Fully Involved: A Guide For Being In A Relationship With A Firefighter

by Mynda Ohs

“In the fire world, “fully involved” refers to a building that is totally engulfed, flames pouring from the windows. In a relationship with a firefighter, you must be fully involved as well.” Falling in love with a firefighter is like falling for someone from another world, because the fire world is not the normal world. A firefighter’s significant other has stepped into a relationship that is exciting yet lonely and challenging. Mynda Ohs learned what it’s like the hard by starting without a clue. In Fully Involved, she shares her experiences of twenty-two years of marriage to a firefighter as well as her expertise as a practicing clinician who specializes in counseling both first responders and couples. From her unique point of view and through her own experiences and those of her family and others, Mynda details everything a firefighter’s significant other the firefighter’s burnout, hypervigilance, compassion fatigue, and PTSD as well as the stress of long absences, the ever-present danger of a line of duty death, and the strain and loneliness of being married yet feeling single. Conceived to help significant others by assuring them that they’re not alone and helping them save their relationships through self-care and communication activities, Fully Involved is a mesmerizing book that will attract a wider audience. Everyone interested in the fire world will want to read it. Chapters that cover subjects from parenting to fire camp to talking about final wishes, while serious about the subject matter, are also entertaining, with titles like “What You Don’t See Is What You Get” and “Talk Isn’t Cheap Unless You Make It That Way.” A popular speaker with fire departments and a respected crisis therapist who has counseled first responders on the scene at tragedies including the Las Vegas Shooting and the Montecito Mudslides, Mynda has written a book offering both personal and professional insights and inspiration.

192 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 4, 2019

Reviews

[Carter · Rating 2 out of 5]

I expected this book to be more of a guide, but if I were to recommend it to someone else I would categorize it as primarily biographical. The perspective Dr. Ohs shares throughout the book is her own, with anecdotes and comments from her husband and two children. It is the perspective of an upper-middle class white family with two children, a stay-at-home mother, and a firefighter father living in suburban California, thereby limiting the relatability and practicality of the advise offered. If she ever revised the book for a second edition, it would be invaluable to see additional perspectives throughout the book from other firefighters, children, and spouses whose experiences may have differed from the Ohs family.

But the factor that keeps me from recommending the book to others is actually the tone. Throughout the book, from page one, Dr Ohs perspective is very negative and off-putting. She describes the "sacrifice" and hardships of being a fire family as if it is an absolute fact that this lifestyle is incredibly challenging no matter what. In actuality, I've worked with many first responder families who thrive in this lifestyle, and the lifestyle can look quite varied. As a clinician, I would have preferred to see a more strength-based perspective explored throughout the book, instead of the martyred "single parent" perspective that is repeatedly reinforced.

Also, for those who intend to read it, there was no TRIGGER WARNING prior to the story told by her husband in chapter 3 "Jeff on Responding to 'That' Call," which I thought was a blaring oversight given she had literally just reviewed vicarious trauma. It also would have been a great opportunity to role model how to discuss boundaries regarding sharing details of a call with your spouse, identifying in advance potential triggers i.e. "calls involving children, suicide, death, murder..." and providing an option to skip ahead in the book to another censored/filtered version of the call, also told from her husband's perspective.

In regard to psychoeducation and practical advise, Dr Ohs does provide solid psychoeducation throughout the book, but again only applied to a narrow perspective with minimal examples. When it comes to strategies for addressing identified challenges, she mentions several times throughout the book "we'll get to that later," and in the very last chapter of the book provides minimal practical advise. Frankly there are several other books that provide much more thorough and applicable advise on the same topic.

In place of this book, I would recommend...
The Firefighter Family Academy: A Guide to Educate and Prepare Spouses for the Career Ahead by: Rachelle Zemlok
I Love a Fire Fighter: What the Family Needs to Know by: Ellen Kirschman

[William Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read for first responder couples

I'm a first year paramedic (12 as an EMTI) married to a 20 years in firefighter. Reading this book has made sense. Even with us both being on the job I feel like it's something I should've been given as a tool 14 years ago. Like hey you're with a firefighter, you need to read this to prepare yourself and to avoid the common things that cause the high divorce rates amongst first responders. I love that it shows both Mynda's view as the spouse (former first responder) and Jeff's view as the first responder. I feel that makes it even more relatable to hear both sides.

[anisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super helpful for those entering a relationship with a firefighter! Definitely assumes that all firefighters are men and their partners are women, but ignoring this, is helpful in decoding the mindset of a fire or EMS partner.

This one does err on the side of putting the fire partner's career over the spouse's, but that makes sense given the subject of the book. There's still a lot to take away with the mindsets and strategies here.

[tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book!

I would highly recommend this book to any fire couple! I wish I would have had it when wr got married, it would have saved us so much heartache! Well done and thank you!

[K · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent read for anyone involved in a relationship with a firefighter. I'm 20 years in at this point, and I still learned a great deal from this book. I'd highly recommend sharing this with anyone who loves a firefighter!

[Kerri Lemmond · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great read for a spouse of a firefighter and the firefighter! Hubby and I both read it. Validated so many of my feelings and issues. Wish I had this book 15 years ago as it would have given me such perspective. Must read for any EMS relationship!!

[Tabitha Panariso · Rating 3 out of 5]

Grateful

I'm so grateful for Mynda taking the time to walk through what it's like being married to a firefighter. I walked away with a few strategies and some new insight into life with a first responder.

[Michelle Schulten · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for any firefighter spouse. Even better if you read it before they start, then keep it handy!

[Amy McConnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this a couple years into my relationship, with having 3 children, so a lot of it I already knew but it was nice to know that they were common issues.

[Lacy Glover · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though every situation may not be current to you, if you’re a first responder couple, you’ve been through it! Very well written!

[Torre Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a nice book to read regarding advice for fire families. I’ve already started using some concepts mentioned to my fiancé who is a firefighter/paramedic and our talks have been great!