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Menage A Musketeer
All for One and One for All, and All at Once!! Ménage A Musketeer is an erotic mash-up of Alexander Dumas' The Three Musketeers. It is a tale of sword and debauchery. Lusty Musketeers defend all, enjoy all, ravage and claim the women – and men – who scheme to control their destinies. D'Artagnan would do anything to become a Musketeer, but falling in love with the grim and remote Athos wasn't what he’d planned. Nor was falling in love with Constance, another man's wife and an intimate of the Queen of France. For that matter, neither was falling in love with a mysterious and enchanting woman, known only as Milady. Young, proud and hotheaded, D'Artagnan throws himself into sword battles and erotic adventures with men and women until war with England and treachery from within endangers his life. He needs to protect France's interests while searching for Constance, his true love, who has been kidnapped. But Athos haunts his dreams and he cannot let Milady escape them either or it might break the older Musketeer’s heart and lead England conquering France.
- GenresLGBT
196 pages, Paperback
First published July 21, 2015
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January 4, 2016(This review contains quotes from an explicit erotica novel. Please take a minute to decide if you're really up for that before reading.)
Yeah, I'm not rating this. It simply wouldn't be fair, since I wasn't looking for smut from this so much as a good laugh. I read this one out of curiosity (I'll read anything connected to The Three Musketeers, let's be honest here) and because the quotes taken from it that Aoife shared were hilarious.
The plot is barely there, the dialogue is ridiculous, but well, it's porn, what do you expect? There's not a problem in this the heroes don't end up solving with sex (except when d'Artagnan rides out after de Wardes, which is a bit disappointing to be honest. Don't telll me he couldn't have taken his passport off him by seducing him.) As for the sex scenes: I've read a lot worse, but also some that were better written. There's some unfortunate word choices, like a delta for a woman's vagina, that will make you laugh rather than turn you on, but at least there's some creativity going on during the sex scenes. However, there's also some questionable hygiene practices going on (PiV after anal without a wash? No thank you!) and the Athos/Milady relationship didn't strike me as safe, sane and consensual enough not to feel uncomfortable about the ending, but I guess that's porn logic for you.
The writing style is actually decent, btw. apart from some amusing spelling errors, missing or superfluous commas, and repeated words, often during the sex scenes - but then this book is 90% sex scenes, so where else would they be?
In fact descriptions of what's going on other than the sex are so rare and so thin, that readers who don't know the plot to the original novel will quickly become lost.
But then a) who'd read this who doesn't know the plot to The Three Musketeers? and b) who'd read this who isn't interested in The Three Musketeers that won't skip what little plot there is to get to the sex scenes?
So if you expected this to be basically Dumas' novel with simply some more sex then this is not the book for you. But if you're looking for a porn parody then this book will put a smile on your face. And probably do some other things to other body parts. But honestly, it is a very funny book in addition to the smut (mainly through sheer inanity).
To finish off this review (haha), have some choice quotes:
These here are the two opening paragraphs:
The Musketeers were fanatically devoted to Louis XII. Cardinal Richelieu, jealous of the formindable and chosen body guards with which Louis had surrounded himself, became desirous that he, too, should have his guard.
It was not uncommon for Richelieu and Louis XIII to dispute overtheir evening game of chess upon the merits of their servants. Each boasted the bearing and the courage of his own people. They spoke of their muscles and handomse visages, of their prowess in the bedroom and on the battlefield.
'Cause it's not like just anybody can be a musketeer, oh no! There's a test:
"Take all of it. If you wish to be a Musketeer. I'll have you take all of it in your mouth and your ass."
D'Artagnan moaned he would have his heart's desire and pleasurable relations.
Well, then… as long as you're having fun, d'Artagnan.
D'Artagnan describes his first encounter with Rochefort to Treville:
"Had he a slight scar on his cheek?"
-"Yes, such as one as would be made by the grazing of a ball."
"Was he not a fine-looking man?" Treville held d'Artagnan's chin, so he could stare into his eyes.
"Yes."
-"Did he arouse you?"
I'm so glad everyone in this book has their priorities straight!
Before d'Artagnan could make another move, he was crushed to Porthos' wide chest and forced to endure a punishing kiss. Anger warred with desire. He would be Treville's partner of convenience, but not every Musketeer who thought he was fair game.
Well, I'm glad you have standards, d'Artagnan.
"I fully declare I will become a Musketeer on my own merit, not just by the talent of my tongue."
Bit late by that point.
Athos raised an eyebrow. "You tempt me to find out how good that tongue is, but I admit I am more interested in swordplay." He lowered his gaze to d'Artagnan's breeches. "Let me see what Treville was so interested in and maybe we'll cross swords in a different way."
Hint: He means the flesh sword!
His body was clamouring for a pretty maid to dip inside.
As long as it's only a dip…
" 'Tis much better for my shoulder to swing my cock instead of my sword. You will take it and if not enjoy it, then be comforted that I will pump your ass until I come in it."
Yes, that's comforting to know.
"I would not be opposed to a more intimate repeat of this afternoon's activities."
- "Intimacy," Athos snorted. "You sound like a woman. If by that you would like to suck my cock, I'll consider it. But I have no desire to have our cock in my hole."
Don't know if you noticed, but Athos is an even greater a-hole in this one than in the original.
At least with Aramis, there had been no talk of sex. It would be a battle fought with their clothes on, more the pity.
Aramis happens to be the only character in this entire book who's not bisexual. It somehow feels wrong.
If it wasn't for Treville's love of mutual mouth orgasms, d'Artagnan would be half mad from not having more attention paid to his member.
"Mutual mouth orgasm" is my favourite new phrase.
"Why, it is with him I am also going to fight," said Porthos. "And then roundly fuck until he cries himself hoarse."
- "But not before one o'clock," replied d'Artagnan.
Bless this book and its sense of comedic timing.
"Allow me." With a secret smile Constance crawled between her Queen's legs and tasted the sweet nectar at her delta.
Sounds like she should have that looked at?
"I've heard you are a master of the blade as well as your cock," the Queen said.
No, you must have misunderstood, Your Majesty. When d'Artagnan says he's great at duelling he it's because what he refers to as a sword is actually-- ah, forget it.
"He believed her a spy, knew she had plans for him beyond sex play."
You mean people care about something other than "sex play" in this book?
"She has the Queen's ear, among other body parts."
Her nose and her toes, too?
And these are the comforting words Athos has to offer, when d'Artagnan fears Milady will offer him to her lover at their meeting:
"[…] I will go with you. Should it turn out to be a horrible coincidence, I will at least be there to see you debauched, but safe. Perhaps, I'll join in."
"Oh my dear innocent. I cannot bear that you will be sent to the Cardinal without knowing any joy in coupling."
- "I don't understand how this matters now?"
EXACTLY!
"I prefer to drink, but if Rochefort bores you, you can always come out and swallow my cock."
Well, thanks, Athos!
Yeah, I'm not rating this. It simply wouldn't be fair, since I wasn't looking for smut from this so much as a good laugh. I read this one out of curiosity (I'll read anything connected to The Three Musketeers, let's be honest here) and because the quotes taken from it that Aoife shared were hilarious.
The plot is barely there, the dialogue is ridiculous, but well, it's porn, what do you expect? There's not a problem in this the heroes don't end up solving with sex (except when d'Artagnan rides out after de Wardes, which is a bit disappointing to be honest. Don't telll me he couldn't have taken his passport off him by seducing him.) As for the sex scenes: I've read a lot worse, but also some that were better written. There's some unfortunate word choices, like a delta for a woman's vagina, that will make you laugh rather than turn you on, but at least there's some creativity going on during the sex scenes. However, there's also some questionable hygiene practices going on (PiV after anal without a wash? No thank you!) and the Athos/Milady relationship didn't strike me as safe, sane and consensual enough not to feel uncomfortable about the ending, but I guess that's porn logic for you.
The writing style is actually decent, btw. apart from some amusing spelling errors, missing or superfluous commas, and repeated words, often during the sex scenes - but then this book is 90% sex scenes, so where else would they be?
In fact descriptions of what's going on other than the sex are so rare and so thin, that readers who don't know the plot to the original novel will quickly become lost.
But then a) who'd read this who doesn't know the plot to The Three Musketeers? and b) who'd read this who isn't interested in The Three Musketeers that won't skip what little plot there is to get to the sex scenes?
So if you expected this to be basically Dumas' novel with simply some more sex then this is not the book for you. But if you're looking for a porn parody then this book will put a smile on your face. And probably do some other things to other body parts. But honestly, it is a very funny book in addition to the smut (mainly through sheer inanity).
To finish off this review (haha), have some choice quotes:
These here are the two opening paragraphs:
The Musketeers were fanatically devoted to Louis XII. Cardinal Richelieu, jealous of the formindable and chosen body guards with which Louis had surrounded himself, became desirous that he, too, should have his guard.
It was not uncommon for Richelieu and Louis XIII to dispute overtheir evening game of chess upon the merits of their servants. Each boasted the bearing and the courage of his own people. They spoke of their muscles and handomse visages, of their prowess in the bedroom and on the battlefield.
'Cause it's not like just anybody can be a musketeer, oh no! There's a test:
"Take all of it. If you wish to be a Musketeer. I'll have you take all of it in your mouth and your ass."
D'Artagnan moaned he would have his heart's desire and pleasurable relations.
Well, then… as long as you're having fun, d'Artagnan.
D'Artagnan describes his first encounter with Rochefort to Treville:
"Had he a slight scar on his cheek?"
-"Yes, such as one as would be made by the grazing of a ball."
"Was he not a fine-looking man?" Treville held d'Artagnan's chin, so he could stare into his eyes.
"Yes."
-"Did he arouse you?"
I'm so glad everyone in this book has their priorities straight!
Before d'Artagnan could make another move, he was crushed to Porthos' wide chest and forced to endure a punishing kiss. Anger warred with desire. He would be Treville's partner of convenience, but not every Musketeer who thought he was fair game.
Well, I'm glad you have standards, d'Artagnan.
"I fully declare I will become a Musketeer on my own merit, not just by the talent of my tongue."
Bit late by that point.
Athos raised an eyebrow. "You tempt me to find out how good that tongue is, but I admit I am more interested in swordplay." He lowered his gaze to d'Artagnan's breeches. "Let me see what Treville was so interested in and maybe we'll cross swords in a different way."
Hint: He means the flesh sword!
His body was clamouring for a pretty maid to dip inside.
As long as it's only a dip…
" 'Tis much better for my shoulder to swing my cock instead of my sword. You will take it and if not enjoy it, then be comforted that I will pump your ass until I come in it."
Yes, that's comforting to know.
"I would not be opposed to a more intimate repeat of this afternoon's activities."
- "Intimacy," Athos snorted. "You sound like a woman. If by that you would like to suck my cock, I'll consider it. But I have no desire to have our cock in my hole."
Don't know if you noticed, but Athos is an even greater a-hole in this one than in the original.
At least with Aramis, there had been no talk of sex. It would be a battle fought with their clothes on, more the pity.
Aramis happens to be the only character in this entire book who's not bisexual. It somehow feels wrong.
If it wasn't for Treville's love of mutual mouth orgasms, d'Artagnan would be half mad from not having more attention paid to his member.
"Mutual mouth orgasm" is my favourite new phrase.
"Why, it is with him I am also going to fight," said Porthos. "And then roundly fuck until he cries himself hoarse."
- "But not before one o'clock," replied d'Artagnan.
Bless this book and its sense of comedic timing.
"Allow me." With a secret smile Constance crawled between her Queen's legs and tasted the sweet nectar at her delta.
Sounds like she should have that looked at?
"I've heard you are a master of the blade as well as your cock," the Queen said.
No, you must have misunderstood, Your Majesty. When d'Artagnan says he's great at duelling he it's because what he refers to as a sword is actually-- ah, forget it.
"He believed her a spy, knew she had plans for him beyond sex play."
You mean people care about something other than "sex play" in this book?
"She has the Queen's ear, among other body parts."
Her nose and her toes, too?
And these are the comforting words Athos has to offer, when d'Artagnan fears Milady will offer him to her lover at their meeting:
"[…] I will go with you. Should it turn out to be a horrible coincidence, I will at least be there to see you debauched, but safe. Perhaps, I'll join in."
"Oh my dear innocent. I cannot bear that you will be sent to the Cardinal without knowing any joy in coupling."
- "I don't understand how this matters now?"
EXACTLY!
"I prefer to drink, but if Rochefort bores you, you can always come out and swallow my cock."
Well, thanks, Athos!
August 23, 2015
Just for the record: they missed a glorious opportunity by not making the tagline of this book All in One and One in All.
I had expected this book to be The Three Musketeers with more (explicit) sex than the original as well as a side-note of d'Artagnan being worried about developing feelings for more than one person (in the original he is rather blasé about that).
A closer look at the blurb might have stopped me from thinking this but my brain just stops working as soon as the word Musketeer appears somewhere. At least that's what I tell myself because otherwise I would have no apology for watching The Ring of the Musketeers. Ehem. Back to topic. Because it is not that kind of book. It is pure, unapologetic smut, set in a parallel universe where everybody wants sex all the time and has sex all the time:
- Treville having special ideas about what d'Artagnan could do to speed up his Musketeer application? Check.
- Athos demanding a different kind of compensation when d'Artagnan runs into him? Check.
- Musketeer-initiation orgies? Check.
- Constance/d'Artagnan/Queen Anne-threesome? Check.
- d'Artagnan/Milady/Athos-BDSM-threesome? Check.
And...that's great if you like that kind of stuff. Only: I don't. Not much. I do have to hand it to the authors that most of the sex-scenes are rather well-written. There is the odd weird metaphor (drinking the sweet nectar of her delta and the inevitable battling tongues) but even as someone who is often very nitpicky about sex-scenes I didn't have that much to complain about.
Except, well, the sheer mass of them. Constant sex-scenes do not make me feel anything except boredom. And they really are constant. The author went through the original novel and asked about every scene 'can I add sex to that?' If the answer was yes she did and if the answer was no it got summed up in a few sentences or skipped completely. Which lead to one occasion where they referred to something that happened only in the original novel but not in Ménage á Musketeer. (To be fair: I assume a grand total of one person noticed that). I also wonder how Athos managed to have a hardcore BDSM-relationship with Milady but still never noticed that she had a Fleur de lis-brandmark on her shoulder. (This by the way falls under 'sentences I never thought I'd write in a review ever').
There is also another issue: consent.
And yes, I am aware that this is smut. Smut set in an alternate reality where everybody is always horny. Which I would have been fine with if the author had gone all the way through with this. Pretended that situations where one partner wants sex and the other didn't exist at all. But she didn't. There is some lip-service paid to the fact that perhaps not everybody might be comfortable with everything when Aramis informs d'Artagnan before his initiation orgy that he can say no at any time. ('Sentences I never thought I'd write in a review ever' #2).
In a realistic context the power-dynamics of this situation would have been so screwed that nobody would have dared to refuse. But we aren't in a realistic context. We're in smut fantasy land where everybody is willing all the time anyway. At least on-screen. Milady's past gets a redemption-retcon: she did not seduce a priest into fleeing with her, she fled alone because he tried to rape her. Now I don't mind at all that Milady gets turned into a good character. But the way how it is done here combined with what kind of book it is just very unfortunate.
All that combined with the fair number of typos (among other things d'Artagnan is sometimes spelled 'D'Artagnan') the book is simply not that overwhelming. If you're searching for pure Porn (almost) without plot you could do worse. But also better (and I am guessing a lot of it for free on AO3...). And for me decent sex-scenes alone just aren't enough.
I had expected this book to be The Three Musketeers with more (explicit) sex than the original as well as a side-note of d'Artagnan being worried about developing feelings for more than one person (in the original he is rather blasé about that).
A closer look at the blurb might have stopped me from thinking this but my brain just stops working as soon as the word Musketeer appears somewhere. At least that's what I tell myself because otherwise I would have no apology for watching The Ring of the Musketeers. Ehem. Back to topic. Because it is not that kind of book. It is pure, unapologetic smut, set in a parallel universe where everybody wants sex all the time and has sex all the time:
- Treville having special ideas about what d'Artagnan could do to speed up his Musketeer application? Check.
- Athos demanding a different kind of compensation when d'Artagnan runs into him? Check.
- Musketeer-initiation orgies? Check.
- Constance/d'Artagnan/Queen Anne-threesome? Check.
- d'Artagnan/Milady/Athos-BDSM-threesome? Check.
And...that's great if you like that kind of stuff. Only: I don't. Not much. I do have to hand it to the authors that most of the sex-scenes are rather well-written. There is the odd weird metaphor (drinking the sweet nectar of her delta and the inevitable battling tongues) but even as someone who is often very nitpicky about sex-scenes I didn't have that much to complain about.
Except, well, the sheer mass of them. Constant sex-scenes do not make me feel anything except boredom. And they really are constant. The author went through the original novel and asked about every scene 'can I add sex to that?' If the answer was yes she did and if the answer was no it got summed up in a few sentences or skipped completely. Which lead to one occasion where they referred to something that happened only in the original novel but not in Ménage á Musketeer. (To be fair: I assume a grand total of one person noticed that). I also wonder how Athos managed to have a hardcore BDSM-relationship with Milady but still never noticed that she had a Fleur de lis-brandmark on her shoulder. (This by the way falls under 'sentences I never thought I'd write in a review ever').
There is also another issue: consent.
And yes, I am aware that this is smut. Smut set in an alternate reality where everybody is always horny. Which I would have been fine with if the author had gone all the way through with this. Pretended that situations where one partner wants sex and the other didn't exist at all. But she didn't. There is some lip-service paid to the fact that perhaps not everybody might be comfortable with everything when Aramis informs d'Artagnan before his initiation orgy that he can say no at any time. ('Sentences I never thought I'd write in a review ever' #2).
In a realistic context the power-dynamics of this situation would have been so screwed that nobody would have dared to refuse. But we aren't in a realistic context. We're in smut fantasy land where everybody is willing all the time anyway. At least on-screen. Milady's past gets a redemption-retcon: she did not seduce a priest into fleeing with her, she fled alone because he tried to rape her. Now I don't mind at all that Milady gets turned into a good character. But the way how it is done here combined with what kind of book it is just very unfortunate.
All that combined with the fair number of typos (among other things d'Artagnan is sometimes spelled 'D'Artagnan') the book is simply not that overwhelming. If you're searching for pure Porn (almost) without plot you could do worse. But also better (and I am guessing a lot of it for free on AO3...). And for me decent sex-scenes alone just aren't enough.
August 6, 2015
A novel of Sword and Debauchery are the perfect title for this story. This is a mixture of the Three Musketeers with kinky side. D’Artagnan still wants to join the Musketeers but not only does he fight for France he has plenty of sex to further his cause. This book is erotic to say the least and is not for everyone especially if M/M is not for you. I loved it, the story is well woven together and so HOT.
December 27, 2017
A pretty funny romp with some of the (at times) breezy spirit of the original...
April 13, 2016
Lissa Trevor takes us on a wild and steamy ride through King Louis XIII’s court and let’s us see a side of our favorite Musketeers that we’ve never seen before. The plot is what any Musketeer fan would expect and know: Cardinal vs. Queen, intrigue, spies, hot-headed D’Artagnan, broody Athos still suffering from guilt over killing his deceitful wife, playboy Porthos who will do anything with a heartbeat, and of course, our scholar, Aramis. Trevor did a great job with dialogue and keeping it authentic, however I would have liked the action/non-sex scenes to have a little more depth to them. However, Trevor’s twist was fun, imaginative and gives a whole new meaning to “swordplay” and One for All, and All for One.
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