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Brain Injury: A Family Tragedy
the author shows us how the devastation of a lifetime can be used to find hope and purpose where none seemingly exists.
239 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 1997
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June 10, 2023
This book made me angry, but not in ways you might expect.
The story of Gary Abrahamson, a man who acquires an anoxic brain injury as a result of a sudden heart attack at age 37, is told through the eyes of his mother, Patt. She writes of the odyssey of doctors, therapists, and a lawsuit, as they try to navigate a better way of life for Gary.
While I can't imagine the pain that Gary 's family went through and know that this can cause myriad issues of stress, denial, and mourning for the family, it still made me very frustrated to read.
Gary is left with a brain injury that gives him splinter skills..i.e., he can beat someone at a game of checkers or tic tac toe, but he can't remember to shower or brush his teeth. He perseverates on asking the same questions on an infinite loop. He makes inappropriate comments, and acts out sexually. He has moments where he becomes enraged, threatening the safety of himself and anyone around him at the time.
Gary's parents consult doctor after doctor, clinic after clinic, therapist after therapist, and nothing seems to work for Gary. While I know that supports for acquired brain injury (I'll call it ABI, for brevity) are inadequate in many areas and that it was much less understood and provided for in the late 80s-90s when Gary was going through his injury and the aftermath, to me it seemed like his parents kept moving on because they didn't get the answer they wanted. The parents, while coming to terms with some of Gary's limitations after a long period of time , still seemed unrealistic and in denial. They argued with just about every professional that crossed their path. According to Patt, the professionals were all wrong, inadequate, or unfair. I started to see the common denominator here was the Abrahamsons, and found it hard to believe that out of all of the resources they exhausted , including the court and congress etc, nothing met with their approval. I think they wanted someone to be the "magic bullet" for Gary that would cure him, or at least give him vast improvement. I don't think they were accepting his limitations and the extent of his brain injury. They seemed unfairly harsh on all the professionals they sought out. It especially bothered me that they were basically blocking the idea of psychiatric drugs because Gary had had side effects. They all have side effects. Surely, Gary's emotions being on a more even keel and his level of aggression lowered to the point he was no longer a danger to himself or others should be enough to tolerate tardive dyskenisia or occasional times of "dribbling" urine. They didn't even give the meds a chance to see if the side effects would go away.
My biggest shock was when they actually let Gary do a driver's test (verbal/written, which he passed) and to drive on his own, saying he was a "cautious driver". Gary had to be reminded to do the simplest of daily tasks, and was prone to extreme emotional lability. While I appreciate them wanting him to gain some independence, Gary driving was putting himself and others at risk. Thankfully, they discontinued that.
Then there were the work placements. None of the work placements were stimulating enough for Gary, according to Patt. He got let go from a couple because of his aggression, and she blamed this on the placement. I think it was more that he was unmedicated and not getting the right therapy. She seemed to expect Gary to be able to perform at an intellectual and social level that were simply out of reach due to his ABI.
Patt is adamant Gary not be institutionalized. While I disagree with institutions in general, I think Gary would have been a good candidate for a group home or something similar. Patt rejects every offer of alternative placements for Gary and insists he has to be at home with his parents. Gary's violent outbursts put them at risk. Patt's all-consuming crusade for Gary puts a huge strain on the marriage.Gary has a strained relationship with his father. It comes out that his father used to beat him with a belt. While I know corporeal punishment wasn't unusual when Gary was growing up, that doesn't make it ok. He clashes with his father and his father responds by either being authoritarian or making jokes. I don't think Gary necessarily wanted to live with his father. His father, frankly, sounded like a "macho" type that was conservative in outlook and philosophy. Patt was also quite conservative. Their ideas of caregiving seemed really out of date and they refused most advice given to them.
The weirdest section was the section on humour. While I have a dark sense of humour myself and am not discounting the role of humour in coping, their use of it was inappropriate. Joking with Gary about his inappropriate actions and comments just served as reinforcement for him, giving him an "audience" and making it seem ok. He makes sexualized comments about his mother's body and they laugh about it in front of him. That's awful. Gary said those things to strangers and sometimes tried to touch them. If the parents responded by laughing, he might get the impression it's fine to assault someone.
Patt admits she was playing the martyr for a while. I'd argue that she still was at the end of the book. In today's world, Patt would be a "doctor google": understandably, she reads and studies everything she can about ABI..then argues with doctors and seems to think her knowledge is superior. While doctors aren't all-knowing or by any means infallible, they go to school for almost a decade to study medicine. They usually know better than someone with a stack of library books.
Finally, one of my biggest issues with the book is Patt's treatment and judgment of Kris, Gary' wife. She makes it clear at the beginning of the book that she never really liked Kris, but doesn't say why exactly. They momentarily grow closer over Gary's accident, but they soon become strained again. Pat thinks Kris is selfish for not wanting to sell off her property and her vehicle to provide for Gary's care, and Gary Sr. says it's her responsibility. Kris argues that she can't sell everything she owns. She has 2 children to look after and is suddenly basically a single mom. Gary lives with Kris at first , but keeps eloping to his parents' house. Gary is aggressive and violent at times with Kris, but somehow Patt makes Gary into the pitiful figure and Kris the monster. Kris eventually moves and divorces Gary. Patt is upset when the lawyer wants to sue Gary's doctor on behalf of Kris as well, for lack of consortium. Patt worries this will leave "less of a settlement" for Gary, which is incredibly selfish. We find out Gary and Kris tried to have a normal sexual relationship, but that Gary was unable to reciprocate and would insist on sex 20 minutes after they had had it due to memory loss. He couldn't look after the children. Kris felt she could no longer live that way. This wasn't Gary anymore. I can't say I blame her. I would have liked to read about Gary's story from Kris's perspective. I got the feeling Kris was tougher on Gary and the parents more enabling, that's why he preferred to be with his parents. For all her crusades for treatment, Patt seems to do little to improve Gary's self-help skills:she often has to shower , dress, and brush his teeth for him. Occupational therapy might have done wonders, but they were rejected. Or Patt said they rejected Gary for his behaviour. Behaviour that might have been managed with medication they rejected.
As a former social worker and mother to a disabled child, this book was frustrating. I felt the Abrahamsons would be impossible to work with as a professional. While I appreciate the enormity of cost for the care of Gary, they aren't exactly poor and try to make it out like they are: they own 2 dry cleaning businesses and Patt eventually gets a social work degree. Their version of "poor" is pretty skewed.
Needless to say, I don't recommend this book. It's out of date and frustrating. To be honest, it left me disliking these parents and their approach. While I sympathized with them, their attitudes were trying and annoying.
The story of Gary Abrahamson, a man who acquires an anoxic brain injury as a result of a sudden heart attack at age 37, is told through the eyes of his mother, Patt. She writes of the odyssey of doctors, therapists, and a lawsuit, as they try to navigate a better way of life for Gary.
While I can't imagine the pain that Gary 's family went through and know that this can cause myriad issues of stress, denial, and mourning for the family, it still made me very frustrated to read.
Gary is left with a brain injury that gives him splinter skills..i.e., he can beat someone at a game of checkers or tic tac toe, but he can't remember to shower or brush his teeth. He perseverates on asking the same questions on an infinite loop. He makes inappropriate comments, and acts out sexually. He has moments where he becomes enraged, threatening the safety of himself and anyone around him at the time.
Gary's parents consult doctor after doctor, clinic after clinic, therapist after therapist, and nothing seems to work for Gary. While I know that supports for acquired brain injury (I'll call it ABI, for brevity) are inadequate in many areas and that it was much less understood and provided for in the late 80s-90s when Gary was going through his injury and the aftermath, to me it seemed like his parents kept moving on because they didn't get the answer they wanted. The parents, while coming to terms with some of Gary's limitations after a long period of time , still seemed unrealistic and in denial. They argued with just about every professional that crossed their path. According to Patt, the professionals were all wrong, inadequate, or unfair. I started to see the common denominator here was the Abrahamsons, and found it hard to believe that out of all of the resources they exhausted , including the court and congress etc, nothing met with their approval. I think they wanted someone to be the "magic bullet" for Gary that would cure him, or at least give him vast improvement. I don't think they were accepting his limitations and the extent of his brain injury. They seemed unfairly harsh on all the professionals they sought out. It especially bothered me that they were basically blocking the idea of psychiatric drugs because Gary had had side effects. They all have side effects. Surely, Gary's emotions being on a more even keel and his level of aggression lowered to the point he was no longer a danger to himself or others should be enough to tolerate tardive dyskenisia or occasional times of "dribbling" urine. They didn't even give the meds a chance to see if the side effects would go away.
My biggest shock was when they actually let Gary do a driver's test (verbal/written, which he passed) and to drive on his own, saying he was a "cautious driver". Gary had to be reminded to do the simplest of daily tasks, and was prone to extreme emotional lability. While I appreciate them wanting him to gain some independence, Gary driving was putting himself and others at risk. Thankfully, they discontinued that.
Then there were the work placements. None of the work placements were stimulating enough for Gary, according to Patt. He got let go from a couple because of his aggression, and she blamed this on the placement. I think it was more that he was unmedicated and not getting the right therapy. She seemed to expect Gary to be able to perform at an intellectual and social level that were simply out of reach due to his ABI.
Patt is adamant Gary not be institutionalized. While I disagree with institutions in general, I think Gary would have been a good candidate for a group home or something similar. Patt rejects every offer of alternative placements for Gary and insists he has to be at home with his parents. Gary's violent outbursts put them at risk. Patt's all-consuming crusade for Gary puts a huge strain on the marriage.Gary has a strained relationship with his father. It comes out that his father used to beat him with a belt. While I know corporeal punishment wasn't unusual when Gary was growing up, that doesn't make it ok. He clashes with his father and his father responds by either being authoritarian or making jokes. I don't think Gary necessarily wanted to live with his father. His father, frankly, sounded like a "macho" type that was conservative in outlook and philosophy. Patt was also quite conservative. Their ideas of caregiving seemed really out of date and they refused most advice given to them.
The weirdest section was the section on humour. While I have a dark sense of humour myself and am not discounting the role of humour in coping, their use of it was inappropriate. Joking with Gary about his inappropriate actions and comments just served as reinforcement for him, giving him an "audience" and making it seem ok. He makes sexualized comments about his mother's body and they laugh about it in front of him. That's awful. Gary said those things to strangers and sometimes tried to touch them. If the parents responded by laughing, he might get the impression it's fine to assault someone.
Patt admits she was playing the martyr for a while. I'd argue that she still was at the end of the book. In today's world, Patt would be a "doctor google": understandably, she reads and studies everything she can about ABI..then argues with doctors and seems to think her knowledge is superior. While doctors aren't all-knowing or by any means infallible, they go to school for almost a decade to study medicine. They usually know better than someone with a stack of library books.
Finally, one of my biggest issues with the book is Patt's treatment and judgment of Kris, Gary' wife. She makes it clear at the beginning of the book that she never really liked Kris, but doesn't say why exactly. They momentarily grow closer over Gary's accident, but they soon become strained again. Pat thinks Kris is selfish for not wanting to sell off her property and her vehicle to provide for Gary's care, and Gary Sr. says it's her responsibility. Kris argues that she can't sell everything she owns. She has 2 children to look after and is suddenly basically a single mom. Gary lives with Kris at first , but keeps eloping to his parents' house. Gary is aggressive and violent at times with Kris, but somehow Patt makes Gary into the pitiful figure and Kris the monster. Kris eventually moves and divorces Gary. Patt is upset when the lawyer wants to sue Gary's doctor on behalf of Kris as well, for lack of consortium. Patt worries this will leave "less of a settlement" for Gary, which is incredibly selfish. We find out Gary and Kris tried to have a normal sexual relationship, but that Gary was unable to reciprocate and would insist on sex 20 minutes after they had had it due to memory loss. He couldn't look after the children. Kris felt she could no longer live that way. This wasn't Gary anymore. I can't say I blame her. I would have liked to read about Gary's story from Kris's perspective. I got the feeling Kris was tougher on Gary and the parents more enabling, that's why he preferred to be with his parents. For all her crusades for treatment, Patt seems to do little to improve Gary's self-help skills:she often has to shower , dress, and brush his teeth for him. Occupational therapy might have done wonders, but they were rejected. Or Patt said they rejected Gary for his behaviour. Behaviour that might have been managed with medication they rejected.
As a former social worker and mother to a disabled child, this book was frustrating. I felt the Abrahamsons would be impossible to work with as a professional. While I appreciate the enormity of cost for the care of Gary, they aren't exactly poor and try to make it out like they are: they own 2 dry cleaning businesses and Patt eventually gets a social work degree. Their version of "poor" is pretty skewed.
Needless to say, I don't recommend this book. It's out of date and frustrating. To be honest, it left me disliking these parents and their approach. While I sympathized with them, their attitudes were trying and annoying.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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