My Oxford: A Memoir

by Catherine Haines

Written for the sister of a man who died from anorexia, this is a young woman's experience of the disorder while studying at the University of Oxford. Catherine Haines' lively account of student life is enriched with literary, philosophical and existential questions. As the Cambridge Weight Plan spins out of control, a post-graduate's academic subject, 'the mind-body problem', goes through an existential phase to become 'extraordinary morality' rather than a mental health problem. The iron will with which Catherine imposes on herself ever more onerous conditions is awe-inspiring. The author is clearly fiercely intelligent, as we can see from the way she exposes the ugly truth behind historical depictions of women with eating disorders and indeed the way society frames abstinence from food as an ally of virtue. However, starving her body means that Catherine also begins to starve her brain. Incisive literary criticism of Hamlet descends into feverish noodlings about Einstein's theory of relativity. Her descriptions enfold the reader in the hideous illogic of the anorexic. This is a rigorous, philosophical case for regarding an eating disorder as pilgrimage. My Oxford is a personal exorcism, the kind which writers perform on paper while ghting with demons, fears, fate and death, an exorcism which, while painful, is also saving. 'Made me think deeply about the structure of society in relation to women's bodies. We still frame our conversations about food in terms or virtue. Searingly honest, sparing, taut, tightly controlled, provocative in the best way, considered and beautifully written. Catherine writes an account of how, through her regime of exercise and abnegation, she tries to reach some sort of transcendent truth in the footsteps of Simone Weil. My Oxford will stay with me.' Cathryn Summerhayes , Curtis Brown Literary Agency 'This powerful, thought-provoking debut explores the author's experiences of her eating disorder in a narrative that is emotionally and intellectually complex yet unflinchingly accessible. Her honest, crafted words are alive with meaning both in what they say and in the spaces they create for the reader's imagination.' Frank Egerton , author of The Lock and Invisible

'Catherine has written a precise and gripping memoir that illuminates anorexia in a way I have never encountered. Eloquent and thoughtful, there is so much here for anybody who has wrestled with themselves.' Bridie Jabour , author of The Way Things Should Be 'Superbly written; and as an author myself, I love the sparseness of the text - as if the words were doing to the page what the writer was dong to the flesh. It is a perfect example of the connection between style and content.' Stephen Stoneham 'A rigorous, philosophical case for regarding eating disorder as pilgrimage.' Gwen Davies (adjudication), judge, New Welsh Writing Awards 2017

46 pages, Paperback

Published March 7, 2019

Reviews

[Jackie Law · Rating 4 out of 5]

My Oxford, by Catherine Haines, is a short and very personal memoir of the author’s descent into anorexia. She posits that the eating disorder is akin to a religious belief where eating is regarded as a sin. Religions have long promoted fasting as virtuous, gluttony as weakness, bodily pleasure as morally suspect. In a world where thin is regarded as good this is an interesting angle from which to look at the disorder.

Anorexia is more than a desire to attain a fashionable ideal – to harbour a preoccupation with the superficial. It is a potentially fatal mental illness that raises issues within the sufferer about the way they wish to exist in a world that dictates behaviour yet admires self-control.

Catherine’s problems started in 2011 when, realising she had gained weight, she went on a diet. Her mother suggested the Cambridge Weight Plan which replaces meals with sachets of minerals and nutrients. Combining these with a daily meal of pure protein pushes the body to fuel itself with fat.

Having met her weight loss goals, Catherine moved to Oxford to study. Here she continued to restrict her intake to 1000 calories or less per day.

Catherine’s studies involved an exploration of the overlap between philosophy and literature, focusing on Hamlet. To be or not to be; to exist or not to exist; if life after death is better than life before then why seek to continue?

Despite being severely underweight Catherine continued to exercise and deny her body nourishment. When family and friends voiced concern, she would eat publicly to avoid their censure. She subsequently suffered guilt at all the calories consumed and was exhausted by the effort of her performance.

Catherine’s year at Oxford included a religious conversion during which she was confirmed and took her first communion. Her intended celebration was abandoned when she realised that she was now mentally incapable of eating. Her academic writing grew opaque and fragmented as she struggled to retain energy and reason. Not eating had become an addiction; denying the body its necessary fuel a way of conquering the self and finding salvation.

The writing is clear and concise, the reasoning of the sufferer well presented. It is not a misery memoir but rather an intelligent attempt to understand why skewed ways of thinking can develop such an iron grip on the psyche. It offers much to consider in how society blames those who eat ‘too much’ or ‘too little’, and the damaging consequences this can induce in their mental health.

[Selkie · Rating 1 out of 5]

My Oxford: A Memoir by Catherine Haines; published by New Welsh Rarebyte, 2019 (ISBN 1999352726)
Quality softcover, 2019.
Obtained 24 June 2020 Amazon.com $6.90 ($6.49 retail)