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Fatherjournal: Five years of awakening to fatherhood
This is a book of journal notes by a father who decided not to become "the second, somewhat foreign parent." This sensitive, unglorified record of David's first five years as a parent reveals the emotional and sex-role conflicts of a man who seeks intimate, nurturing contact with his child. The author also shares with us the new levels of love and awareness that fatherhood opens to him, and the changes that come to affect his entire sense of himself as a man, far beyond the specifics of his relationship with his son.
91 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1977
4 people want to read
About the author
David Steinberg
13 books8 followersDavid Steinberg has been writing about sex and gender since 1989. His Comes Naturally columns appeared in Spectator magazine from 1992 through 2005. His writing has also appeared in such journals as Salon, the San Francisco Chronicle, Playboy, LA Weekly, SF Weekly, The Sun, The Gay and Lesbian Review, The Realist, Transgender Tapestry, Changing Men, and Issues in Radical Therapy. He lives in San Francisco. His website is at www.davidsteinberg.us.
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June 7, 2025
FIVE YEARS (1971-1976) OF A FATHER’S JOURNAL, WITH HIS HEARTFELT OBSERVATIONS
Author David Steinberg wrote in the introductory section of this 1977 book, “Why I want to write a book on fathering:--because being a father is difficult and exciting, a highly charged part of my life. –Because I know there are many men who want to be closely involved with their children but who are afraid of that intimacy; and feel incompetent, awkward, and out of place; who are isolated and confused and don’t know where to begin—because I am blown away by the anguish of men who lose their children through divorce or separation—because I want to encourage myself and other men to admit the depth and strength of our feelings about children, and to explore those feelings rather than suppress them and be eaten away by an unnamed sense of lost possibility—because children feel the distance of cold fathers deeply and work out those feelings all their lives… looking for their lost fathers or avoiding the disappointment of rejection… because I want to make myself visible as a person who wants to work with men who are struggling with these issues.” (Pg. 7)
September 15, 1971: “When Susan was pregnant, I imagined that writing and taking care of the baby would fit together well. I figured that as long as I was home taking care of the baby I would do some writing as well. It seems incredible now that I could have so completely misunderstood what it would be like to have a baby… Having a baby has brought an astounding amount of day-to-day work. A lot gets lost in the shuffle, like having time to sit and relax… There are no more Sunday morning breakfasts in bed.” (Pg. 16-17)
He continues, “I can’t impose my rules on Dylan. All the persuasive skills I use to get other people to do things my way are totally irrelevant to him. I am forced to accept the validity of his rules, and then learn to integrate that with my real needs. The trick is to become less of a control freak without entirely sacrificing myself to Dylan.” (Pg. 19)
He observes, “It’s always a shock when I remember that Dylan is related to me in a more basic way than that I take care of him. To realize that he is of my body, grown from my seed. He is my son. Occasionally that realization hits me from behind. I still don’t know what to make of it. I suffer from not having been pregnant.” (Pg. 20)
October 18, 1971: “Dylan is being wonderful and I’m enjoying the feeling of being out with him. A new freedom taken… Again, the issue is letting go of control over my life. How to let go of the need to control the trivia and still hang on to what’s really important to me.” (Pg. 21)
February 20, 1972: “This morning I woke up feeling comfortable, warm, and solid. Then Dylan started to fuss and I turned irritable right away. I wake up to a demand every morning. I’m behind before I even get out of bed. A horrible way to start the day. Maybe on weekends, when I don’t have to go to work, I should spend some time by myself before getting up officially. Use my two free mornings to pull myself together instead of for sleeping…” (Pg. 31)
June 30, 1972: “How infuriating and frustrating that has been---moving with Susan into a good, open sexual place only to have Dylan’s birth interrupt all that with a new level of difficulty. There’s no more quiet afternoons together. Both of us feel tense and overwhelmed most of the time, and tired at night. I have resented Dylan for that more than anything else. And I am afraid to do all the work to open those heave doors again.” (Pg. 36)
October 15, 1972: “Dylan and I played together with his blocks for a long time… It’s great to be with him that way. I realize how seldom I take time to play with him around HIS games, HIS interests.” (Pg. 37)
January 7, 1974: After a snowstorm knocked out the electricity, telephones and heat, “I watched him snuggle into the cold sheets, arranged the blankets while I juggled a flashlight, and gave him a final kiss, enjoying his trust that power or no power, heat or no heat, everything was fine. His trust in me to be able to take care of him.” (Pg. 44)
June 8, 1974: “It has been much, much better between Dylan and me lately… Would this feeling be as strong if Dylan were a girl? If he were a girl I don’t think I’d be reliving so much of my own childhood. And I wouldn’t have the responsibility of teaching him what it means to be a male, or being his role model. He takes in all of who I am. No amount of conscious effort changes that. He learns to be distant if I am distant, aggressive if I am aggressive. If I am unreliable, he learns not to trust men. It is a heavy burden, especially when I am aware of how much b------t male programming I still carry around.” (Pg. 52)
January 17, 1975: “I’m kind of jealous of that special energy between Susan and Dylan. My own space with Dylan is so much less compressed and special. Mostly I wish I had less time with him rather than more.” (Pg. 58)
February 20, 1975: “It’s a real pleasure to be able to take him to where I work. To have him share that part of my life. Our time together is best when we’ve got something to do. At the co-op he learns how to make his own way, how to deal with new people, how to make friends.” (Pg. 62)
December 3, 1975: “Sometimes it’s like I give and I give and I give but I’m not allowed to ask for anything in return. He’s only four and a half, after all, and much too preoccupied with his own world to spend very much time making sacrifices for me. It’s all so one-sided, it doesn’t see fair. Yesterday I just wanted him to understand that I needed some special attention, and there was no way to communicate that to him.” (Pg. 80)
March 18, 1976: “Rediscovering stamps with Dylan has been a real joy for me… It’s important to him that this is something I like to do, not just something I do for his sake. It’s the same as when he helps me put out mailings … He puts the flyers in envelopes… It flashes me back to when I was a kid, helping my father address copies of his life insurance newsletter he edited… I loved being useful and competent… Now I live out those feelings from the other side. It is a very deep, warm feeling. A completion. And it builds yet another connection between Dylan and me.” (Pg. 88)
This honest and heartfelt book was written in the early days of the Women’s Movement; but its observations remain relatively ‘timeless.’
Author David Steinberg wrote in the introductory section of this 1977 book, “Why I want to write a book on fathering:--because being a father is difficult and exciting, a highly charged part of my life. –Because I know there are many men who want to be closely involved with their children but who are afraid of that intimacy; and feel incompetent, awkward, and out of place; who are isolated and confused and don’t know where to begin—because I am blown away by the anguish of men who lose their children through divorce or separation—because I want to encourage myself and other men to admit the depth and strength of our feelings about children, and to explore those feelings rather than suppress them and be eaten away by an unnamed sense of lost possibility—because children feel the distance of cold fathers deeply and work out those feelings all their lives… looking for their lost fathers or avoiding the disappointment of rejection… because I want to make myself visible as a person who wants to work with men who are struggling with these issues.” (Pg. 7)
September 15, 1971: “When Susan was pregnant, I imagined that writing and taking care of the baby would fit together well. I figured that as long as I was home taking care of the baby I would do some writing as well. It seems incredible now that I could have so completely misunderstood what it would be like to have a baby… Having a baby has brought an astounding amount of day-to-day work. A lot gets lost in the shuffle, like having time to sit and relax… There are no more Sunday morning breakfasts in bed.” (Pg. 16-17)
He continues, “I can’t impose my rules on Dylan. All the persuasive skills I use to get other people to do things my way are totally irrelevant to him. I am forced to accept the validity of his rules, and then learn to integrate that with my real needs. The trick is to become less of a control freak without entirely sacrificing myself to Dylan.” (Pg. 19)
He observes, “It’s always a shock when I remember that Dylan is related to me in a more basic way than that I take care of him. To realize that he is of my body, grown from my seed. He is my son. Occasionally that realization hits me from behind. I still don’t know what to make of it. I suffer from not having been pregnant.” (Pg. 20)
October 18, 1971: “Dylan is being wonderful and I’m enjoying the feeling of being out with him. A new freedom taken… Again, the issue is letting go of control over my life. How to let go of the need to control the trivia and still hang on to what’s really important to me.” (Pg. 21)
February 20, 1972: “This morning I woke up feeling comfortable, warm, and solid. Then Dylan started to fuss and I turned irritable right away. I wake up to a demand every morning. I’m behind before I even get out of bed. A horrible way to start the day. Maybe on weekends, when I don’t have to go to work, I should spend some time by myself before getting up officially. Use my two free mornings to pull myself together instead of for sleeping…” (Pg. 31)
June 30, 1972: “How infuriating and frustrating that has been---moving with Susan into a good, open sexual place only to have Dylan’s birth interrupt all that with a new level of difficulty. There’s no more quiet afternoons together. Both of us feel tense and overwhelmed most of the time, and tired at night. I have resented Dylan for that more than anything else. And I am afraid to do all the work to open those heave doors again.” (Pg. 36)
October 15, 1972: “Dylan and I played together with his blocks for a long time… It’s great to be with him that way. I realize how seldom I take time to play with him around HIS games, HIS interests.” (Pg. 37)
January 7, 1974: After a snowstorm knocked out the electricity, telephones and heat, “I watched him snuggle into the cold sheets, arranged the blankets while I juggled a flashlight, and gave him a final kiss, enjoying his trust that power or no power, heat or no heat, everything was fine. His trust in me to be able to take care of him.” (Pg. 44)
June 8, 1974: “It has been much, much better between Dylan and me lately… Would this feeling be as strong if Dylan were a girl? If he were a girl I don’t think I’d be reliving so much of my own childhood. And I wouldn’t have the responsibility of teaching him what it means to be a male, or being his role model. He takes in all of who I am. No amount of conscious effort changes that. He learns to be distant if I am distant, aggressive if I am aggressive. If I am unreliable, he learns not to trust men. It is a heavy burden, especially when I am aware of how much b------t male programming I still carry around.” (Pg. 52)
January 17, 1975: “I’m kind of jealous of that special energy between Susan and Dylan. My own space with Dylan is so much less compressed and special. Mostly I wish I had less time with him rather than more.” (Pg. 58)
February 20, 1975: “It’s a real pleasure to be able to take him to where I work. To have him share that part of my life. Our time together is best when we’ve got something to do. At the co-op he learns how to make his own way, how to deal with new people, how to make friends.” (Pg. 62)
December 3, 1975: “Sometimes it’s like I give and I give and I give but I’m not allowed to ask for anything in return. He’s only four and a half, after all, and much too preoccupied with his own world to spend very much time making sacrifices for me. It’s all so one-sided, it doesn’t see fair. Yesterday I just wanted him to understand that I needed some special attention, and there was no way to communicate that to him.” (Pg. 80)
March 18, 1976: “Rediscovering stamps with Dylan has been a real joy for me… It’s important to him that this is something I like to do, not just something I do for his sake. It’s the same as when he helps me put out mailings … He puts the flyers in envelopes… It flashes me back to when I was a kid, helping my father address copies of his life insurance newsletter he edited… I loved being useful and competent… Now I live out those feelings from the other side. It is a very deep, warm feeling. A completion. And it builds yet another connection between Dylan and me.” (Pg. 88)
This honest and heartfelt book was written in the early days of the Women’s Movement; but its observations remain relatively ‘timeless.’
Displaying 1 of 1 review