Innocence Lost: A Memoir

by Debra McLain

I remember the exact year my eating disorder started. In 1981, I bought two books at the school book ‘The Best Little Girl in the World’ by Steven Levenkron, and ‘Second Star to the Right’ by Deborah Hautzig.These two books changed my life, and not for the better. For a teenager with traumas, they became ‘how to destroy myself’ guidebooks. To be fair, the books did not give me anorexia. They just motivated me to do what I already wanted to do...Have control over at least one thing in my life.I was in my junior year of high school and Mom had just married husband number five. With every one of her marriages, I was pushed further down on her list of priorities...At first, I lost weight for attention. That changed as soon as I realized Mom did not care. Starvation became a way to punish myself for being unworthy of love...Or as my brother would say, for being a complete waste of space.‘Innocence Lost - a Memoir', shares a glimpse into the life of a girl who starved herself in an attempt to gain some sort of control over her life. Debra bought her first diary at the age of 12 and has continued to journal throughout her adult life.'Innocence Lost' contains entries from these diary's as well as 33 poems about a woman who needed to discover her worth.I AmI have been a victim,of every type of abuse.Neglect from a mother,who turned a blind eye,an innocent child,was tainted and used.I have been raped and tortured,my body preferred death,I continued to live,with each gasping breath.I have grieved so often,my soul is branded with pain.I have loved with a fire,then burned by the flames.Brought down to my knees,I was never the same.All of these lessons,are a part of me.I am stronger,a warrior came to be.I am a survivor,of life's cruelest games.I am no longer a woman,who hides my head in shame.I am not perfect,I do not expect to be.I mess up, I am sorry.There is a wounded little girl,who wants to be free.It took me awhile,but I finally see.I Am worthy.

183 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 18, 2021