Divorcing Mom: A Memoir of Psychoanalysis

by Melissa Knox, Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson (Forward)

Psychoanalysis was her family's religion—instead of wafers and wine, there were Seconals, Nembutals, and gin. Baptized into the faith at fourteen, Melissa Knox endured her analyst’s praise of her childlike, victimized mother—who leaned too close, ate off Melissa’s plate, and thought “pedophile” meant “silly person.” Gaslighted with the notions that she’d seduced her father, failed to masturbate, and betrayed her mother, Melissa shouldered the blame. Her story of a family pulled into and torn apart by psychoanalysis exposes the abuse inherent in its authoritarianism as Melissa learns, with a startling sense of humor and admirable chagrin, that divorcing Mom is sometimes the least crazy thing to do.

218 pages, Hardcover

First published January 22, 2019

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Following her enrollment at a summer camp program, 14 year old Melissa Knox was severely depressed and unable to speak or leave the house. The counseling staff notified her parents of her compulsive and inappropriate topics of sex and masochism, and Knox was placed in therapy with Dr. Oscar Sternbach; a Viennese psychoanalyst that escaped the Holocaust, and maintained a practice in upper Manhattan. In “Divorcing Mom: A Memoir of Psychoanalysis” Knox shared her compelling and troubling story about her shocking psychoanalysis and the extreme family and parental dysfunction that led her to treatment that continued for two decades.

In the introduction, by Jeffrey Masson PhD. the author of several books that discredit what he calls the “authoritarianism inherent in psychoanalysis”. Most therapy takes place in private offices and is usually confidential. Not all analysists are ethical; in fact, some are completely “unhinged” according to Masson. This was clearly obvious regarding Dr. Sternbach in the case of Knox: he insisted that only his views of her and/or any situation were correct, he threatened, manipulated the facts with untruths and outrageous lies, he often intimated Knox by yelling, name calling, and aggressively pounding his fists on nearby objects. Knox was solely blamed for the poor relationship she had with her clueless, neglectful (artist) mother, who was paying for her therapy. Masson pointed out the Sternbach had no interest in Knox’s reality, and wanted complete control of her life. It was also interesting to note that Sternbach was never questioned by others or censored by his peers.
The story alternated somewhat between past and present time periods, the narrative was from the viewpoint of a confused deeply troubled Knox as a teen and young adult, to the married educated professional that she eventually became. Knox was highly intelligent, studied at Colombia University, and earned a PhD. in English. It wasn’t surprising that Knox's advanced educational study took about ten years. Understandably, her healing process also took a longer amount of time, considering her dependency on Dr. Sternbach.

Freudian psychoanalysis is no longer taught in psychological programs or course work at American colleges and universities. The reasons Knox didn’t discontinue her treatment and file a malpractice lawsuit against Dr. Sternbach were connected to her lack of self-esteem, confidence, and inability to get well. Without any stable or meaningful support from her family or others, the odds were piled against her right from the start. While this is an unsettling read, it is an important book that not only illustrates the downfall of unchecked psychoanalysis, but the necessity and value of healthy family relationships for growth and development. ~ 3.5* GOOD. **With thanks and appreciation to Cynren Press via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Divorcing Mom is a harrowing and complex book about a 14 year old girl who began therapy with a Freudian psychotherapist was abusive and demeaning and dominated Ms. Knox well into adulthood. He was hired by Melissa Knox's mother, a highly narcissistic and damaged woman, whose negative beliefs and flawed vision of her daughter gave the therapist all of the room he wanted to control Knox until mid-adulthood. It is hard to believe how this was able to continue but Melissa Knox but her own impaired view of herself after so many years of abuse with no one to nurturer or protect her.

While this book was advertised as funny I never laughed. I was filled with fury and loathing for all of the adults that preyed upon Ms. Knox. I admired her for her ability to tell this well-written complex story with verve and clarity. I was all in reading this story.

I would like to say that therapists no long abuse or demand full control of their clients lives but it is untrue. While Freudian psychotherapy has mostly fallen out of favor with its twisted belief's about women, given the power dynamic between client and therapist, it is not uncommon for clients to be damaged by them.

Thank you for this brave story and thank you to Edelweiss for allowing me to review this book for an honest opinion.

[Samantha // fictionfigurine · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was pretty disturbed by this book throughout. At times I thought, “This is the strangest memoir I’ve ever read”. Melissa Knox resells memories of growing up with a clearly mentally unstable mother, being a victim of sexual abuse, incest, and neglect. This memoir was more than Melissa “divorcing mom”. It describes years of improper psychoanalysis, to which she eventually realizes.

While there were times I came across a particularly profound internal thought shared by Melissa, I did not look forward to reading more, nor do I recommend this book to others. If the intention was to disturb the reader, I would say this book was successful at doing so.

While this memoir may be interesting to a psychology student, I don’t recommend this book for the average consumer reader.

[Susan Balee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir's prose drew me immediately -- lots of sensory details, great dialogue, humor in the midst of tragedy. As others have said, there's much in here that's painful: this author, like Augusten Burroughs, Susannah Kaysen, Tobias Wolff, and so, so many other writers endured a childhood skating on the borders of madness. Her parents were themselves troubled children in the bodies of adults, but she had no other caretakers, so, like Faulkner's Dilsey, she endured. Unlike Dilsey, she wasn't stoic about it!

As America has become increasingly secular, other belief systems have taken the place that religion once held. In New York City in the 1950s, the new religion was Psychoanalysis. In earlier times, couples met in church; Knox's parents, however, were set up by their psychoanalyst, a catastrophe that the author decodes decades later. Psychoanalysts are not gods, though many of them would like to be, and the two the author knew were flawed beings who wielded enormous power over those who sought their counsel. Her parents were never able to successfully break away from the Freudian religion, but the author did, and has lived to tell its secrets, as well as the secrets of the family that thought psychoanalysis might make them whole.

[Bernard · Rating 5 out of 5]

The resilience and humor of this incredible tale of being brainwashed and overcoming the brainwasher brings to mind Henry James's remark: "The increasing seriousness of things--that's the great opportunity for jokes." Melissa Knox manages to move beyond the pain she had to endure and the authoritarian analyst who told her what to think and what to feel. A captivating story full of insights, told in a light yet sophisticated manner. Highly recommended--also for readers who have not experienced dysfunctional families or a dishonest analyst themselves.

[M A · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was privileged to read the early galleys of this brave recounting of a young woman abused by childish, violent parents and her exploitative psychoanalyst. This is a tale of psychoanalysts crazier than their patients, parents who sought parenting from their children, and an isolated teenager struggling to free herself from their web--told with trenchant yet heartbreaking humor.

[Lisa M. · Rating 3 out of 5]

So many memoirs share important stories but are not supported by good writing. The story in this book is an important one that should be told and it is supported by rich writing. Knox is clearly a talented writer, which was relief! It is so difficult to open up about abuse by power figures, whether they be parents or therapists. Knox does not shy away from shining light on her abusers, even her well-known psychoanalyst. I appreciate this. While my story is different, I also came from an abusive household and was in that unique position of feeling for Knox but also being comforted that I could relate to what someone else was going through. This book has a lot to work with, but I do feel there were areas that could have been improved. The text is really large, and I assume it was too stretch the length of the book. I wish Knox had taken more time to frame this work. While it was not and does not need to be academic, some framework about psychoanalysis would benefit readers who are less familiar with it and how it varies from common therapy models used today. I think exploring her relationship with the analysist more thoroughly, and using this as the framework of the book, would have helped her messaging more. I think everything she shared here was good and important and needed, but there was a meandering quality that could have been more focused, making her message more clear. More form would also contrast the inappropriate behavior of her parents, making that even more clear. This was a strong memoir and I will certainly pursue more of her writing.

[Kathleen Garber · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author, Melissa Knox, lived a strange life. I’m all for psychonalysis but her parents took it to a whole other level. Her parents had a psychotherapist, emphasis on the psycho. Then they got her one and he was weird and inappropriate with her.

I have had counsellors and psychologists in my lifetime and it’s never been anything like what she went through. I hope there aren’t therapists like that around now. If you aren’t sure if your therapist is acting appropriately or giving you good advice, read this book. If it looks like what she went through, RUN!

The book isn’t long but it gets the point across. I hope it doesn’t scare readers away from therapy though, as that is NOT what it’s supposed to be like.

I’m not sure what else to say about this book and the author’s story except it made me appreciate my mom more.

[Clazzzer C · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting memoir about Melissa Knox's life, and how too much psychoanalysis of every single event involving her family members almost resulting in her family imploding. There was a reason, a consequence, a lesson to be learned from absolutely every event, so much so that family life became a burden and a chore. When divorcing mom is the most sensible and least inhibiting course of action then something must certainly be wrong. While this was quite well written and eye opening at times, I didn't really find that it made for enjoyable reading. I found it to be quite a chore at times. That said, that's only my opinion and I'm sure it most certainly will be to others' taste!!

[Melpub · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brainwashing is the name of the game in this startlingly clear exposé of psychoanalysis as it was practised in many circles on the Upper West Side of Manhattan in the late 20th century. Melissa's tale of entrapment by a bullying therapist who seemed an all-powerful god (indeed, he told the girl he was "the only one who can help you") is gripping: an underdog transcends a profoundly disturbing relationship. Overcoming the feeling that she's giving up everything when she leaves her therapist, Melissa awakens to the realization that her life has been stolen, but there's still plenty of it left, and now she's finally in charge of it.

[Janilyn Kocher · Rating 2 out of 5]

Divorcing Mom is a bizarre book. I did not like it at all. There is no introduction to the author, readers are plunged into her strange story. The chapters are rambling recollections with no cohesion. The author spent years with a therapist who did more damage than anything else. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.

[Rhonda Lomazow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Melissa Knox has written a raw open honest memoir ,a memoir a young woman’s suffering sexual abuse at her parents and her analysts hands .An unimaginable life suffering no child should endure.Melissa Knox is a brave woman whose life is not easy to read about but a story you wil not forget.# Edelweiss.

[Jill Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I never cease to be amazed by the incredibly difficult childhoods/young adult-hoods that some people undergo - or by the resilience and strength that so many exhibit in overcoming such horrid beginnings... Melissa Knox's memoir is a prime example of this. In a no-holds-barred voice that wanders over, under, and through her experiences, Knox relates a horrifying series of events that can all be traced to an obsessive familial dependence on psychoanalysis. It's a tough, gut-wrenching read, and bearing witness to it was difficult at times. But, as with all life, there are also moments of levity and silliness that provided an even more startling counterpoint by contrast. I can't say that I enjoyed the read - it was difficult and disjointed, much like Knox's experiences.

Thanks to the publisher for my review copy.

[Stefani Akins · Rating 4 out of 5]

With this and my last review, I seem to be on a bit of a mental health track, but I assure you it’s complete coincidence. I was sucked in by the promise that “Divorcing Mom” would be humorous, and while it is very well written and engaging, you won’t find much to laugh about.

Melissa is fourteen when she is first sent to Dr. Sternbach, her mother’s psychiatrist. This is New York, don’t you know, and for decades (and perhaps still) it was stereotypical that at some point, as a New Yorker, you would go to therapy. If there was no discernible reason, the shrink would surely find something wrong with you. What is wrong with Melissa is her parents’ sham of a marriage, orchestrated and dominated by “Aunt Berkeley”, her father’s therapist and muse. Dad is an abusive alcoholic, mom is an overly naive narcissist with masochistic tendencies. Melissa’s younger brother escapes from this setting by embarking on a course of substance abuse and truancy early on. All Melissa wants to do is dance, but soon she is informed by Dr. Sternbach that dance merely serves as a replacement for the sex she so obviously craves and as an outlet for her need for attention.

Through high school, college and beyond, Sternbach directs every aspect of Melissa’s life, dangling her pathetic mother in front of her like a Virgin Mary to be emulated. Her only confidante is her cousin Ceci. But when adult Melissa learns of her own mother’s abuse at the hands of her grandfather, this fragile alliance proves to be built on shaky ground.

I’m not sure why the book stuck with the title “Divorcing Mom” since every effort Melissa makes to do so is thwarted quickly and effectively by her psychiatrist. Only well into her grown years can she finally emancipate herself and find the distance she needs to maintain her relationship and her sanity.

“Divorcing Mom” is a shocking insight into a different kind of abuse, perpetrated by a professional who seems to care very little about his patients’ well-being, as long as he can be in total control. If psychology and mental health are of interest to you, I recommend you give this a read.

“Divorcing Mom” is published by Cynren Press. I received an ARC via Netgalley. All opinions are entirely my own.