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The Straight Spouse: A Memoir
"You never, ever, have to worry about me being with another woman--that will never happen," said Victor. "What you do have to worry about is me being with another man."
That moment is the beginning of the end of a happily-ever-after marriage. After 12 years of marriage, Victor confesses to his wife that he is tormented by same-sex yearnings. Despite his revelation, she is determined to do whatever it takes to make their marriage work: candid conversations, visits with clergy, work with a therapist, search for relevant books. She struggles to keep her marriage from falling apart.
The Straight Spouse: A Memoir is a love story about a woman who is married to a man who turns out to be gay--and how she deals with it in unexpected ways. This story takes place in the early 1990s, and she believes she is the only woman in the world to face this unthinkable threat to her marriage. Her journey--sometimes disturbing, sometimes uplifting--is about the importance of letting go and finding one's own way through hard times.
That moment is the beginning of the end of a happily-ever-after marriage. After 12 years of marriage, Victor confesses to his wife that he is tormented by same-sex yearnings. Despite his revelation, she is determined to do whatever it takes to make their marriage work: candid conversations, visits with clergy, work with a therapist, search for relevant books. She struggles to keep her marriage from falling apart.
The Straight Spouse: A Memoir is a love story about a woman who is married to a man who turns out to be gay--and how she deals with it in unexpected ways. This story takes place in the early 1990s, and she believes she is the only woman in the world to face this unthinkable threat to her marriage. Her journey--sometimes disturbing, sometimes uplifting--is about the importance of letting go and finding one's own way through hard times.
264 pages, Paperback
Published June 18, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
November 10, 2018
The Straight Spouse – A Memoir, by Vivian Fransen is a brutally honest and courageous, yet entertaining story of the author’s life after her husband of many years comes out as being gay. The story focuses on the stresses and difficulties that Vivian has to endure to get through this traumatic time in her life, which she does after many challenges. I highly recommend The Straight Spouse and commend Vivian for telling this valuable story. I’m generally not a memoir-reader, but thoroughly enjoyed this one.
April 28, 2018
I write this review of this excellent memoir as a retired Lutheran clergyman. In the Epilogue, the author states her fervent wish “for a world where all clergy are trained in seminary to embrace the needs of couples who are struggling with unresolved sexual orientation issues by showing Christ-like compassion and offering non-judgmental, practical guidance.”
Fransen’s personal experience with clergy during her crisis is disappointing to her. A pastor in the congregation to which she and her ex-husband-to-be belonged was quite up-front about his lack of training and experience with their predicament. He did wisely suggest a referral to a professional with experience in helping couples like them deal with the predicament, and offered a compassionate prayer for strength for her. But he didn’t provide the spiritual solution that she was hoping for. She left the pastor’s office feeling very exposed.
At her older sister’s suggestion, Fransen sought the direction and comfort of an Episcopal priest. However, this particular pastoral encounter was disastrous, to say the least. The priest offered a prayer for a return of her husband’s sexual orientation back to heterosexual – as though the priest simply assumed that the majority orientation is the only legitimate one, and if he were to begin behaving in a heterosexual manner, it would be the simple solution to the obstacles in their marriage.
I fervently hope that the instances of the closed-minded attitude and distorted theology of the Episcopal priest are gradually waning; but alas, I fear they are not.
I sincerely wish that I had read this book back in 1976 or so when a young married couple came to my pastor’s study with precisely the same profound marital quandary as experienced by Vivian and Victor. I had had not a single minute of training, or even class discussion, about such a scenario in my Ivy-League seminary education. What perhaps salvaged my clumsy attempt to provide pastoral care for that couple in my study was that I had had the opportunity to develop friendships at the divinity school with several gay and lesbian fellow students. At least the couple, especially the gay husband, did not feel shamed or degraded.
I suspect that more couples like Vivian and Victor exist in our society—and sit in our pews—than we are aware. I recommend Fransen’s The Straight Spouse to all who wish to have an enlightened and compassionate understanding of them.
Fransen’s personal experience with clergy during her crisis is disappointing to her. A pastor in the congregation to which she and her ex-husband-to-be belonged was quite up-front about his lack of training and experience with their predicament. He did wisely suggest a referral to a professional with experience in helping couples like them deal with the predicament, and offered a compassionate prayer for strength for her. But he didn’t provide the spiritual solution that she was hoping for. She left the pastor’s office feeling very exposed.
At her older sister’s suggestion, Fransen sought the direction and comfort of an Episcopal priest. However, this particular pastoral encounter was disastrous, to say the least. The priest offered a prayer for a return of her husband’s sexual orientation back to heterosexual – as though the priest simply assumed that the majority orientation is the only legitimate one, and if he were to begin behaving in a heterosexual manner, it would be the simple solution to the obstacles in their marriage.
I fervently hope that the instances of the closed-minded attitude and distorted theology of the Episcopal priest are gradually waning; but alas, I fear they are not.
I sincerely wish that I had read this book back in 1976 or so when a young married couple came to my pastor’s study with precisely the same profound marital quandary as experienced by Vivian and Victor. I had had not a single minute of training, or even class discussion, about such a scenario in my Ivy-League seminary education. What perhaps salvaged my clumsy attempt to provide pastoral care for that couple in my study was that I had had the opportunity to develop friendships at the divinity school with several gay and lesbian fellow students. At least the couple, especially the gay husband, did not feel shamed or degraded.
I suspect that more couples like Vivian and Victor exist in our society—and sit in our pews—than we are aware. I recommend Fransen’s The Straight Spouse to all who wish to have an enlightened and compassionate understanding of them.
March 26, 2020
A heartfelt story told with honesty and grace.
Vivian Fransen is a talented writer who is effectively introspective and revealing. Whether she is describing personal conversations or intimate love scenes, Vivian’s honesty and directness are stunning and enlightening. She has a knack for making us feel as though we are right there alongside her experiencing her shock and anguish, anger and compassion, despair and hope. The Straight Spouse is an inspiring memoir that teaches us to be true to ourselves, follow our passion and keep the faith.
Vivian Fransen is a talented writer who is effectively introspective and revealing. Whether she is describing personal conversations or intimate love scenes, Vivian’s honesty and directness are stunning and enlightening. She has a knack for making us feel as though we are right there alongside her experiencing her shock and anguish, anger and compassion, despair and hope. The Straight Spouse is an inspiring memoir that teaches us to be true to ourselves, follow our passion and keep the faith.
May 2, 2018
This book is Vivian Fransen’s chronicle of her journey from happily married woman through the discovery that her husband is homosexual and what her life will become without him. It is raw and honest and painful. I think it can be helpful to others who have found themselves in this situation, as well as anyone in a marriage where the partners have discovered they have grown into very different people than the two that attended the wedding however many years ago. I appreciated her reflections and dedication to self-discovery and healing. I too hope for a future in which people can comfortably identify and declare their sexual orientation at a young age without fear of social alienation. I also agree that clergy should be prepared to support people in their grappling with their nature and identity, rather than suggesting that they need to be fixed or changed in any way. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story, Vivian!
July 23, 2018
This story held me and I have added a star to make it five. I realized I keep remembering this story . . . it is a trial that will touch others because it is about believing in something that looked like it would hold. The author went through something really difficult after twelve years of marriage. (It reminded me a little of Grace and Frankie without the laughs because it was real.) It is difficult to live through the break up of any partnership, particularly a marriage, and Fransen brings a lot of dignity to the page. Every time I think of a disappointment that has occurred because I believed in an institution or friendship, my mind turns back to this extremely well-told memoir. Fransen's readers will care very much to see how things turn out. It's a great title and the situation must happen more than people admit!
August 6, 2018
Engaging and readable memoir that helped me understand the less visible perspective within a mixed orientation marriage.
November 21, 2017
A courageous and surprisingly even-handed account of what one day suddenly became a very difficult and painful marriage. While the specifics of the situation may be relatively uncommon (although perhaps more common than we realize), the inherent tension between one's commitment to the other person and the commitment to oneself is surely universal.
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September 1, 2026"The Straight Spouse: A Memoir" is a deeply honest and emotionally compelling memoir that stayed with me long after I finished reading it. Vivian Fransen tells her story with remarkable vulnerability, capturing the heartbreak, confusion, hope, and resilience that come with discovering that the life you thought you had is suddenly changing.
What impressed me most was the compassion shown throughout the book. Rather than assigning blame, the author explores the emotional complexity of both her own journey and her husband's struggle with empathy and grace. The story feels authentic, making it easy to connect with her pain, determination, and eventual growth.
Even though this memoir is set in the early 1990s, its themes of love, identity, acceptance, and finding the strength to rebuild are timeless. Whether you've experienced a similar situation or not, this book offers valuable insights into relationships, healing, and the courage it takes to let go and move forward.
This is a heartfelt memoir that reminds us that even life's most unexpected challenges can lead to personal transformation. I highly recommend it to readers who enjoy honest, inspiring memoirs and stories of resilience.
What impressed me most was the compassion shown throughout the book. Rather than assigning blame, the author explores the emotional complexity of both her own journey and her husband's struggle with empathy and grace. The story feels authentic, making it easy to connect with her pain, determination, and eventual growth.
Even though this memoir is set in the early 1990s, its themes of love, identity, acceptance, and finding the strength to rebuild are timeless. Whether you've experienced a similar situation or not, this book offers valuable insights into relationships, healing, and the courage it takes to let go and move forward.
This is a heartfelt memoir that reminds us that even life's most unexpected challenges can lead to personal transformation. I highly recommend it to readers who enjoy honest, inspiring memoirs and stories of resilience.
May 12, 2020
I actually met this author at a library book event and she was lovely! I truly admire the strength and courage it took for her to be so honest about her experience. She was brave in sharing the painful demise of her marriage as well as how it affected her as a human being. Her discovery of her husband's attraction to men after 11 years of a happy marriage led her on a difficult journey of self-exploration and deep personal growth. She fought tooth and nail to survive the loss of her marriage through a myriad of ways. She learned how to love herself and her own company with the help of her pets and trusted friends and family members. She faced her fears head-on and emerged into a stronger person. Through writing this book she has helped herself and is no doubt is helping so many others.
November 20, 2024
“I tried to visualize this pit had a trampoline at the bottom, allowing me to bounce back up to emotional equilibrium.” ~ Vivian Fransen
Vivian shared so many gems like this as she talked honestly and openly about her poignant journey. Anyone rolling through life’s challenges can benefit from this book.
Vivian shared so many gems like this as she talked honestly and openly about her poignant journey. Anyone rolling through life’s challenges can benefit from this book.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews