Dealing With Difficult People: How To Handle Problem People At Work Or At Home, Manage Difficult Conversations And Stop People Pleasing

by Peter Caldwell

Are there people around you that are driving you crazy and you don’t know what to do about it? Do you dread going to work because of a controlling boss or a negative colleague? Difficult people, there are all kinds of them, but they have one thing in they make your skin crawl and your life miserable.

We’ve all felt it; when you’ve had to cope with someone undermining you or putting you down, it destroys your motivation. You shut down emotionally and lose interest in all those things that brought you joy. You feel hopeless, like nothing you do is worthwhile, so why bother doing anything at all?

But can you really keep on living like this? You have to find a way to handle them or you’re going to be run over for the rest of your life.

And you can’t simply run away from them or grit your teeth anytime you see one because there will always be others. It’s just a fact of life.

Do you want to miss out on your dream job because of a nightmare boss or ruin a beautiful relationship for not being able to deal with a mother-in-law from hell?

Isn’t it time to learn how to handle them properly?

I know it might feel overwhelming; they come in all shapes and forms after all. So what should be your best course of action? Be more empathetic? Stand up for yourself? Understand them better? Remove them from your life altogether?

That’s what this book will help you with. Inside you’ll

How to spot a difficult person from a mile off Every single type of difficult people, from passive-aggressive to professional victim Why people feel they can treat you badly and what to do about it What you can change and what you can’t How to pick your when to fight and when to retreat How to stay in control of your reactions and hold your ground confidently A mindful approach through gratitude and meditation The step-by-step guide to dealing with a difficult personand much more…

By the time you’ve completed this book, you’ll be practically welcoming difficult people into your life because of the opportunity they present to become an even more effective communicator. If you can get on with difficult personalities, you can get on with anyone. This will make you a valuable asset to any team, whether it’s in the workplace, your social life, or your personal life.

It’s up to you. But if you’re ready to take positive action to enjoy better relationships, better health and be happier overall , then scroll up and click the “Add to Cart” button now!

112 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 3, 2020

About the author

Peter Caldwell was born on April 16, 1940 in Schenectady, New York. His family moved to Pasadena, California where he attended school and later Pomona College followed by the UCLA School of Medicine. He went on to become a pediatrician/pediatric cardiologist and served three years in the US Naval Reserve, the first year as a battalion surgeon with the Marines in Vietnam in 1966-1967. He completed his military service in Hawaii where he returned to settle in Honolulu in 1973 along with his wife Olga. His family includes an adopted Tahitian son and two sponsored Indonesian girls. He spent 30 years working for the Hawaii Permanente Medical Group and then retired from full-time medical practice spending his professional time volunteering at the Hawaii Medical Mission and assisting with interviews for applicants to the University of Hawaii School of Medicine. In 1991, he wrote his first book , Bac-si: A Doctor Remembers Vietnam, and started his own publishing company, Taote Publishing. A longtime hiker, paddler, backpacker and outdoor photographer, he published his second book, Adventurer's Hawaii, the following year, which focused on his photographic adventures in the Hawaiian Islands. With a family cabin at Echo Lake near Lake Tahoe, his third book, Echo Lake Reflections, told a photographic historical story of the family's four generations in this unique Sierra setting. Joining forces with his brother Don, this book was followed by two photographic guidebooks to the nearby Desolation Wilderness Area. In 2006, being a paddler and a participant, he completed a beautiful coffee table book, Molokai-Oahu through the Years about Hawaii's Molokai-Oahu outrigger canoe race. The much expanded second edition of Adventurerʻs Hawaii in hard cover format was released in December, 2013. He spends his time not only on Oahu but also the Big Island where his family built a second home close to Volcanoes National Park.

Reviews

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are a lot of books on this topic, most with similar titles, very few (I saw none) with gushing reviews. It's difficult to write about difficult people. The trap is this: if someone is sufficiently difficult, you'll probably give 'em the boot, and then you don't need to read this book. If you are stuck with the difficult person, they probably have some hold over you that's squelching your agency, so your options for managing them are limited.

Still, there are strategies for managing yourself, and that's what this book focuses on. You can't make the other person change, you can only change your reaction to them. This is not very satisfying, which may be why so many of the books on this topic have middling reviews. What we want, when dealing with a toxic person, is some magic solution that will detoxify the person. That doesn't exist. Here's what you can do instead:

Examine your part in it: are YOU also a difficult person? Seriously consider this possibility and take some time for self-reflection. As you read every chapter, imagine the difficult person is reading it and thinking about you.

Stay calm when things get rough: Maintain your composure and emotional control. Responding with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. This is not novel advice in any way but it's true nonetheless.

Listen actively: Pay attention to what the difficult person is saying without interrupting. Try to understand their perspective and concerns. Check back with them to see if you've got it right. This one is important because a lot of "difficult people" situations are down to miscommunication — make sure you've got it right before reacting.

Empathize: Show empathy and try to put yourself in their shoes. Acknowledge their feelings and validate their emotions. (I really struggle with this one because it feels like giving in, or even enabling, when someone is being a dick: most difficult people I know are surrounded by enablers who spend all their time soothing, validating, and cajoling. It just makes the difficult person feel more entitled. Sometimes what difficult people need is to be called on their bullshit. But that has a cost, and if you have that kind of power to begin with — yeah, again, you're not reading this book.)

Set boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. Be assertive but respectful. One example he gives is of a mentor who has agreed with his protégé to finish work by 6, but the mentor keeps the protégé working late into the evening: the responsibility here lies with the protégé to stick to the agreed boundaries right away and not let this become a habit. It's important to get boundaries in writing so you can point to them. But once again: hard to do this is you are depending on the person for your career, or have a big power differential in another way.

Instead of dwelling on the feelings part of the problem, focus on finding pragmatic solutions. Collaborate with the difficult person to reach a resolution. He gives an example of sitting down with a person to lay out the end goal on, say, a project, and frame it as "I know you're as committed as I am to seeing this through, how can we get there together?" This keeps the person from getting defensive, and stuff may come up you didn't know: his example was of a colleague who confessed they were in some real personal trouble and that's why they hadn't been stepping up.

Keep yourself from spiraling: use mindfulness techniques, lovingkindness meditation, and keep a gratitude journal to keep your own spirits up and your reactivity low. (I have a strong negative reaction to this kind of pep talk, since it seems like it's putting all the onus in the wrong place. Like if you're being beaten up at work — or home! — "keep a gratitude journal" is just insulting advice. But if you are truly powerless, perhaps putting a tiny bandage on a gaping wound is the best you can do.)

Take breaks: If the situation becomes too tense or overwhelming, take a break to cool off and collect your thoughts before continuing the conversation. Be slow to react generally, breathing a few times before saying anything so you can speak out of your adult-human brain instead of your lizard brain.

Know when to escalate: If despite your efforts, the situation remains unresolved or escalates, know when to seek help from a mediator, supervisor, or HR department.

One of my favorite tips from this book is this: You have a best version of yourself, so nurture that and when you’re upset, before you respond, think, “What would the best version of me do in this instance?” I really like that, it’s so simple but useful.

This book has the benefit of being very short, so while it's not groundbreaking, it's a useful read/listen to keep your toolbox topped up. Everyone has difficult people in their lives: instead of hiding from them or letting them run you around, try something different.