How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less

by Neil Clark Warren

He feels a strong attraction to her. She wonders if he could be the one. In the glamorous haze of early romantic attraction its hard to know whether a relationship will lead to true love-or to a negative or even catastrophic relationship. This book helps men and women who want healthy and satisfying marriages identify the early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. Dr. Warren shows readers how to hold out for Gods best for their lives instead of settling for the first one to come along and outlines the factors that increase the chances for marital success. For those who want to become wiser in their relationship choices, this practical guide will help them find the love they want and avoid the pain they dont need.

Genres: Relationships

208 pages, Paperback

First published September 25, 1999

About the author

Neil Clark Warren is an American clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, seminary professor and co-founder of the online relationship sites eHarmony and Compatible Partners.
In 1995, Warren and his son-in-law, Greg Forgatch, created Neil Clark Warren & Associates, a company which offers seminars and teaching tools based on Warren's books. In early 2000, they established eHarmony, an online compatibility matching service which gained two million users in its first three years. After retiring in 2007, Warren came out of retirement in July 2012, returning as the chief executive of eHarmony.

Reviews

[Brad Dunnagan]

This broadened my perspective on attraction and what tends to work for married folks in the long run. I have always thought differences can be strengths used to help people grow, and opposites attract. He questions this conventional wisdom and encourages us (through the lists) to find someone fairly similar to us. Maybe not in personality but in other qualities. Broadening this, maybe instead of looking for someone to compliment my skills (like cleanliness, I ain’t the cleanest person) I should work on this myself so it’s a mutual thing. A good read all in all.

[Katrina]

Helpful. Had a few great points.

Some of my favorite parts:
75 to 80 percent of all marriages that eventually end in divorce or separation, at least one of the partners suffers from an emotional health deficiency. Usually, this problem has haunted them for years, long before they got married. And if it doesn't get fixed, their marriage won't get well! I'm so convinced of this that I tell people that no marriage can ever be healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy partner. Individuals have to get healthy for marriages to improve.
You might say, "Yeah, but isn't everyone a little emotionally unhealthy?" My answer is a resounding, "NO!" Granted, there is an enormous amount of pain in our society, and broken families are the source of much of it.
What's more, many people are confused about themselves and the direction of their lives. In fact, I can go even further and say that many persons are so wounded emotionally that they need to do a lot of work before they even think of getting married. Pg. 112

In my opinion, emotional health begins with a well-constructed self-concept. This means knowing yourself well, being well defined, and feeling good about yourself.
Any person who suffers from a self-concept that has been poorly developed over time will usually show signs of an emotional health deficiency, which may be something as mild as low self-esteem expressed in the form of unnatural shyness and quietness, or something as overpowering as an explosive anger problem.
I watch communication patterns for signs of a well-developed or poorly developed self-concept. For instance, when I talk with someone who is healthy, our conversation has a natural flow to it. We take turns talking and lis-tening, and there is a good pace to our dialogue. The conversation progresses smoothly because we both listen carefully to each other's points, and we respond to them.
We each stay on the subject and respect what the other is saying. Pg.113

It’s about both you and your partner getting a great deal. To do that you must be closely matched. Pg. 148

It is crucial, that you select a marriage partner who makes you feel great about yourself. Pg. 157

The truth is always friendlier than anything less than the truth pg. 166

You're such a good guy, and I hope you know how many great qualities you have. But I am looking for a certain person who matches up well with my own unique interests and personality traits. I simply think we don't match well enough to continue dating-despite the strengths we both have. I certainly hope you can understand, because I like you very much, and I wish nothing but the best for you."
If you set your mind on telling the truth only if it won't hurt the other person, you will never tell it. What we must compare, obviously, is the pain it will cause if you tell it now versus the pain it will cause if you simply wait until "a better time." If your news is negative, it cannot be told painlessly. But it's almost certain to evoke more pain if you wait until later to tell it. Pg. 170

If I'm unsure of what the truth is for me, I wait to say anything. Partial truth revealed often keeps full truth from being discovered. Partial truth tends to raise anxiety for one or both persons, and the full truth thus becomes more elusive. But once I know the truth, I deal with it promptly. Why? Because I have found that every person, at their deepest and most central place, wants to hear this truth. And really, they have every right to hear and know it. WHEN YOU TELL THE TRUTH, THE RESULTS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SURPRISINGLY POSITIVE What a powerful belief this is! When it is applied to the communication of a negative decision about a relationship, it tends to give us the courage we need to verbalize and act upon our decision. Sometimes it takes a while for truth to win out. I have known scores of individuals who relentlessly told the truth in a dating relationship and almost without exception, both parties came to appreciate the fact that truth prevailed. Not immediately but almost always even

[Chara]

This book came to me as a recommendation of someone who I place a lot of trust in their guidance and advice. This book was almost a continued conversation regarding ideals and practices and lessons that I have had and have learn over the last couple of years, but it provided a more direct approach to the conversation. It main focus is how one goes about dating and the amount of knowledge one should have about themselves before getting into a relation and focusing on having one's values be the guide to dating. Definitely a book that calls for a good bit of reflection, and I am drawn to books of that nature. I did happen to read this book in one day, so I am going to have to come back to it and take my time digest the content of this book. But overall, it was a good read.

[Kyle McD]

There were moments where I felt like he was trying to sell me something- with grandiosity and absolutist thinking- which I found annoying. But, the information herein is worth the read, and why I give it a 5.

[Chris K]

Straight forward and useful.

[Julie Whipple]

Currently on Chapter 4

[Naomi]

Some good advice, some questionable advice.

[Laura]

This had simple points but made a lot of sense.

[Katherine]

This book teaches you how to be a more efficient dater. It's really so that you can eliminate the wrong people after the first two dates and won't have to "waste your time" (if you take the view that time's a-wastin). But he does encourage people to date two years before deciding to marry--so that you can fully know the other person. It's an interesting, enlightening read! The beginning of the book actually has a series of questions that you can put to yourself and exercises to get to know yourself better. Although he does tend to make finding a marriage partner a mathematic undertaking (quantifying the desirability of yourself and your partner!), and I'm skeptical this could actually work, not being a quants person myself, he makes a number of very fine points that I'll carry with me in the dating game. I especially believe in the importance of making "must-have" and "can't stand" lists before going on a date (rank ordering what you need in a partner and what you can't put up with). Read this book and learn how to "move like a rocket toward the love of your life"!

[Caitlin]

Mostly focuses on how people should know who they are first before they are dating, so that they know what type of a person to look for.

[Melanie Brunner-Monton]

If you are "dating with a purpose" this is a great guidebook for knowing if he or she is marriage material. Not recommended for casual dating.

[Friska Wibowo]

For us who's still looking for the right one..
:)