A Letter of Consolation

by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Finding Faith in a Time of Sorrow

Beloved author Henri Nouwen reflects on the spiritual significance of death and life in this moving meditation dedicated to "all those who suffer the pain that death can bring and who search for new life."

Genres: Grief, Spirituality, Catholic, Religion, Christian, Christianity, Faith

96 pages, Paperback

First published March 10, 1982

About the author

Henri Jozef Machiel Nouwen was a Dutch Catholic priest, theologian, psychologist, professor, and spiritual writer whose work profoundly shaped contemporary Christian spirituality. Born in Nijkerk, the Netherlands, in 1932, Nouwen pursued religious studies and was ordained a priest in 1957. His intellectual curiosity led him to study psychology at the Catholic University of Nijmegen and later at the Menninger Clinic in Kansas, where he explored the connection between faith and mental health. Throughout his life, Nouwen remained committed to integrating pastoral care, psychology, and spiritual theology in a way that addressed the emotional and existential needs of believers.
Nouwen held teaching positions at prestigious institutions including the University of Notre Dame, Yale Divinity School, and Harvard Divinity School. He authored over three dozen books and hundreds of articles, with notable works such as The Wounded Healer, The Return of the Prodigal Son, Life of the Beloved, and The Inner Voice of Love. His writing, often rooted in personal vulnerability and spiritual struggle, resonated with readers across denominations. Nouwen openly explored themes of loneliness, identity, intimacy, and the human desire for love and belonging, making his voice especially relatable and influential.
Though he was a gifted academic and popular speaker, Nouwen found his deepest calling later in life through his involvement with L’Arche, a network of communities for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. After a transformative stay at the original L’Arche community in France, Nouwen accepted an invitation to become the pastor of L’Arche Daybreak in Richmond Hill, Ontario. There he developed a close bond with Adam Arnett, a core member with severe disabilities, which inspired the book Adam: God’s Beloved. At Daybreak, Nouwen discovered a deep spiritual home and a community that helped him embrace his humanity in profound ways.
Throughout his life, Nouwen wrestled with issues of identity, including his sexuality and his longing for connection, though he remained faithful to his vows. His openness about depression and inner conflict gave depth to his pastoral message, and his ability to turn personal struggle into shared spiritual insight made him one of the most beloved spiritual writers of the 20th century.
Henri Nouwen died in 1996 of a sudden heart attack, but his legacy endures through his writings, the Henri Nouwen Society, and the continued global reach of his message of belovedness, vulnerability, and compassionate community. His books remain bestsellers, widely read in seminaries, churches, and among individuals seeking a more intimate walk with God.

Reviews

[7jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

In spring 1979, about 6 months after his mother's death, Nouwen wrote this as a letter to his father, wanting to talk about it. Later he decided to put this out as a book (with his father's permission), and I feel it was a wise decision. The fact that Nouwen lived in US and his father in Holland meant that the communication was done mostly via letters, which is probably why Nouwen could write about what thoughts had come to his mind, easier to express than face to face. The letter reflects on spiritual significance of death and life, and uses Easter time as a supporting theme for the musings. The book is slim and chaptered, and reads quickly.

There's talk of absence felt, memories of what actions she would have taken with certain situations. Of how one realised what a good person she was, and how the pain never really fades completely. It makes one muse on death more, and meditation on it is not all bad. Death's impact on the living is only really full known when the situation arrives.

That said the news are not all gloomy: the new life situation has returned Nouwen's father to roles that were previously divided with his wife (who did the talking and emotional connections as her role in the family, which now are his again). And the comfort of Christ's love (if one is Christian) can be comforting. One re-evaluates life, muses on reminders left behind (love letters, photographs, presents, possessions that used to belong to the dead person). One should try to not withdraw, to cling too much, to cease living because of a death.

There's musing on Easter themes: Jesus's fear before the road to his death began (everyone fears death a bit), how disciples only gradually realised that Jesus's death was not a final death of hope, but a new beginning. How we remember the Passion in receiving the Eucharist.

Nouwen brings in the weather too, what he experienced at his current residence's surrouding nature and weather at that time, which suited well the letter's theme... a sunny weather after a typical spring snow, skies becoming blue again. It brings the letter beautifully to the end... there's the quiet, hopeful wait of 'we meet again' that the love brings. (I can relate to this feeling, one that I had at the funeral of my maternal grandmother.) There's the snow of death, sorrow, emptiness - then comes the sunny, clear skies of hope, faith, and the greatest - LOVE <3

[Weston Skaggs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Edit: just concluded my 5th or 6th reading of this one.
"I have a deep sense, hard to articulate, that if we could really befriend death we would be free people."
This is one of the most touching and deeply beneficial books in my library. As the title suggests it is a long letter but a short book (96 pages).
It is a letter sent from middle-aged priest Henri to his Dutch lawyer father 6 months after the passing of Henri's mother.
Henri writes it during Holy Week and each day takes time to share memories of his mother and comfort for his father all through the lens of Christ's passion and resurrection.
I find it so profound, compassionate, and hopeful that I have taken to reading it every year during holy week. It truly is a balm to the soul.
"This gives us some idea of the agony of Jesus. Who has tasted life more fully than he? Who has known more intimately the beauty of the land in which he lived? Who has understood better the smiles of children, the cries of the sick, and the tears of those in grief? Every fiber of his being spoke of life. 'I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life,' he said, and in him only life could be found. How will we ever be able to grasp what it must have meant for him to undergo death, to be cut off from life and to enter into the darkness of total destruction! The agony in the garden, the humiliation of the mockery, the pains of flagellation, the sorrowful way to Calvary, and the horrendous execution on the Cross were suffered by the Lord of life."

[Chad · Rating 5 out of 5]

In these letters to his father following the death of his mother, Nouwen explores death itself, hope in Christ, the unexpected fruits that can follow the death of a beloved, and how the Christian’s life is shaped by Good Friday and Easter. Personal. Poignant. Beautiful.

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nouwen's gentle spirit and thoughtful way are a light in darkness in this letter to his father after the death of Henri's mother. Over the period of Holy Week in 1979, he wrote about love and death and grief and hope as he held this saddest of events in his life to the light of Christ.
He wrote about his mother's love for life, for her family and most of all for her God. One of the most profound thoughts in the book was his reflection on fear of death. He said that even Jesus feared death evidenced by his agony in the Garden of Gethsemane and his last words on the cross. Nouwen said God created us for life and it is understandable that we would be reluctant to let go of such a gift.
I think this is a book to return to in times of loss.

[Eternity Fall · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Chce Cie pokrzepić i pocieszyć, lecz nie w taki sposób który ukrywa prawdziwy ból i omija wszelkie rany. Piszę ten list w głębokim przekonaniu, iż rzeczywistości można stawić czoło i wejść w nią z otwartym umysłem i sercem, w szczerym przeświadczeniu, iż pocieszenie i pokrzepienie znajdziemy tam gdzie nasze rany są najbardziej bolesne"

[Igor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Libro non di facile lettura, molto profondo. Da portare avanti a piccoli passi.

[Julie Fukuda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was given me by a friend when my husband died. I especially liked one part that spoke of times passed by like friendly visitors. "In every arrival there is leavetaking; in every reunion there is a separation; in each one's growing up there is a growing old; in every smile there is a tear; and in every success there is a loss. All living is dying and all celebration is mortification too."

[Barb Flory · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nouwen wrote this letter to his father six months after his mother died. It is a beautiful and deep reflection on his mother's life and on death itself -- its significance and role in our lives. Excellent!

[Leo Daphne · Rating 5 out of 5]

beautifully written, and I read it when i lost my uncle which really helped me to understand better about death-life.

[Sam · Rating 2 out of 5]

“I think that from the point of view of mother's death and our own mortality, we can now see our lives as a long process of mortification. You are familiar with that word. Priests use it a lot during Lent. They say, "You have to mortify yourself." It sounds unpleasant and harsh and moralistic. But mortification — literally, ‘making death’ — is what life is all about, a slow discovery of the mortality of all that is created so that we can appreciate its beauty without clinging to it as if it were a lasting possession. Our lives can indeed be seen as a process of becoming familiar with death, as a school in the art of dying. I do not mean this in a morbid way. On the contrary, when we see life constantly relativized by death, we can enjoy it for what it is: a free gift. The pictures, letters, and books of the past reveal life to us as a constant saying of farewell to beautiful places, good people, and wonderful experiences.

All these times have passed by like friendly visitors, leaving you with dear memories but also with the sad recognition of the shortness of life. In every arrival there is a leavetaking; in every reunion there is a separation; in each one's growing up there is a growing old; in every smile there is a tear; and in every success there is a loss. All living is dying and all celebration is mortification too.”
—
“It is because of the liberating death of Christ that I dare say to you that mother's death is not simply an absurd end to a beautiful, altruistic life. Rather, her death is an event that allows her altruism to yield a rich harvest. Jesus died so that we might live, and everyone who dies in union with him participates in the life-giving power of his death. Thus we can indeed say that mother, who died under the sign of the cross, died so that we might live.

Therefore, under that same sign, each of our deaths can become a death for others. I think that we need to start seeing the profound meaning of this dying for each other in and through the death of Christ in order to catch a glimpse of what eternal life might mean. Eternity is born in time, and every time someone dies whom we have loved dearly, eternity can break into our mortal existence a little bit more.”

[Christen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every time I read something by Nouwen, I feel like I am his biggest fangirl ever.

This book is a letter, or a series of letters, written by Nouwen to his widower father, discussing the death of his mother.

He speaks of freedom coming from integrating the hard and easy things of life. He wants us to befriend death so we can be free. He wants us to understand that our powerlessness in the face of death can be experienced as being guided, even if we do not know where. He observes that only after Jesus' death could his disciples truly fulfill their vocation. He observes that growth comes through death, and that the growth is what we see in ourselves as a result of someone else's death.

I was particularly inspired by his statement that the Eucharist is the center of his life, and that everything else receives its meaning from that center. He drew strength from his mother's commitment to the Eucharist and felt united with he through it.

I don't think it was an accident that I read this book during Passion Week, which is the time in which he wrote it. While I am not grieving a particular death now, I am better equipped to experience the remembrance of Jesus' death more deeply, and I will be better prepared for the next death I experience in my life.

Highly recommended for anyone who is a follower of Christ who wants to understand death or grief more.

[Frederick Buettner · Rating 5 out of 5]

February, 2021
I heard of this book while reading Maria Shriver’s sunday paper in late January, 2021. There was a piece by Doris Lessing that Maria’s blog had a link to on grief. In Doris Lessing’s article the Letter of consolation was quoted. I have read and reread some of Nouwen’s works but had never heard of this particular work. “A Letter of Consolation” is Henri Nouwen’s beautiful letter to his father in Holland about 6 months after Henri’s mother’s death in 1978. Henri was living and teaching in the US at the time at Notre Dame in Indiana. He went back to work teaching and ignored his emotions. It was six months later that he went on retreat at a Trappist Monastery in New York State that he began to compose this letter. I read this little book 94 pages in 2 sittings. It was an excellent consolation for me personally as the grieving journey continues after losing an extremely close partner and lover. It is a book that I would certainly recommend for anyone that has experienced the loss of a loved one...

[Joe Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this meaningful little book, Henri Nouwen reflects on the death of his mother and its meaning for his life and future.

Written originally as a letter to his father six months after her passing, the words are personal and powerful. Nouwen does not try to offer shallow platitudes, but acknowledges the raw pain of experiencing the death of a loved one. His reflections are honest and vulnerable.

Nouwen wrote this letter over the course of Holy Week and Easter. What I appreciate most about this book is how this sacred period of the Christian calendar revealed deep spiritual truths to Nouwen about death and life.

I am currently relating deeply to Nouwen's experience of sitting in Holy Saturday - deeply in a raw grief, but holding on to a slight hope that Easter Sunday is coming; that God will somehow work good out of this deep, dark place. New life is coming. Resurrection is coming. This book has encouraged me to not rush through this moment, but work through my grief in its own time.

[Dena McGoldrick Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book on grief that I had not read in the past ten years since losing my first husband. I've read dozens of other books on grief and this one stand out. The author ties death and grief around the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. He share how grief never lessens and in fact deepens over time. But by looking at how Christ's death gives us new life, so a loved ones death gives us a new purpose of life, if we allow it to. Chapters 5 and 6 were the most meaningful to me, although there are many quotes throughout the small book that jumped off the page and I was wholeheartedly agreeing.

p. 59 "Jesus of Nazareth did not die for himself, but for us, and that in following him, we too are called to make our death a death for others."

p. 69 "it points above all to Christ, who gives us his body and blood as a constant reminder that death is no longer a reason for despair but has become in and through him the basis of our hope."

[by the stripes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fav quotes:
Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect- or better, in memory- that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain.

Befriending death…in order to become full human beings, we have to claim the totality of our experience; we come to maturity by integrating not only the light but also the dark side of our story into our selfhood. …if we could really befriend death we would be free people. So many of our doubts and hesitations, ambivalences and insecurities are bound up with our deep seated fear of death that our lives would be significantly different if we could relate to death as a familiar guest instead of a threatening stranger.

[Victoria Slotto · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am familiar with the work of Henri Nouwen, a prolific writer, theologian, Catholic priest who came to the US from Holland. This book was written as a letter to his father in the aftermath of the death of his mother. My mother died late last year and I found it in her library, hoping it would help me with the grieving process. In this respect, it did not meet my expectations though its value as a theological treatise on Christian death is well tied into the pascal mystery (he wrote it during Holy Week). I can't recommend it as a book for those going through loss, at least not in the early stages. It took me a long time to read it.

[Borja Jimenez · Rating 3 out of 5]

"El verdadero amor dice: «Para siempre». El amor tenderá siempre hacia la eternidad. El amor proviene de aquel lugar de nuestro interior donde la muerte no puede entrar. El amor no admite límites de horas, días, semanas, meses, años o siglos. El amor no está dispuesto a dejarse apresar por el tiempo."

"Es importante, muy importante, que estemos preparados para morir; pero si empezamos a pensar en ello sólo cuando ya somos enfermos terminales, nuestras reflexiones no nos darán el apoyo que necesitaremos. Ahora gozamos de buena salud."

"Al hacernos amigos de la muerte, podemos afrontar nuestra condición mortal y elegir la vida libremente."

[Menno Beek · Rating 5 out of 5]

This man might have written mediocre text, but this certainly is not one of them. Its a letter to his father, after the death of Nouwens Mother, in which he consoles his father, who lost his wife. He gradually builds an argument on the meaning of the death of his mother, using her Catholicism as a way to hint to his father how the empty space the women left behind can be filled with love and hope, while mourning can have its place to. Because he is not only consoling his father but also, even maybe primarily, himself, the argument is quite convincing and authentic and moving.

[William Stanger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of Nouwen's more personal books and, as such, was quite moving. It's a long letter he wrote to his father six months after the death of his mother. Written around the time of Easter, it also reflects on the meaning of the death and resurrection of Jesus. Although it is very personal, Nouwen got permission from his father to publish it in order that it might help others who are going through a period of grief after loss.

[Edward Bellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

He is risen

As he reflects on his mother’s death and his pain and his father’s loss, he relays a deep sense of the holy mystery of Easter and its power. He let love move in and through his thoughts and feelings to bridge the farthest divide in the world - his head and his heart. In this Lenten season, his words are mile markers of my own journey and may my love lead me as well. I miss our gentle monk.

[Joanna Chan · Rating 4 out of 5]

“A growing surrender to the unknown is a sign of spiritual maturity and it does not take away autonomy.”

“If the God who revealed life to us, and whose only desire is to bring us to life, loved us so much that he wanted to experience with us the total absurdity of death, then—yes, then there must be hope”

[Mason Sutherland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful book reflecting on death, life, and grief.
“Yet, the same love that reveals the absurdity of death also allows us to befriend death. The same love that forms the basis of our grief is also the basis of our hope; the same love that makes us cry out in pain also must enable us to develop a liberating intimacy with our own most basic brokenness.”

[Christopher Pokorny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nouwen’s reflections on his mother’s death as letters to his father. Helpful for those who are wanting a devotional reading during Holy Week, as he is writing these letters during Holy Week. Also a helpful tool for those who are in the midst of the grief process.

[Melisa Blankenship · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this book we read someone else's mail so to speak. Nouwen is writing to his father after the death of his mother. He's connecting, comforting, and helping to place their mourning in the context of the love and care of God.

[Dan Sendker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful and, despite its slim length, challenging. In every paragraph, I either knew exactly what Nouwen was talking about or I had no idea whatsoever.

This would be the perfect book to read while mourning someone during Holy Week.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

"'Love is stronger than death.' This sentence summarizes better than any other the meaning of the resurrection and therefore also the meaning of death."

[Charlene Hios · Rating 3 out of 5]

A hard read given it was a letter to his dad regarding the death of the author's mother. Henri attempted to relate his mother's death with that of Christ's yet i didn't get his explanation.

[Kathryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderfully compassionate and personal description of living in the aftermath of losing a loved one, even when they have known the Lord.

[Brad Layland · Rating 4 out of 5]

A slightly different book from Nouwen. It was a good reflection on his life, his relationship with his mother. I also really enjoyed his reflection on the role of the Eucharist.

[Robbie Wilbur · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent insightful book for spiritual insights for those that have lost a parent or other loved ones.