A Parent's Guide to Divorce: How to Raise Happy, Resilient Kids Through Turbulent Times

by Karen Becker

A Parent's Guide to Divorce is every family's reference for raising healthy, happy children of all ages through divorce at all stages.

Healthy, thriving children have strong family bonds—but that doesn't mean their parents need to stay married. A Parent's Guide to Divorce coaches both high-conflict and cooperating parents alike on how to best address children's needs to become a stronger and closer family than before.

From creating a parenting plan to navigating the post-divorce world, this child-centered reference teaches you what to say and do to guide your children through divorce. With age-specific guidance for toddlers to young adults, A Parent's Guide to Divorce offers proactive solutions to make your child a priority as you successfully transition to co-parenting.

A Parent's Guide to Divorce helps your family overcome divorce and start a new chapter

Divorce is a difficult time for you and your children, but it's only part of your story. A Parent's Guide to Divorce shows you how to turn a new page and give your kids a childhood filled with positive memories.

Genres: Parenting

148 pages, Paperback

Published November 13, 2018

Reviews

[Wafa Ouazeta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Contents:
- Introduction………………………….pix
Ch one: create a parenting plan01………..p01
Ch two: separation starts…………….p25
Ch three: During the divorce………p53
Ch four: Navigating the post –divorce world…..p87
Ch five: Strengthening your bond…….p107
- Parenting plan checklist……..p123
- Resources……………….p126
Ch one: create a parenting plan01:
- parenting plans in written set of guide lines and decisions to help on parents work together as parents even though they’re living apart.
- A parenting plan helps with the day to day issues that comme up as you parents your children.
Plan guidance for children after divorce:
1. Identify the emotion that comes with the trigger. means to talk to your children about the divorce, because maybe feeling fear that they will be angry with you for the divorce.
2. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.means you shouldn’t be so angry.
3. Redired ant let it go, means it’s time to redirect after you’re felt what you needed to fell.
- The reality is that divorce is filled with fear. while these are great steps to help you with your emotions. its not possible to get the hope and acceptance part of the stages without for giveness does not erase what’t happened.
Make your children your priority:
- It’s important to make your children a priority, but it’s hard to do that if you haven’t spent time handling your own emotions first.
- children need both of their parents in their lives because after the divorce, they needs structure, routine and parents who are free of conflict.
- parents usually fall into certain roles in the marriage one of the hardes times for children of divorced families is the transitions between the homes than each house will have its wn feel to it… .
Parenting plan checklist:
- when you and your spouse decide to get divorced, you will begin working together to discuss and create your parenting plan.





Parental separation and divorce:

Parental separation and divorce can be an especially stressful time for children because children lose some amount of time with at least one of their parents and many changes occur in their family all at once . When children feel secure that their parents love them and will continue to care for them and be available to them in a consistent way, this creates a healthy “attachment” to parents (or other caregivers) who are of primary importance in a child’s life . The children who appear most vulnerable to developing problems are those who experience many changes and transitions during childhood (e .g ., divorces, remarriages, moves, changing schools) . ›› There are ways parents can co-parent together and parent individually that are especially important for helping children cope with the stresses of parental separation or divorce . This class will teach you about attitudes and behaviors that you can adopt in the here and now . ››
Coparenting means that both parents maintain a shared focus on their child’s well-being and encourage a respectful view of the other parent . It also means that each parent actively supports the other parent’s time and involvement with their child — “opening the gate” to the other parent so that children don’t feel they have to choose — and lose . ›› While many children have difficulties following their parents’ separation or divorce — including sad, angry, confused, worried, and scared feelings and behaviors that get them into trouble — most children learn to deal with the changes in their family . With time and continued support from their parents, they can grow up to be as happy and healthy as children whose parents did not separate or divorce .
Separation and divorce is stressful, but parents can help their children adjust and feel secure: • Be warm and responsive • Act consistently and continue to have expectations for your children’s behavior Keep your anger out of your relationship with your children.
III. healthy Co-parenting
Co-parenting in a positive way means that you as parents maintain a shared focus on your child’s well-being and talk to and about each other in a respectful tone in front of your child . Positive co-parenting is not the same as being two independent positive parents . You may be highly responsive and nurturing to your child, but still criticize or blame the other parent when your child can hear . In the best-case scenario, parents are able to share their parenting problems with each other without fear that the other parent will use that information to get an advantage in court . If parents don’t share their parenting problems with one another, they build the stage for their child to play them off one another . Children will take advantage if they see holes in parents’ co- parenting armor that they might wiggle round or through, especially if they are pre-adolescents or
adolescents . All children do this, it is part of their experimenting with rules and behaviors; they may be more effective at wiggling through separated parents if they are not communicating well . Stay ahead of them! gatekeeping occurs when one parent helps or blocks the other parent in his or her parenting role — essentially “opening” or “closing” the other’s access to their children . “Closing the gate” on the other parent interferes with the development of a positive co-parenting relationship and hurts children and parent- child relationships . Research shows that when children get along better with both parents, they have closer relationships to each parent . The competitive approach doesn’t play out so well for any family member when it comes to co-parenting .


Positive Co-parenting Do’s and Don’ts
DO
• Encourage children’s time with their other parent, as well as visits with grandparents and members of the other parent’s family .
• Encourage phone contact with the other parent, or other parent’s family members .
• Have your child ready for pick-up (or help with transportation) when it is time to see the other parent .
• Reassure your child that he or she will be able to see the other parent .
• Speak positively (or at least neutrally) about a parent your child sees less often; keep that parent’s presence “alive” in the child when they are not together (e .g ., “Oh you have to remember to show Daddy this picture you drew when you see him in a few days . He’d love this one .”) .
• Forward all emails concerning your children’s activities, including changes and cancellations, to the other parent .
• Inform the other parent about school and day care conferences, and if you get along well enough, schedule them at a time you both can attend .
• Allow extra time for your child to be with the other parent on special occasions .
• Be supportive to the other parent, especially in times of crisis .
DON’T
• Choose to carry the weight of parenting by yourself; get help to make it work better for both of you .
• Insist on primary responsibility for childrearing as if no other parent exists .
• Criticize the other parent’s behavior to your child or to another grownup when your child is listening .
• Undermine or refuse to comply with the other parent’s time with the child or care giving plans .
• Forget or refuse to inform the other parent of significant events in your child’s life .
• Give up on finding a way to support the other parent’s ability to work with you regarding your child’s developmental needs or extra support that he/she may require .
• Change schedules at the last minute so that the other parent cannot maintain plans to see the child, or refuse requests for change that allow the other parent to see the children at another time when work or other events interfere with regular parenting schedules .

Children after separation:
›› Children often feel a great deal of stress when parents separate and it’s up to the parents to make it as painless as possible for them . Try not to put your children in the middle of adult conflicts or expect your child to be a friend or caretaker of you .
›› Anticipate what will be most difficult for your child based on your knowledge of his or her temperament — the traits and sensitivities with which he/she was born . Some children are easygoing about most things and they adjust quickly; other children are more shy, cautious, or slow- to-warm-up and they make changes more slowly . Parents who keep their child’s temperament in mind can prepare them for situations so that children can respond to the new situations without too much upset . Tailor your parenting behaviors and your parenting plan to the particular temperaments — and to any special needs — of each of your children .
›› Children often have difficulties adjusting to change and transitions between parents and houses in the early stages of separation, even when parents cooperate well and there is a minimum of conflict about parenting decisions . These transition difficulties are not necessarily the fault of the other parent . If you can work together as co-parents to understand what is hard for your child at any point and how you can make things easier, you will learn what your child can or cannot handle . ›› Children need to continue to have a relationship with both parents whenever possible, which includes each parent making room for open discussion about your child’s feelings (hurt, sadness, anger), experiences, and questions about the separation or divorce . ›› Children need to understand the changes that are happening in their family, but without hearing all the details about what led to the separation or divorce, parents’ own worries, conflict between parents, etc . Children do better when they do not know too much about what their parents feel and need during the separation or divorce . It is your job to protect them from having too much information, at too young an age .

In most situations, children desire to — and have the right to — spend time with both of their parents, regardless of how you feel about each other . Seeing both parents as regularly as possible helps children maintain their emotional connections with each parent despite the separation or divorce .
›› Child support is for the children, even though it passes through your ex-partner or spouse . Its purpose is to maintain a standard of living for children so that they better adjust to their parents living apart . Child support is the right of the child, and therefore cannot be bargained away by the parent(s), or reduced by one parent’s decision .
›› Working out conflicts with your child’s other parent can be upsetting, maddening, or can cause you to feel really anxious . Some parents turn over decision making to the courts because they cannot do it together . You will have different choices for how to become divorced, divide what you own, and plan how to raise your children . These are called “dispute resolution options” in the courts . Before you turn decisions over to a judge, it is important to know about the choices of dispute resolution that are open to you
Mediation and collaborative family law are two types of dispute resolution that encourage parents to work together outside of court for the benefit of themselves and their children . Both types involve open sharing of information and a commitment to reaching solutions that benefit both parents and the children . Communication is direct between parents rather than through lawyers .
›› In JDR, a judge meets with parents (and usually their lawyers) for at least half a day to discuss any matters that are still in dispute . The judge may try to direct parents toward agreement . However, the judge cannot make a decision and insist on a resolution . If a settlement is reached, the judge may grant a consent order .
›› Resolution Services has programs designed to help parents who are interested in getting, changing, or disputing child support . These programs use officers of the court to help parents mediate their conflict, and provide ways to get a court order without returning to court if they reach an agreement.
A parenting plans:
Parenting plans are most useful when they meet children’s needs at whatever ages they are — but are also practical — that is, parents can make the plans work .
›› Many children want their voices to be heard during the separation or divorce . Most children will want to say what is important to them but not to have to choose which parent they get to live with most of the time . Parents can listen to what children say they want, while making it clear to their children that the final decision rests with them alone . This will protect your children from feeling guilty later, and it reminds them that you are still the parents and they are still the children .
As part of your parenting plan, build in regular times for each parent to spend time alone with each of your children . Children treasure this time and are more likely to talk about what they’re feeling when they have time alone with a parent . Remember that time together is more important than the activity itself . Hanging out time is important to children of all ages .
›› Strive for a balance of consistency and flexibility in your parenting schedules . Children will find it easier to see both of you when you follow a routine, and when you honor your commitments to your child by showing up on time . But it is also important to make room for changes in schedules that will arise because of parent work schedules, special family events, or children’s activities . Your child will learn about how to cooperate with other people from what he/she watches as you work out the schedule with the other parent over time .
Parts of a Parenting Plan
A. Decision Making :The parenting plan specifies who makes the major decisions affecting your child . It gives parents clear authority for making big decisions about education, health, and religion, and states whether parents will be making decisions together or one parent will have more authority for making certain kinds of decisions . Deciding which parent will make particular kinds of decisions can be based on:
• The way in which major decisions were made between parents before the separation
• Degree of cooperation between parents
• Each parent’s ability and willingness to participate in future decision-making
• Each parent’s expertise or area of knowledge (for example, one parent who is an EMT; the other parent who is a Special Education teacher with reading specialization)
B. Parenting Time Schedule: A residential schedule specifies parenting time for each parent; that is, when the children will be in the care of each parent . Schedules are most useful when they are specific, detailing the amount of time children will spend with each parent during:
• school year
• summers
• holidays, vacations, and special occasions such

[Christine Rushford · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very easy read with practical suggestions for every stage of divorce AND every stage of development.