Secret Box: Searching for Dad in a Century of Self

by Tony Page

Released in 2018 by Telling Stories Press, Secret Box has earned a 5* approval by Readers' Favorite and over 25 reviews at 4 and 5* on Amazon (in the UK, US and Canada) and Goodreads. A psychologist takes off his professional hat and entices us into a ‘60s childhood in which a father craving happiness, freedom and excitement joins a “Human Potential Movement”. The reader, swept along in the shoes of a historian, detective, coach, psychologist and writer, becomes beautifully immersed in these lives and provoked to consider how we can stay honest while also remaining loyal to our partners and children. Of interest to all of us who seek to understand ourselves and our families, this also raises practical questions for psychologists, sociologists, organisational leaders and those in a helping profession.

258 pages, Paperback

First published February 17, 2018

About the author

Tony grew up in Kent, lives in South West London and has travelled widely. He is married with grown-up children. He and his wife Helen spent time last year volunteering in Myanmar and Nepal for VSO.

His new book, "Secret Box, Searching for Dad in a Century of Self" , was released in 2018 by Telling Stories Press. It's gained a 5* approval by Readers' Favorite and around 25 reviews at 4 and 5* on Amazon (in the UK, US and Canada) and Goodreads.

The author seeks to solve a mystery about human potential that arose in his family and has bugged him throughout his life. He draws on a range of methods (coaching, facilitation, narrative, theatrical, developmental) he learned during a career as a psychologist working with senior executives.

It's a bit of a page-turner.

Reviews

[Kritikal Reading · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't think I have ever read a book that handles the issues of digging the past so realistically.

The story, very simply, follows the second-hand reconstruction of a man's life (and of those around him) in a quest for answers and explanations. If you are a product of the silent generation, you will know what this means. I can faintly recall this scene from my favorite TV show New Girl,

Jess: Families talk about things.

Schmidt: No. Families ignore things until they go away.



This is what makes the story and the book in entirety so different, but also a highly risky narrative: we cannot know someone's story for sure, and in my hyperbolic opinion, we cannot even know our own story completely ever. But as the book mentions too: the act of storytelling is curative and therapeutic. Closures are sought by all of us and they are highly underrated. Or in the words of the author, 'Silence denies us understanding while truth lets us live and breathe.'



I know there are things I would like to lash out at my family for- and I am only 22! So looking at the narrator's journey of weaving together these remnants seems painfully realistic, and raw.



My favorite bits were two. One was the fact that the story wold often pause: to take a look back at the ethical quandaries involved- sometimes within the process that our protagonist/narrator was pursuing, sometimes on the actual incidents being talked about:

‘As a writer you permit no privacy to the dead: if they leave diaries you have to read them and in this we are utterly unsentimental. To be a writer means to tell the truth you need to tell’.



The other favorite bit was the psychological tangent it took: and kept, realistically. For example, it doesn't exaggerate it as a moment of epiphany for the whole family just to make it a great, fun plot. It just states the truth: The truth that often the passage of time creates an unease for you, but the others may not feel it with the same intensity of unease, or even, at all. So the rest of the family isn't presented to be as bothered, or restless by the turn of events.



A lot of research shows, and often concepts have been explained from an informed perspective which is reassuring, but also the jargon seems unnecessary in the larger scheme of things.



In a way, this book to me is the written adaptation of the movie Dil Dhadakne Do, and my review for both stays the same: a long-awaited look at the aftermath of living in dysfunctional families and semi-functional individuals, scarred and marred by what the rest of the world offered them- with the story stretched just a bit more than the reader wants to stay for, before losing it.



‘Don’t make it a box of secrets, as people did in the old days, because untold stories are poisonous, and as soon as a story is told, the healing begins’.

[Susan Kirkcaldy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A compelling read: riveting, exciting, funny, difficult, a thriller-cum-detective story and at its heart a courageous and raw personal story of a family in crisis.
Tony Page’s quest for understanding long hidden truths, unravels the mystery of how and why his family fell apart long ago. The intense yearning he has to validate his own memories, and discover the memories of other family members, has a propulsive force that carries us hurtling along with him, as he pieces the mosaic of memory together, with the help of a ‘secret box’ of papers uncovered long after his father’s death.

He uses his own family history to do much more than tell his own vital and compelling story. Woven within the main narrative, drawing from his professional resources, Tony Page explains the methods and tools of his search as he searches, making those tools available for readers who resonate with the mystery and history of family stories of our own. Interwoven within this search, are also his own views on some of the emerging developmental philosophies of the 60s, his perception of their particular impact on his father and the family, on this story, and their wider impact.

It is this practice of reflective teaching of tools and emerging theories of personal growth, intertwined with their impact on the unfolding reality of Tony Page’s personal search, that raise this memoir to a higher level than simply telling an intense family story and make this a great read with wider relevance and impact.

Finally, in the background, there is another theme: a love story of ‘a good marriage’. Throughout his quest Tony works with his wife Helen. It is evidently not her quest. Yet her presence, emotional integrity and wisdom permeate this book. In this wonderfully subtle evocation of partnership on the quest to fulfilment, this book demonstrates a profound longer arc of history: some sagas require more than one generation to resolve. Tony Page’s parents came into their own marriage with unresolved family histories, yet it is in this third generation that the promise of a marriage is fulfilled. It makes a deeply satisfying ending to a powerful roller-coaster emotional ride.

[Frank Kusy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Through this cathartic, and totally absorbing, book Tony is evidently trying to understand – and to forgive – a needy, narcissistic, idealistic father who was neglectful, obsessive, and driven by demons. Demons which compel him to take risks and to encourage his children to take risks too. In a truly disturbing, but brilliantly written, opening sequence we learn how one particular risk leads to near-tragic consequences – a terrible incident which will transform the carefree, uncomplicated boy known as Sunny Jim (Tony) into a troubled, disillusioned young man with definite trust issues. So deep are these issues, and so complicated his relationship with his father – who is variously described as a Pinocchio, a Walter Mitty, a Jekyll and Hyde, and a Don Quixote – that when he dies and leaves behind a box of letters and diaries it takes Tony many years to open it and read them. There follows a kind of detective story with Tony and his wife poring over the Messiah Delusion of a wildly elusive dad whilst attempting to glue back a family which has been blown apart by an early death, a suicide attempt, and a destructive series of ‘revelations’. But it’s not all psychological conflict and resolution, there are moments of pure humour – like when a sexually repressed man consults a guru and is made to speak from his trousers (!) – so that one can smile through all the tragedy. This is a very brave and important book with a very important message: don’t make a box of secrets because untold stories can be poisonous; also that as soon as a story can be told, the healing can begin.

[Diane Pomerantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

5.0 out of 5 starsIt is a wonderful psychological memoir that speaks to many of the current ...
ByDiane Pomerantzon April 8, 2018
Format: Kindle Edition
Tony Page has written a poignant and sterling memoir of his search to understand his relationship with his father, the loss of that relationship, the disappointments of that relationship and the loss of himself without that relationship ... he then takes it a step further to explore the meaning of the relationship between fathers and sons more generally. He takes on quite a formidable task and does an admirable job with it. But once a writer puts his story out into the world it is never again just the writer's story ... the story is forever transformed by every reader and becomes a myriad of stories and the complexity of relationships and psychological issues that he describes within his narrative goes far beyond the father-son relationship. This is a story of families. Although there is far less discussion of his mother, as a woman I could strongly identify with her. For example, as his father stood on the bank of the river wanting his children to swim off into what could be a life-threatening danger, she had to protect her children but what could she do? This is a story of narcissism and how it impacts an entire family and the generations that follow. It is a wonderful psychological memoir that speaks to many of the current issues of today. I highly recommend it.

[Lindsay Feliz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tony Page’s Secret Box is part novel, part memoir, part detective story of a man trying to solve the mystery about his deceased father. The book works on many different levels. Firstly, it is a memoir about the author’s life, but in addition it is also full of great ideas about how to actually write a memoir, and how to trigger long hidden memories, by using a whole range of interesting tools. It is also a book about psychology, given that the author is a psychologist, and again discusses several different techniques but not in an abstract way as they all add to the layers of the story. It covers the 1960’s bringing back memories for those, like me, who lived through those years. Secret Box is well written, informative and entertaining as well as thought provoking. I really enjoyed it and would have no hesitation recommending it.

[Ann Campanella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Secret Box: Searching for Dad in a Century of Self, is an absorbing, powerful book. Tony Page's memoir reads like a mystery as he takes us on a tour though his past to unravel the enigmatic, perplexing memories of his father. After a lifetime of silence from his parents, Page, a psychologist, discovers a multitude of diaries written by his father. The author recreates the drama of his childhood, illuminating the darker side of his father who was caught up in the self-gratification of the Human Potential Movement in the 1960s. A fascinating portrait emerges as Page weaves together scenes from his present and past, unveiling in the process how the sharing of stories has the potential to produce understanding and hope.

[Eric McDowell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tony Page’s Secret Box: Searching for Dad in a Century of Self is an engrossing personal memoir, a respectful analysis that methodically examines the variables that contributed to a family breakdown with an acute focus on the author’s father, who was caught up in what the author terms a “cult of self” via the Human Potential Movement of the 1960s. The memoir is not a blame game; rather, Page exudes compassion on every page as he at first gropes in darkness for the understanding that so eludes him but slowly elicits light and comes into clearer focus as the narrative progresses.

We examine the author’s father through a somewhat smoky glass throughout the read. We never really “see” him; we see only his essence. Such a method is an effective way to suggest the puzzling nature of the father—that is, he is as shadowy a figure to us as he was to his son. With Page’s discovery of a secret box containing his late father’s journals, he is ready to take on the task of analyzing him and how his behavior set into motion what became a fractured family.

One of the memoir’s many highlights takes place in a Viennese café (coming at a bit past the book’s halfway mark) and leads to some surprising revelations. While dining in a booth and using his laptop to write, the author strategically places condiment jars and bottles on the table to represent family members as he examines their behaviors and motivations as a theatre director would do. In this way, with Freud’s work on his mind (Page is also sitting in Freud’s favorite café, a faint suggestion that he is channeling the master in some way), he begins to grapple with the inner workings of the family machine, which ultimately helps him understand his father better. The writing in these scenes is captivating because the author demonstrates how visualization processes help clients “see” the emotional baggage as apart from him or her, a mindset so necessary for healing.

The final section of Secret Box contains an illuminating series of appendices that provide background on psychological theories and treatment practices, as well as the methods that have influenced Page’s own practice. This section is enlightening because the author helps us visualize abstract concepts through workshop exercises. He also discusses the value of writing as a means of therapy. When the therapist works with the client’s stories by making the stories an essential part of his or her counseling practice, the professional relationship becomes a kind of collaboration towards gaining understanding and insight into the client’s issues. The writing in these sections is not at all pedantic or laden with jargon. There is even a rather humorous scene between the respected R. D. Laing and Carl Rogers as they debate in a 1978 co-presentation. Page also describes a mesmerizing scene of “rebirthing,” wherein a patient goes through a symbolic journey of reliving his passage through the birth canal in order to be “reborn” and able to begin life anew.

Because of its wealth of food for the mind, it’s a book to savor slowly for maximum benefit and understanding. Highly recommended.

[Please Pass the Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Secret Box: Searching for Dad in a Century of Self by Tony Page is the author's memoir chronicling his own life and that of his deceased father and the family left behind. It starts with Page's earliest memory of abandonment at the age of fourteen, when he and his siblings go out for a swim in the Deben Estuary with their father. Soon after, Page's father and sister swim ahead into the open water and, forced into a vigorous current, Page finds himself alone, in danger, and afraid. However, it is the silence that follows that cloaks the author's life. Many years later when Page's father dies, his father's third wife hands him a box that sits unopened for over a decade. Once opened, Page begins the difficult personal journey of finding out who his father really was, attempting to piece a fragmented life back together for answers.

Secret Box by Tony Page is an interesting read, and one I had to step away from a few times; not because it isn't wholly engrossing (it certainly is) but because it doesn't make for light reading. Intelligently written and surprisingly thoughtful (given what he'd been through), Page details family history, the downfall of a marriage and destruction of his family, and the resulting tailspin that ensued and impacted his life over sixty years. I enjoyed the writing style which felt as if I was being told a story by a friend. A resolution of sorts is ultimately achieved by Page himself, although his father did make a half-hearted non-apology that he self-indulgently referred to as "atonement", and as this is the best that can be mustered by a man of the "silent generation", Page turns inwardly for the healing that all of us in similar situations wish for.

Review written by Please Pass the Books for Readers' Favorite.

[B. Goodwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

What man fully understands his father? Some I am sure, but many are left wondering about motivations and decisions. This is certainly true of Tony Page, who struggled to understand what happened to his father’s relationship with his family. He’s aided by diaries, letters, photos, and more. Though he seeks answers about who his father was and why the family disintegrated, his most important discovery was that hiding the truth never works.

One of the things that makes Secret Box complete is an alternate story of his struggle to learn how to tell this tale effectively. Storytelling can be so much harder than writing a psychologist’s notes or an academic person’s papers. Writing memoir increases the challenge, since the narrator is also the author and subject to memory lapses. Because I am a writing coach as well as an author, I enjoyed watching the narrator cope with those struggles. He was quite frank about his process.

Secret Box is a story about struggling to understand the parents who raise us. In addition it’s about putting together the puzzle pieces that went unexamined during the father’s life. Part investigation, part analysis, and part scenes, this story will particularly appeal to memoir writers, psychologists, and possibly detectives. I have never read another memoir told in quite this way.