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Just How Married Do You Want to Be?: Practicing Oneness in Marriage
Men Are from Strip Clubs. Women Are from Seminary. Jim and Sarah Sumner met at church. Jim, a new Christian and former male stripper, impressed Sarah with his desire to grow in his faith and to see people meet the God he had met. Sarah, a Ph.D. in theology and a division leader in evangelism, impressed Jim with her depth of knowledge and heart for discipleship. Their mutual admiration slowly turned to love, and the two were married. Just how married they're becoming is the story of this book. Sarah and Jim lay out a fresh approach to how husbands and wives relate biblically in marriage. In a culture where gender roles are often misunderstood, the Bible's teaching on the marital relationship is made more complex than it need be. What does it mean when we read that "the husband is the head of the wife"? How should the husband's headship play out when married couples deal with such issues as conflict and decision-making? Read this book and discover a fresh vision for how couples can become "one flesh" in a marriage that honors God.
178 pages, Paperback
First published August 31, 2008
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
September 7, 2008
[Disclaimer: Given that I’m not very well versed in the egalitarian-complementarian wars, I’m not exactly sure what I think of Jim and Sarah Sumner’s new book Just how married do you want to be? While I suspect I fall more to one side than the other, I don’t have enough cold hard facts to strongly defend my position, so I approached this book with a bit of both skepticism and intrigue.]
What initially intrigued me about the Sumner’s book is that it is written by a female with her Ph.D. and her former male-stripper husband. Talk about an unlikely couple from which to learn about marriage! Regardless of their theological interpretations of gender relationships, surely they have some deep insight into relationship by virtue of being able to stay married! They did not disappoint. With candor and at times painful honesty, they explore how they have transversed their differences to pursue oneness in marriage. While Sarah details how her pride and selfishness prevented pursuing oneness with her husband, Jim discusses how his background his background and temper affected their relationship. They speak in specifics, exploring how their attitudes, issues, and expectations affect one another and how they have learned to respond differently.
Just how married do you want to be? includes a fairly thorough examination of the texts which speak of women submitting to men and men being the head of the wife. I’m have zero training in Greek translation, so I can’t speak to that, other than saying they make an intriguing argument for one in midst of trying to understand these passages. The Sumner’s basic position seems to be this:
Both the traditional view of marriage where women submit to men (complementarianism) and view in which men and women are equal to one another fall short of the Biblical model.
They suggest that the marital relationship is neither hierarchical nor equal – it is a model where the man and the woman become one. Neither comes ahead of each other, and they are continually moving ahead and behind each other by submitting and sacrificing for the other’s best interest. The ‘Oneness’ model is not an option I had heard of before, so I was intrigued to find out more about it.
By far, the best parts of the book are the honesty with which they speak of marriage. They readily admit it is not an easy venture, and that even the most in-love humans struggle to live love out in daily practice. At times, I found it difficult to follow their ‘turn-taking’ method of writing and had to reread to follow the point. However, they explained this approach at the beginning, and it didn’t significantly hamper my understanding of the book itself. Overall, it strikes me that their proposal of the ‘Oneness Model’ seems to be an important piece missing in the discussion at large about marital relationships. While I still don’t know how much I agree or disagree (there’s so much more to read!), I found it a very helpful piece of the puzzle to turn over and spin around for awhile.
For further reading, Christians for Biblical Equality has an interesting discussion on the book as well.
What initially intrigued me about the Sumner’s book is that it is written by a female with her Ph.D. and her former male-stripper husband. Talk about an unlikely couple from which to learn about marriage! Regardless of their theological interpretations of gender relationships, surely they have some deep insight into relationship by virtue of being able to stay married! They did not disappoint. With candor and at times painful honesty, they explore how they have transversed their differences to pursue oneness in marriage. While Sarah details how her pride and selfishness prevented pursuing oneness with her husband, Jim discusses how his background his background and temper affected their relationship. They speak in specifics, exploring how their attitudes, issues, and expectations affect one another and how they have learned to respond differently.
Just how married do you want to be? includes a fairly thorough examination of the texts which speak of women submitting to men and men being the head of the wife. I’m have zero training in Greek translation, so I can’t speak to that, other than saying they make an intriguing argument for one in midst of trying to understand these passages. The Sumner’s basic position seems to be this:
Both the traditional view of marriage where women submit to men (complementarianism) and view in which men and women are equal to one another fall short of the Biblical model.
They suggest that the marital relationship is neither hierarchical nor equal – it is a model where the man and the woman become one. Neither comes ahead of each other, and they are continually moving ahead and behind each other by submitting and sacrificing for the other’s best interest. The ‘Oneness’ model is not an option I had heard of before, so I was intrigued to find out more about it.
By far, the best parts of the book are the honesty with which they speak of marriage. They readily admit it is not an easy venture, and that even the most in-love humans struggle to live love out in daily practice. At times, I found it difficult to follow their ‘turn-taking’ method of writing and had to reread to follow the point. However, they explained this approach at the beginning, and it didn’t significantly hamper my understanding of the book itself. Overall, it strikes me that their proposal of the ‘Oneness Model’ seems to be an important piece missing in the discussion at large about marital relationships. While I still don’t know how much I agree or disagree (there’s so much more to read!), I found it a very helpful piece of the puzzle to turn over and spin around for awhile.
For further reading, Christians for Biblical Equality has an interesting discussion on the book as well.
February 12, 2015
I liked this short book because it seemed written especially for people that have been married for awhile and have already experienced difficulties arising. I think younger couples can benefit from it as well. but it is refreshing not to read books with an exalted perfectionism concerning marriage. Marriage brings out the best and the worst within us and is a crucible for difficult change. Many give up along the way and become nothing more than partners within vicinity of each other, even codependent in each other's sins. The authors were very vulnerable without being triumphal and idealistic. They look at the Biblical picture in Ephesians 5 in a refreshing way. This book deals with headship, models of marriage that settle for less than the biblical picture, developing oneness, defensiveness and resolving conflict, dealing with our expectations, true repentance in facing sin in marriage, the necessity of community, money issues, different types of personalities, and how to truly help each other. This is a book that will challenge you and help keep you from settling for something less.
July 19, 2025
I liked the content of this book, just found it a little choppy and the ending abrupt! But overall, a great book on marriage.
January 16, 2014
This book was not all I had hoped it might be.
It begins by presenting a "new" biblical way to understand the relationship between husband, wife, and Christ. Its explanation of the headship passages in Ephesians fails to commend itself, seeming a bit self-contradicting at times.
The practical chapters that follow contain some helpful suggestions for married couples, along with some winsome illustrations from the authors' lives. The problem in the practical section of the book is the organization. The themes introduced at the beginning of the chapters are often lost before the chapter's end.
There are too many good books on Christian marriage out there for me to recommend this one.
It begins by presenting a "new" biblical way to understand the relationship between husband, wife, and Christ. Its explanation of the headship passages in Ephesians fails to commend itself, seeming a bit self-contradicting at times.
The practical chapters that follow contain some helpful suggestions for married couples, along with some winsome illustrations from the authors' lives. The problem in the practical section of the book is the organization. The themes introduced at the beginning of the chapters are often lost before the chapter's end.
There are too many good books on Christian marriage out there for me to recommend this one.
May 3, 2011
It's so hard to find a good Christian premarital book, and I'm sorry to say that this, for me, was not one of them. I and my significant other feel as though the couple dug WAAYYY too deep into the biblical imagery. They talked about headship for three chapters without defining it "their way." Then, when they got around to defining it, we expected some sort of huge revelation in interpretation. But it wasn't, for us.
Everything about this book either seemed obvious or obnoxious.
Everything about this book either seemed obvious or obnoxious.
January 27, 2013
My impression of this book may change if I re-read it, or as a result of discussing it, but on the whole I was disappointed. From what the Sumners write, it is impossible to have a real marriage if you are not a Christian; this seems an untenable position. I disagreed with the authors regarding a few other areas as well. There were a few bits of encouragement and interest, but there were many concepts that were not brought into practicality.
March 23, 2016
This book doesn't really answer questions as much as engage with them. The tone is balanced and the authors are intelligent. I found the book to be appealing and helpful for Christians who are willing to (or have to) wade into the minefield of discussion over "biblical" relations of the sexes in marriage. "Conservatives" and "liberals" alike will find points of disagreement, but for those "in between" this is good investment of your time.
June 26, 2010
I would recommend this book to any Christians - single, engaged, or married - if you want to get a clear picture of what the bible says about the role of men and women in marriage. Whatever preconceived notions you have about gender roles (especially those you got from church), just throw them out the window, and then read this book.
Currently Reading
February 12, 2009amazing so far... just what i would expect from sarah sumner.
July 23, 2013
So refreshing to read and something to look forward to.
March 27, 2011
My favorite marriage book. Extremely challenging.
June 22, 2012
Shares about oneness and headship, along with how these play out practically within a marriage.
September 11, 2012
Excellent. Fresh. True. Helpful.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews