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Don't Tell Ima
When Efraim and Shifra Baumen decide to move from the United States to a new life in Israel, it is with the dream of raising their children with a vibrant set of Jewish values. Aside from Efraim’s day job as an architect and Shifra’s devotion to their children, the young couple also helps the less fortunate in society. Each and every Shabbat sees their house filled to overflowing with the less fortunate or with those searching for meaning in their lives. But things begin to change and Efraim loses his job. He becomes increasingly secretive, stays out late at night, and spends much less time with his family. He often takes one or more of his children on his furtive escapades but warns them to never tell Ima where he takes them or what he is doing, conditioning them to habitually lie to their mother. Eventually, the shocking truth unravels. When the full extent of Efraim’s disloyalty and depravity becomes known, it almost shatters Shifra. Can she retain her sanity and keep her children emotionally stable despite the awareness of their father’s immoral conduct? Will she find the inner strength to convey why they should not imitate their father's treacherous character? And will she get the divorce she desperately seeks from the man she once wholeheartedly trusted? This novel is based on a true story. Details have been changed.
312 pages, Paperback
Published February 2, 2020
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March 9, 2020Don’t Tell Ima: A Novel by Lisa Barness (JewishSelfPublishing, 2020)
Reviewed by Shira Yael Klein
It’s clear from the start (ok, even from the blub on the back) that the husband, Efraim, is the Bad Guy. No surprises there. This complex, compelling book pulls us into the twisted world Efraim creates and we watch as things go from bad to worse. It’s a dark, disturbing read.
Interestingly, while at first the book attempts to get into Efraim’s psyche and figure out what motivates him, what core of goodness he has or at least had, it quickly moves to hammering home the message that “He can’t change. You must divorce him.”
I will note that Efraim is a Bad Guy par excellence, a clear candidate for immediate divorce. There are plenty of cases where a divorce is necessary where the guy is not “as bad” as Efraim. By the same token, Shifra is a near-perfect Good Person. Her only crimes are doubting herself and not getting out fast enough. OK, once she lost her cool and smacked (a genuinely difficult) son on the hand. Once.
She’s too good. Endlessly patient with her kids. You are allowed to get divorced from an abusive spouse even if you aren’t perfect. I would have liked to see this angle explored more — the contrast between a genuinely bad parent and a good-but-human parent sometimes cracking under the pressure.
The book strove mightily to describe graphic scenes and behaviors with enough detail to portray the depravity and fallout of Efraim’s misbehavior without passing the point of acceptability in its own right. I don’t know if that’s actually possible. Maybe it should have come with a warning of “Adult Content.” So for whom would I recommend this? That’s a sticky question. On the one hand, why expose readers to a sick man’s sordid doings?
On the other hand, that’s precisely the point. This book is here to warn and inform the innocent. The good, pure, religious people, who are trying to do what’s good and right. Much in the same way that molestation is now being discussed openly for the sake of protecting innocent children, this book steps up and puts one type of spousal abuse on stage. This is for the innocents in shidduchim, the innocents in such marriages, and the friends, rabbis, therapists, and community at large to be aware that such a thing exists.
Yet Efraim was so wrong when he thought that exposing himself to inappropriate pictures was a good idea because “If I want to counsel guys who are dealing with repulsive low-life issues…I need to understand what drives them.” He did not succeed in “push[ing] himself…to be able to discuss or see anything and remain holy, no matter what.” So how are we different? How is this book different? I think that there is one, but I can’t put my finger on it. I leave it to the reader to ponder.
One scene that sticks in my head is of the wife, Shifra, dutifully taking herself to the mikvah, because that’s what she’s gotta do. And knowing that on that night, of all nights, her husband will make a point of waking her up when he finally comes home early in the morning, because “He knew that as a good, religious woman, I had to.” This is actually a relatively minor theme in the book, but the message that “I knew this place was [kosher]. And my prayers were. All were kosher, except for him” is a critical one. It’s not the religion that’s the problem, is the abusive guy! Shifra clings to G-d and religion, even when somehow practices which are supposed to create and reflect a wonderful warm family home are anything but, and even when some of its rabbinic representatives are less than helpful.
Another area (of many) that’s very well done is exploring the effects Efraim has not only on Shifra, but on each of his children individually. One begins to pull away of his own volition. One longs for her father’s love. One is too young to really understand what’s going on.
Kudos to the author and editing team for a compelling read. More importantly, one of the reviews said that this is based on the author’s own experience. I can’t imagine her strength in going through a fraction of what was described here, and coming out not only intact but able to put the tale in print to help others. Bravo!
The book could have done with a round of developmental editing, since occasionally one section of the narrative didn’t jive with the rest. But this didn’t get in the way of the impact and compelling pull of the story. I read it compulsively, and I seem to be reviewing it compulsively too.
Reviewed by Shira Yael Klein
It’s clear from the start (ok, even from the blub on the back) that the husband, Efraim, is the Bad Guy. No surprises there. This complex, compelling book pulls us into the twisted world Efraim creates and we watch as things go from bad to worse. It’s a dark, disturbing read.
Interestingly, while at first the book attempts to get into Efraim’s psyche and figure out what motivates him, what core of goodness he has or at least had, it quickly moves to hammering home the message that “He can’t change. You must divorce him.”
I will note that Efraim is a Bad Guy par excellence, a clear candidate for immediate divorce. There are plenty of cases where a divorce is necessary where the guy is not “as bad” as Efraim. By the same token, Shifra is a near-perfect Good Person. Her only crimes are doubting herself and not getting out fast enough. OK, once she lost her cool and smacked (a genuinely difficult) son on the hand. Once.
She’s too good. Endlessly patient with her kids. You are allowed to get divorced from an abusive spouse even if you aren’t perfect. I would have liked to see this angle explored more — the contrast between a genuinely bad parent and a good-but-human parent sometimes cracking under the pressure.
The book strove mightily to describe graphic scenes and behaviors with enough detail to portray the depravity and fallout of Efraim’s misbehavior without passing the point of acceptability in its own right. I don’t know if that’s actually possible. Maybe it should have come with a warning of “Adult Content.” So for whom would I recommend this? That’s a sticky question. On the one hand, why expose readers to a sick man’s sordid doings?
On the other hand, that’s precisely the point. This book is here to warn and inform the innocent. The good, pure, religious people, who are trying to do what’s good and right. Much in the same way that molestation is now being discussed openly for the sake of protecting innocent children, this book steps up and puts one type of spousal abuse on stage. This is for the innocents in shidduchim, the innocents in such marriages, and the friends, rabbis, therapists, and community at large to be aware that such a thing exists.
Yet Efraim was so wrong when he thought that exposing himself to inappropriate pictures was a good idea because “If I want to counsel guys who are dealing with repulsive low-life issues…I need to understand what drives them.” He did not succeed in “push[ing] himself…to be able to discuss or see anything and remain holy, no matter what.” So how are we different? How is this book different? I think that there is one, but I can’t put my finger on it. I leave it to the reader to ponder.
One scene that sticks in my head is of the wife, Shifra, dutifully taking herself to the mikvah, because that’s what she’s gotta do. And knowing that on that night, of all nights, her husband will make a point of waking her up when he finally comes home early in the morning, because “He knew that as a good, religious woman, I had to.” This is actually a relatively minor theme in the book, but the message that “I knew this place was [kosher]. And my prayers were. All were kosher, except for him” is a critical one. It’s not the religion that’s the problem, is the abusive guy! Shifra clings to G-d and religion, even when somehow practices which are supposed to create and reflect a wonderful warm family home are anything but, and even when some of its rabbinic representatives are less than helpful.
Another area (of many) that’s very well done is exploring the effects Efraim has not only on Shifra, but on each of his children individually. One begins to pull away of his own volition. One longs for her father’s love. One is too young to really understand what’s going on.
Kudos to the author and editing team for a compelling read. More importantly, one of the reviews said that this is based on the author’s own experience. I can’t imagine her strength in going through a fraction of what was described here, and coming out not only intact but able to put the tale in print to help others. Bravo!
The book could have done with a round of developmental editing, since occasionally one section of the narrative didn’t jive with the rest. But this didn’t get in the way of the impact and compelling pull of the story. I read it compulsively, and I seem to be reviewing it compulsively too.
July 2, 2020
UGH! This book and this review is difficult. I often times read reviews where the reviewer will say that they are writing the review based more on how their personal life and or experience rather than the book itself made them feel while reading the book and this is that for me. I am a survivor of emotional, physical, sexual and domestic abuse and so I found this book incredibly difficult to read, but more than that I found the Ima incredibly difficult to deal with. I often found myself questioning the reasoning behind making her so very weak and such a victim. Don't come after me, I get it, I really do but this woman literally had all the signs, including young women telling her that her husband had assaulted them and she STAYED! I guess what I'm saying is I would have like to see at least some backbone in this woman. That aside, it was a good book.
June 17, 2020
Don't Tell Ima kept my attention due to the story's subject matter, however, I almost put it down numerous times because of the simplistic writing style. I am aware of the abuse issues and the legal difficulties facing religious Jewish women and their children. The best part of this book was putting my intellectual knowledge aside and focusing on one family's journey.
June 1, 2020
A few mistakes that an editor could have fixed, but an overall good story.
It made me grateful I am not a practicing member of a religion, what a terrifying book.
It made me grateful I am not a practicing member of a religion, what a terrifying book.
March 9, 2020
Don’t Tell Ima: A Novel by Lisa Barness (JewishSelfPublishing, 2020)
Reviewed by Shira Yael Klein
It’s clear from the start (ok, even from the blub on the back) that the husband, Efraim, is the Bad Guy. No surprises there. This complex, compelling book pulls us into the twisted world Efraim creates and we watch as things go from bad to worse. It’s a dark, disturbing read.
Interestingly, while at first the book attempts to get into Efraim’s psyche and figure out what motivates him, what core of goodness he has or at least had, it quickly moves to hammering home the message that “He can’t change. You must divorce him.”
I will note that Efraim is a Bad Guy par excellence, a clear candidate for immediate divorce. There are plenty of cases where a divorce is necessary where the guy is not “as bad” as Efraim. By the same token, Shifra is a near-perfect Good Person. Her only crimes are doubting herself and not getting out fast enough. OK, once she lost her cool and smacked (a genuinely difficult) son on the hand. Once.
She’s too good. Endlessly patient with her kids. You are allowed to get divorced from an abusive spouse even if you aren’t perfect. I would have liked to see this angle explored more — the contrast between a genuinely bad parent and a good-but-human parent sometimes cracking under the pressure.
The book strove mightily to describe graphic scenes and behaviors with enough detail to portray the depravity and fallout of Efraim’s misbehavior without passing the point of acceptability in its own right. I don’t know if that’s actually possible. Maybe it should have come with a warning of “Adult Content.” So for whom would I recommend this? That’s a sticky question. On the one hand, why expose readers to a sick man’s sordid doings?
On the other hand, that’s precisely the point. This book is here to warn and inform the innocent. The good, pure, religious people, who are trying to do what’s good and right. Much in the same way that molestation is now being discussed openly for the sake of protecting innocent children, this book steps up and puts one type of spousal abuse on stage. This is for the innocents in shidduchim, the innocents in such marriages, and the friends, rabbis, therapists, and community at large to be aware that such a thing exists.
Yet Efraim was so wrong when he thought that exposing himself to inappropriate pictures was a good idea because “If I want to counsel guys who are dealing with repulsive low-life issues…I need to understand what drives them.” He did not succeed in “push[ing] himself…to be able to discuss or see anything and remain holy, no matter what.” So how are we different? How is this book different? I think that there is one, but I can’t put my finger on it. I leave it to the reader to ponder.
One scene that sticks in my head is of the wife, Shifra, dutifully taking herself to the mikvah, because that’s what she’s gotta do. And knowing that on that night, of all nights, her husband will make a point of waking her up when he finally comes home early in the morning, because “He knew that as a good, religious woman, I had to.” This is actually a relatively minor theme in the book, but the message that “I knew this place was [kosher]. And my prayers were. All were kosher, except for him” is a critical one. It’s not the religion that’s the problem, is the abusive guy! Shifra clings to G-d and religion, even when somehow practices which are supposed to create and reflect a wonderful warm family home are anything but, and even when some of its rabbinic representatives are less than helpful.
Another area (of many) that’s very well done is exploring the effects Efraim has not only on Shifra, but on each of his children individually. One begins to pull away of his own volition. One longs for her father’s love. One is too young to really understand what’s going on.
Kudos to the author and editing team for a compelling read. More importantly, one of the reviews said that this is based on the author’s own experience. I can’t imagine her strength in going through a fraction of what was described here, and coming out not only intact but able to put the tale in print to help others. Bravo!
The book could have done with a round of developmental editing, since occasionally one section of the narrative didn’t jive with the rest. But this didn’t get in the way of the impact and compelling pull of the story. I read it compulsively, and I seem to be reviewing it compulsively too.
Reviewed by Shira Yael Klein
It’s clear from the start (ok, even from the blub on the back) that the husband, Efraim, is the Bad Guy. No surprises there. This complex, compelling book pulls us into the twisted world Efraim creates and we watch as things go from bad to worse. It’s a dark, disturbing read.
Interestingly, while at first the book attempts to get into Efraim’s psyche and figure out what motivates him, what core of goodness he has or at least had, it quickly moves to hammering home the message that “He can’t change. You must divorce him.”
I will note that Efraim is a Bad Guy par excellence, a clear candidate for immediate divorce. There are plenty of cases where a divorce is necessary where the guy is not “as bad” as Efraim. By the same token, Shifra is a near-perfect Good Person. Her only crimes are doubting herself and not getting out fast enough. OK, once she lost her cool and smacked (a genuinely difficult) son on the hand. Once.
She’s too good. Endlessly patient with her kids. You are allowed to get divorced from an abusive spouse even if you aren’t perfect. I would have liked to see this angle explored more — the contrast between a genuinely bad parent and a good-but-human parent sometimes cracking under the pressure.
The book strove mightily to describe graphic scenes and behaviors with enough detail to portray the depravity and fallout of Efraim’s misbehavior without passing the point of acceptability in its own right. I don’t know if that’s actually possible. Maybe it should have come with a warning of “Adult Content.” So for whom would I recommend this? That’s a sticky question. On the one hand, why expose readers to a sick man’s sordid doings?
On the other hand, that’s precisely the point. This book is here to warn and inform the innocent. The good, pure, religious people, who are trying to do what’s good and right. Much in the same way that molestation is now being discussed openly for the sake of protecting innocent children, this book steps up and puts one type of spousal abuse on stage. This is for the innocents in shidduchim, the innocents in such marriages, and the friends, rabbis, therapists, and community at large to be aware that such a thing exists.
Yet Efraim was so wrong when he thought that exposing himself to inappropriate pictures was a good idea because “If I want to counsel guys who are dealing with repulsive low-life issues…I need to understand what drives them.” He did not succeed in “push[ing] himself…to be able to discuss or see anything and remain holy, no matter what.” So how are we different? How is this book different? I think that there is one, but I can’t put my finger on it. I leave it to the reader to ponder.
One scene that sticks in my head is of the wife, Shifra, dutifully taking herself to the mikvah, because that’s what she’s gotta do. And knowing that on that night, of all nights, her husband will make a point of waking her up when he finally comes home early in the morning, because “He knew that as a good, religious woman, I had to.” This is actually a relatively minor theme in the book, but the message that “I knew this place was [kosher]. And my prayers were. All were kosher, except for him” is a critical one. It’s not the religion that’s the problem, is the abusive guy! Shifra clings to G-d and religion, even when somehow practices which are supposed to create and reflect a wonderful warm family home are anything but, and even when some of its rabbinic representatives are less than helpful.
Another area (of many) that’s very well done is exploring the effects Efraim has not only on Shifra, but on each of his children individually. One begins to pull away of his own volition. One longs for her father’s love. One is too young to really understand what’s going on.
Kudos to the author and editing team for a compelling read. More importantly, one of the reviews said that this is based on the author’s own experience. I can’t imagine her strength in going through a fraction of what was described here, and coming out not only intact but able to put the tale in print to help others. Bravo!
The book could have done with a round of developmental editing, since occasionally one section of the narrative didn’t jive with the rest. But this didn’t get in the way of the impact and compelling pull of the story. I read it compulsively, and I seem to be reviewing it compulsively too.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews