Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi ?

by Joe Kort, Alexander P. Morgan (Primary Contributor)

Jennifer can’t believe it. Just married and pregnant, she discovers that her husband has been meeting Brad for sex. When confronted, Tom doesn’t deny it, but he insists it’s just “a thing” and he isn’t gay. Elsewhere, John’s wife, Karen, discovers that her husband likes to watch gay porn. John doesn’t understand his wife’s reaction. Why does she care what he watches if he’s not unfaithful? In couple’s therapy, Karen and Jennifer raise the same Does this mean my husband is gay? Can my marriage survive?

These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is intended to help couples understand how male sexuality can express itself in ways that may be difficult to understand. Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples (and their therapists) have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and (in many cases) offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed.

Genres: Sexuality

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

Reviews

[Malcolm McPherson]

As someone who has been involved with an online support group for gay heterosexually married men for the last eight years, I found this new book by Joe Kort to be excellent. There are many reasons why men may have sex with men and being gay is one of them. The married men who do are often confused about their behaviour and their wives confused and devastated. It is important to understand the underlying cause rather than leap to conclusions.

Joe Kort's book is not academic. It aims to be accessible to the general reader, especially the woman in the relationship. I believe that he has succeeded and the book is an important contribution to the conversation.

[Asungushe B.]

Writing from the standpoint that sexuality is fluid rather than categorized, Joe challenges you to understand that "homosexual" behavior does not define sexual orientation per se. In fact, certain sexual behaviour is connected to childhood abuse and is actually coming from a ghost of frightened child trying to tell his story. Only by giving this child his own voice and allowing it to be heard through therapy, can true healing take place.

Surprisingly, the abuse need not be sexual. A domineering mother, an emotional unavailable father, gender dis-affirming community --- are possible culprits. One more proof that our biography shapes our biology; if you ask me.