Breaking the Hush Factor: Ten Rules for Talking with Teenagers about Sex

by Karen Rayne

"A go-to guide for parents who are looking to prepare their pre-teens or teens with information and support to create sexually healthy lives."
- Debby Herbenick, PhD, Associate Professor at Indiana University and Author of Sex Made Easy

"Breaking the Hush Factor is a joy to read! Dr. Karen Rayne is a trusted, expert authority on speaking with children about sex and sexuality. Her voice is caring and compassionate as she guides parents with practical tips and common sense advice for starting “the talk” and keeping them going. Parents will want to read this. Parents need to read this."
- Bill Taverner, MA, CSE, Executive Director, The Center for Sex Education

"A powerful message to parents, straight from the heart of a mother and sexuality educator. Breaking the Hush Factor means listen more, talk less, reach out for community, and seize your golden chance to help your kids develop sexual intelligence that will last them a lifetime—perhaps even save their lives."
- Gina Ogden, PhD, LMFT, Award-winning author of Expanding the Practice of Sex Therapy


Breaking the Hush Factor is a new kind of parenting book. It isn’t only for parents, it doesn’t make assumptions about gender or sexual orientation, and it won’t scare you. Instead, you’ll find ten concrete steps to strengthen your relationship with your teenager so that you can start to talk about sex. Because most people have sex and everyone needs to talk about sex. Teenagers have adults in their lives who can help them. Breaking the Hush Factor will teach those adults how.


Dr. Karen Rayne began her work in education almost two decades ago and her work with parents of teenagers almost ten years ago. Since then she has been working in her local community, as well as nationally and internationally, to support parent-teen conversations about sex and sexuality. She has worked with parents, youth, and professionals on this topic. Her primary goal is to support families in building relationships that hold solid and true from the fun times through the hard times and everything in between. Sexuality is all of these things, and so conversations about them must also be.

160 pages, Paperback

First published July 27, 2015

Reviews

[Sam Killermann]

As an educator who doesn't have kids, I was reading this book from a professional lens: would I recommend this to clients? After the first chapter, I started to realize how much this book might benefit me personally, and by the end I was convinced. This isn't just a book for parents, which Karen affirms in the text -- but beyond that it isn't just a book for talking with teens, or for talking about sex: it's a powerful book for any human who communicates with other humans.

[Dan]

Has some good points to make towards sexuality and talking with teenagers.

However it pushes anti-science philosophy (post-modernism) and tends towards progressive values. After reading, however, the book I was incredibly surprised as many will use this book to push the gingerbread "person" (http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2...).

Biggest problem: The Platinum Rule; "Treat others as they want to be treated".

No one has any right to demand any treatment of any kind from someone else, because maybe I want to be treated as a King or as a bird. The conflation of the Golden rule as out of date lacks reason and dignity. The golden rule is based in negative rights and in sorting out your own house; the Platinum rule is based on positive rights malarkey and sort out the world, usher in the utopia.

Putting aside the fact that humans have been somewhat successfully mating for the past 8000-10000 years, this book starts from the premise that Sex Ed is a necessity.

While making good points, such as: Spend time with your teenager, keep occupied while taking to ease tension, be cool and do not become over bearing. The book tends to get lost in assuming that teenagers need to talk to their parents about sex.

But the author tends to deny the biological and psychological reality of sex. Sex in a huge emotional investment, especially for women and casual attitude is more harmful for women and children (http://europepmc.org/abstract/med/175...).

I think it is pertinent to include that this author apparently does not wish to limit sex ed to teenagers, but rather for children. And promulgates anti-science in the vain of gingerbread 'person' or (http://www.unhushed.net/) Unicorn "person" that pretends there is no relationship between sex, gender, sexuality or expression. Transgendered persons make up less than 1% of total population where around half of that is biologically transgendered, and the other half have as the DSM V would classify Gender Dysphoria.

If 99 percent of people 'identify' with their 'birth gender', something a correlation you don't see unless there is causation, you have to stop and the ideological underpinning.

If people are referencing this book as a means to support transgenderism, this book has nothing to support such a biological denialist perspective (see Lysenkoism)

There are some good points to be made within this book but I imagine there are far better and more reputable sources.

[Danielle]

It blows my mind that this book has so many great reviews on Amazon and Good Reads. It is very post modernist and the recommendations for parents boil down to “don’t talk, just listen” and then advice of what to do when you child tells you they are pregnant. (What??! Couldn’t we have had these conversations before this moment??) I agree with the parts about the importance of developing a relationship with kids and addressing pleasure, but 80% of the advice is just to listen to your teen and let them figure it out, whereas I believe it’s essentials that adults give their children information for how to navigate their sexuality. “The Talk” was 1000% times better in listing 10 things your kids need to know about sex and how to address those conversations.

[L.]

Rayne lays out a simple, but by no means easy, 10-step guide to talking to young people about sex. I appreciate the way she takes time to talk about things that an adult needs to do both introspectively as well as dynamically, how some of the steps can take years to master, and how LISTENING is ultimately at the core of any successful conversation. Thanks, Karen, for writing a book that is suitable for any adult who interacts with young people, no matter their values.

[Nicole Rayne]

While it is true that this book is a wonderful resource for parents to use in order to speak to their teens, it is my opinion that it is so much more than that. It is an invaluable tool for any number of relationship models. The rules and self evaluation methods presented in this book are fundamentally nessicary to having honest and useful conversations with any and all loved ones. Dr. Rayne does a brilliant job of taking a potentially endless and overwhelming topic and making it easily digestible so one might be able to begin utilizing the information right away. She also reassured the reader and instills a level of confidence that is almost impossible to offer through literature. Her tone is gentle and the read is quick. This is a book that every adult should not only read, but should own in order to be able to access it over and over again. Absolutely amazing work.

[Lindsey]

I'm already loving this book and I'm just beginning.