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I Cry Like a Baby: Stories and Memoirs
Paperback
First published January 1, 2001
About the author
Kevin Killian
86 books72 followersKevin Killian was an American poet, author, and playwright of primarily LGBT literature. He is also a highly regarded editor. My Vocabulary Did This to Me: The Collected Poetry of Jack Spicer, which he co-edited with Peter Gizzi, won the American Book Award for poetry in 2009. His novel, Impossible Princess, won the 2010 Lambda Literary Award as the best gay erotic fiction work of 2009. Killian is also co-founder of the Poets Theater, an influential poetry, stage, and performance group based in San Francisco.
He is married to Dodie Bellamy.
He is married to Dodie Bellamy.
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Displaying 1 of 1 review
April 29, 2026
Occasionally, I'll drop in on a GR friend's online shelves and see which books they rated the highest. One friend had a bunch of Killian books all rated highly. I'd never heard of Killian, but thanks to Open Library, I found a free online copy of this erotic story collection here: https://archive.org/details/icrylikeb...
I've done something I've always meant to do with the last two short story collections I read: I've stopped and written notes after each story to capture my immediate reactions and see how my view of the stories and the collections as a whole evolved as I read through them. Normally, I just charge headstrong through everything like an impatient child often unable to recall many details and left with a vague impression of which I liked best. I'm trying to get myself to slow down in general in life, to counter the harried nature of contemporary existence---one of literature's charms is that it invites reflection and contemplation (for me, these require time and some degree of solitude/isolation).
Quite an impressive collection! Two dominant themes explored through gay male intimacy dominated for me:
1) Writing through/in relation to other art/artists.
Killian's narratives stand up fine by themselves, but they also interact deeply with the art and personalities of other creatives (actors, writers, visual artists, film, music). And despite being unfamiliar with most of his references, he still manages to convey enough about these other works to integrate them effectively into his stories.
2) The role of the self in relation to writing.
Often, Kevin Killian is either a character, a narrator, or a subject in these stories blurring the line between writer and writing. Knowing very little about Killian, I got the impression much of this was mined from personal experience, but as with any fiction, they are but a few of what must be the many Kevin Killians. He touches more on this in a piece at the end called "Poison" that serves as a kind of afterword where he expands upon his relationship with writing (simultaneously a means of both fixing the self in static form and destroying it... he doesn't use this analogy, but it strikes me much like a snake shedding its skin).
Funny, touching, explicit... Desire and a need to connect permeate these tales as characters frequently drift between self-discovery and self-destruction. And a lot of boners. Killian's prose is quite enjoyable.
-------------------------
SOME WORDS UNFAMILIAR TO ME
anomie | gnomically | regnant | lambency
-------------------------
STORY NOTES/REACTIONS
“The Kink of Chris Komater”
Hilariously bizarre exploration of a land that feels like an amusement park built on an enlarged Betty Grable and focussed on her body hair; short & delightful; had to look up Komater–a photographer who seems to like hair or did at some point.
“Spurt”
Highway hookup–cars meet at motel; almost die shattering shower & mirrors as hookup likes to be tied to curtain rod and everything gets pulled down; despite blood & damage, MC Kevin still "finishes" Scott and just leaves. Some follow the heart, some follow the head (the other head)...
"His voice was dark and low, like some underground stream choked with weeds.
"His unruly beard and jolly grin would mark him today as a Daddy type, a big bear, but back then we didn’t have that type: to me he was just fat. But I was drunk enough to not really care."
“A Modern Aylmer”
Aylmer means “noble one”; skirts the line between horror and occult. Are brother & sister prisoners? Does the cat get vengeance?
“Sin is Crouching”
Father-son tale w/ death of son; family on the lam so to speak; not so much a story as a revelation: starts with dead body and sort of fills in backstory but little in the way of exactly what happened.
“The Man and the boy”
A rumination as a dialogue-stage-play between the author’s older and younger selves; rather touching and funny with a strong scents of melancholy/loss.
“Ricky’s Romance”
Llike the gay version of the porn trope of a woman stuck in the washing machine, but with a twist of politics. Ricky is using corporate resources to produce his Faye Dunaway zine, gets stuck in the copier trying to fix a jam, and gets fucked by the janitor, Osbaldo, who mistakes him for the boss. The literal "uprising" of the proletariat fucking themselves!
“Biography”
Jaded son meets deceased father’s biographer; father was famous poet who died of AIDS and was a publicity whore, who liked 15 yr olds. Son ends up biting the biographer who then fears he has HIV
“Wild Chocolate”
Even though this story didn’t grab me all that much, Killian captures a kind of innocence and friendship in the young boys; one character is named after him; hired to bus an event for gay chef. Story centered on a piece of chocolate the media reported Mic Jagger eating directly from the body of his lover.
“The Range of Freedom”
Interview of celebrity chefs and attempted murder by interviewer? Obsessive personality; quirky self-important characters revolutionizing the chicken game and doing a lot of name & book dropping.
“White Rose”
Jail escapee abandons urgent doc visit to fuck young guy he meets in the waiting room; explicit & steamy w/ an ending that hints at violence as the rest of the story mostly flirts with it.
“Hot Lights”
"For everything one’s body does limits or directs the rest of one’s future."
"At once the most and least ironic of art forms, pornography undercuts the performative authenticity of penetration with oh, just lashes of mad camp. Its greatest stars, like those of performance art, are the biggest dopes in the world; its most discerning fans those, like my present-day self, who feel ourselves beyond representation for one imaginary reason or another."
Student does softcore porn; regret mixed w/ desire/shame; wanting to be seen; there’s really a touching maudlin nature to many of these stories; main character is Kevin Killian, named after author–do we read these as autobiographical?
“Just for One Day”
It felt like this story was going nowhere and then magically it was like all the pieces fit together suddenly. Posthumous narrator lauding Kevin K but also there in spirit in the present? Who is D travers Scott? Likely an artist or writer as Killiian seems to work in and out of others’ works within his own.
“Wait Until Dark”
Reference to Hepburn movie in title & directly in narrative; lost on me beyond K identifying with her character. Fucks straight ex-con; level of danger part of the appeal.
“Poison”
Sort of an afterword, the collection wraps with a piece called “Poison” that’s a true gem as it expands on K’s writing practice and what he seeks to do as a writer, noting the implication of the self in writing and the way narrative both captures, misleads, and potentially kills the self.
I've done something I've always meant to do with the last two short story collections I read: I've stopped and written notes after each story to capture my immediate reactions and see how my view of the stories and the collections as a whole evolved as I read through them. Normally, I just charge headstrong through everything like an impatient child often unable to recall many details and left with a vague impression of which I liked best. I'm trying to get myself to slow down in general in life, to counter the harried nature of contemporary existence---one of literature's charms is that it invites reflection and contemplation (for me, these require time and some degree of solitude/isolation).
Quite an impressive collection! Two dominant themes explored through gay male intimacy dominated for me:
1) Writing through/in relation to other art/artists.
Killian's narratives stand up fine by themselves, but they also interact deeply with the art and personalities of other creatives (actors, writers, visual artists, film, music). And despite being unfamiliar with most of his references, he still manages to convey enough about these other works to integrate them effectively into his stories.
2) The role of the self in relation to writing.
Often, Kevin Killian is either a character, a narrator, or a subject in these stories blurring the line between writer and writing. Knowing very little about Killian, I got the impression much of this was mined from personal experience, but as with any fiction, they are but a few of what must be the many Kevin Killians. He touches more on this in a piece at the end called "Poison" that serves as a kind of afterword where he expands upon his relationship with writing (simultaneously a means of both fixing the self in static form and destroying it... he doesn't use this analogy, but it strikes me much like a snake shedding its skin).
Funny, touching, explicit... Desire and a need to connect permeate these tales as characters frequently drift between self-discovery and self-destruction. And a lot of boners. Killian's prose is quite enjoyable.
-------------------------
SOME WORDS UNFAMILIAR TO ME
anomie | gnomically | regnant | lambency
-------------------------
STORY NOTES/REACTIONS
“The Kink of Chris Komater”
Hilariously bizarre exploration of a land that feels like an amusement park built on an enlarged Betty Grable and focussed on her body hair; short & delightful; had to look up Komater–a photographer who seems to like hair or did at some point.
“Spurt”
Highway hookup–cars meet at motel; almost die shattering shower & mirrors as hookup likes to be tied to curtain rod and everything gets pulled down; despite blood & damage, MC Kevin still "finishes" Scott and just leaves. Some follow the heart, some follow the head (the other head)...
"His voice was dark and low, like some underground stream choked with weeds.
"His unruly beard and jolly grin would mark him today as a Daddy type, a big bear, but back then we didn’t have that type: to me he was just fat. But I was drunk enough to not really care."
“A Modern Aylmer”
Aylmer means “noble one”; skirts the line between horror and occult. Are brother & sister prisoners? Does the cat get vengeance?
“Sin is Crouching”
Father-son tale w/ death of son; family on the lam so to speak; not so much a story as a revelation: starts with dead body and sort of fills in backstory but little in the way of exactly what happened.
“The Man and the boy”
A rumination as a dialogue-stage-play between the author’s older and younger selves; rather touching and funny with a strong scents of melancholy/loss.
“Ricky’s Romance”
Llike the gay version of the porn trope of a woman stuck in the washing machine, but with a twist of politics. Ricky is using corporate resources to produce his Faye Dunaway zine, gets stuck in the copier trying to fix a jam, and gets fucked by the janitor, Osbaldo, who mistakes him for the boss. The literal "uprising" of the proletariat fucking themselves!
“Biography”
Jaded son meets deceased father’s biographer; father was famous poet who died of AIDS and was a publicity whore, who liked 15 yr olds. Son ends up biting the biographer who then fears he has HIV
“Wild Chocolate”
Even though this story didn’t grab me all that much, Killian captures a kind of innocence and friendship in the young boys; one character is named after him; hired to bus an event for gay chef. Story centered on a piece of chocolate the media reported Mic Jagger eating directly from the body of his lover.
“The Range of Freedom”
Interview of celebrity chefs and attempted murder by interviewer? Obsessive personality; quirky self-important characters revolutionizing the chicken game and doing a lot of name & book dropping.
“White Rose”
Jail escapee abandons urgent doc visit to fuck young guy he meets in the waiting room; explicit & steamy w/ an ending that hints at violence as the rest of the story mostly flirts with it.
“Hot Lights”
"For everything one’s body does limits or directs the rest of one’s future."
"At once the most and least ironic of art forms, pornography undercuts the performative authenticity of penetration with oh, just lashes of mad camp. Its greatest stars, like those of performance art, are the biggest dopes in the world; its most discerning fans those, like my present-day self, who feel ourselves beyond representation for one imaginary reason or another."
Student does softcore porn; regret mixed w/ desire/shame; wanting to be seen; there’s really a touching maudlin nature to many of these stories; main character is Kevin Killian, named after author–do we read these as autobiographical?
“Just for One Day”
It felt like this story was going nowhere and then magically it was like all the pieces fit together suddenly. Posthumous narrator lauding Kevin K but also there in spirit in the present? Who is D travers Scott? Likely an artist or writer as Killiian seems to work in and out of others’ works within his own.
“Wait Until Dark”
Reference to Hepburn movie in title & directly in narrative; lost on me beyond K identifying with her character. Fucks straight ex-con; level of danger part of the appeal.
“Poison”
Sort of an afterword, the collection wraps with a piece called “Poison” that’s a true gem as it expands on K’s writing practice and what he seeks to do as a writer, noting the implication of the self in writing and the way narrative both captures, misleads, and potentially kills the self.
Displaying 1 of 1 review