Prom Night on the River of Death

by Jason Rizos

You might of once heard that story where this boy and girl get home from a date and then the girl starts hollering because there’s this old bloody hook dangling from the door handle? Well, that weren’t no hook man, or I suppose maybe it was. See, that was me. You’ll find this hard to believe, but I never aimed on killing. Understand, for a long while folks have grown mighty paranoid about their children getting snatched up by some predator. So, me and Leopold, one day we figure we are going to do something about it. So we start abducting children. For ransom is all. Despite what you’ve seen in pictures, it hadn’t been a thing. But then it starts becoming a thing, what with the economy the way it is, and all of a sudden seems everyone wants a piece of the market. Times get tight, and I’m just looking forward to a quiet retirement when look who falls into my lap, the captain of the Cheerleading team, Leigh Lundqvist, and let me tell you if all hell didn’t break out on the Child Abduction circuit that season. My name’s Chester, folks around these parts call me Chester the Molester, and this here’s my story. I hope you enjoy.

184 pages, Paperback

First published June 14, 2017

Reviews

[David Agranoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

So I think I might have met Jason years ago, but it is unclear. My journey with this book started when Camperon Pierce said he found me a ride from Portland to BizarroCon in Astoria. I was barely in Portland long enough to have brunch and only saw a tiny minority of folks I wanted to see. Jason was kind enough to meet us for brunch. So I knew he was a bizarro, but I didn’t know that besides homebrewing in Portland he teaches creative writing at Portland Community College. Quickly learned he is a PKD guy and very educated on classic SF, so yeah we are like totally best friends now. At the end of the drive, where I practiced my Sunday morning workshop on the PKD formula we traded novels. People’s Park for this one.

PNOTRD is a wild ride, a bizarro romp filled with violence, gore, dark humor and plenty of eye-brow raising. On the surface, some elements are not exactly my favorite type of reads but there are some clever things throughout. I will admit I kinda wanted to see what JR would do with a more new-wave science fictional tale that was closer to the themes we talked about, but he has time.

This novel is a hardcore bizarro tale that is set in a surreal dystopian St. Louis, where one of the most popular pastimes is kidnapping young people. The gangs of kidnappers are called Shanghaiers as in the book. There is some weird stuff with taking Cheerleaders hostages that works on the metaphor of a dystopian high school. There are funny moments throughout even if this novel is far from my favorite style of weird fiction. Fans of irreverent and transgressive Bizarro will enjoy this more than I did.

That said there were plenty of moments that made me laugh and you can’t ask for more in a book. The first one that stuck out to me…

“I know damn well. I am no idiot I'm well aware of what the kids these days do to cut corners in the kidnapping trade model 24 stroboscope incapacitator. I tell him it's a dandified sensor retroreflective delivery system favored by greenhorns such as Angus. A tool Leopold used to refer to as “newfangled junk.”
The novel is filled with turns of phrases that highlight the author’s weird sense of humor, most of these moments come via world-building. I enjoyed this stuff, and it was enough to carry the book. That said if you want to know why I wanted something different that occurred to me at the opening of chapter 11.

This is a moment not built on anything transgressive and to me, it was the best writing in the book.

“The giving machine talks when it senses someone near. The mechanical puppet head that sits atop the obelisk has the plump face of a Gregorian monk with a Halo above it. Its eyes click open, its eyebrows pop up and down and it continues speaking.

“Welcome, penitent!” The prerecorded message sounds tiny and distant over the weatherproof speakers built into its base. The monk's jaw moves up and down like a ventriloquist dummies. So too is the right of contrition. If you have worked with a licensed sanctified piety management minister, please enter your sales ID on the keypad before proceeding with your donation for a complete list of sins or directory of ministers, press the HELP key.”

That is good stuff. I wanted a novel about the robotic door. I am sure I am alone. This to me was the best moment of the book. It paints a picture, and it amused me with a totally different vibe from the rest of the book.

Most of you will enjoy the hilarious kidnapping culture of this world where taking high schoolers hostage drives this dystopian future. That is fair.

“Shanghaiers aren't seeing the kind of proceeds they used to, not from parents nor crowdsourcing. Not the guarantee they get with the Xantarians let alone the convenience. Nobody wants to take the time to spin a good story anymore. It's just Wham bam thank you ma'am.”
Prom Night at the River of Death is a fun, transgressive piece of bizarro fiction, I did wonder if I was missing some of the point, and yes I wanted the small moment of philosophical reflection expanded, but it was a debut novel. Jason Rizos is a talented guy and I excited to check out more of his work

[Zé Burns · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don’t judge a book by its cover. I learned that reading Jason Rizos’ Prom Night on the River of Death. I must admit that from the title and cover, I was not expecting much. But as soon as I started reading, that opinion changed. I had found a gem.

What starts out as the classic horror plot of abduction, soon shows a weird side, and only gets weirder from there. In Rizos’ story we find a world of aliens, professional kidnappers, and a murderous pirate cheerleader gang. The novel is the perfect blend of horror, sci-fi, and preposterousness, as addictive as it is insane.

This is Chester’s last day as a “Shanghaier,” a kidnapper. His profession has become just another part of life, its stigmas lessening, as children become more of a commodity, an investment to their parents. Tonight is prom night, one of the most lucrative times for his trade. But when he abducts the enigmatic cheerleader Leigh Lundqvist, he realizes this is no ordinary kidnapping, taking the reader through twist after twist as the bizarre only grows more bizarre.

Written in a Southern-tinged dialect (that in no way takes away from the story), Rizos carries us along with dream-like narration, his expressive colloquial language simple and well-written. Dark humor abounds. Yet despite its casual style and silliness, this book carries a profundity that is neither in-your-face nor convoluted.

With superb worldbuilding, Rizos paints a vivid and disturbing future, revealed a little at a time. The world is consumed in a distant, evergoing war. Religion comes in the form of the Sanctified Piety Management, an organization meant to bilk the “contrite” of their money, replacing spiritual guidance with ATM-like confessions. Rizos shows us the decline of morals, politics, and religion, and what they could easily become.

The last third of the novel didn’t feel as strong as the rest of the book, my attention wavering at times. I felt the ending was lackluster, far different from the book’s powerful start. Several anecdotal “flashbacks” deviated too far from the story, halting its momentum. And I found myself uncomfortable with the age discrepancy in the romance between Chester and the much younger Leigh.

If you’re looking for page-turning bizarre fiction, look no further. Prom Night on the River of Death delivers that and then some.

[Andrew Stone · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read. And probably a harder book to review. The writing is solid, and I thoroughly enjoyed the story; however, my enjoyment was uncomfortable as hell.

Prom Night on the River of Death is the story of Chester the Molester and the history of the kidnapping business. Chester is a professional who has been kidnapping for over a decade, but he has never fallen in love with a victim until his last year. His victim, we eventually learn, is 18, but for most the book we believe she is a young high school student.

Ultimately, this book is a love story, albeit, an awkward and unusual one. Definitely recommended for fans of Troma films or alien abductions. But whatever you do, don't go lurking around high schools the day before prom night!

[Vince Kramer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Action packed, funny and wild, Prom Night on the River of Death is an entertaining teenage romp full of aliens, kidnappers, and death. And any book with death in title is alright with me.