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Escaping the Hostility Trap: The One Sure Way to Deal With Impossible People
Escaping the Hostility The One Sure Way to Deal With Impossible People
266 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1977
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February 8, 2018
Other reviewers cheer (but don't surprise) me that they have benefited from Dr Layden's treatment.
Dr Layden reinforces an observation I'd made about ten years ago, that almost nothing hurts more than to be "dissed." A cutting remark one day, though unintentional, could have cost me my career and pension had it played out differently.
I believe the book explains a lot of the Arab world's vicious, inhumane, unending fight against Israel: it is because they have been humiliated without end. (Starting the very first day after Israel was declared a nation in 1948, when the armies of Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon and Syria attacked Israel and were defeated by the ragtag Jewish resistance.) In Dr Layden's terms, the Arabs suffer from I, from Inferiority. How this mindset can end without Israel being destroyed is the Gordian knot both Israel and its neighbors must together solve.
But while I find the author's basic premise convincing, I also have misgivings with the book.
One is that Dr Layden seems to find all inter-personal problems to have but one cause, which he describes as "I = H, or Inferiority generates Hostility."
Had he left it there, he'd have done much to spread his valuable message.
Instead, he added (on page 15) "I --> A + Ob + H + S + Mar," or (again, I quote)
I = the feeling of Inferiority or loss of self respect
--> = generates
A = Anxiety
Ob = Obsession with oneself
H = mirage of Hostility
S = mirage of Superiority
Mar = Martyring (blaming other persons and situations for failures)
...and used these terms throughout the book in describing his anecdotal treatments.
Call me simple-minded, but this muddies his message and makes treatment less effective than it might be otherwise.
It also seems as if, just as every nail needs a hammer, all problems are explained by this formula. Your spouse treats you badly? It's due to her Hostility, expressed or subconscious. But this hostility is caused by your spouse's sense of Inferiority, which is caused by YOUR own unconscious Hostility. It's a vicious circle.
The good doctor even extends his formula to misbehaving children. I say children have little more in their minds than a need to please their parents, to feel loved by them, and they do not act badly due to unconscious hostility (unless the parents are indeed cruel). But Dr Layden, as ever, blames the patient for the problem. Your child disobeys you? It must be your fault.
Your husband prefers fishing to spending time with you? It must be your fault. Your wife is careless with the family budget? Your fault. Your teenagers use drugs? Your fault. Hypochondria, high blood pressure, ulcers? Your fault. A spouse's alcoholism or gambling addiction? Your fault.
You, the aggrieved, must be the cause of the problem, and only after YOU change will the problem be resolved.
Sometimes true. In Dr Layden's book, it seems, always true. After a while, I was wondering if anyone could ever be responsible for his or her own shortcomings.
I believe the book has a brilliant insight and is worth reading (though not a particularly enjoyable read), but the wisdom in it could have been conveyed much more effectively.
That the insight has not been widely received can be seen by this sad fact: mine is but the third review 34 years after the book was published.
-----
26 March 2014, Wall Street Journal.
William A. Galston's column, titled "Pride, Prejudice and Putin's Predation," includes the following:
"Among the motives for changing [a country's] status quo, one has proved especially explosive -- injured pride, which generates humiliation, anger and a desire for revenge.
The politicians who best exploit this psychology of victimization often rise to the top. The classic example is Hitler's exploitation of the 1919 Treaty of Versailles; there are many others. The long decline of the Islamic world, which culminated in colonial occupation and division, established the emotional predicate for radical Islam's potent dream of a new caliphate."
In just a few words, a fine summary of the importance of Dr Layden's teachings.
Dr Layden reinforces an observation I'd made about ten years ago, that almost nothing hurts more than to be "dissed." A cutting remark one day, though unintentional, could have cost me my career and pension had it played out differently.
I believe the book explains a lot of the Arab world's vicious, inhumane, unending fight against Israel: it is because they have been humiliated without end. (Starting the very first day after Israel was declared a nation in 1948, when the armies of Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon and Syria attacked Israel and were defeated by the ragtag Jewish resistance.) In Dr Layden's terms, the Arabs suffer from I, from Inferiority. How this mindset can end without Israel being destroyed is the Gordian knot both Israel and its neighbors must together solve.
But while I find the author's basic premise convincing, I also have misgivings with the book.
One is that Dr Layden seems to find all inter-personal problems to have but one cause, which he describes as "I = H, or Inferiority generates Hostility."
Had he left it there, he'd have done much to spread his valuable message.
Instead, he added (on page 15) "I --> A + Ob + H + S + Mar," or (again, I quote)
I = the feeling of Inferiority or loss of self respect
--> = generates
A = Anxiety
Ob = Obsession with oneself
H = mirage of Hostility
S = mirage of Superiority
Mar = Martyring (blaming other persons and situations for failures)
...and used these terms throughout the book in describing his anecdotal treatments.
Call me simple-minded, but this muddies his message and makes treatment less effective than it might be otherwise.
It also seems as if, just as every nail needs a hammer, all problems are explained by this formula. Your spouse treats you badly? It's due to her Hostility, expressed or subconscious. But this hostility is caused by your spouse's sense of Inferiority, which is caused by YOUR own unconscious Hostility. It's a vicious circle.
The good doctor even extends his formula to misbehaving children. I say children have little more in their minds than a need to please their parents, to feel loved by them, and they do not act badly due to unconscious hostility (unless the parents are indeed cruel). But Dr Layden, as ever, blames the patient for the problem. Your child disobeys you? It must be your fault.
Your husband prefers fishing to spending time with you? It must be your fault. Your wife is careless with the family budget? Your fault. Your teenagers use drugs? Your fault. Hypochondria, high blood pressure, ulcers? Your fault. A spouse's alcoholism or gambling addiction? Your fault.
You, the aggrieved, must be the cause of the problem, and only after YOU change will the problem be resolved.
Sometimes true. In Dr Layden's book, it seems, always true. After a while, I was wondering if anyone could ever be responsible for his or her own shortcomings.
I believe the book has a brilliant insight and is worth reading (though not a particularly enjoyable read), but the wisdom in it could have been conveyed much more effectively.
That the insight has not been widely received can be seen by this sad fact: mine is but the third review 34 years after the book was published.
-----
26 March 2014, Wall Street Journal.
William A. Galston's column, titled "Pride, Prejudice and Putin's Predation," includes the following:
"Among the motives for changing [a country's] status quo, one has proved especially explosive -- injured pride, which generates humiliation, anger and a desire for revenge.
The politicians who best exploit this psychology of victimization often rise to the top. The classic example is Hitler's exploitation of the 1919 Treaty of Versailles; there are many others. The long decline of the Islamic world, which culminated in colonial occupation and division, established the emotional predicate for radical Islam's potent dream of a new caliphate."
In just a few words, a fine summary of the importance of Dr Layden's teachings.
Displaying 1 - 1 of 1 review