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Strengthening Marital Intimacy: Elements in the Process
Hawkins says that intimacy, or "oneness with healthy separateness", is vital to a God-honoring marriage, and husband and wife become closer only through commitment to God and one another. Hawkins stresses three areas that must be strengthened--spirit, soul, and body.
140 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1991
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December 9, 2018
In Ronald E. Hawkin’s work Strengthening Marital Intimacy, the author relays to his readers the definition, importance of, and the process by which a married couple can achieve intimacy.
“Definitions of intimacy,” says Hawkins, “often suggest a mushy-mystical oneness that obliterates or subordinates one person. True intimacy is defined by the author as “oneness with healthy separateness.” Hawkin’s queue on this topic is taken from the first chapter of Genesis in which God ordains the marriage covenant. “They were created to function as a team,” says the author. “Male leadership was based solely on the divine prerogative and methodology, not on any implied superiority or inferiority of the sexes.” Thus intimacy is present within the equal and proper functioning of the husband/wife team. It should affect every area. As Hawkin’s points out yet again, “Intimacy is the goal of marriage. God intended tor couples to experience intimacy in every area of life: the emotional, spiritual, and physical.” It is with this target in mind that, “each chapter in this book aims.”
The foundation for intimacy is found through what Hawkin’s calls, “The Seven Pillars of Marital Intimacy,” which are: wisdom’s directives, reality, God’s sovereignty, the person, the control and enjoyment of sexuality, communication, and companioning. Each pillar is given a chapter of fair treatment. To boil it down, commitment, along with all of its biblical components, is what will produce an intimate relationship. The author laments that, “many people now enter marriage with previous commitments that make shams of their wedding promises.” In other words, the seeds for marital destruction are commonly built into the marriage itself and they center on an unwillingness to commit onself to one’s partner in one of the seven areas.
In the first area, wisdom’s directives, the reader is called to seek wisdom where it is truly found—in the person of Jesus Christ and the Scriptures. Wisdom is a gift from God that comes from above. It is “the ability to apply biblical principles creatively to everyday life situations.” Much of God’s “gifts” concerning wisdom in marriage are to be found in the Song of Solomon, Ecclesiastes, and Proverbs. The result of committing onself to following the precepts contained therein is peace (James 3:18), a necessary component to an intimate marriage.
Having a commitment to reality, the second pillar, concerns forming and cultivating a Christian worldview. It is recognizing that human beings, including married couples, live in the world that God created thereby binding themselves to the definition of reality that He has ordained. This would include believing in starting principles such as the existence of God and His work in creation, but it would flow to applicable areas such as the reality of the differences between the sexes, the nature of man, and the forgiveness found in Jesus Christ. Hawkins explains to his audience “reality is not pretty. It brings God's people into contact with loss, temptation, injustice, and a host of other unpleasant experiences. . . However, regardless of the problems, God's rich and inexhaustible resources are sufficient to carry us through.” If one has a distorted view of reality they will also have a distorted view of intimacy.
The third pillar, God’s sovereignty, is closely linked with the first. “Husbands and wives who do not understand God's sovereignty believe in a God who is too small to sustain them through the trials of life.” This also means that “nothing happens by chance; God does everything for the Christian's best. There are no victims.” Without a God who is in control of marriage and uses even negative elements to produce a greater good, there exists no hope.
Fourthly, the author shows us what a commitment to the other person ought to look like. A marriage partner ought to seek to understand, accept, adapt to, and appreciate the other person. Without an acknowledgment that the other person’s needs are more important than oneself’s there will be no surrendering to the other person so that the two can become one, and therefore no intimacy.
The fifth category concerns a commitment to sexual intimacy and by extension purity. Within sex is communication and vulnerability—two elements that make for intimacy. However, this intimacy is ruined with such an act is shared with those outside of the marriage bed.
Communication is the sixth pillar. It is of this pillar that Hawkins boldly asserts, “Nothing is more important for you as a couple than learning to communicate with each other.” God is a communicative Being and as such designed humans to be communicative. The marriage relationship is no exception. Most of the breakdown within marriage comes from a failure to communicate. It is within the context of communication that one shares their innermost desires and emotions thus cultivating intimacy.
The last pillar, companioning, recognizes that “the strength of a marriage is directly related to the couple's desire for togetherness.” When there are shared interests, activities, and time together, there is a sense of being accepted which opens the door for trust and thus intimacy.
To summarize Ronald Hawkin’s basic thrust: Intimacy in marriage is cultivated by a selfless commitment to recognize and obey God’s truth in every area of life including marriage. It is a godly person that makes for a godly spouse.
In my own experience as a single person I can think of two relationships in my life in which these principles do, or could have, applied. The first is concerning my ex-girlfriend. We had a breakup I believe because we were putting too much on each other as far as expectations are concerned. We recognized much of what the Bible has to say about wisdom (i.e. we were careful not to have sex, to seek out wise council, etc.), we recognized God’s sovereignty and the nature of the world as it really is, we communicated quite a bit and recognized who the other person was before God, but we did not have companionship. We lacked intimacy because we had different expectations as to what a real companion was. I was looking for a help-mate to assist me in my ministry goals and she was looking for someone to make her his life study. Both I believe now, looking at the pages of Scripture, are legitimate desires, but we, unfortunately, emphasized our specific desires to the exclusion of the other person’s needs. The other example that stands out in my mind concerns my mother. There have been many times she has wanted a closeness with me that she seems to think we are lacking. After pondering the seven pillars of marital intimacy, I believe we have a problem in the same area. Her idea of companionship is for me to spill my heart out to her. My idea is for us to be involved in similar goals. I think this process has been good for me because I can see more clearly what my personal issue is. Perhaps I have a wrong expectation of what constitutes companionship—an expectation that promotes tasks to the exclusion of emotions.
I do believe I agree with just about everything Ronald E. Hawkins promotes in his book. He backs his statements up with Scripture, and the overall worldview he’s working from seems to be a theologically orthodox and psychologically nouthetic position which I happen to agree with. I think I would like more information on how exactly to help myself have the right expectation when it comes to companionship. I have realized through reading this book that I don’t really know what I’m looking for fully. I know I want a helpmate, but I also know I should want a best friend who I can open up to and share vulnerability with. I don’t know exactly what that looks like. I think my favorite quote from the book is when the author states, “the world is a vast gymnasium where God faithfully exercises his people to conform them to the image of Christ.” I couldn’t agree more! This is a very pithy and encouraging way to look at the world, especially for someone who has a lot of trials in his or her past (which all of us do). If there’s anything I could communicate to others about concerning this book I think it may be that concept. People need to know that their “failed” relationships aren’t really failures. They are tools that God is using in their lives to make them more conformed to the image of Christ which is the goal of life and marriage. If more marriages viewed their goal as being to make the other person more like Jesus, we wouldn’t have the problems we do today.
As a result of this book I will endeavor to be more perceptive in recognizing the elements that make for a good marriage described herein, in marriages that I have come to love and respect. I’m the kind of person that needs examples, and sometimes a lot of them. I tend to learn by watching. It’s not enough to say that a couple must recognize God’s sovereignty. I want to know what that looks like. I will observe my parents and other people in my church whom I respect, and try to find examples of where they implement the principles described in this book. Since my sticking point seems to be companionship, I will also go out of my way to ask couples (whom I respect) how they have cultivated companionship in their relationships. What kinds of activities do they do together? Why those activities? Was there a sense of companionship from the beginning? Does companionship grow or shrink with time? Were there times in life that one spouse didn’t want companionship or grew tired of the other spouse? How did both spouses work out such a problem? I know for many couples companionship orbits around children, but after reading the book I have come to the conclusion that it must not be children. So I will be sure, if a couple answers my questions by saying that they participate in children’s activities together, to ask what they themselves do. Lastly, I will endeavor to pray to God for understanding in this area so that I can have a successful and intimate marriage one day.
“Definitions of intimacy,” says Hawkins, “often suggest a mushy-mystical oneness that obliterates or subordinates one person. True intimacy is defined by the author as “oneness with healthy separateness.” Hawkin’s queue on this topic is taken from the first chapter of Genesis in which God ordains the marriage covenant. “They were created to function as a team,” says the author. “Male leadership was based solely on the divine prerogative and methodology, not on any implied superiority or inferiority of the sexes.” Thus intimacy is present within the equal and proper functioning of the husband/wife team. It should affect every area. As Hawkin’s points out yet again, “Intimacy is the goal of marriage. God intended tor couples to experience intimacy in every area of life: the emotional, spiritual, and physical.” It is with this target in mind that, “each chapter in this book aims.”
The foundation for intimacy is found through what Hawkin’s calls, “The Seven Pillars of Marital Intimacy,” which are: wisdom’s directives, reality, God’s sovereignty, the person, the control and enjoyment of sexuality, communication, and companioning. Each pillar is given a chapter of fair treatment. To boil it down, commitment, along with all of its biblical components, is what will produce an intimate relationship. The author laments that, “many people now enter marriage with previous commitments that make shams of their wedding promises.” In other words, the seeds for marital destruction are commonly built into the marriage itself and they center on an unwillingness to commit onself to one’s partner in one of the seven areas.
In the first area, wisdom’s directives, the reader is called to seek wisdom where it is truly found—in the person of Jesus Christ and the Scriptures. Wisdom is a gift from God that comes from above. It is “the ability to apply biblical principles creatively to everyday life situations.” Much of God’s “gifts” concerning wisdom in marriage are to be found in the Song of Solomon, Ecclesiastes, and Proverbs. The result of committing onself to following the precepts contained therein is peace (James 3:18), a necessary component to an intimate marriage.
Having a commitment to reality, the second pillar, concerns forming and cultivating a Christian worldview. It is recognizing that human beings, including married couples, live in the world that God created thereby binding themselves to the definition of reality that He has ordained. This would include believing in starting principles such as the existence of God and His work in creation, but it would flow to applicable areas such as the reality of the differences between the sexes, the nature of man, and the forgiveness found in Jesus Christ. Hawkins explains to his audience “reality is not pretty. It brings God's people into contact with loss, temptation, injustice, and a host of other unpleasant experiences. . . However, regardless of the problems, God's rich and inexhaustible resources are sufficient to carry us through.” If one has a distorted view of reality they will also have a distorted view of intimacy.
The third pillar, God’s sovereignty, is closely linked with the first. “Husbands and wives who do not understand God's sovereignty believe in a God who is too small to sustain them through the trials of life.” This also means that “nothing happens by chance; God does everything for the Christian's best. There are no victims.” Without a God who is in control of marriage and uses even negative elements to produce a greater good, there exists no hope.
Fourthly, the author shows us what a commitment to the other person ought to look like. A marriage partner ought to seek to understand, accept, adapt to, and appreciate the other person. Without an acknowledgment that the other person’s needs are more important than oneself’s there will be no surrendering to the other person so that the two can become one, and therefore no intimacy.
The fifth category concerns a commitment to sexual intimacy and by extension purity. Within sex is communication and vulnerability—two elements that make for intimacy. However, this intimacy is ruined with such an act is shared with those outside of the marriage bed.
Communication is the sixth pillar. It is of this pillar that Hawkins boldly asserts, “Nothing is more important for you as a couple than learning to communicate with each other.” God is a communicative Being and as such designed humans to be communicative. The marriage relationship is no exception. Most of the breakdown within marriage comes from a failure to communicate. It is within the context of communication that one shares their innermost desires and emotions thus cultivating intimacy.
The last pillar, companioning, recognizes that “the strength of a marriage is directly related to the couple's desire for togetherness.” When there are shared interests, activities, and time together, there is a sense of being accepted which opens the door for trust and thus intimacy.
To summarize Ronald Hawkin’s basic thrust: Intimacy in marriage is cultivated by a selfless commitment to recognize and obey God’s truth in every area of life including marriage. It is a godly person that makes for a godly spouse.
In my own experience as a single person I can think of two relationships in my life in which these principles do, or could have, applied. The first is concerning my ex-girlfriend. We had a breakup I believe because we were putting too much on each other as far as expectations are concerned. We recognized much of what the Bible has to say about wisdom (i.e. we were careful not to have sex, to seek out wise council, etc.), we recognized God’s sovereignty and the nature of the world as it really is, we communicated quite a bit and recognized who the other person was before God, but we did not have companionship. We lacked intimacy because we had different expectations as to what a real companion was. I was looking for a help-mate to assist me in my ministry goals and she was looking for someone to make her his life study. Both I believe now, looking at the pages of Scripture, are legitimate desires, but we, unfortunately, emphasized our specific desires to the exclusion of the other person’s needs. The other example that stands out in my mind concerns my mother. There have been many times she has wanted a closeness with me that she seems to think we are lacking. After pondering the seven pillars of marital intimacy, I believe we have a problem in the same area. Her idea of companionship is for me to spill my heart out to her. My idea is for us to be involved in similar goals. I think this process has been good for me because I can see more clearly what my personal issue is. Perhaps I have a wrong expectation of what constitutes companionship—an expectation that promotes tasks to the exclusion of emotions.
I do believe I agree with just about everything Ronald E. Hawkins promotes in his book. He backs his statements up with Scripture, and the overall worldview he’s working from seems to be a theologically orthodox and psychologically nouthetic position which I happen to agree with. I think I would like more information on how exactly to help myself have the right expectation when it comes to companionship. I have realized through reading this book that I don’t really know what I’m looking for fully. I know I want a helpmate, but I also know I should want a best friend who I can open up to and share vulnerability with. I don’t know exactly what that looks like. I think my favorite quote from the book is when the author states, “the world is a vast gymnasium where God faithfully exercises his people to conform them to the image of Christ.” I couldn’t agree more! This is a very pithy and encouraging way to look at the world, especially for someone who has a lot of trials in his or her past (which all of us do). If there’s anything I could communicate to others about concerning this book I think it may be that concept. People need to know that their “failed” relationships aren’t really failures. They are tools that God is using in their lives to make them more conformed to the image of Christ which is the goal of life and marriage. If more marriages viewed their goal as being to make the other person more like Jesus, we wouldn’t have the problems we do today.
As a result of this book I will endeavor to be more perceptive in recognizing the elements that make for a good marriage described herein, in marriages that I have come to love and respect. I’m the kind of person that needs examples, and sometimes a lot of them. I tend to learn by watching. It’s not enough to say that a couple must recognize God’s sovereignty. I want to know what that looks like. I will observe my parents and other people in my church whom I respect, and try to find examples of where they implement the principles described in this book. Since my sticking point seems to be companionship, I will also go out of my way to ask couples (whom I respect) how they have cultivated companionship in their relationships. What kinds of activities do they do together? Why those activities? Was there a sense of companionship from the beginning? Does companionship grow or shrink with time? Were there times in life that one spouse didn’t want companionship or grew tired of the other spouse? How did both spouses work out such a problem? I know for many couples companionship orbits around children, but after reading the book I have come to the conclusion that it must not be children. So I will be sure, if a couple answers my questions by saying that they participate in children’s activities together, to ask what they themselves do. Lastly, I will endeavor to pray to God for understanding in this area so that I can have a successful and intimate marriage one day.
August 29, 2020
Easy to read book that can offer helpful tips and principles for married couples who might be struggling. It can also be helpful even if you aren’t struggling, but a lot of the arguments made (although I most of the time agreed) weren’t backed up with a lot of evidence. Evidence and exposition isn’t the point of the book though.
November 29, 2021
Required reading for PACO 603 at Liberty - really good pre-marital book... all about Commitment - the missing ingredient in many relationships these days.
March 14, 2014
"I loved being married. It was great having (my wife) close by to share with. I had to finish one more year at Bible school when we tied the knot. Our married life started in a twelve-by-fifteen room over the school gym (the price was right). I was still very near my school friends of the past two years, and breaking away from them was tough.
I will never forget the look on (my wife's) face when I came in late for supper one night. I had to learn that my allocation of time needed to be brought into line with my new commitment. She was now to be my best friend. She was to be more important than basketball and hanging around the dorm room with the guys. This importance had to be processed into time invested. She had the right to expect it. Knowing my responsibility and bringing my life into conformity with its demands represented a major challenge for the next several years."
I will never forget the look on (my wife's) face when I came in late for supper one night. I had to learn that my allocation of time needed to be brought into line with my new commitment. She was now to be my best friend. She was to be more important than basketball and hanging around the dorm room with the guys. This importance had to be processed into time invested. She had the right to expect it. Knowing my responsibility and bringing my life into conformity with its demands represented a major challenge for the next several years."
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November 1, 2017Strengthening Marital Intimacy: Elements in the Process (Paperback)
by Ronald E. Hawkins
by Ronald E. Hawkins
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