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A Man To Die For: A Short Read
Aishling marries a kind, decent man who gradually turns into a violent monster. When she finally leaves him she thinks it's the start of a new life for herself and her kids. But will Josh ever let her go?
14 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 14, 2018
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January 22, 2021
This is a short story which I always have trouble writing reviews for. I dislike giving away the story and I find it nearly impossible to write a good review for a short story.
In this story we have Aishling who is married to Josh and has a daughter, Ella, and a son, Rory. This is a cautionary tale about domestic violence. I have experience in that so my feelings on the book, (and my review), are colored by my experience.
I feel that the author did well getting inside Aishling’s head. The surprise of the first time it happens. The confusion you feel and the gaslighting that begins in that moment. Domestic violence doesn’t always begin this way but it did for me. Everything was fine, (getting along, minor arguments, making up..normal experience) until suddenly it wasn’t. The shock of being struck leaves you reeling. I remember thinking, “what just happened?” I, like Aishling, believed it was a one off. I gave all kinds of excuses and he blamed me. Over and over until I thought his version must be true. If you haven’t been in the situation, you may think the author wrote it wrong. Don’t underestimate the power of lying to yourself or the need to believe that lie. Don’t underestimate the abusers skill in retelling the events, his, (or her, abusers can be female, too), skill in playing a remorseful victim. Somehow in the retelling, the abuser becomes the victim and you become the fixer. The excuses, by this time, are almost always a cross between it being something you should have known would set them off or it wasn’t really their fault as they grew up watching it; it’s what they know. That may well be what they know but it doesn’t make it okay or your fault. I feel that the author portrayed a big way the spouse reacts to it. I thought a lot about myself and Aishling while reading it. Before being in the middle of the abuse, I had almost zero experience with one spouse abusing the other. I had witnessed arguments between my parents and also other couples like aunts and uncles. I had witnessed a neighbor with bruising from her husband but had no real experience. As I was reading I wondered if that inexperience made it easier to believe the lies. Then I thought about growing up watching it. As I had both daughters and sons, I thought about them. I have one daughter who fell into the trap and one who fought back. Both had gone through counseling regarding being children witnessing the violence. It was my hope they would recognize it and be strong. Get out before it escalates. Neither did right away. In thinking about my daughters, though, both should have recognized the signs and sought help. Neither did. So I’m not certain it is inexperience that leaves you vulnerable.
Another thing you may think, especially if you are in the USA, is the author got the court system wrong. Sadly, I don’t think she did. My experience with courts is they try for unification of family much more often than they should. In the USA this appears to be changing but it isn’t a uniform change. You go into court and are at the mercy of the judge and that person’s experiences and beliefs about domestic violence. Sometimes it feels like, luck of the draw. I don’t know much about court systems in Ireland or other countries so it’s hard to say what it would be like there. I watched the Johnny Depp case against the Sun newspaper regarding domestic violence and don't believe the court is much more effective in England. Despite evidence, the judge can, and may, decide in favor of the abuser. Luck of the draw. Or perhaps it’s a matter of who has more money backing them. In my case my ex had more money, he dressed better, was able to pay for an attorney and was able to show the judge he could give the children better things than I could, (just because you can doesn’t mean you will). Instead of the divorce I was hoping for I was ordered into counseling with, “the hope I would learn to be a better, more appreciative, wife and mother.” I believe this attitude is changing but it has been a long, difficult road for abuse survivors. With my experience, I found it very believable the way the author wrote Aishling’s experience with the court system. I also found it believable the way Josh chose Ella to pressure Aishling in unification of the family. I think abusers frequently use a child or all the children to convince the abused that they have changed.
I think Melissa and her role was the most difficult for me. I wanted to know more about how that all happened. I won’t go into more about it though as it plays into the ending.
If you are interested in domestic violence and how it still plays out in some areas of the country, (this story is based in Florida, my story in Illinois), this is an informative short story. If you know nothing about domestic violence, it’s a illuminating story. I do believe stories like this one are important to read. It is important to hear voices from survivors. It is important to read stories, (fiction as well as non fiction), about the many ways domestic violence can be experienced and the many ways it ends. We cannot change what we don’t know. We must not be silent partners.
In case you are wondering:
I bring in Ireland because the writer and main character are Irish and I don’t know if any experience with the Irish court system influenced the author. I mentioned the UK case because I find it interesting that the experience there is much like ours. For those who want to know: the counseling for my children did work with my sons, who are not abusive to their families nor are they abused. My oldest daughter has left several times but hasn’t been able to completely leave. I try to encourage and help her but, I know, it’s her decision. My youngest daughter did divorce but shares custody.
In this story we have Aishling who is married to Josh and has a daughter, Ella, and a son, Rory. This is a cautionary tale about domestic violence. I have experience in that so my feelings on the book, (and my review), are colored by my experience.
I feel that the author did well getting inside Aishling’s head. The surprise of the first time it happens. The confusion you feel and the gaslighting that begins in that moment. Domestic violence doesn’t always begin this way but it did for me. Everything was fine, (getting along, minor arguments, making up..normal experience) until suddenly it wasn’t. The shock of being struck leaves you reeling. I remember thinking, “what just happened?” I, like Aishling, believed it was a one off. I gave all kinds of excuses and he blamed me. Over and over until I thought his version must be true. If you haven’t been in the situation, you may think the author wrote it wrong. Don’t underestimate the power of lying to yourself or the need to believe that lie. Don’t underestimate the abusers skill in retelling the events, his, (or her, abusers can be female, too), skill in playing a remorseful victim. Somehow in the retelling, the abuser becomes the victim and you become the fixer. The excuses, by this time, are almost always a cross between it being something you should have known would set them off or it wasn’t really their fault as they grew up watching it; it’s what they know. That may well be what they know but it doesn’t make it okay or your fault. I feel that the author portrayed a big way the spouse reacts to it. I thought a lot about myself and Aishling while reading it. Before being in the middle of the abuse, I had almost zero experience with one spouse abusing the other. I had witnessed arguments between my parents and also other couples like aunts and uncles. I had witnessed a neighbor with bruising from her husband but had no real experience. As I was reading I wondered if that inexperience made it easier to believe the lies. Then I thought about growing up watching it. As I had both daughters and sons, I thought about them. I have one daughter who fell into the trap and one who fought back. Both had gone through counseling regarding being children witnessing the violence. It was my hope they would recognize it and be strong. Get out before it escalates. Neither did right away. In thinking about my daughters, though, both should have recognized the signs and sought help. Neither did. So I’m not certain it is inexperience that leaves you vulnerable.
Another thing you may think, especially if you are in the USA, is the author got the court system wrong. Sadly, I don’t think she did. My experience with courts is they try for unification of family much more often than they should. In the USA this appears to be changing but it isn’t a uniform change. You go into court and are at the mercy of the judge and that person’s experiences and beliefs about domestic violence. Sometimes it feels like, luck of the draw. I don’t know much about court systems in Ireland or other countries so it’s hard to say what it would be like there. I watched the Johnny Depp case against the Sun newspaper regarding domestic violence and don't believe the court is much more effective in England. Despite evidence, the judge can, and may, decide in favor of the abuser. Luck of the draw. Or perhaps it’s a matter of who has more money backing them. In my case my ex had more money, he dressed better, was able to pay for an attorney and was able to show the judge he could give the children better things than I could, (just because you can doesn’t mean you will). Instead of the divorce I was hoping for I was ordered into counseling with, “the hope I would learn to be a better, more appreciative, wife and mother.” I believe this attitude is changing but it has been a long, difficult road for abuse survivors. With my experience, I found it very believable the way the author wrote Aishling’s experience with the court system. I also found it believable the way Josh chose Ella to pressure Aishling in unification of the family. I think abusers frequently use a child or all the children to convince the abused that they have changed.
I think Melissa and her role was the most difficult for me. I wanted to know more about how that all happened. I won’t go into more about it though as it plays into the ending.
If you are interested in domestic violence and how it still plays out in some areas of the country, (this story is based in Florida, my story in Illinois), this is an informative short story. If you know nothing about domestic violence, it’s a illuminating story. I do believe stories like this one are important to read. It is important to hear voices from survivors. It is important to read stories, (fiction as well as non fiction), about the many ways domestic violence can be experienced and the many ways it ends. We cannot change what we don’t know. We must not be silent partners.
In case you are wondering:
I bring in Ireland because the writer and main character are Irish and I don’t know if any experience with the Irish court system influenced the author. I mentioned the UK case because I find it interesting that the experience there is much like ours. For those who want to know: the counseling for my children did work with my sons, who are not abusive to their families nor are they abused. My oldest daughter has left several times but hasn’t been able to completely leave. I try to encourage and help her but, I know, it’s her decision. My youngest daughter did divorce but shares custody.
Displaying 1 of 1 review