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Transformers: Car Show Blow Up
SOFT COVER
24 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1986
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
October 6, 2016
One of the great joys of parenthood is getting to read your kids the books that you grew up with—except when reading one of those books is the literary equivalent of someone snipping your tongue with nail clippers.
Like every boy who grew up in the 1980s, I loved Transformers; naturally, I jumped at the chance to buy a Transformers book when I saw one at a school book fair circa 1987. Though it was 30 years ago, I actually remember that book fair and buying this book, though I don’t have any recollection as to what 8-year-old me thought about the book itself. Rereading it with my son, I now assume that some form of PTSD made me forget the contents.
I can, however, tell you what 37-year-old me thinks of it, and 37-year-old me thinks it’s quite possibly the most inexplicable, incoherent mess of a narrative this side of that Jean Claude Van Damme movie Knock Off (on the plus side, if you found that movie to be a master class in plot development, you’ll totally love this book).
How, you’re wondering, could a kids’ Transformers book possibly be that bad?
Well, let’s start with the fact that the Autobots (Hot Rod in particular, who is so stupid in this book he makes me tired) are all aflutter about a major event happening at the local arena—namely, the unveiling of…wait for it…A ROBOTIC CAR THAT CAN FOLLOW BASIC VOICE COMMANDS!
So, let me get this straight—you’re a f@#$ing TRANSFORMER, the most advanced robotic race of beings in the known universe, capable of incredible transformations, complete and total autonomy, higher-level thinking than humans, self-repair and maintenance, and power beyond imagining—and you’re impressed by a car that will turn its lights on if someone says, “Car—lights on”?!
Seriously?
Okay, deep breath. That’s just the beginning.
After Hot Rod’s giddy revelation of this astonishing monument to human ingenuity, we cut to the Decepticons, who have also heard about this miraculous wonder. Now, Galvatron and his lads are in serious need of energon, and are very jealous of the vast amounts the Autobots have. So, Galvatron comes up with a genius idea. “Hey boys,” he says (and I’m paraphrasing here), “let’s go steal that robot car the humans invented and tear it apart and use its parts to build an army of robot slaves to go find energon for us!”
So, let me get this straight (again)—a single, primitive robot car invented by humans using mid-1980s tech that can do simple things is going to provide enough material for you to build an army of energon-stealing automatons? And that’s less work than just, you know, stealing the energon yourselves? Because you, yourself, are robots, and much more powerful than these slave robots would be, presumably. So, the takeaway, I guess, is that Decepticons are really lazy. Also, about as smart as Hot Rod.
After Hot Rod has a tiny orgasm on the way to the arena to see the car, he and Kup spot the Decepticons breaking into the arena. Kup decides to see what they’re up to and sends Hot Rod back to Metroplex to get help. Kup, being old and apparently not stealthy, immediately gets caught after overhearing the Decepticons very strategic plan (cut the power and steal the car in the dark during the show—because that seems simpler than just going and taking the car right when they get there, before the show starts, apparently).
Hot Rod and the other Autobots race to the arena and enter in their vehicle forms, as though they’re part of the show (finally someone does something clever!), after which a fracas ensues when the Decepticons put their plan into motion. Autobots and Decepticons square off, and while the Autobots manage to protect the robot car (which pretty much just sits there the whole time doing nothing, not even turning its lights on or off, amply demonstrating why there was so much hubbub about it), but all of the Decepticons escape in the confusion.
So, let me get this straight (again again)—you’re fighting someone, like, literally punching them in their robot faces, and then you lose track of where they are?? Is this like an old cartoon where people start punching each other and a cloud of dust appears and when it clears one of the combatants is all alone and realizes he’s just been punching himself? That’s basically what happens here, I guess—never mind the fact that, at least theoretically, the Autobots should have advanced sensory mechanisms that would enable them to realize that the opponent they were punching isn’t, you know, standing directly in front of them anymore.
Look, I get that you can’t hold a book made for 8-year-olds to the same standards of, say, Dostoyevsky (though maybe we should). But, 8-year-olds aren’t morons (and goodness knows they’re smarter than Hot Rod). Reading this book would make them dumber. I now blame it for any developmental issues, mental deficiencies, and personality defects I had growing up and continue to have to this day.
Like every boy who grew up in the 1980s, I loved Transformers; naturally, I jumped at the chance to buy a Transformers book when I saw one at a school book fair circa 1987. Though it was 30 years ago, I actually remember that book fair and buying this book, though I don’t have any recollection as to what 8-year-old me thought about the book itself. Rereading it with my son, I now assume that some form of PTSD made me forget the contents.
I can, however, tell you what 37-year-old me thinks of it, and 37-year-old me thinks it’s quite possibly the most inexplicable, incoherent mess of a narrative this side of that Jean Claude Van Damme movie Knock Off (on the plus side, if you found that movie to be a master class in plot development, you’ll totally love this book).
How, you’re wondering, could a kids’ Transformers book possibly be that bad?
Well, let’s start with the fact that the Autobots (Hot Rod in particular, who is so stupid in this book he makes me tired) are all aflutter about a major event happening at the local arena—namely, the unveiling of…wait for it…A ROBOTIC CAR THAT CAN FOLLOW BASIC VOICE COMMANDS!
So, let me get this straight—you’re a f@#$ing TRANSFORMER, the most advanced robotic race of beings in the known universe, capable of incredible transformations, complete and total autonomy, higher-level thinking than humans, self-repair and maintenance, and power beyond imagining—and you’re impressed by a car that will turn its lights on if someone says, “Car—lights on”?!
Seriously?
Okay, deep breath. That’s just the beginning.
After Hot Rod’s giddy revelation of this astonishing monument to human ingenuity, we cut to the Decepticons, who have also heard about this miraculous wonder. Now, Galvatron and his lads are in serious need of energon, and are very jealous of the vast amounts the Autobots have. So, Galvatron comes up with a genius idea. “Hey boys,” he says (and I’m paraphrasing here), “let’s go steal that robot car the humans invented and tear it apart and use its parts to build an army of robot slaves to go find energon for us!”
So, let me get this straight (again)—a single, primitive robot car invented by humans using mid-1980s tech that can do simple things is going to provide enough material for you to build an army of energon-stealing automatons? And that’s less work than just, you know, stealing the energon yourselves? Because you, yourself, are robots, and much more powerful than these slave robots would be, presumably. So, the takeaway, I guess, is that Decepticons are really lazy. Also, about as smart as Hot Rod.
After Hot Rod has a tiny orgasm on the way to the arena to see the car, he and Kup spot the Decepticons breaking into the arena. Kup decides to see what they’re up to and sends Hot Rod back to Metroplex to get help. Kup, being old and apparently not stealthy, immediately gets caught after overhearing the Decepticons very strategic plan (cut the power and steal the car in the dark during the show—because that seems simpler than just going and taking the car right when they get there, before the show starts, apparently).
Hot Rod and the other Autobots race to the arena and enter in their vehicle forms, as though they’re part of the show (finally someone does something clever!), after which a fracas ensues when the Decepticons put their plan into motion. Autobots and Decepticons square off, and while the Autobots manage to protect the robot car (which pretty much just sits there the whole time doing nothing, not even turning its lights on or off, amply demonstrating why there was so much hubbub about it), but all of the Decepticons escape in the confusion.
So, let me get this straight (again again)—you’re fighting someone, like, literally punching them in their robot faces, and then you lose track of where they are?? Is this like an old cartoon where people start punching each other and a cloud of dust appears and when it clears one of the combatants is all alone and realizes he’s just been punching himself? That’s basically what happens here, I guess—never mind the fact that, at least theoretically, the Autobots should have advanced sensory mechanisms that would enable them to realize that the opponent they were punching isn’t, you know, standing directly in front of them anymore.
Look, I get that you can’t hold a book made for 8-year-olds to the same standards of, say, Dostoyevsky (though maybe we should). But, 8-year-olds aren’t morons (and goodness knows they’re smarter than Hot Rod). Reading this book would make them dumber. I now blame it for any developmental issues, mental deficiencies, and personality defects I had growing up and continue to have to this day.
July 30, 2024
I found a bunch of these again going through my cupboards recently.. (#2)
This has to be one of the poorer written editions of this series.
That being said though the art is still great, and the 86 spirit is there.
This has to be one of the poorer written editions of this series.
That being said though the art is still great, and the 86 spirit is there.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews