Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker

by Bonnie Eaker Weil

A leading couples therapist evaluates secret spending behaviors that compromise relationships, explaining the dangers of binge shopping, financial power plays, hidden bank accounts, and other factors while offering counsel on the relationship between money and intimacy.

336 pages, Hardcover

First published April 17, 2008

Reviews

[Adam · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave this book a quick inspection and found it not what I expected. I discovered this book mentioned in a blog post about how couples might manage their finances better. The book is a fear-mongering pop-psychology treatise on how lying to your partner may endanger the health of your relationship.

We both took the Cosmopolitanesque financial infidelity test and scored easy zeros. The description for our score range made the assumption no one would score zero. The introduction talked about every relationship going through a power struggle. The entire assertion of the phases of a relationship had non supporting study or data and the assumptions made certainly could use a little supporting. I found little mention of actual studies.

These phases are important because they form the structure of the solution to financial infidelity the author proposes. I had trouble agreeing with the phases and I was not convinced they're accurate. They sure seem like generalized and presuming. By extension I did not feel convinced the solution was a good one. That's the trouble with the book I had, it wasn't very convincing.

It's possible the methods in the book to overcome financial infidelity will help some couples, but it doesn't seem useful to anyone not deceiving their partner. The chapter titles were puns of relationship and money cliches mashed together (e.g. "Define the currency of your relationship") and they made me actually groan out loud.

My one take away was the following quote: "Financial infidelity occurs whenever you keep a secret about money. Whether it's how you spend it, how you save it, or how it makes you feel when you or your partner use it in a particular way."

[Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book surprised me by how often financial problems were tied into other problems especially sexual infidelity. The book is full of examples from the author's years of practice. Brain chemical imbalances were also a factor in some cases. The penultimate chapter is "The Brain-Body Connection." It has clear definitions of the parts of the brain, their function, the hormones and neurotransmitters.

There are lots of evaluations and lots of suggested dialogues in the book. Eight stages of a relationship are defined:
1. Euphoria
2. Magical thinking
3. The power struggle
4. Transition
5. Breaking up
6. Making up
7. Reromanticizing
8. Real and lasting love.

In order to progress to the "Real and lasting love," Seven steps are defined.
1. Calculate the cost
2. Examine your power dynamic
3. Divest yourself of the past
4. Break up with your money
5. Define the currency of your relationship
Refinance your relationship
7. Invest in your future

The book was an easy read. Working through the exercises and discussing them will take a lot more time than reading the book. Taking time to discuss the pitfalls and feelings is the way it ought to be.

[E · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful insights on protecting your relationship during money woes

She rushes to the mailbox to intercept the credit card statement and make sure that the incriminating information remains confidential. He receives a nice bonus check but blows it all at a bar after work. Lying to a partner about money is all too common. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., uses her 30 years of therapeutic experience to present a compelling study of financial deception and its impact on relationships. Attitudes toward money – even spending habits – are shaped during childhood. The trick is understanding them. Weil says adults who lack insight about their attitudes tend to perpetuate destructive behaviors that can harm their relationships. getAbstract believes that almost anyone can benefit from Weil’s advice. She’s right on the money.

[Victoria Evangelina Allen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perhaps, this is not the right book to be listened as an audio. It contains a lot of lists and exercises; but the main point is: we ought to be honest with our partners about our feelings and expectations on relationships and life. Otherwise, it all goes to hell. The book helps to see the most difficult areas in financial field your marriage, and tries helping you to navigate over them.

[Jim Anthony · Rating 3 out of 5]

Has a lot of good insights about how couples handle their finances and how to improve that part of your relationship. Great for couples who have a lot of issues over finances. Has a lot of "psycho-babble" language but still good on the whole.

[Jeana Salman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty interesting book about handling money issues with loved ones. She talks about recognizing what money means to you or others. So many couples may fight about money, but it's often a symptom of other issues.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

The overall lucidity of the book trumps the promotional hype ("Dr. Bonnie" wants us to know that she has a near 100% success rate!) and the decision to name her (really very sound) advice as a system (Smart Heart Dialogue).

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

It didn't always apply to me, but it helped me see my relationship with money. Money is so wrapped up into our emotions and self-worth.

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting premise, terrible execution.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Awesome!