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Stepmother: Redeeming a Disdained Vocation
Every year hundreds of thousands of American women become stepmothers. Committing to partners who are already parents, we gain relationships with young people who may--or may not--be pleased by our presence. When Dorothy Bass married a man with a four-year-old daughter, she was hesitant to embrace the title "stepmother," with its many negative cultural associations, and she soon realized she had very little sense of what this new role required of her. In Stepmother , Bass explores the complex emotional, material, and spiritual terrain we share with our stepchildren, and with their other parents. Bringing together insights from sociology, history, clinical studies, and literature, she unpacks practical questions to help readers explore the deeper What is my definition of home? How does this relationship affect all the other relationships in this family? And how do I deal with the emotional triangles of stepfamily life? Bass centers us on the work to be done in our own hearts, where spiritual strength can grow and love can be intentionally built, bringing peace and hope instead of scarcity and competition. By being honest about our own pain and the pain of others, we open ourselves to the love and mercy often born from unexpected relationships. It is here that we make way for constructive family dynamics.
202 pages, Hardcover
Published April 19, 2022
9 people want to read
About the author
Dorothy C. Bass
16 books8 followersDorothy C. Bass is a writer, noted church historian, and director of the Valparaiso Project on the Education and Formation of People in Faith.
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
July 31, 2022
Being a step mother for 5 yrs but knowing my step kids for 11yrs.. I am thankful for the information from this book... To understand the boundaries of being a step mother in the 21st century.. to understand that I'm not alone in the world of feeling particular emotions during times of helping raising two children who are not biological mine.. that only bonds us is only our last night at times of discomfort
November 28, 2022
A Beautiful Blend of Memoir and Scholarship
If you know the work of Dorothy Bass, you know that she writes theologically profound, practical, words for clergy and lay audiences alike. This book fits that genre, but it may be the most personal and vulnerable of her works to date. As a stepmother herself, Bass has a keen sensitivity to the profoundly negative mythology surrounding the label as well as lived experience of the pitfalls and rewards of this delicately balanced role.
With probing honesty about the potential for competition, jealousy, and misunderstanding that can easily become reality, Bass nevertheless brings the reader to a place of peace by the end of the book. She does so not with "cheap grace" but with hard-won grace that points to one of her theological foundations, Grace itself.
Another theological foundation, vocation, makes its appearance in the final chapters of the book. You don't have to be a Lutheran, or even a Christian, to learn from this book. You don't even have to be a stepmother!
Be sure to read the notes at the end of the book, the distillation of many years of scholarship. Writing for lay audiences in a winsome way is a vocation that requires grace. Bass is an exemplar of both.
If you know the work of Dorothy Bass, you know that she writes theologically profound, practical, words for clergy and lay audiences alike. This book fits that genre, but it may be the most personal and vulnerable of her works to date. As a stepmother herself, Bass has a keen sensitivity to the profoundly negative mythology surrounding the label as well as lived experience of the pitfalls and rewards of this delicately balanced role.
With probing honesty about the potential for competition, jealousy, and misunderstanding that can easily become reality, Bass nevertheless brings the reader to a place of peace by the end of the book. She does so not with "cheap grace" but with hard-won grace that points to one of her theological foundations, Grace itself.
Another theological foundation, vocation, makes its appearance in the final chapters of the book. You don't have to be a Lutheran, or even a Christian, to learn from this book. You don't even have to be a stepmother!
Be sure to read the notes at the end of the book, the distillation of many years of scholarship. Writing for lay audiences in a winsome way is a vocation that requires grace. Bass is an exemplar of both.
April 17, 2022
To be a stepparent is not easy. I've never been one, but I've been a step-child. I was a teen when my mother married my stepfather. It wasn't easy! My father also remarried after my parents were divorced, but I never met his wife until I was heading off to seminary after college. My brother, on the other hand, would visit as he's five years younger.
When it comes to stepmothers, they seem to have it harder. Perhaps it's because mothers have traditionally been the family caregivers. So how does a stepmother fit in? The fact that we often envision stepmothers being evil -- see Cinderella and Snow White -- doesn't help. The reality is, that families are changing and stepparenting is increasing. The reason for this is often complicated, even in the best of situations. The subtitle of this particular book is indicative of the situation at hand. It speaks of "Redeeming a Disdained Vocation."
Dorothy Bass, a well-known writer and teacher of practical theology, is a stepparent. So she knows what this involves. She knows both the joys and the heartaches that come with the territory. She became a stepparent in her 30s after an earlier divorce. She married a man who had also divorced and who had a daughter from his first marriage. The two of them would have children of their own, but this book isn't about them. It's about Bass's relationship with her stepdaughter and her stepdaughter's mother.
This is a very personal book because Bass speaks of her own desires and feelings. She shares how others perceived her relationship with her stepdaughter, including the question of identity. She quickly came to love Kristen (she has chosen not to use her stepdaughter's real name in this account and the same is true for Kristen's mother, who is known here as Bekka). There are questions about her role. The calls the word stepmother the "ugly word." It suggests a secondary status in a relationship, a sense of ultimately being an outsider. After all, she's not the mother of Kristen, though she performs parental duties. Then there is the question of home. Where is Kristen's home? They chose to embrace her mother's home as home. These are important because they are designed not to confuse the child. Yet, there are times when feelings get hurt. Yes, and there is jealousy.
Bass walks us through her life with Kristen and Kristen's mother (as well as with her husband). The penultimate chapter is an important one because it speaks of "Mercy." The fact that one becomes a stepparent means that there is some form of brokenness in the situation. It might be the death of a spouse leading to remarriage or it might be divorce, whatever the case, it is good when mercy enters the picture. So, Bass writes that "when we listen carefully, it's just possible that we'll detect small notes of love breaking through the ambient noise of our messy relationships. These notes are worth noticing" (p. 169). So when this happens, then there's the possibility of finding healing, hope, and friendship.
The final chapter is titled "Vocation." It's a reflection by Dorothy Bass on her calling to be a stepmother. So she writes that "being a stepmother is not a role into which I was cast after turning out for auditions. It is a vocation into which I was called. It is a place of responsibility, located within a family and the larger society, where I am positioned to contribute to the well-being of others" (p. 185). That is a vocation of love.
I would hope this book gets read by stepmothers, but also people like me who serve as clergy. Understanding what it means to be a stepmother in this time is important. The book is beautifully written and very personal.
When it comes to stepmothers, they seem to have it harder. Perhaps it's because mothers have traditionally been the family caregivers. So how does a stepmother fit in? The fact that we often envision stepmothers being evil -- see Cinderella and Snow White -- doesn't help. The reality is, that families are changing and stepparenting is increasing. The reason for this is often complicated, even in the best of situations. The subtitle of this particular book is indicative of the situation at hand. It speaks of "Redeeming a Disdained Vocation."
Dorothy Bass, a well-known writer and teacher of practical theology, is a stepparent. So she knows what this involves. She knows both the joys and the heartaches that come with the territory. She became a stepparent in her 30s after an earlier divorce. She married a man who had also divorced and who had a daughter from his first marriage. The two of them would have children of their own, but this book isn't about them. It's about Bass's relationship with her stepdaughter and her stepdaughter's mother.
This is a very personal book because Bass speaks of her own desires and feelings. She shares how others perceived her relationship with her stepdaughter, including the question of identity. She quickly came to love Kristen (she has chosen not to use her stepdaughter's real name in this account and the same is true for Kristen's mother, who is known here as Bekka). There are questions about her role. The calls the word stepmother the "ugly word." It suggests a secondary status in a relationship, a sense of ultimately being an outsider. After all, she's not the mother of Kristen, though she performs parental duties. Then there is the question of home. Where is Kristen's home? They chose to embrace her mother's home as home. These are important because they are designed not to confuse the child. Yet, there are times when feelings get hurt. Yes, and there is jealousy.
Bass walks us through her life with Kristen and Kristen's mother (as well as with her husband). The penultimate chapter is an important one because it speaks of "Mercy." The fact that one becomes a stepparent means that there is some form of brokenness in the situation. It might be the death of a spouse leading to remarriage or it might be divorce, whatever the case, it is good when mercy enters the picture. So, Bass writes that "when we listen carefully, it's just possible that we'll detect small notes of love breaking through the ambient noise of our messy relationships. These notes are worth noticing" (p. 169). So when this happens, then there's the possibility of finding healing, hope, and friendship.
The final chapter is titled "Vocation." It's a reflection by Dorothy Bass on her calling to be a stepmother. So she writes that "being a stepmother is not a role into which I was cast after turning out for auditions. It is a vocation into which I was called. It is a place of responsibility, located within a family and the larger society, where I am positioned to contribute to the well-being of others" (p. 185). That is a vocation of love.
I would hope this book gets read by stepmothers, but also people like me who serve as clergy. Understanding what it means to be a stepmother in this time is important. The book is beautifully written and very personal.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews