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I'Ve Got What It Takes
Every parent wants their child to say, I've got what it takes. The information in this book by Jim Fay will help you make that happen. Provide kids with a positive self-concept Teach Children to feel good about themselves without criticism Learn how to set limits
111 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 1994
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November 28, 2018
Interesting book.
Favorite parts:
Encouraging = positive self concept
Critical = negative self concept
Messages that contradict your self concept are rejected and ones that support it are accepted (meaning of you grew up with critical parents you're less likely to believe positive comments). Rejected statements don't add to the "I'm capable" count.
IC = "I'm capable"
INC = "I'm not capable"
If NEGATIVE comments and NEGATIVE self concept it adds to the INC count
It's easier to build a POSITIVE self concept than to replace a NEGATIVE one.
"Criticism kills the spirit ".
Children who grow up with criticism tend to be critical and chronically unhappy.
HOW TO TRAIN KIDS WITHOUT CRITICISM
-Don't tell them what's wrong with what they're doing. Simply show them how to do it correctly.
Ex: "Would you like to see how I do that?"
NOT
"Why can't you do anything right?" OR "Do it the way I told you".
-Look for right answers not wrong ones and ask your child to explain the reasons for his/her success.
Exp: Each time a child figures out reasons for success their IC message count increases. (+)
IC = spirit builders not spirit killers
-We expect her to be responsible. When she's not she lives with the consequences.
-We expect her to be respectful, do her chores, & apply herself to her schoolwork.
-Success comes from hard work and struggle
-Each time they gave her a responsibility and held her accountable = IC increased (+)
-If her mother said, "I'll tell you how to solve that problem" she'd think, "Mom doesn't think I can figure it out" = INC increases (-)
- Parent says, "Well, how do you think you are going to solve that?" ~ child thinks, "mom knows I can think for myself" = IC count increases (+)
-"Get that coat on right now" ~ "I'm not smart enough to know if I'm hot or cold" = INC count increases (-)
-"Would you rather wear your coat or carry it?" ~ "dad trusts me to know what's best for me" = IC count increases (+)
IC = I can think for myself, solve my own problems, achieve if I'm willing to put forth effort, & I have healthy control over my life.
IC BUILDER #1:
-Require chores
-As young as 6 should have a minimum of 20m of chores each day
-Spend a couple of weeks listing all the jobs in the house for the family to survive, including all that parents do (earning money, balancing the checkbook, paying bills, driving the car, shopping, cooking food, making beds, washing clothes, etc.
-Invite your children to list the things they need parents to do for them (driving them someplace, picking them up, ironing, mending, taking care of pets, etc)
-Have a family meeting to divide jobs
-Kids select what they most like to do or hate the least
-"There's no hurry to do your chores, just make sure they're done by the end of the day".
-Don't remind them if they're not done at the end of the day. Let them sleep 30-45m then wake them up - gently and persistently. Remind them that the end of the day is near and they need to finish their work.
-When everything is done, say "there! The day is complete. I'm glad we can go to sleep knowing that the days work is done".
-chores = IC count increases fast
-Children who feel a sense of contribution and success through effort have an advantage over others
IC BUILDER #2:
-Provide matching funds
1. Don't buy it
2. Don't say "you don't need it"
3.
Ex: "want basketball shoes -- only $125", say "If it's that important to you you ought to have them. I think you'd look like a pro in them. I can contribute $35. As soon as you earn the rest we can buy the shoes ".
"That's not fair. The other kids parents just buy them"
"I know. It can be rough living on a tight budget. Let me know when you're ready for the $35".
-struggle leads to pride
-Parent can contribute 10%, 75%, 90%, whatever they want towards it
-Cold who earns what they get learn self respect, resourcefulness, the value of money, & that problems are solved through struggle
IC BUILDER #3:
-Offer multiple solutions.
-Children who find their own solutions to problems have more self respect than those who don't
-Child has a problem ~ listen with empathy and follow with a question.
Ex:
"It sounds like that is really bothering you. What do you think you are going to do?"
"Idk"
"That's sad not to know. Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?"
"Yes"
"(Think of good and bad examples OR give it some thought and come back with suggestions later).
-Provide choices instead of a solution.
-Present child with possible solutions one at a time and after each one ask the child to evaluate the solution
Ex: Problem getting along with some children
"Some kids get an army of other kids and threaten the kids they are having problems with. How do you think that'd work out?"
IC BUILDER #4:
-Ask for explanations of success
-Watch for success (not failure) & say, "I bet that feels great! You must feel really proud. Why do you think you were able to do that?"
"Idk"
"Well, you either tried hard or you're getting smarter. Which do you think it is?"
IC BUILDER #5:
-Provide an environment for school success.
-Show the same amount of love regardless of school success. Love them regardless.
-If they have a hard time and need an escape find them after school activities to make them feel successful.
-Giving more hw = more stress
-Spend some time each day talking with excitement about your work and your day. Children imitate and will do the same.
-Once a week ask your child to teach you something they learned at school.
-Take turns reading to each other every day.
-Encourage child to try different things to discover interests and talents. You build your career around your talents and strengths not your weaknesses.
-Provide a time and a place for hw and let them know they're expected to study. Allow them to study by writing the assignments or thinking hard about them for a reasonable amount of time. (If thinking, have them think of a plan for explaining this decision to their teacher).
-School papers ~ Ask them to explain how they got the right answers. (Don't correct wrong ones)
"Idk"
3 choices: "you cheated?" ~ "you tried hard?" (IC) ~ "you're getting smarter in that subject?" (IC)
-Excited about good grades and sad for child about bad ones
"Who do you think worries more about your grades, you or your parents? "
If they say "parents" the child won't worry
-"The best way to change a person's behavior is to first change the way he sees the world" ~ Barry Neil Kauffman
Favorite parts:
Encouraging = positive self concept
Critical = negative self concept
Messages that contradict your self concept are rejected and ones that support it are accepted (meaning of you grew up with critical parents you're less likely to believe positive comments). Rejected statements don't add to the "I'm capable" count.
IC = "I'm capable"
INC = "I'm not capable"
If NEGATIVE comments and NEGATIVE self concept it adds to the INC count
It's easier to build a POSITIVE self concept than to replace a NEGATIVE one.
"Criticism kills the spirit ".
Children who grow up with criticism tend to be critical and chronically unhappy.
HOW TO TRAIN KIDS WITHOUT CRITICISM
-Don't tell them what's wrong with what they're doing. Simply show them how to do it correctly.
Ex: "Would you like to see how I do that?"
NOT
"Why can't you do anything right?" OR "Do it the way I told you".
-Look for right answers not wrong ones and ask your child to explain the reasons for his/her success.
Exp: Each time a child figures out reasons for success their IC message count increases. (+)
IC = spirit builders not spirit killers
-We expect her to be responsible. When she's not she lives with the consequences.
-We expect her to be respectful, do her chores, & apply herself to her schoolwork.
-Success comes from hard work and struggle
-Each time they gave her a responsibility and held her accountable = IC increased (+)
-If her mother said, "I'll tell you how to solve that problem" she'd think, "Mom doesn't think I can figure it out" = INC increases (-)
- Parent says, "Well, how do you think you are going to solve that?" ~ child thinks, "mom knows I can think for myself" = IC count increases (+)
-"Get that coat on right now" ~ "I'm not smart enough to know if I'm hot or cold" = INC count increases (-)
-"Would you rather wear your coat or carry it?" ~ "dad trusts me to know what's best for me" = IC count increases (+)
IC = I can think for myself, solve my own problems, achieve if I'm willing to put forth effort, & I have healthy control over my life.
IC BUILDER #1:
-Require chores
-As young as 6 should have a minimum of 20m of chores each day
-Spend a couple of weeks listing all the jobs in the house for the family to survive, including all that parents do (earning money, balancing the checkbook, paying bills, driving the car, shopping, cooking food, making beds, washing clothes, etc.
-Invite your children to list the things they need parents to do for them (driving them someplace, picking them up, ironing, mending, taking care of pets, etc)
-Have a family meeting to divide jobs
-Kids select what they most like to do or hate the least
-"There's no hurry to do your chores, just make sure they're done by the end of the day".
-Don't remind them if they're not done at the end of the day. Let them sleep 30-45m then wake them up - gently and persistently. Remind them that the end of the day is near and they need to finish their work.
-When everything is done, say "there! The day is complete. I'm glad we can go to sleep knowing that the days work is done".
-chores = IC count increases fast
-Children who feel a sense of contribution and success through effort have an advantage over others
IC BUILDER #2:
-Provide matching funds
1. Don't buy it
2. Don't say "you don't need it"
3.
Ex: "want basketball shoes -- only $125", say "If it's that important to you you ought to have them. I think you'd look like a pro in them. I can contribute $35. As soon as you earn the rest we can buy the shoes ".
"That's not fair. The other kids parents just buy them"
"I know. It can be rough living on a tight budget. Let me know when you're ready for the $35".
-struggle leads to pride
-Parent can contribute 10%, 75%, 90%, whatever they want towards it
-Cold who earns what they get learn self respect, resourcefulness, the value of money, & that problems are solved through struggle
IC BUILDER #3:
-Offer multiple solutions.
-Children who find their own solutions to problems have more self respect than those who don't
-Child has a problem ~ listen with empathy and follow with a question.
Ex:
"It sounds like that is really bothering you. What do you think you are going to do?"
"Idk"
"That's sad not to know. Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?"
"Yes"
"(Think of good and bad examples OR give it some thought and come back with suggestions later).
-Provide choices instead of a solution.
-Present child with possible solutions one at a time and after each one ask the child to evaluate the solution
Ex: Problem getting along with some children
"Some kids get an army of other kids and threaten the kids they are having problems with. How do you think that'd work out?"
IC BUILDER #4:
-Ask for explanations of success
-Watch for success (not failure) & say, "I bet that feels great! You must feel really proud. Why do you think you were able to do that?"
"Idk"
"Well, you either tried hard or you're getting smarter. Which do you think it is?"
IC BUILDER #5:
-Provide an environment for school success.
-Show the same amount of love regardless of school success. Love them regardless.
-If they have a hard time and need an escape find them after school activities to make them feel successful.
-Giving more hw = more stress
-Spend some time each day talking with excitement about your work and your day. Children imitate and will do the same.
-Once a week ask your child to teach you something they learned at school.
-Take turns reading to each other every day.
-Encourage child to try different things to discover interests and talents. You build your career around your talents and strengths not your weaknesses.
-Provide a time and a place for hw and let them know they're expected to study. Allow them to study by writing the assignments or thinking hard about them for a reasonable amount of time. (If thinking, have them think of a plan for explaining this decision to their teacher).
-School papers ~ Ask them to explain how they got the right answers. (Don't correct wrong ones)
"Idk"
3 choices: "you cheated?" ~ "you tried hard?" (IC) ~ "you're getting smarter in that subject?" (IC)
-Excited about good grades and sad for child about bad ones
"Who do you think worries more about your grades, you or your parents? "
If they say "parents" the child won't worry
-"The best way to change a person's behavior is to first change the way he sees the world" ~ Barry Neil Kauffman
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