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Two of Us
Book by Larry J. Uhrig
140 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 1984
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May 16, 2024
AN MCC PASTOR OFFERS ADVICE TO LGBT COUPLES
Larry Jo Uhrig (1945-1993) was ordained as a Methodist clergy, and served two years as an assistant pastor. He then ‘came out,’ and affiliated with the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), and served as Pastor of the MCC in Washington, D.C.
He wrote in the Foreword to this 1984 book, “I had to write this book. I had to have a way to express all the things I have been seeing and feeling. Two factors produce my response in writing: they are frustration and hope. First, frustration… Years of counseling with gay couples and of watching individuals attempting to form a relationship have produced a deep and unsettling frustration within me. I have watched myself and others chase after the myth of the knight in shining armor… We have longed to run off to a little white picket fence in the country or some similar secluded place. All of this has suggested to us that having a relationship that lasted was the result of some serendipitous cupid whose arrow eventually found our heart. In frustration, we have fled lover after lover, spouse after spouse… Hope is found in knowing that two persons can have a relationship if they truly want one. Hope is knowing couples who have been together for many, many years. Hope is knowing that the stereotypical statement, ‘Gay relationships don’t last’ is a lie perpetuated by ignorance… Hope comes from the deep self-awareness that I will never meet all the needs of another person and that they will never meet all of my needs. This wonderful awareness certainly sets one free to accept the other person for who they are and who they are not.” (Pg. 13-14)
He observes, “In every relationship---in every coupling of adult individuals---there is some quest for social sanction and affirmation of the bonding. Persons in relationship need others who play significant roles in their lives to affirm the union. This need is met in several ways in our culture. In traditional heterosexual culture, there is the sometimes ominous but always important even of introducing one’s espoused to one’s family… Since this is the social norm in our culture, homosexual couples clearly encounter a sizable barrier even at the outset. Except for those who are out to the world, few of us can safely introduce our love or spouse to our co-workers, or even to all our friends; family introductions also pose special problems.” (Pg. 19)
He observes, “If one of you has strong religious convictions and the other has none, you are again confronted with the material for discord… This is a common problem among gay couples; many of us have shied away from a religion which condemns out sexuality. This, we may not consider ourselves particularly religious, while actually we are operating from a base of strong religious traditions. This ambiguity about religion accounts for much of today’s relationship counseling and therapy.” (Pg. 33-34)
He explains, “The word ‘faithfulness’ has been used traditionally to mean sexual exclusivity. This is not my meaning here. Faithfulness is to be honest and to keep it (i.e., be faithful to) the mutual agreement no matter the content of the agreement.” (Pg. 58)
He notes, “Our culture has gone to great lengths to separate sexuality and spirituality. We do not think of spirituality ever expressing sexuality; we may, in fact, use spirituality to control sexual energy. Our culture is obsessed with sexual imagery; it employs that imagery even in the marketplace, while at the same time reinforcing many taboos regarding sexual expression. This sexual-spiritual split affects us all. Gay men and lesbians in particular are keenly aware of this split and probably have a tendency to accept it without question.” (Pg. 76-77)
He explains, “Repeatedly I am asked if I believe gay people can have a successful relationship---the term ‘success’ usually meaning a long-term, even lifetime, union together. Our community’s skepticism about the likelihood of long-term gay relationships is founded in part on myth and in part on history. The dramatic rise in the heterosexual divorce rate does not strengthen one’s hopes for success in any relationship; gay relationships are further complicated by the lack of adequate role models in our community. Too few of us can point to truly successful gay relationships among our circles of friends. Our low expectations are also influenced by the myth that gay relationships do not last. Let’s address that myth for a moment. Historically, the gay bar has been the social and political center of gay subculture in America… Gay people in bonded relationships just don’t frequent these bars… They work, socialize, attend church, participate in the political process and are engaged in life endeavors not unlike other couples in America… These lives are not extraordinary; they are conspicuous only by their absence from the ‘gay scene.’” (Pg. 96-97)
He points out, “The issue of remaining single is still a difficult one. This book assumes a preference for pair-bonding in the gay community, for it appears to me that pair-bonding is a universal process, found in all cultures. In this book, therefore, I try to give pair-bonding in our community a healthy structure. yet countless people have chosen to live alone, to make no covenant with another. We as a society and we as a gay subculture cannot assume these single people to be unhappy… a single lifestyle can certainly function in moral and healthy ways to include sexual expression.” (Pg. 113-114)
This book will be of great interest to LGBT persons interesting in ‘pair-bonding.’
Larry Jo Uhrig (1945-1993) was ordained as a Methodist clergy, and served two years as an assistant pastor. He then ‘came out,’ and affiliated with the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), and served as Pastor of the MCC in Washington, D.C.
He wrote in the Foreword to this 1984 book, “I had to write this book. I had to have a way to express all the things I have been seeing and feeling. Two factors produce my response in writing: they are frustration and hope. First, frustration… Years of counseling with gay couples and of watching individuals attempting to form a relationship have produced a deep and unsettling frustration within me. I have watched myself and others chase after the myth of the knight in shining armor… We have longed to run off to a little white picket fence in the country or some similar secluded place. All of this has suggested to us that having a relationship that lasted was the result of some serendipitous cupid whose arrow eventually found our heart. In frustration, we have fled lover after lover, spouse after spouse… Hope is found in knowing that two persons can have a relationship if they truly want one. Hope is knowing couples who have been together for many, many years. Hope is knowing that the stereotypical statement, ‘Gay relationships don’t last’ is a lie perpetuated by ignorance… Hope comes from the deep self-awareness that I will never meet all the needs of another person and that they will never meet all of my needs. This wonderful awareness certainly sets one free to accept the other person for who they are and who they are not.” (Pg. 13-14)
He observes, “In every relationship---in every coupling of adult individuals---there is some quest for social sanction and affirmation of the bonding. Persons in relationship need others who play significant roles in their lives to affirm the union. This need is met in several ways in our culture. In traditional heterosexual culture, there is the sometimes ominous but always important even of introducing one’s espoused to one’s family… Since this is the social norm in our culture, homosexual couples clearly encounter a sizable barrier even at the outset. Except for those who are out to the world, few of us can safely introduce our love or spouse to our co-workers, or even to all our friends; family introductions also pose special problems.” (Pg. 19)
He observes, “If one of you has strong religious convictions and the other has none, you are again confronted with the material for discord… This is a common problem among gay couples; many of us have shied away from a religion which condemns out sexuality. This, we may not consider ourselves particularly religious, while actually we are operating from a base of strong religious traditions. This ambiguity about religion accounts for much of today’s relationship counseling and therapy.” (Pg. 33-34)
He explains, “The word ‘faithfulness’ has been used traditionally to mean sexual exclusivity. This is not my meaning here. Faithfulness is to be honest and to keep it (i.e., be faithful to) the mutual agreement no matter the content of the agreement.” (Pg. 58)
He notes, “Our culture has gone to great lengths to separate sexuality and spirituality. We do not think of spirituality ever expressing sexuality; we may, in fact, use spirituality to control sexual energy. Our culture is obsessed with sexual imagery; it employs that imagery even in the marketplace, while at the same time reinforcing many taboos regarding sexual expression. This sexual-spiritual split affects us all. Gay men and lesbians in particular are keenly aware of this split and probably have a tendency to accept it without question.” (Pg. 76-77)
He explains, “Repeatedly I am asked if I believe gay people can have a successful relationship---the term ‘success’ usually meaning a long-term, even lifetime, union together. Our community’s skepticism about the likelihood of long-term gay relationships is founded in part on myth and in part on history. The dramatic rise in the heterosexual divorce rate does not strengthen one’s hopes for success in any relationship; gay relationships are further complicated by the lack of adequate role models in our community. Too few of us can point to truly successful gay relationships among our circles of friends. Our low expectations are also influenced by the myth that gay relationships do not last. Let’s address that myth for a moment. Historically, the gay bar has been the social and political center of gay subculture in America… Gay people in bonded relationships just don’t frequent these bars… They work, socialize, attend church, participate in the political process and are engaged in life endeavors not unlike other couples in America… These lives are not extraordinary; they are conspicuous only by their absence from the ‘gay scene.’” (Pg. 96-97)
He points out, “The issue of remaining single is still a difficult one. This book assumes a preference for pair-bonding in the gay community, for it appears to me that pair-bonding is a universal process, found in all cultures. In this book, therefore, I try to give pair-bonding in our community a healthy structure. yet countless people have chosen to live alone, to make no covenant with another. We as a society and we as a gay subculture cannot assume these single people to be unhappy… a single lifestyle can certainly function in moral and healthy ways to include sexual expression.” (Pg. 113-114)
This book will be of great interest to LGBT persons interesting in ‘pair-bonding.’
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