Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder

by Rachel Havekost

Where the River Flows is an honest, poetic, heartbreaking account of how my divorce catapulted me down a yearlong obsession to find the answer to the burning question I had every single day after my husband asked me for a divorce:

"Why?"

Was it my inability to show him love like he'd told me? Was it an old attachment wound, still unhealed and bubbling at the surface? Was it the sexual trauma I'd never resolved and carried into our marriage? Was it my very real and frequent urge to end my life?

Or was it him? Was it his lack of understanding for my mental illness? His lost patience for me as I tirelessly worked through old wounds in therapy? Stress from the yearlong motorcycle trip of his dreams that I vowed to go on, and did just after our wedding day?

As I spiraled myself around this question and fell deeper and deeper into a depression, as the binges became more intense and the purges returned for the first time in years, as the urges to die grew stronger and when I curled myself in a ball on the shower floor, banging my fists against my belly like I’d first done seventeen years before, I started to believe that what my husband said to me in our last few days together might be true:

“It's like there are three people in our marriage. You, me, and your Eating Disorder. And sometimes I think you love her more than me.”

If you or someone you know has struggled with an Eating Disorder, sexual or developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, suicidal thinking, divorce, grief, then it is my hope you will find yourself and your loved ones in the pages of this memoir.

You are not alone.

Genres: Mental Health

323 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 15, 2021

About the author

Rachel is the bestselling author of "Where the River Flows,” “Write to Heal,” and "The Inner Child Journal." Her latest release is "LOOK UP," a collection of poems and short reminders for navigating grief, uncertainty, and being human.

Along with her other titles, "The Self-Healer's Journal" and "The Grief Workbook," Rachel has single-handedly built an online social media presence with a combined 300k+ individuals devoted to de-stigmatizing mental health.

As a graduate from EWU with an M.S. in psychology, Rachel is excited to infuse her storytelling with an ongoing lens of evidence-based practices and research.

Courage, community, and connection are at the heart of Rachel's work. After 19+ years of therapy for an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and grief, Rachel strives to use radical transparency in hopes that others might not feel alone.

Her current work is centered in life after suffering: asking questions about embracing humanity, living with uncertainty, and allowing for ease after periods of strife. She is quickly amassing a readership on her Substack Publication, “The Messy Middle,” where she writes weekly newsletters about living imperfectly and showing up messy.

Recently, Rachel has attended Harvard’s first Mental Health Creator’s Summit, given keynotes across the world including 988's Global Crisis Conference in Amsterdam, and received praise from New York Time’s mental health journalist Ellen Barry for her memoir. She is grateful and honored to be able to share her story and support others on their journey to joyful living.

Reviews

[Laura Grevina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ļoti savādi bija lasīt šo grāmatu, jo tā ir gandrīz 1:1 par kādu posmu manā dzīvē. Par šķiršanos, sava iekšējā bērna dziedināšanu, par dzīvi ar ēšanas traucējumiem…Vienīgais, kas manā un autores dzīvē atšķiras ir tas, ka mans ex vīrs nebrauca ar moci + autorei nav bērnu.
Savā ziņā grāmatu lasīt bija garlaicīgi, jo aptuveni varēju paredzēt visu, kas tajā notiks, un mana pieredze ir pārāk līdzīga autores pieredzei, lai būtu aizraujoši to lasīt.
Šis ir pieredzes stāsts par sevis iepazīšanu, ļaušanu būt sev pašai. Par to, kā izirst ilgtermiņa attiecības, jo ir grūti būt turpināt būt kopā, kad sāc dziedēt savas iekšējās traumas, un nevēlies vairs pielāgoties un izdabāt citiem tikai, lai justos vērtīgs un atzīts.
Grāmata par to, cik grūti ir “pārtraukt draudzību” ar ēšanas traucējumiem, kas ir daļa no Tevis paša un Tavas būtības. Tās nav vienkāršas attiecības, tās ir toksiskas attiecības, bet ir tik grūti tās palaist vaļā.
Ja šīs tēmas ir aktuālas, tad šī grāmata var būt kā labs draugs ar ko aprunāties un justies saprasts.

[Jordan Ormsby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never read a book that put my heart on paper quite like havekost’s memoir. I don’t even have the words to properly rate the impact that her words had. My book is marked up, underlined and dog-eared with paragraphs and notions and introspections in the margins. Beyond thankful the universe (& amazon.com) put this book in my recommended and something convinced me to order it, because it truly changed my life.

[Marijke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book touched my soul in a way I never imagined a book could. This is a MUST read for anyone, everyone has something to gain from this memoir.

[Davina Langdale · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, profound and courageous book. I learnt things about eating disorders that I wish I had known and understood previously. I found myself so invested in Rachel and Josh's relationship. Hard to put down. I really recommend this book so highly.

[Jack Drake · Rating 5 out of 5]

I went into this book unsure of what to expect. The topics of divorce and EDs hit close to home for me, so I am not sure if I was hoping to empathize with, mourn, or simply learn more about Rachel in her memoir.
Once I got about half way through the book, I could not put it down. As a divorced person dealing with trauma myself, I found myself engrossed in the story. Captivated by the kind of person that Josh is. Heartbroken that Rachel was so painfully self aware, and yet so unable to heal.
I have been that person, questioning whether I really do just want to practice some autonomy. I have been that person who questioned whether I still even liked my spouse. Rachel seems to do an excellent job of recalling some of the worst days of her life accurately and seemingly without bias. There is little blaming, a lot of internal monologue and conflict, but I never felt like unjust blame was being thrown.
The most powerful message in the book was Josh's advice: do it your way, not the right way. I am going to remember that for years to come.

[Kelsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

When reading Where the River Flows, I could not help but see bits of my soul throughout this book. It is a powerful book and incredibly meaningful and brave that the author wrote this memoir. Taking some of her deepest darkest secrets and memories and sharing them with the world in the hopes of helping just one person feel not so alone.

There were times when reading this book that I needed to take a minute and process my emotions. I saw so much of myself in the author that it was hard to distinguish my memories and emotions from similar events from the authors. That sounds weird writing it out, but I just felt that I saw myself. It was like all the feelings that I had growing up were validated that I was not alone.

I think this is a powerful and essential book for others to read, regardless if you have an Eating Disorder or not. There is so much more to this book that I genuinely think it will help so many people feel heard and seen.

I highly recommend this book.

[Lightning · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've appreciated Rachel Havekost's social media posts and excited to read more about the experience she's shared in her posts. In particular, the ideas of love and loss and the layer of the pandemic; themes that I relate to profoundly. While Rachel has experiences that I can't really relate to, her writing still gives me something I find incredible value and in need of: a different perspective than my own. In this, both similarities and differences hold equal impact on learning, growing and cultivating empathy and self-understanding. Thankful for the transparency of this memoir.

Also, appreciate reading something from a fellow PNWer.

[Beatriz Viúla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have finally finished this book and words are not enough to describe it. Rachel is an amazing writer and this memoir is emotional, funny, deep and wholesome. I have cried and laughed to this book in so many pages. I have underlined beautiful quotes and it has made me reflect about my own story, my own shame, feelings and recent breakup. I’ve done some self discovery by reading Rachel’s words and at times it almost felt like going to therapy.

[Heather Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book was so beautifully written and she covers so many relatable aspects about life- eating disorder or not. Her words captured thoughts and feelings that I had felt but was never able to express. Every woman should read this.

[Kim Van Den Broek · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has been one of the best books I’ve read. It has really touched me in many ways and I couldn’t put it down. The book is so helpful for anyone who is struggling or feeling alone in any way.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are no words to explain how wonderful this book is. You will just have to read it and find out for yourself.

[Stephen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cried, and actually couldn't stop.

[Emmy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you for sharing your story with us Rachel ❤️

[Paige Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who lived with bulimia for more than two decades, I’m aware of whether a memoir truly captures the inner landscape of an eating disorder, the shame, the compulsions, the identity-shifting, the way it weaves itself into every corner of your life. Where the River Flows does that beautifully.

Rachel Havekost writes with a vulnerability that feels both brave and grounding. She doesn’t sanitize the messy middle of recovery, and she doesn’t pretend healing is linear. The way she ties her eating disorder to trauma, relationships, and the unraveling of her marriage felt incredibly real and familiar. There were moments where I thought, “Yes, that’s exactly what it feels like.”

This is a memoir for anyone who wants an honest, non-glamorized look at bulimia and the long road to rebuilding a self. It’s heartfelt, compassionate, and worth reading.

[Daniella Prieto Arrubla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a beautiful dive into the author's mental health journey and mental health experiences. More than that, it is the story of a life, of the difficulties and struggles of being human, and also of experiencing loss, grief, disease and pain. Where the River Flows also dives into beauty, love, and happiness. I believe the author balances perfectly the entertaining narrative plot and the reflections about her own mental health and mental health in general, as well as the contrast between sad and happy moments in her journey. The author is a great narrator and i loved the water metaphors as a central theme in the book. I look forward to reading more of her work.

[Abigail E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure where to start writing a review for this book. I am always interested in books about mental health and eating disorders, so I was happy to come across it. The beginning hooked me, and I read the entire thing. It was a pretty quick read. However, I did feel that the latter portion of the book became very redundant and slow. She was repeating the same ideas over and over, and it was just a bit of a slog -- I admit that I just skimmed the last few chapters. I don't regret reading it, but I don't think I'd recommend it to anyone, either.

[Stephanie Eddy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Its hard to rate this one. She shares her story with honesty and it's very readable but for someone almost fixated on introspection she doesn't seem to notice or address frustrating patterns of not prioritizing any sort of financial stability. Especially noticeable when her husband is having very reasonable concerns about their finances during a year old hiatus from working and she tries to flip it to him not feeling worthy of treating themselves to the things they want. Still an interesting read.

[loo80 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where the River Flows is a gorgeous, raw and honest read on some of the events many of us experience, and yet make us feel so alone.

Rachel's ability to share her story, weave-in genuine solutions that she used herself and the progress throughout - is beautiful.

This read will keep you hooked from page one.

[Jarvis Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where the River Flows is a fearless memoir that cuts straight to the bone. With poetic honesty, the author lays bare divorce, mental illness, trauma, and an eating disorder without flinching. Painful yet compassionate, this book makes the reader feel seen, understood, and less alone. It’s not an easy read but it’s an important one.

[Maddy Berkman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where The River Flows is an incredible and vulnerable memoir that will change the way you think about life, love and loss. Rachel is a descriptive and thoughtful writer who puts her whole heart into this text. I truly cannot recommend it enough!

[leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

We read to feel less alone (yet we write to do so as well, don’t we?), and this book accomplishes that completely. If you identify with any of the themes in this book I wholeheartedly recommend. I almost wish I could read it again for the first time. I sometimes am triggered by the “here’s my healing journey story and now I’m healed xoxo” type books, but thankfully Rachel steers from that sort of ribbon tying and it makes such a difference. On our varied, myriad-ly meanderous (neither of those are words and I do not care because they fit and I love them) healing journeys we come to learn that we are never done, and this, explicitly, we must choose to live for, if we are to live. And we are to live, aren’t we? x