it is a startling way to open the book, it is also one that is tinged with hope. For Christians, Christ is enough—and he will help us as we find our future spouse. Worldview and relationships set the foundation for dating, and Andreades shows how Christianity—and the doctrine of the Trinity—give warrant and respect for the process. The book then gets into the meatier questions, and what I appreciated most was the way the questions are paralleled for both men and women.
The first set of questions are outward focused, looking at what your future spouse can provide: (1) “Can He Secure Me? / Can She Give Me Rest?” (2) “Can He Take Charge for Us? / Can She Esteem Me? and (3) “Does He Have the Mission for Us?” / Can She Empower Our Journey?”
The book then turns the tables, looking inwardly at what you can be for your significant other: “(1) Can I Secure Her? / Can I Give Him Rest?” (2) “Can I Take Charge for Her? / Can I Esteem Him?” and (3) “Is There a Mission for Us Together? / Can I Empower Our Journey?”
Life in the Future, Together
The book is tethered to complementarian theology, referencing the headship of Christ and his role of leadership over the Church. The book is also practical, asking pointed questions such as “Does she have a devotional life?” and “Have I matured enough as a man to have my own opinions?”
At around 250 pages, this book is a gem. While Andreades offers stories and pop-culture references, he reasons with Scripture and writes with wisdom. A Scripture Index is included, with over 50 books of the Bible referenced.
What I most appreciated was the future-orientation of the book. While dating relationships are typically focused on the present moment, marriage necessitates a proper understanding and outlook for life in the future. God’s purposes are at the forefront, and calling for a life on mission made me think about how God sanctifies, serves, supports, and sends us out together with our spouses. This book is filled with invaluable wisdom, with ideas that can chart the course of your life.
United with Christ
Before ending with an appendix that includes forty helpful first-date questions, the book concludes with the fact that all Christians are guaranteed a wedding day when Christ returns. It’s a thought that gives hope to those who are dating, but also strength to those who might never marry. But until that day, we can have discernment in who we date. This book grounds us in reality, anchors us in Scripture, and unites us with Christ.
I received a media copy of Dating with Discernment and this is my honest review.
Worldview and Relationships
Interestingly, the book begins with a chapter on “How to Break Up,” in which Andreades offers seven steps to have a good breakup. His rationale is that “you must be ready to not be married so you can have a good marriage.”
While it is a startling way to open the book, it is also one that is tinged with hope. For Christians, Christ is enough—and he will help us as we find our future spouse. Worldview and relationships set the foundation for dating, and Andreades shows how Christianity—and the doctrine of the Trinity—give warrant and respect for the process. The book then gets into the meatier questions, and what I appreciated most was the way the questions are paralleled for both men and women.
The first set of questions are outward focused, looking at what your future spouse can provide: (1) “Can He Secure Me? / Can She Give Me Rest?” (2) “Can He Take Charge for Us? / Can She Esteem Me? and (3) “Does He Have the Mission for Us?” / Can She Empower Our Journey?”
The book then turns the tables, looking inwardly at what you can be for your significant other: “(1) Can I Secure Her? / Can I Give Him Rest?” (2) “Can I Take Charge for Her? / Can I Esteem Him?” and (3) “Is There a Mission for Us Together? / Can I Empower Our Journey?”
Life in the Future, Together
The book is tethered to complementarian theology, referencing the headship of Christ and his role of leadership over the Church. The book is also practical, asking pointed questions such as “Does she have a devotional life?” and “Have I matured enough as a man to have my own opinions?”
At around 250 pages, this book is a gem. While Andreades offers stories and pop-culture references, he reasons with Scripture and writes with wisdom. A Scripture Index is included, with over 50 books of the Bible referenced.
What I most appreciated was the future-orientation of the book. While dating relationships are typically focused on the present moment, marriage necessitates a proper understanding and outlook for life in the future. God’s purposes are at the forefront, and calling for a life on mission made me think about how God sanctifies, serves, supports, and sends us out together with our spouses. This book is filled with invaluable wisdom, with ideas that can chart the course of your life.
United with Christ
Before ending with an appendix that includes forty helpful first-date questions, the book concludes with the fact that all Christians are guaranteed a wedding day when Christ returns. It’s a thought that gives hope to those who are dating, but also strength to those who might never marry. But until that day, we can have discernment in who we date. This book grounds us in reality, anchors us in Scripture, and unites us with Christ.
I received a media copy of Dating with Discernment and this is my honest review.
April 6, 2022
Dating With Discernment is a very helpful read for Christian singles navigating dating in the modern world. There were many aspects of this book I enjoyed and I wish this resource would have been available during my single years. The author, Sam A. Andreades, writes in a way that is biblical and wise. I appreciated that rather than manipulating Scripture to create prescriptive rules for dating, Andreades provides readers with the same freedom as the Bible and provides many questions for consideration. The book does seem to have a complementarian tone to it and although I'm generally not a fan of either complementarianism or egalitarianism, the tone is very generous and gracious. Andreades did an excellent job of remaining biblically faithful.
One example of this is in how he writes about the division of labor in the home between a husband and wife and in how he addresses women working outside of the home. While explaining that many women prefer to be stay at home moms, Andreades acknowledges, " . . . When you have children, your perspective tends to change. You develop a focus on the hearth. This draw does not prohibit work outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 businesses and charities and Paul's word choice in Titus 2 acknowledge," (pg. 180). I really appreciated this insight and wish this was something I would have understood in the earlier years of my marriage. I also really enjoyed the emphasis Andreades had on unity within marriages. It was neat to learn about how Aquila and Priscilla are described and to note Andreades' observation that, ". . . the fact that biblical authors will only mention them together will only say that 'they' took Apollos aside and corrected him (v. 26), rather than just 'she,' suggests a co-mission together in their marriage," (pg. 231).
Along with providing biblically faithful advice for dating, the book begins by acknowledging the hard but painful truth that dating relationships don't always end the way we hope they do. Although this may seem like a discouraging way to begin a book on dating, I actually found it helpful. It seems that there is an unnecessary pressure on Christian dating relationships to always result in marriage and that is simply unrealistic. I wish I would have been more aware of this notion during my dating days but I'm grateful to Andreades for addressing it. The book also contains many real examples of Christian dating relationships that resulted in marriage and some that didn't. It was interesting to explore these examples and consider the wisdom that could be drawn from each one.
Dating With Discernment is a helpful read and although I am married, I still found myself benefitting from the book. This is a resource I plan to have close at hand for single friends who are navigating the world of dating and looking for godly guidance. If you are a Christ follower navigating dating, I highly recommend purchasing a copy and considering the questions and content of the book as you pursue marriage.
I received Dating With Discernment compliments of Cruciform Press in exchange for my honest review.
One example of this is in how he writes about the division of labor in the home between a husband and wife and in how he addresses women working outside of the home. While explaining that many women prefer to be stay at home moms, Andreades acknowledges, " . . . When you have children, your perspective tends to change. You develop a focus on the hearth. This draw does not prohibit work outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 businesses and charities and Paul's word choice in Titus 2 acknowledge," (pg. 180). I really appreciated this insight and wish this was something I would have understood in the earlier years of my marriage. I also really enjoyed the emphasis Andreades had on unity within marriages. It was neat to learn about how Aquila and Priscilla are described and to note Andreades' observation that, ". . . the fact that biblical authors will only mention them together will only say that 'they' took Apollos aside and corrected him (v. 26), rather than just 'she,' suggests a co-mission together in their marriage," (pg. 231).
Along with providing biblically faithful advice for dating, the book begins by acknowledging the hard but painful truth that dating relationships don't always end the way we hope they do. Although this may seem like a discouraging way to begin a book on dating, I actually found it helpful. It seems that there is an unnecessary pressure on Christian dating relationships to always result in marriage and that is simply unrealistic. I wish I would have been more aware of this notion during my dating days but I'm grateful to Andreades for addressing it. The book also contains many real examples of Christian dating relationships that resulted in marriage and some that didn't. It was interesting to explore these examples and consider the wisdom that could be drawn from each one.
Dating With Discernment is a helpful read and although I am married, I still found myself benefitting from the book. This is a resource I plan to have close at hand for single friends who are navigating the world of dating and looking for godly guidance. If you are a Christ follower navigating dating, I highly recommend purchasing a copy and considering the questions and content of the book as you pursue marriage.
I received Dating With Discernment compliments of Cruciform Press in exchange for my honest review.
January 5, 2025
This was a good book in thinking through relationships. The author asked several questions to get the reader thinking about what value men and women bring to relationships when approached in a godly way.
These are the questions:
1. Rest and Security
Men- Does she bring you rest, perhaps in a way you haven't known before? Can her words, he deeds, or simply her presence be a home for you?
Women- Does he make you secure in what he does, or do you think he could?
2. Honor and Care
Men- Do you think she can honor you? Can she put you forward as a head? Is she ever able to surrender prerogative to you?
Women- Does he take charge for your care and development? Is he able to step forward in responsibility for your sake?
3. Leading and Supporting the Mission
Men-
Does this woman have the divine spark to move your co-mission forward? Can she fit and empower what you see as God's standout purposes?
Women- Can this man lead in the mission you will have together? Can he find out why it is that God brought you together and what you should be doing for the kingdom of heaven on earth?
There is also a list of 40 good ice-breaker questions to get to know someone in the appendix.
These are the questions:
1. Rest and Security
Men- Does she bring you rest, perhaps in a way you haven't known before? Can her words, he deeds, or simply her presence be a home for you?
Women- Does he make you secure in what he does, or do you think he could?
2. Honor and Care
Men- Do you think she can honor you? Can she put you forward as a head? Is she ever able to surrender prerogative to you?
Women- Does he take charge for your care and development? Is he able to step forward in responsibility for your sake?
3. Leading and Supporting the Mission
Men-
Does this woman have the divine spark to move your co-mission forward? Can she fit and empower what you see as God's standout purposes?
Women- Can this man lead in the mission you will have together? Can he find out why it is that God brought you together and what you should be doing for the kingdom of heaven on earth?
There is also a list of 40 good ice-breaker questions to get to know someone in the appendix.
October 14, 2024
3.5 ⭐️
There were a lot of good things in this book that I agreed with. But it's not one of my favorite books on this topic and I would recommend a few others above this one.
I think the main reason I didn't love this book was personal preference - I just didn't really like the author's writing style myself. But the other part that felt a bit weird to me was how he talked about the Trinity - not in the way you may be thinking, because his beliefs about the Trinity seemed to line up with the Bible - but I found it weird that he used "Themself" to describe the three persons of the Trinity throughout the book. Maybe I'm sensitive to that word because of the pronoun craze that's happening in our world today, but it just didn't feel quite right to me.
There were some very encouraging thoughts, and good questions to ask about yourself and your date in a relationship. So overall, I would not dissuade anyone from reading this book, I just wouldn't actively recommend it as much as others. :)
There were a lot of good things in this book that I agreed with. But it's not one of my favorite books on this topic and I would recommend a few others above this one.
I think the main reason I didn't love this book was personal preference - I just didn't really like the author's writing style myself. But the other part that felt a bit weird to me was how he talked about the Trinity - not in the way you may be thinking, because his beliefs about the Trinity seemed to line up with the Bible - but I found it weird that he used "Themself" to describe the three persons of the Trinity throughout the book. Maybe I'm sensitive to that word because of the pronoun craze that's happening in our world today, but it just didn't feel quite right to me.
There were some very encouraging thoughts, and good questions to ask about yourself and your date in a relationship. So overall, I would not dissuade anyone from reading this book, I just wouldn't actively recommend it as much as others. :)
November 20, 2022
I picked up Andreades's "Dating with Discernment" hoping it would be a great resource for my teens. While I might pass it on, I was mostly disappointed with Andreadas's take perspective.
Andreades's book feels very much like something John Eldredge would write. So, if Eldredge is your guy, then you're going to really appreciate this book. Andreades doesn't make much of a case for his particular vision of complementarity in marriage, which made me even more squeamish.
That said, I really like the idea of having those who are walking into dating approach dating with a perspective that is neither too flippant nor too serious and sets them up for a healthy marriage. To that end, I don't know of another great book, so my hunch is I will have my kids read it, but I plan on being more proactive in reading it with them.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
Andreades's book feels very much like something John Eldredge would write. So, if Eldredge is your guy, then you're going to really appreciate this book. Andreades doesn't make much of a case for his particular vision of complementarity in marriage, which made me even more squeamish.
That said, I really like the idea of having those who are walking into dating approach dating with a perspective that is neither too flippant nor too serious and sets them up for a healthy marriage. To that end, I don't know of another great book, so my hunch is I will have my kids read it, but I plan on being more proactive in reading it with them.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
February 8, 2023
This book is rooted in Biblical truth and thoroughly explains the role of genders in relationships. I could’ve done with less “example” stories and cheesiness at times, but overall I would recommend this book!
June 9, 2023
This was a really helpful book. Lots of practical advice, true life stories, and rooted in Biblical and confessional Reformed doctrine, creatively applied to our culture. I'm a little nervous about some of the Trinitarian theology/applications, but am still researching these issues.
April 26, 2025
Dating as Christians is challenging and confusing, and this book offers some sound counsel. The first chapter on breaking up is solid! Andreades gives thoughtful and helpful questions for dating, especially focusing on biblical gender roles. This is a wise and gracious view of dating!
January 8, 2023
This book really labours and repeats some points too much but generally the principles contained in it are helpful and the advice good.
July 10, 2025
Helpful in its practicality and applications but needs to be careful when taking on gender through the lens of the Trinity
January 21, 2025
This book is excellent for overthinkers! I find the modern reformed Christian dating scene to be full of landmines. Perhaps we are so eager to guard our hearts and avoid leading anybody on EVER, that we forget about the sovereignty of God. We are to pray for wisdom, act with discernment and… have fun.
Some key ideas:
(1) We’re all deeply loved by God, and we’re all going to be married (eternally and for some, earthside).
(2) Dating is risky but that’s the nature of it. Have fun! Don’t freak out!
(3) Sam Andreades asks some really good Qs specific to gender (For women: can he secure me? Does he have a mission for us? For men: can she empower our journey? Can she give me rest?)
Some key ideas:
(1) We’re all deeply loved by God, and we’re all going to be married (eternally and for some, earthside).
(2) Dating is risky but that’s the nature of it. Have fun! Don’t freak out!
(3) Sam Andreades asks some really good Qs specific to gender (For women: can he secure me? Does he have a mission for us? For men: can she empower our journey? Can she give me rest?)
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