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Estrangement of Parents by Their Adult Children
This is the second writing of Ms. Waters' popular first book on the estrangement of parents by their adult children. Much in the contemporary epidemic remains the same, but this second edition includes an extensive new chapter offering estranged parents strategies for coping with this tragic family rift.
When adult children estrange one or both of the shocked parents desperately look for answers. They search for flaws in themselves and their parenting. Hurting and embarrassed, they hide out in their darkest emotional corners while fearing discovery as a parental failure.
Estrangement is often treated as a family squabble that no one wants to talk about. This book discusses likely influences of the estrangement phenomenon, traces the progression of estrangement grief and outlines common characteristics. This second edition also offers ways to find comfort and meaning in life beyond estrangement.
When adult children estrange one or both of the shocked parents desperately look for answers. They search for flaws in themselves and their parenting. Hurting and embarrassed, they hide out in their darkest emotional corners while fearing discovery as a parental failure.
Estrangement is often treated as a family squabble that no one wants to talk about. This book discusses likely influences of the estrangement phenomenon, traces the progression of estrangement grief and outlines common characteristics. This second edition also offers ways to find comfort and meaning in life beyond estrangement.
77 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 17, 2019
166 people are currently reading
71 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
October 22, 2017
Worth every penny!
Excellent author. Direct, comprehensive and informative. For me, a saving grace. I couldn't understand the anger and false stories of bad parenting that magically appeared and started growing through the years by my daughter. Were we on the same planet? Did I cause it by always putting her first? Did I create this narcissistic "me" person who now claims I'm the reason for her unhappiness? I was almost at the point of questioning my own perception of our life when I found this book. Whew!! If you have questions as I did, you'll find clarity and relief in these pages.
Excellent author. Direct, comprehensive and informative. For me, a saving grace. I couldn't understand the anger and false stories of bad parenting that magically appeared and started growing through the years by my daughter. Were we on the same planet? Did I cause it by always putting her first? Did I create this narcissistic "me" person who now claims I'm the reason for her unhappiness? I was almost at the point of questioning my own perception of our life when I found this book. Whew!! If you have questions as I did, you'll find clarity and relief in these pages.
May 31, 2020
Lacking in evidence
This b lol is completely self serving and contains no evidence or bibliography. It is a parents job to care for their child both physically and emotionally. I know someone who cut off their parent for three years and in that time the parent became emotionally self sufficient enough that when the daughter wanted to reconcile, they were able to have a transformed and healthy relationship. Also, this author does not define what "giving up" on a child means. Nonetheless, this author is very articulate and would benefit by adding more specifics and science rather than generalities and emotion
This b lol is completely self serving and contains no evidence or bibliography. It is a parents job to care for their child both physically and emotionally. I know someone who cut off their parent for three years and in that time the parent became emotionally self sufficient enough that when the daughter wanted to reconcile, they were able to have a transformed and healthy relationship. Also, this author does not define what "giving up" on a child means. Nonetheless, this author is very articulate and would benefit by adding more specifics and science rather than generalities and emotion
July 20, 2024
Well that was certainly a book.
I’ll start with the (nominally) good:
Towards the end of the book, there are several nuggets of genuinely good advice: don’t ruminate on negatives and self recrimination, work on yourself and strengthening your other relationships, if you’re flailing and the relationship is worsening, take a break, dont fire off your angry and vindictive thoughts - journal and burn them instead, etc.
That’s… about it for the good unfortunately.
If you are an estranged parent looking for answers and help in repairing your relationship, this book - less a book, really, than a slightly extended 34-page rant from an estranged parenting forum - will take you down a path of deepening self pity and alienation, as it reassures you that there is no possible way you could have done anything to warrant negative reactions from your children and runs through a number of alternate scapegoats, in quick succession:
- money hungry therapists
- malicious children trying to control you
- social media
- permissive parenting
- doing *too many* nice things for your children
- your child’s partner
- an only recently emerged culture of individualism
- The entire mental health industry
- Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous
Etc
I hope the author gets to a point on her healing journey where she’s able to look back at this book and see the common pitfalls she’s fallen into - focusing on intent while ignoring impact, ascribing temporary, external causes to her own negative actions while putting permanent, character driven motivations on others actions that have hurt her, ignoring that there *is* actually a truth at the bottom when one person remembers an event and the other person doesn’t, not understanding that other people’s perspectives and emotional reactions are valid even when they differ from hers, etc.
Two things can be true at the same time: we were trying our best to show our kids love, and we did things that hurt our kids. Learning to get out of shame spirals and out of our focus on our fear and defensiveness can make room for the empathy, listening and patience needed to actually heal our relationships.
This is true even if you feel like your kids reasons for being upset are completely off base, unfair, instigated by someone else, or outright fabricated. Learning to validate and care about the emotions even when you don’t agree with the perspective creates the foundation for building back the trust and mutual care needed to unravel thorny disagreements.
I’ll start with the (nominally) good:
Towards the end of the book, there are several nuggets of genuinely good advice: don’t ruminate on negatives and self recrimination, work on yourself and strengthening your other relationships, if you’re flailing and the relationship is worsening, take a break, dont fire off your angry and vindictive thoughts - journal and burn them instead, etc.
That’s… about it for the good unfortunately.
If you are an estranged parent looking for answers and help in repairing your relationship, this book - less a book, really, than a slightly extended 34-page rant from an estranged parenting forum - will take you down a path of deepening self pity and alienation, as it reassures you that there is no possible way you could have done anything to warrant negative reactions from your children and runs through a number of alternate scapegoats, in quick succession:
- money hungry therapists
- malicious children trying to control you
- social media
- permissive parenting
- doing *too many* nice things for your children
- your child’s partner
- an only recently emerged culture of individualism
- The entire mental health industry
- Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous
Etc
I hope the author gets to a point on her healing journey where she’s able to look back at this book and see the common pitfalls she’s fallen into - focusing on intent while ignoring impact, ascribing temporary, external causes to her own negative actions while putting permanent, character driven motivations on others actions that have hurt her, ignoring that there *is* actually a truth at the bottom when one person remembers an event and the other person doesn’t, not understanding that other people’s perspectives and emotional reactions are valid even when they differ from hers, etc.
Two things can be true at the same time: we were trying our best to show our kids love, and we did things that hurt our kids. Learning to get out of shame spirals and out of our focus on our fear and defensiveness can make room for the empathy, listening and patience needed to actually heal our relationships.
This is true even if you feel like your kids reasons for being upset are completely off base, unfair, instigated by someone else, or outright fabricated. Learning to validate and care about the emotions even when you don’t agree with the perspective creates the foundation for building back the trust and mutual care needed to unravel thorny disagreements.
April 18, 2019
This is refreshingly direct and clear.
I hope more estranged parents write books about their experience. It is difficult to explain the position in which we find ourselves. I wish we could find a way to remove any stigma so that estranged parents can be accepted graciously and empathetically by adults who have not had this experience.
I hope more estranged parents write books about their experience. It is difficult to explain the position in which we find ourselves. I wish we could find a way to remove any stigma so that estranged parents can be accepted graciously and empathetically by adults who have not had this experience.
August 2, 2017
Right on
Anyone suffering from rejection by their adult child should read this . However it should be longer as their many other consequences from this experience.
Anyone suffering from rejection by their adult child should read this . However it should be longer as their many other consequences from this experience.
October 28, 2021
First let me say that as parent of a ED (Estranged Adult Daughter) I have found this book to be a lifesaver. Let me explain why. No one, and I mean no one expects this to happen to them. With the exception of being an abusive/neglectful parent, which I wasn’t, I was and am a great mom... you just don’t see this coming. I was close to my daughter for a very long time. Divorcing her father (he was instrumental in alienating her from me and ultimately me from my beloved grandchildren) with him playing the victim led to this reality. This book lays out EXACTLY the almost textbook steps that took place in my own situation. After starting to read this book I think I took my first real deeeeep breath in 2 years. You feel so isolated in this, you begin to think that maybe, just maybe people believe the stories your adult child promotes as truth. You begin to think that maybe you don’t remember things correctly? You name it, you’ll go through so much questioning, sadness, grief, despair. The one thing that really stood out to me is I’ve described this experience with my daughter as a death. It’s a death that has no service, no finality, no mourning year because the mourning goes on for years) no loving tributes to the deceased, no flowers. Even if you have a loving family and circle of friends, which I do, no one really gets this. This book gives CLARITY about all that is involved in this truly heartbreaking reality that is becoming more common than anyone knows. Many good, attentive, loving parents are experiencing this. Thank you, Susan, for such an amazing, helpful book.
June 30, 2017
Not really helpful. The book doesn't delve into problems isolation causes. It also doesn't explain how the toxic nature of the ED destroys feelings that the adult grandchildren have towards their grandmother. Their minds are poisoned by the ED
And believe everything their told to the point they also cut off all communication with the grandparent. They won't accept any communication. The whole situation seems like a bad dream from which you never wake up.
And believe everything their told to the point they also cut off all communication with the grandparent. They won't accept any communication. The whole situation seems like a bad dream from which you never wake up.
February 3, 2021
So little is written on such a tremendous topic
I wish it were longer..I can't say enough about this topic, the depth of pain and heartache unfortunately can be felt in the words but mostly if you've lived it.
I wish it were longer..I can't say enough about this topic, the depth of pain and heartache unfortunately can be felt in the words but mostly if you've lived it.
October 8, 2021
Very helpful information.
This book is very helpful. It has helped me focus on others and not her. I do have lots of pets so they take up my time. Also, i have another daughter and two lovely Grandchildren.
This book is very helpful. It has helped me focus on others and not her. I do have lots of pets so they take up my time. Also, i have another daughter and two lovely Grandchildren.
March 2, 2024
(Copied from my Amazon Review, because this is important to me)
This rather short book (the kindle version was roughly 38 pages) attempts to take a shallow look into a deep subject. It takes a very Christian-centric, almost (and I’m very hesitant to call it this) baby boomer generation's point of view on why adult children would estrange themselves from their parents.
This book reads as though it’s written by a parent of an estranged child. We see evidence of this as early as page 3 where the author incorrectly defines what a “helicopter parent” is. The author defines it as “[someone who] shuffles themselves and their children between obligations and activities”. A dictionary definition defines it as a “parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children”. The author continues to make claims that children estrange themselves because of “friends, spouses, work, activities and their marriages” or anything else that keeps them busy. In Chapter 5, the author blames adult child estrangement on “childhood permissiveness” and a lack of “honor thy mother and father” mentality. They go on to say that children gain too much of a “me, me, me” attitude, which in turn creates selfish children that don’t care about their parents. When we move to Chapter 6, the author discusses gaslighting, and how adult children will craft elaborate lies and fabricate memories just to (seemingly) spite their parents. We again see the author tie-in “selfishness” with the concept of estrangement. We also see a lot of mocking genuine concerns of mental health, children’s safety and general well-being, which continues into Chapter 7. Where the author attempts to invalidate and mock adult children’s concerns that their parents have mental health issues that affect them. Chapter 9 discusses estrangement dynamics and makes mention of adult children who’ve suffered “actual abuse”. We see more talk of how the parents are the real victims, and the adult children try to make themselves “blameless victims” because “image is important to the adult child”. The chapters that follow, are generally more of the same, with Chapter 10 being about how memes are encouraging adult children to cut off “toxic family members”, and Chapter 11 talking about how these decisions “unfairly impact” the grandchildren.
After reading this opinion piece (calling it a book is mighty generous), I see it as a parent who’s trying to blame their children rather than acknowledge that they may be a flawed parent. From blaming friends, to technology, to seemingly anything else under the sun as the reason their child severed ties. This piece coddles parents by saying “you were a great parent, your child is wrong about you” and attempts to frame the abuser as the victim. There are a lot of projections made in this piece, and it’s honestly concerning that someone published it and people read it and rate it so highly.
As a child who’s estranged herself from her parents, this piece is sickening to read. It comes so close to self-actualization it’s painful. The author tries to explain away everything, and seemingly acknowledges all of the valid reasons an adult child would estrange themselves from their parents. But, the author would rather twist the narrative just a touch, so that it isn’t the parents fault, it’s the child’s fault. It’s unsurprising that some parents would pick this up and identify with it, because it’s easier to pretend you were a good parent than admit that you might have been a bad one.
This rather short book (the kindle version was roughly 38 pages) attempts to take a shallow look into a deep subject. It takes a very Christian-centric, almost (and I’m very hesitant to call it this) baby boomer generation's point of view on why adult children would estrange themselves from their parents.
This book reads as though it’s written by a parent of an estranged child. We see evidence of this as early as page 3 where the author incorrectly defines what a “helicopter parent” is. The author defines it as “[someone who] shuffles themselves and their children between obligations and activities”. A dictionary definition defines it as a “parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children”. The author continues to make claims that children estrange themselves because of “friends, spouses, work, activities and their marriages” or anything else that keeps them busy. In Chapter 5, the author blames adult child estrangement on “childhood permissiveness” and a lack of “honor thy mother and father” mentality. They go on to say that children gain too much of a “me, me, me” attitude, which in turn creates selfish children that don’t care about their parents. When we move to Chapter 6, the author discusses gaslighting, and how adult children will craft elaborate lies and fabricate memories just to (seemingly) spite their parents. We again see the author tie-in “selfishness” with the concept of estrangement. We also see a lot of mocking genuine concerns of mental health, children’s safety and general well-being, which continues into Chapter 7. Where the author attempts to invalidate and mock adult children’s concerns that their parents have mental health issues that affect them. Chapter 9 discusses estrangement dynamics and makes mention of adult children who’ve suffered “actual abuse”. We see more talk of how the parents are the real victims, and the adult children try to make themselves “blameless victims” because “image is important to the adult child”. The chapters that follow, are generally more of the same, with Chapter 10 being about how memes are encouraging adult children to cut off “toxic family members”, and Chapter 11 talking about how these decisions “unfairly impact” the grandchildren.
After reading this opinion piece (calling it a book is mighty generous), I see it as a parent who’s trying to blame their children rather than acknowledge that they may be a flawed parent. From blaming friends, to technology, to seemingly anything else under the sun as the reason their child severed ties. This piece coddles parents by saying “you were a great parent, your child is wrong about you” and attempts to frame the abuser as the victim. There are a lot of projections made in this piece, and it’s honestly concerning that someone published it and people read it and rate it so highly.
As a child who’s estranged herself from her parents, this piece is sickening to read. It comes so close to self-actualization it’s painful. The author tries to explain away everything, and seemingly acknowledges all of the valid reasons an adult child would estrange themselves from their parents. But, the author would rather twist the narrative just a touch, so that it isn’t the parents fault, it’s the child’s fault. It’s unsurprising that some parents would pick this up and identify with it, because it’s easier to pretend you were a good parent than admit that you might have been a bad one.
May 7, 2023
I liked this -- it is a very short read, but it goes into the causes of estrangement. As an estranged parent, it helped me see some of the societal causes of estrangement, the patterns that occur in estrangement, and the effects of estrangement on everyone involved -- including the grandchildren. If you're looking for a book to give you hope and how to cope with estrangement, this isn't the book for you -- it paints a kind of dreary picture of the causes, experience, and outcomes of estrangement. It also describes estrangement as an outcome of current culture that emphasizes looking after "You" first, and that seems to reward children who choose to be estranged from their parents. It didn't paint a very healthy picture of the outcomes for me as an estranged parent -- health problems, mental problems, and even substance abuse.
But it sticks to the facts, gave me a clear idea of what to expect in my own estrangement from an adult child, and helped me see what might have caused this to happen. Implicitly, I was left with the impression that this wasn't my fault.
I was amazed at how accurately it described the experience and phases of estrangement (such as the message of estrangement occurring out of the blue, with the parent not even knowing what they did to cause it).
I may well re-read this given how packed it is with facts about estrangement. It's a keeper in my library.
But it sticks to the facts, gave me a clear idea of what to expect in my own estrangement from an adult child, and helped me see what might have caused this to happen. Implicitly, I was left with the impression that this wasn't my fault.
I was amazed at how accurately it described the experience and phases of estrangement (such as the message of estrangement occurring out of the blue, with the parent not even knowing what they did to cause it).
I may well re-read this given how packed it is with facts about estrangement. It's a keeper in my library.
May 12, 2024
This is an excellent book and helped me enormously. I have searched for answers and am fed up hearing from people who think they know what it’s all about or who assume that the parent has definitely done something really bad but just can’t admit it. Then you get the angry adult children commenting who assume you as the parent have been abusive because they can’t see past their own situation where perhaps they were abused. I work every day with people who had trauma in their childhoods. I am not a perfect parent but I was certainly good enough and that applies to all parents who are loving and who care about their kids. I’m fed up hearing that I’m at fault and when Sharon spoke about how adult kids label their parents with psychiatric disorders I absolutely felt heard. I work in the mental health field so I do understand and yet my adult child has made me doubt myself at times. This book spoke to me and is extremely insightful. It helped me enormously
June 15, 2020
She did off everything I am experiencing as an estranged mother
A quick summation of the phenomenon of being abandoned by your adult child. I found strength to deal with my situation through the authors research and wisdom. Do I like being cut out of my daughter's life? No. But at least now I can understand the problem better than before reading this and, perhaps, forgive my daughter so that I can move forward from here. I cannot control how my daughter feels about me but I can make a good life for myself and move on. If you have been abandoned by an adult child and want to better understand how it happened, read this book.
A quick summation of the phenomenon of being abandoned by your adult child. I found strength to deal with my situation through the authors research and wisdom. Do I like being cut out of my daughter's life? No. But at least now I can understand the problem better than before reading this and, perhaps, forgive my daughter so that I can move forward from here. I cannot control how my daughter feels about me but I can make a good life for myself and move on. If you have been abandoned by an adult child and want to better understand how it happened, read this book.
February 21, 2021
Good Orientation to Estrangement
This is a quick read that will resonate with parents who find themselves gobsmacked by the pain and often surprise of estrangement by adult children who were much loved (I.e. not abused or neglected). It acknowledges the grief and loss that imperfect (normal) parents suffer when their children estrange (and take grandchildren with them), and connects it to larger social trends. The book highlights what many estrangements have in common and is written compassionately for abandoned parents. A good starting point for understanding the dynamics and effects of estrangement.
This is a quick read that will resonate with parents who find themselves gobsmacked by the pain and often surprise of estrangement by adult children who were much loved (I.e. not abused or neglected). It acknowledges the grief and loss that imperfect (normal) parents suffer when their children estrange (and take grandchildren with them), and connects it to larger social trends. The book highlights what many estrangements have in common and is written compassionately for abandoned parents. A good starting point for understanding the dynamics and effects of estrangement.
October 6, 2019
Bit home
Being estranged from my son, I'm going through some tuff times. But after reading this book I now know that I am not at fault. Everything thing that has happened is now making sense. Every line in the book has been used on me, not anymore.
I gave it 4 stars only because it's t went into a lot of elderly concerns.
Being estranged from my son, I'm going through some tuff times. But after reading this book I now know that I am not at fault. Everything thing that has happened is now making sense. Every line in the book has been used on me, not anymore.
I gave it 4 stars only because it's t went into a lot of elderly concerns.
December 21, 2023
I read this book in about 30 minutes. Quick read, but very informative. It is a book I will read on repeat when I question my own ability as a parent. I have to remember this was her choice. No matter who is saying what to her to get her to ostracize me or keep her doing it, ultimately SHE made the choice to walk away from a mother who went above and beyond for her!!!
March 29, 2024
Not Alone!
This book was comforting. After so many years of hurt and embarrassment over being rejected by the son I thought loved me, I discover there's an epidemic of estranged parents. I'm not alone. I'm really NOT the bad person being portrayed to me. I haven't changed, just my attitude.... about MYSELF!
This book was comforting. After so many years of hurt and embarrassment over being rejected by the son I thought loved me, I discover there's an epidemic of estranged parents. I'm not alone. I'm really NOT the bad person being portrayed to me. I haven't changed, just my attitude.... about MYSELF!
January 8, 2026
The content is good but not evidence based. The reading is terrible. Read (reed) instead of read (red). Don't trust the AI readers, they are just not that good yet. But you'll be able to get the gist of this short book. Heavier emphasis on the parent side of the issue, and the author makes it clear.
May 2, 2022
amazing
This has helped me beyond anything else thank you - my heart still breaks at my “loss” but this has helped me I hope towards being a new me. One day, one hour, one minute at a time!
This has helped me beyond anything else thank you - my heart still breaks at my “loss” but this has helped me I hope towards being a new me. One day, one hour, one minute at a time!
February 9, 2025
helpful to parents who feel all alone coping
I read it to see that I'm not alone and find other ways to be happy in spite of the pain of estrangement. This little book didn't disappoint!
I read it to see that I'm not alone and find other ways to be happy in spite of the pain of estrangement. This little book didn't disappoint!
August 25, 2020
Really hits home
Truly appreciate finding out I'm not alone enduring this horrid phenomenon! Thank for putting this into perspective. Hope to hear from my grandsons one day.
Truly appreciate finding out I'm not alone enduring this horrid phenomenon! Thank for putting this into perspective. Hope to hear from my grandsons one day.
November 26, 2020
This is an excellent, spot-on book. Very helpful for anyone facing this sad situation.
August 23, 2021
Excellent book. A hard read, though.
May 16, 2024
Estrangement
Such a helpful book, thank you. Written with such insight, a must read for anyone going through child estrangement .
Such a helpful book, thank you. Written with such insight, a must read for anyone going through child estrangement .
June 7, 2018
Wanted more
I wanted to understand the trama of estrangement from both perspectives. I felt as if this didn't cover both sides effectively
I wanted to understand the trama of estrangement from both perspectives. I felt as if this didn't cover both sides effectively
September 24, 2022
The author wrote an excellent book on what now appears to be a worldwide occurrence.
No 'loving' parent ever expects to be in such a situation and the suggestions of 'to dos'
and those 'not to dos' I feel are quite beneficial.
This book is well worth both the time taken to read, and money spent on the purchase.
No 'loving' parent ever expects to be in such a situation and the suggestions of 'to dos'
and those 'not to dos' I feel are quite beneficial.
This book is well worth both the time taken to read, and money spent on the purchase.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews